A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I need some advice. I'm actually having a bit of a breakdown at the moment! I'm waking up at 5am with a panic feeling of fear, I have constant headaches and cry all the time. Yes I'm going to my doctors! Basically I'm 30 years old and was brought up in a big major city, I've constantly struggled with life! I left school at 15 as I had school phobia and around that time my patents were getting a divorce and my home life was pretty disruptive. I come from a nice middle class background and on the outside had nice clothes, friends etc. On the inside it was all falling apart. The rows were awful and at 15 my mum left! (I since have separation issues and as a result come needy and far too clingy with boyfs) I was left with my dad and older bro, which was horrid as my dad dotted me but treated my brother like shit. At 17 my dad gave us all24 hours to leave the house as being evicted not paid mortgage. Since then life has been a strugle and now 13 years on still not settled. All I want is my own home, to meet someone nice and get married have babies and my own family. I want security! Money, home, love.After I left home, I dossed around for years living on state benefits and living in supported accommodation or with friends. My mum had and still has a 1 bed flat and as for my dad his lived in various rooms and now lives with my bro, who suffers from serve bipolar. And his sleeping on my bros sofa and constantly borrows money of me. Like thousands! I get on with the folks but I think they're awful parents! It's like I'm my dads mother, constantly trying to sort his life out as his such a fuck up. He lost his job in aug because didn't sign a form for his medical and now 3 months on his signed it but now waiting another few months for company to reinstate him. I'm having to sort his life out constantly.. Makes me very angry that he still won't grow up!! Anyway. So at 21 with no qulifactions I started a beauty course, was hideous at it. Then spoke to woman who said I could go to University.. l Upshot I enrolled at a local college, did a access to higher education course and a year later applied to a local Uni to do a drama degree (wanted to go drama school as a kid and always wanted to be actress) at Uni I made some great friends for life and I was 23 and happy. I lived for 3 years in Uni house share with 3 other girls and had best time. At 25 I graduated and started doing unpaid work in pr. I also started seeing a married men (big mistake) then 26 I moved out, found my own flat and good pr job paid. I lived there for 5 months and was happy. But I left to go travel around Australia and new zeland for a few months with friends. I got back at 27 and had nothing no where to live no money nothing! Once again i was back where started... Luuckly I found pr Job and through a friend the most beautiful flat share ever, with one other girl... Her parents lived in Paris and gave her luxury flat in centre town and I moved in for cheap. I lived there for 2 half years and was at my job for that time as well. I enjoyed pr. I was good at it and liked people I worked with! But the pay was shocking I was 29 and on 22k a year, same as 21 year olds. I was happyish thing were for those years all ok! But the married man kept telling me I'd make a great drama teacher... Although I had left him by now. And was seeing wonderful man ( who eventually left me recently as I was too much his now marrying someone else) I kept thinking maybe I should do it! Everyone told me id make great teacher.... anyway I applied for pgce and got accepted to a uni in the country 280 miles away and as was older and getting on I thought now or never and l this Spet aged 30 I moved here on my own in a tiny room to begin the course.But I'm not great, I'm lonely here. It's not me I'm a city lady and I'm finding course really hard and not sure I care about subject and not fan of kids either. But then Im good at taking to kids and do want to help them! Pr isn't exactly meaningful!!!I just keep thinking I've achieved nothing in life. All my friends who were younger then me. All earning 30k year living in city having fun and I'm here earning no money getting more in student debt and lonely, living miles away and stressed wit soo much work! I feel like I've made life worse not better, least before i was ok! All I really want is to be back in city and be settled with someone and start a family, I'm 30 now and still have no security or money. I've got nothing as always. I'm meant to be moving back to my city in feb as I'm doing second half of course there and I know it's not long to go, but seems like ages. Plus I once again have issue of nowhere to live when go back home, so have to move into random houseshare again! I'm too old. I just don't know what to do, go back to stress free pr now, try get pr job on shit pay again and room in london, or carry on busting my arse to be teacher which means better pay when start next year, can have children with the job and holidays and everyday different... But. When it's soo hard and I'm struggling. With pr though i was on such awful pay and hard to get jobs, but at same time It's easy to do! Stress free! I think it's because i want to be back home as well. I'm not happy here. But then it is looking at same 4 walls everyday and would I be bored in few years. I just can't help but think I've got nothing still and feel jealous as all my friends earning and buying flats etc. I get 600 a month to live on be 30k in debt when finish course. All I want it to be settled and in serous relationship. I think it won't ever happen. Thank you
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a break, cheap, debt, divorce, jealous, lost his job, married man, money, moved in, moved out, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (14 November 2010):
Hello.
