A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am involved in my first relationship since divorcing my wife of 20 years. I have been in it for 9 months, and it has been wonderful. However, there was an instance a month into our relationship where I caught her in a bit of a lie and it made me feel like I couldn't trust her. I felt betrayed, and she felt she had lost me. That night, she contacted her ex to come over that weekend for sex (I found out in an old E-mail 3 months later, but had a gut feeling something was up). I'm faily sure he didn't, since she and I went away that weekend after we made up. Since then, our love has grown, but I have found information a few times that leads me to believe she had many more sexual partners prior to me than she claims. We share a computer and a storage room where I found this info. when I asked her about it, she flat out made up lies. Now I have trust issues again. I realize these are partners before I came along, but I feel I need to know her REAL number. She has told me about 4 others, and has been open about them...but she admits talking about her past makes her uncomfortable and it is obvious she carefully hides other partners, and I don't know why. I just want to understand her past and know what I'm dealing with. we intend to marry, and I don't think I can until I know how many partners she's had. I don't need details...just the number. The REAL number...is this asking too much?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 June 2010):
 The slippery slope that leads only downwards...
Forget reasons. Forget rationality. Forget the insecurities we hide behind 'morality'. Forget STDs and 'risk' and all that stuff. It's all unimportant in this.
There's one simple thing you need to understand: the more you know, the more it will bother you. Every extra piece of information is going to take you further from peace, not towards it. Each extra image and 'fact' is going to give you something else to obsess over and worry about.
For YOUR benefit, don't ask. You're only hurting yourself with these questions because the answers will inevitably damage you. You simply cannot win by knowing more.
The only way to 'win' here is to let the past go. Make a conscious, firm and resolute decision to move on and think of the present and the future. Otherwise you'll be doomed to swim in a painful swamp of your own making until you finally drown in depression, anxiety and jealousy, beset by the endless images that you have dragged out of the woman you supposedly love under duress.
Don't ask.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): IMO you have every right to know a womans sexual past if you are serious about her. Why do you think the courts keep criminal records? Because typically the past is a pretty darn good indicator of future actions. I personally would not date anyone seriously unless they came clean about their past. That simple.
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A
male
reader, twinlab99 +, writes (17 June 2010):
 To Marialatin ....you're right and I hate you for it..haha.
To the guy that posted this letter. I went through the same thing....she'll never fess up. Just use your head, it's alot!
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (8 June 2010):
 I was not once asked about my past and my husband now has a wonderful wife, If he would have bother me over and over about the same subject I can guaranteed you he would be missing out because I would have split.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Ok, I've watched this thread silently for a few days now and I'm still clueless-which is nothing new-BUT: why the hell is this so important to you? What's the diff. if it's 3 or 83?
While I can see and validate the trust issue aspect (meaning: her choosing to lie to you or not) I still see nothing that says to me that you are in critical need of this information; as if her telling you that she's had 3 or less partners will magically transform her into the perfect woman?
Or are you only searching for a "reason" to invalidate your relationship with her and enable you to brand her the scarlet harlot you suspect her to be?
There are any number of arguments you can make to support your position from: you're having sex with everyone she's ever had sex with-as in STD-concerns- to: I'm a weirdo with this weird hang up-to you're the one with STD problems. I still see nothing to support your interest in this information. What does it alter other than the dynamic of your relationship?
She's still who she is, regardless of the number of sexual trysts she's had prior to you.
It's her personal business, like her bra-size or the number of times she visits the powder room, per day. I recommend you just get over it, unless you have an undisclosed, very valid reason for nothing more than simply manufacturing something to obsess about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): I apreciate the advice. Yes, I am OK with whatever the number is, I just want to know what it is....and I am very sure it is not 4. Even moreso, I want to know if she was with her ex while with me. I was very non-committal early in our relationship, and several things that were done or said allude to her meeting up with others...to what extent, I dont know.
I was married for 14 of the 20 I knew my ex wife. We were simply not compatible...that story and part of my life is over. One of you said it best..."treat this as a journey to destinations unknown" That phrase has stayed with me for days, and I like it. I don't have to decide...just enjoy and keep my mind and eyes open. However, if I find even a whiff of another cock, she's history.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (7 June 2010):
horrible pun there, q.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 June 2010):
If you can't trust her the best thing would be to end the relationship. You can't start a marriage if you feel you can't trust the women to claim to love. I'm assuming that you don't really care on how many men she has slept with, but that she is not consistent in her story. With that alone the best thing you can do is move on.
