A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel totally stuck in a rut situation. My relationship broke down recently, we were together 7 yrs on and off with him going between 2 homes mine and his mums, he is 42 and his mum 72. We parted at xmas and have recently starting getting along better. The problem is we have 2 young children that live with me. We broke up over a number of reasons, trust issues i have with him and the feeling of being fed up and taken for granted. Our sex life was never very good either. He has suggested we get back together as we have 2 children and he wants them to have a mum and dad together the problem is that he see s no problem in the living arrangements, also his mum likes to play surrogate mum to my kids, she will buy them clothes etc that they can only have when they are there, he looks after them 4 eves a wk for 3 hrs while i work and the her house is kitted out with everything. I feel resentful of her and i have felt in the past like his mistress rather than his partner, she will cook full course meals and make life very cosy if he says jump she says how high. I cant tell him how i feel as he worships his mum and thinks im being nasty. I feel like giving up on him as he is never going to give me what i expect from a relationship whilst he can fall back on her, also with the trust issues i believe cause life being made so easy for him he can have his life and do what he wants and he knows it. He also suggested that he wouldnt have a problem if i found a discreet buddy for myself, is this because he knows im not happy with our lives? Why would he give me his permission to sleep with another man if he loves me, he says as long as we are still together then he doesnt mind. help
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female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I am much younger than you so you might think i dont understand, i feel sorry for you. Sounds like something simular to what my mum and step-dad are going through he through, he treats me my mum and sister like complete dirt, my mum keeps saying we will move out but we never do. My opinion is, you have wasted enough of your time on him and you should get him out of your life! Hope i helped.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2011):
7 years on and off? I should say you've wasted enough time on this man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I agree with the other aunties who are saying you are mad at the wrong person. His mother seems like a great grandmother, but maybe a sucky MIL.
The fact is you two have been doing this "living arrangement" for how long? 7 years? And you have OBVIOUSLY been OK with it (or so he thinks) so why is it not OK now? What has changed? Personally I don't get the whole having two homes, but I can tell you this... If I lived closer to my family I would spend a LOT of time with them, let them enjoy my kids, spoil THEM and ME. No problemo!
Does he love you? I don't know. Hard to say from the little you wrote. But it seems to me that he knows he is sexually inadequate and he rather you have sex with another man, then leave him... I think that is a big show of "love" on his part.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 March 2011):
 It sounds like he has his mother and then you as 'second mother'. At 42 if he still has his mother waiting on him then it is surely a bad sign. Most people resent their in-laws to some degree, but it sounds like she is being a good grandmother to your kids and is taking an interest in them at least. If you focus your hatred on her then you are missing the appropriate target - your husband. If he thinks it is ok for you to have an affair then it is probably because he has stopped thinking of you as a sexual being - you are, sadly, his second mother who does his chores when first mother is unavailable and that is alright with him. It sounds like your life is rather busy enough without having another 'child' to look after. It maybe sad to end the relationship once and for all but it isn't making you terribly happy is it? Living with him for the sake of the kids is not a good enough reason - you are entitled to be happy and they will feel the tension in your household if you remain with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): He sounds as if he wants to be with you because it is convienient and suits him. This would also account for his attitude to sex and you finding someone on the side! It does not sound like a good idea to be with this man, kids or not. You are obviously torn but your children will be happy if everything is handled well. His mother is just being a doting Gran so I would leave that aside. Do want is best for you, that is the bottom line.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I sympathize where you're coming from it feels like she is always trying to out do you and he just has it too well off there that he never wants to let go of his mother's apron strings.
She sounds like she is just being a grandmother and a mother, no matter how old your children get, they are still your children and you feel that you have to take care of them. It probably makes her feel needed in a way that she hasn't been in a while.
Maybe he thinks you are unhappy with him and your current sex life and he thinks that you finding someone else would make you happy. I don't think someone who loves you should tell you to sleep with other people, I would find someway to fix the sex life if that is the issue.
Has he expressed that he wants to be with you? Or does he just want to be with his children but not in an intimate relationship with you? In that case I could understand him saying it's okay for you to sleep with other people, because more than likely he probably is too in that case.
IF I were you I would ask him and get some clarification on what he wants from you relationship wise and go from there.
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): Boys and their mothers ...! You said it for yourself, "he is never going to give me what i expect from a relationship whilst he can fall back on her" ...
You are in the midst of a very difficult situation. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it. He's a "mummy's boy" and is being looked after like a prince by his mother, who will be only too delighted to have him at home. This woman is thinking only of herself and her son.
His mother sounds very controlling; what kind of grandmother provides clothing for her grandchildren with conditions attached, i.e., they can only wear that clothing at her house? That's outrageous!
As far as your husband not minding if you find "a discreet buddy" ... what can I say? If you love someone you cannot bear the thought of them being with someone else. You can bet your bottom dollar if he's giving you permission to have a discreet buddy, he'll be giving himself that permission also. Apart from anything else, you are separated, it is not for him to give you permission - he is not in charge!
You are between a rock and a hard place. So long as your husband remains with his mother (and let's face it, why would he leave her?) you won't be able to resolve anything. He has never really left home - he spent seven years with you "on and off" going between your house and his mother ... You know in your heart of hearts this is not right.
You must completely cut him and his over-bearing mother out of your life. Of course, he has the right to see his children (as, I suppose, she does as their grandmother). Let them pursue visitation officially through the legal system. Other than that, have no contact with him or his mother.
As long as you are shackled to this man, you are shackled to his mother. If you don't lay down some rules right now, and let him know he is no longer a part of your life, I guarantee you he will expect to be able to move in with you full-time when his mother eventually passes away. Do you want that? Is he a good role model for your children? Do you want either of your children to grow up to be like him?
I think you know the answers to all the questions yourself. Trust your instincts. Recognise when you are being used. Be guided by what is best for your children.
I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): i have been in a situation like yours. three options 1 he doesnt love enough. you has there been any signs of your man cheating or maybe he wants to break up with you and doesnt want to hurt you.
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