A
male
age
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*jbhabs
writes:hi im a male 49 my wife is 46,we worked for the same company on a shut down for 6 weeks just 3 months ago.my wife was a saftey officer i was a wellder.are foreman was a 29 year old male.a little history i would go on the internet a couple of years on a chat lines,and look at porn.i always said i was married on these chat lines but some people would say there women but later on they were really a man and want a 3some with me and my wife but i was playing around and looking for 3some with another women ,i would never go along with it because i know my wife never would.couple of times my wife saw this on my computer she was very upset i said i would quit but did it again a year later and she saw it again but i have not done it since i was just playing around never met no one.but it upset her i understand she does not like me looking at porn ether.but just a month after are work together she saw and old chat messagee with a eomen on a face book page it was 2 years old,she was quit mad i was away working so we were only together every secound week.she sais she always thought of the artical and it bothered her.one night when i was gone this 29 year old foremen we previsly worked for texted her at 3 am in the morning.she had strage texts befor from young guys but never answerd them but this one she did.they texted each other for 4 months every day she told him about me on the chat lines and porn sites saying that she didn,t know what to do and she wanted to kill herself so she says never read that on her texts but she saved lot of other texts on her phone that i read and they would say good morning love,night my love and i love you dear on them.she told me there just friends thats all he helped her he was her gaurdian angle he saved her im glad that he saved her but its not right telling another guy that you love them .we fight all the time about it we are very much in love but i ask her not to text him anymore because of all the talk of love and that it hurts me so deeply.but she still does a little and we fight so i erased his nimber of her phone then she got another text from him and she hide is number in her contact list on another name.please help me is it normal for a wife to tell a male friend that she loves him in one letter she said she truely loves him and has no regrets saying it to him.and ewhy would a guy texts someones wife at 3am in the morning.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): It seems that this other man has been more of a husband than you were capable of. She apparently is quite broken over the idea that you fantasized about whoring her out, turning your marriage into a living porn escapade, and could not honor your word... or your marriage vow.You were clearly invested in these other women and you were clearly pretty into the idea of degrading your wife for your sexual thrills. If I were your wife, I would have left you in a New York minute. You don't deserve her. Perhaps this other man has a heart and would make for a much better match than you do with her. You should be ashamed of yourself and instead of fixating on her loving a man who may be deserving of her love and affection (rather than you) ... perhaps you should be putting your sick male ego aside for five seconds... long enough to realize you may have destroyed her love and respect for you. Do the right thing and back off the ego trip. Enough is enough. If you want to prove you are worth the time of day... then do it. Otherwise leave her the heck alone.
A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (14 November 2010):
Ok. Let me just try and summarise your question. I found it quite hard to read and so, I am trying to clarify the points.
1. You used to go onto chatsites and pornsites and you would casually flirt with the idea of a threesome but the reality was you knew your wife would not go along with this. On discovering you were doing this, she became very upset and asked you to stop. You did.
2. One year later you do it again. She catches you again and you stop.
3. Your wife comes across an old chatsite message from a few years ago and got very angry about it.
MEANWHILE....
4. Work-wise, you spend every other week apart and you discover some texts between your wife and the foreman.
5. First of all, what do you mean she's had texts from young men before but never answered them? What young men? How did they get her number?
6. How do you know she being texted at all? Were you checking her texts behind her back?
7. So - her texts clearly show how distressed she was by your emotional cheating. Yes, cheating. Relationships have two components - a physical and an emotional side. Infidelity can be described as any physical or emotional intimacy that betrays the trust of a partner. Chatsites and texting relationships are emotional cheating.
8. So, because you emotionally cheated on her, she turned to someone for help and has formed an emotional bond with them. Don't you get it? Emotions FUEL relationships. No emotional trust, crap relationship. THis is WHY chatsites, pornsites destroy the emotional side of a relationship and ultimately the relationship. You planning threesomes and going onto chatsites is as painful to her as you reading or hearing her tell another man she LOVES him. Do you understand?
You seem to doubt that she had suicidal thoughts because there wasn't evidence on her texts - the ones you were spying on? GEEZ.
You fight all the time but you are very much in love? You know, this really doesn't sound like two people in love to me.
These two have formed an emotional bond. You feel threatened by it. You should ask, why did she turn to this man in the first place? Because you were injuring her self-esteem, her pride, her heart but contacting other women for threesomes. Do you get it?? Stab, stab, stab in the heart! She needed comfort and kindness and found it. She is getting kindness and attention from this man.
Until you see what you did, you will not understand why these two are close friends. And when you get it, you will need to provide her with the love and understanding she is getting from him, rather than try and stop their friendship and then continue as before.
Yes, of course you can love someone of the opposite sex and tell them. Loving is not being in love. She may also have realised that your jealousy is giving her a lot of attention. Bet you spend your time thinking about what she's up to rather than going onto porn sites. Kinda kills your mojo, huh?
Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, pjbhabs +, writes (14 November 2010):
pjbhabs is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni was concerned about her killing herself.and i give her tons of affection my friends think im hen pecked i text her everyday tell her i love her so so much probly 10 times a day every day.buy her flowers,spend every secound with her i really changed this last year.the reply she found on the computer was old from 2008 jan.i quit all that then..
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A
female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (14 November 2010):
 it sounds like your wife feels she needs some affection in her life. You need to start giving her attention and stop doing stuff behind her back. You also need to try and build up trust again.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 You do not seem at all concerned that your wife tried to kill herself? What have you done to make sure she is happy being with you since you found out? She needed someone who would talk to her about her problems and she found him, it is only natural that she would feel something towards him and whether or not that is the same love she feels for you is quite arguable.
Focus on making her happy with you first. Stop lying to her and stop doing things that you know she hates. This man is a good friend apparently and she could very well love him, does that mean she is IN love with him? Not necessarily.
Make her happy and THEN, if she does not at least lessen the frequency of these texts, confront her about it.
I hope that helps.
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