For future reference always remember that the women you marry is who she is because of her past. If you want a women with very few sex partners than I hope you yourself is planning on not sleeping around, don't be a hypocrite. If you have a lot of sex partners than don't throw stones, accept her for whom she is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): if you want this woman as your wife you need to know about her sexual past. the number of men she had sex with. easy as that.
but i think you need to look closely at her. remember you have caught her in lies before. hey while together she was trying to hook up with her so called ex for sex. tells you something about the kind of woman you are marrying!yes she is hiding her past and you will be flat out shell shocked if/when you discover her past. is she faithful to you. are you sure? she seems to have a back up sex partner but she then went away with you.
let me advise you one thing: listen to that little voice that is saying do not trust her. it is not only women who have a sixth sense. trust your instinct about this woman. you cannot trust her and this speaks volumes. be careful if you do decide to marry her, i am sure she still has her backup lovers hovering in the dark. plse save yourself heartache and pain. enjoy the ride but do not make her your bride!
you had been married for 20 years. i am curious why did you divorce your wife. can you not reconcile with her?
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Anon said:
"Silly man. You think you have the right to know who you are marrying! This is 2010. You don't have the right to protect yourself from the emotional or physical damage her sexual past may bring your marriage. Not when it might cause a woman to face negative consequences for her own past choices."
Piggy's point is that the number is not who you're marrying. He's right. But you are marrying the person who has been through all of what she has, and sex has been a part of it. We all have the right to know what the other has been through, and we all should have the responsibility to tell one another such, before we get all wrapped up, before we get lied to, before we start obsessing because we were lied to. I would press her for the truth, or I'd leave her. I know I'm out of fashion, but that's how I feel. let's assume this guy does what you say and doesn't ask anymore. Will his living alone with wondering be morally, psychically, preferable to having found out? Everything fades with time sure, but choose your battles!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): She's a l-i-a-r, period. I think that's more than you need to send her packing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Carrot - you are very right...I forged ahead, knowing about the ex boyfriend thing. It has affected my trust since. She said she thought we were apart (we had a spat, but didn't really end it), but I know it was probably more. Here's why: I was intimidated sexually by the fact that she has such a strong appetite for sex, and it was satisfied prior to me by a guy who was much more well endowed than me. I'm by no means small, but still, it messed with me enough to give me some performance anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I was used to the same woman for over 20 years (yes, I had partners before) meant that it was difficult for me to always perform sexually. I often lost erections during sex. I also could not give her an honest answer about our future, as I hadn't divorced yet. So her inviting her ex over was probably just her wanting her needs met. She said something about it being a moment of being self-destructive...some crap abouot punishing herself for losing me (yeah right...by jumping on a 9" cock? WTF). So, I've been cautious ever since, and I am worried I will never be able to trust her. Not only because of this episode, but also the other times she has told me white lies about her past, and changed her story later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Marialatin, please don't trample on my rights. You do whatever you want with your life, and I will not judge you for it. But don't call me names for just trying to protect myself from your mistakes. If I am not allowed to ask someone about their sexual past before getting into bed with them then I cannot even protect myself. If you don't want to tell me the truth about your history then you can always refuse to answer my questions. I will decide for myself based on that. But just don't lie to me.And please don't tell me my gender is all promiscuous. That is not even close to true.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Q, the ex-boyfriend incident happened during the first month of the relationship. That alone should have been a red flag to proceed with caution, but he forged ahead anyway.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 June 2010):
You had 20 years with your former wife--of course you knew everything about her. Sorry, but you can't impose the same rules of disclosure on a nine month relationship. Since this is your first relationship since your divorce-- a transitional relationship--you might wanna back off all of the talk about marriage anyway.
Look, if she's close to your age, assume she's had more than 4 sex partners in her adult life. That's normal. I don't know if your ex-wife was the only woman you've been with sexually or if you have had a limited number of partners, but understand that during the 20 years you were off the market, other people were out gettin' their freak on. You can't punish her for that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): No, that's not always true at all.
Half the time we are struggling just to get the truth about how many digits are in her partner number. And did any of them have risk factors for STDs. Was there sexual abuse in the past, etc.
There is nothing unfair about wanting to know this stuff. The backlash against the old cultural rules is going too far. The new social rules have begun unfairly punishing people for asking legitimate questions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): I don't want to oppress women with Renaissance era social rules. But right now we are oppressing MEN with a backlash way too far in the other direction.
If you want sexual freedom then you have to take the responsibility that comes with it. Only an immature teenager thinks they have the right to demand one without accepting the other.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (4 June 2010):
Women have new standards and will explore their options this does not make them a Sluts...This makes them stronger women. Women that are able to distinguish a real man from a looser.
In my opinion if you want to question my past you better have yours in tact. Man feel they have this right to question a female and judge her by her sexual history. Unless you have been fooled in believing this female is a virgin and actually tricken you, you have no right to judge.
If you still have this mentally that a women is pure and honest base on her virginity buddy I feel sorry for you, you will miss out and might loose a good women because of the way you think. You might have your own standards but believe me women these days have there's too.