You are far, far more brilliant and amazing than you know. You really, really are.
You are intelligent and motivated. I have met people with every bit of kindness, money and opportunities given to them and they have shoved it up a nose or glugged it down their throat. YOU - have not. Despite obstacles, you have kept going.
Right now - your nerves are exhausted. You are living on nervous energy and it is exhausting. Panic attacks, headaches, bursting into tears. If I could give you a cuddle right now, I would.
So, what is the source of this unhappiness. Well, I would guess that it all STEMS from an insecure family background. Please go and talk to a counsellor about this. All the issues that are being raised right now, stem from this. You have security and abandonment issues.
What is also happening, you are constantly identifying with LACK. You are identifying with all the things you do not have and you are beating yourself into exhaustion with it.
Imagine on one shoulder you have darth vadar, breathing negative energy into you and reading a list of all the things you think you don't have and driving you nuts. He then reads a list of all the things your friends have and tells you you are shit for not having them. He then moves onto your bank balance. He then reminds you of debt. He reminds you of your age. He taunts you that you're never going to get anywhere. He then wakes you up at 5 am by kicking you in the head. He's just lovely, isn't he?
Meanwhile, Yoda on your other shoudler, who would be telling you how fabulous you are and kicking DV's butt has been sent away by you....so bring him back.
Please, please go and find a cousellor. You are so much stronger than you know! x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): HiYou have a wealth of experience...and it's called life!!!!and all in a short space of time. Security....nothing in this world is secure! ask the people who loose it all overnight ,for whatever reason...be secure in you..who you are.....jealous of friends buying flats etc...you look for the security you never had, but won't truly find it in bricks... freak weather can take that away, you tie yourself to a false IMAGE of security. Career you have more than you realise, have you thought about a Drama therapist, i believe it can be a good salary, you could travel with it alongside your teaching qualifications...the worlds your oyster. Why coup yourself up in a little flat for ever, just to be the same as your friends. Children and love can be made anywhere in the world not just the city scene. Security...look insidenot outside, and look bigger than city. You have everything you need already to have a great life and a colourful one.I wish you well.Spunky monkey :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): "Since then life has been a strugle and now 13 years on still not settled. All I want is my own home, to meet someone nice and get married have babies and my own family. I want security! Money, home, love."
I know someone who could have written your story. Get counseling BEFORE you get a spouse, boyfriend, babies, etc.
Really, it will save you a lot of pain in your marriage. Your insecurity is going to hurt those that you love in the future if you don't get help now.
If you get help, spill out all this stuff, and let counselors help you learn how to manage with it. Take the time, a year or so, to work on this hard.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Hi i understand were your coming from when you say that you want to be settled and married, but you need to try and focus on yourself for now and making yourself happy before this can happen. You need to really look at things and ask yourself what job you would prefer to have, dont just do teaching because of the money, because happiness is way better than wealth and if you wouldnt be happy in teaching then there really is not point in doing it.
I understand why you would be lonely living so far from home and not knowing anyone, have you tried to make friends outside of your course? Am sure there are many groups and organisations around were you could join, or are ther any hobbies that you like doing? Try and join a club or something were you can meet people and go out and socialize with them, you are never going to find a man sitting in your house on your own. You need to go out and make friends then febuary wont seem that long away.
Dont be so down on yourself, you feel like you have achieved nothing but there are plenty of 30 year olds in the Uk getting benefits and have to live in sheltered accomadation and dont have two pennies to rub together at least you are motivated, you are doing courses and getting your life organised, there are loads of people out there that cant even be bothered going to universaty they just sit around all day doing nothing, so try and look at your life and be proud of what you have achieved so far.
It hard on children when they're parents split up it can affect many people very badly, have you ever seeked help for it? it might benefit you to ask your doctor to put you forward for councelling or thereapy, they are there to listen and to help you, im concerned at how down you are on yourself you need to build up your confidence and live your life happily am glad you are going to your doctor its the best thing to do, i wish you all the best in the future.
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