A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd like some advice on how to deal with my feelings of anger towards my bf who has been watching porn while i've been coping with a miscarriage. We've been together 9 months, and I know he's been watching porn occasionally (like one short video every 3-4 days) since we got together, because he downloads them onto the computer we share (he doesn't know I know). At first, it made me feel insecure, but then I kinda let myself think it is ok, that it's just something men do for a 'release', and that it was fine because it wasn't impacting on our relationship-our sex life was still great, and he only watched it when I wasn't around. Everything else in our relationship has been going great, and he's asked me to move in with him in the next few months, and has even said he sees himself getting married and having a family with me. (He said this out of the blue 2 months ago, and I felt happy!)So then, 3 weeks ago, I found out I was unexpectedly 7 weeks pregnant. This was the first time either of us had had a pregnancy. We were both shocked at first, but after a few days, he told me he wanted us to keep the baby. I wasn't sure, as I felt it was too soon and we didn't have a home together. But then I started to feel happy and excited and to want the baby too :)But then, last week, I had a miscarriage. I told him, and he cried. We talked, and he also told his mother and sister and his best male friend, and he feels he is getting over it and moving forwards. I am still pretty sad about it, and feel very alone with my sadness. He is trying to get on with normal life, but I still have days when I am preoccupied with thinking about the miscarriage. It's fine that we have different ways of dealing with this, but what has upset me greatly is that he is still watching porn!!! I don't get it. How can he do that when we're going through something like this? It makes me feel angry, like the miscarriage hasn't really affected him. I feel like I have to act 'normal' around him, not let him see that I am sad when I feel sad, and that his feelings about it all have been superficial, which makes me doubt a lot of things about him. My main problem is I really can't understand why he would do this and what it means. Why would a man still enjoy watching porn if he was truly affected by a miscarriage? I am angry with him, but haven't told him about this - should I?Thanks.
View related questions:
insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Roshii  +, writes (28 July 2011):
 Im sorry that you had to experience such a terrible loss. but i agree, your boyfriend is probably using porn as a distraction.
women are more open about there emotions where as guys are more likely to become closed off and reserved. Trying to get on with life is a testament to this.
However you are obviously not ready for that step yet, and i feel like your issue with him watching porn is a projected issue with feeling like he's not there for you at the moment. like he's leaving you behind. Should you mention that your not ready to move on, Yes. Should you mention the porn thing? probably not i don't think it means he's less sad than you. Chances are he's probably more of a accepting person.
So my advice is talk to him about what you really want to say.
I hope this helps
Roshii
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Well, firstly, I'm very sorry about what happened to you. That is a very unfortunate and traumatic event and I truly do wish you the best in moving forward. Many women have miscarriages and go on to have healthy, happy babies. So, keep that in mind.
Your boyfriend loves you a lot. I can tell just by what you wrote. He sees you as a long term partner and has even told you this. Many guys aren't so open with sharing such thoughts. So, usually when they say something like that, they sure as hell mean it. So, you need not feel insecure about yourself, him, or the relationship you share. He loves you.
Men and women grieve differently, usually. This is simply because of our biological make-up. Most women tend to be highly more emotional and sensitive than most men, just due to how our brains are hardwired differently. It's natural. While I do believe that your boyfriend is very hurt by the incident, he might just not be outwardly showing it as much for two reasons: a.) he is naturally less outwardly emotional than you, and b.) he is trying to be strong for you. He might not be crying 24/7 because he is wanting to be emotionally strong for you, who he knows is very hurt and broken. However, keep in mind that he was outwardly hurt! He did shed tears and tell other people about what happened. He was and is hurt! He just isn't always showing it, which I don't think is something you can fault him on. He is trying to keep it together and be strong. There is nothing wrong with that.
So, now comes the porn issue... I don't think it is fair for women to bash on men for watching porn occasionally. We look at sex very differently because of our differences in emotional awareness. To a woman, sex is usually meaningful and an extension or exhibition of love. To a man, while it often is viewed as an act of love and meaning, sex is sometimes completely simple: it's a release and a stress reliever. Men are also very, very visual. So, porn helps him get off quicker and easier because, instead of having to use his imagination, he can just watch a show. Your boyfriend is occasionally masturbating and using a little bit of visual stimulation to aid the process. He isn't addicted to porn and he isn't viewing it to be disrespectful. He just biologically needs to release and masturbate and he likely knows that he shouldn't come begging you for sex anytime soon because it is likely quite far from your mind. If anything, your boyfriend is being very respectful of you and I don't think you have anything to worry or be offended about.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (10 July 2011):
I'm sorry you are going through this OP
I personally think that this is down to the fact that men and women can react differently to sex, and as you yourself said, porn can be something men do jut for release. I sometimes think that for men sex is more of a physical act whereas for women it is more emotional. That is just my personal opinion, and isn't always the case, of course.
I don't think that, for your boyfriend, watching the porn and the miscarriage have anything to do with each other. He has probably compartmentalised the two, and compartmentalising the miscarriage is probably his coping method. I don't think it is fair for you to think that he hasn't been affected by it just because he has been watching porn. Of course I also think it is natural that the two of you are coping differently because, unlike your BF, you have also been physically affected, and you are dealing with a personal loss.
If you think that his feelings over the miscarriage are superficial because he has been watching porn then I think you are probably off the mark somewhat, and I don't really think you should be angry with him. Is the porn the sole reason that you feel you need to hide your sadness? If this is the case then I think you are probably more preoccupied by the porn than he is, and, judging by your post, I reckon you are probably thinking about the porn and allowing it to affect your relationship far more than your bf. Personally I think you should let it go unless you think his porn habit is making your bf behave differently. I understand that you have a lot to deal with at the moment but I don't think your bf's occasional porn use means he is any less sad or upset by the events that have happened.
...............................
|