Poster this goes to all these anon writers that feel we still live in the Renaissance period. As for you I applaud you in your decision of letting it go. You will live a happier life not having this throne poke you everyday. Let it go and live a happy life. Always Remember that the women you have now is with you, and thats all that should matter. She is the person you fell in love and her past is what made her what she is today.
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (4 June 2010):
And Anon is brilliant, allow me to quote:
"Silly man. You think you have the right to know who you are marrying!
This is 2010. You don't have the right to protect yourself from the emotional or physical damage her sexual past may bring your marriage. Not when it might cause a woman to face negative consequences for her own past choices."
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A
male
reader, Kama +, writes (4 June 2010):
No. It is not asking too much. What they're saying is all sarcasm and presumption. If you want to know, know. Two people should be able to look each other in the eyes and tell the truth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): A woman and man in a romantic relationship cannot be compared to a customer taking a loan out from a bank looking to profit off of the customer's interest. But I think it says a lot about you that in your analogy, you're the party hoping to capitalize on the other's need for your own benefit.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Go to your local bank and ask for a loan. When they ask to see your credit history, tell them "You have no right to judge me for my past! It does not affect the FUTURE!"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): June 3 anon: Her sexual PAST doesn't have any effect on a FUTURE marriage.
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to tell them every last detail about yourself. I love my girlfriend, but she doesn't need to know the details of me watching porn or masturbating because it doesn't do anything to her or to our relationship.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Silly man. You think you have the right to know who you are marrying! This is 2010. You don't have the right to protect yourself from the emotional or physical damage her sexual past may bring your marriage. Not when it might cause a woman to face negative consequences for her own past choices.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2010):
 This is a lose-lose for her.
Let's say her number is 27. What happens then?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I thank you all for your responses. I admit, prior to this I have been with the same woman for 20 years, so knowing EVERYTHING about someone (even if some things took almost 20 years to emerge) is normal IMO, and even vital for a very long term relationship to succeed. I won't judge you all by saying you don't know anything about the depth of long term relationships, so please dont judge me by saying I have trust issues. But I will say I think most relationships are shallow BECAUSE there is too much privacy and secrecy. I think I have truth issues, but I agree I may be a bit insecure about the whole thing. It is true I will never know the true number, or how good they were, or how I rank...but I know she loves me and I love her, so I can let it go.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 It is asking way too much. Your insistence is intrusive and morbid. And also useless. You have trust issues so you would not believe her anyway. If she says 12, you'd start suspecting that it's in fact 15. If she says 15, you'll think is 17..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): The number of sexual partners she's been with won't matter, because she could say 0 or 1, and you most likely wouldn't believe her, or she could say 100 and still remain monogamous for the whole period of time that you are together. Love in the future, don't live in the past.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (3 June 2010):
Why do you need to know her sexual past...her past is what made her the women you love today.
To be honest I find it disrespectful of you asking over and over again the same question. She might be telling you the truth and has only slept with 4 guys and yet you still don't believe her.
I think you have trust issues and this is something you have to deal with because this is your problem not hers.
I think the only questions you should be asking her about her past is if she was a serial killer, a child molester, murder her husband, or if she had risky sex, all this for your own protection but simply because you can't move forward because you don't know the exact number makes no sense. I don't want to sound like I'm attacking you but grow up your pushing 50 come on now.
Let it go and deal with your own insecurities and you will see you will live a happier life. Good luck hope you make a wise decision and let it go.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 June 2010):
 This is just simply not going to end well. We get postings from guys with your same issue all the time. They make both themselves and their partners miserable. If this is already causing you grief then how will knowing the EXACT number give you any relief? It won't. Either you just decide to let the matter drop or you go on a search for a female who has lived for most of her adult life in a cloister. So my answer is yes, you are asking too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): You can't even handle it before you know, there is no way you could handle the real number whatever it is. How many she slept with is none of your business. Let it go before you spoil what you have.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 June 2010):
What if it's 100 men or more. Can you cope? Probably not. There really is no reason for you to know. People who ask that question nearly always end up paranoid after it. It has no bearing at all on how many people she has slept with. The trust issues are your problem, not hers, and you need to deal with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): This may be the opposite of what you think...She may be giving a lower number BECAUSE she loves you. Many guys indicate a girls "pureness" or whatever by how many people they have been with. Many guys do not want to be with someone who has slept with a lot of people because they see them as slutty or promiscous. Of course that number changes depending on the age of a person so of course 5 people for a girl who is 18 will probably look worse then 5 people for someone who is 30. You may not be the kind of guy to judge based on this but your girlfriend just might be afraid you would. Its that old notion that it looks good for a girl to have few sexual partners and for a guy to have many.
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