A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I come from a working class family that was originally fairly large but now there are few family members left. My background was abusive and my career path has not been at all straight forward. I was always 'top of my class' in school and was probably meant to be one of those kids for whom everything works out. I've always worked really hard, and I've been very hard on myself in the past and trying to resolve this. Long story short, I married very young, became immediately pregnant, gave birth to a daughter and was soon after abandoned by my husband. Divorce, a move to a major city and many years of estrangement and trying to reconcile with my parents and sisters - my family was and toxic, really awful, but I am trying to reconcile with one sister who I believe was abused worse than me and who suffered multiple mental health issues as a consequence (life was hell growing up with her but I don't blame her for it).Along the way, through hard work and basically having no social life really, I managed to keep alive my connection to art. I did an undergraduate degree, a postgraduate degree and two years ago completed a PhD In art at a globally renowned college. My daughter is also thriving and has studied and worked hard and is really happy and settled with her partner. We have a great relationship, though she has struggled with the effects of having no other family to support her or me. Now, I struggle to combine teaching contracts with being an artist. My art work is not the kind of 'pretty', seductive looking work that anyone could easily put on a wall. It fits into a long history of women's art that relates to issues like vulnerability, trauma. People who love my work really absolutely love it - and all the way through art college I've received top grades and never had any problem with feedback on my work.However, my family never ever acknowledged that I was an artist. Not once. My memories of my parents when they were alive and when I was trying to reconcile with them is that there was simply a repressive silence around what I do. Same with my sisters. Same with the few remaining family members I'm in touch with now. I have a cousin in Australia, a half uncle in Australia, and one in Scotland. Recently we were in touch (instigated by me) via email. We have all met before, when we were younger and the cousin in Scotland knows a little bit, but not much, of my family history. You can imagine when you ask about each other's lives, there are details given about what job you do, who your partner is, how your kids are doing if you have any. I don't mention my art much at all, but I do deliberately say things like "I have an artist's studio close to where I live and I go there most days" and I mention if I have been in an exhibition or in a talk or event about my work. I'm not anything like a "major name" in the art world, but I do have a decent profile, especially given my background and how hard it has been. All - literally ALL of my family were only ever concerned with making money, They all worked in finance in some way and my remaining family all does, apart from my mentally ill sister who is a painter and decorator but is still very preoccupied with making money (although in her case it's more to have good self esteem and stability). I'm not saying making money is wrong, but my family don't seem to have any interest at all in what I do and it's as if I am unconsciously compensating for my family's lack of broader values by carrying them all myself. I don't expect them to be able to engage much with my work, or to like it, or to understand it, even though it is very accessible and you definitely don't need to be educated to respond to it - it's very intuitively made, but does also connect to complex theories surrounding art, What I find rude is that it feels more like a wilful decision on their part to deliberately ignore this part of my life that I've fought so hard for. There is not a single question about what I do, or even about my lecturing work in art colleges. Absolutely zero. I have a full website that they could easily access, but none of them ever show even the slightest acknowledgement of my work, despite that this has been my life-long 'thing' that they all know I've done since childhood. Conversely, I recently mentioned that I was thinking of doing a short course on gardening, which I've always loved, and the response was immediate "Oh, I can really see you doing that, it sounds great". I mean, I'm talking about a very part time evening class, and it was treated as if I was going to re-route my whole career into something 'acceptable' that they could comprehend. I'm not asking for anything more than the barest acknowledgement of what I do, I don't need their approval or their understanding, but I find the refusal to acknowledge almost like a form of "passive-aggressiveness". I know there is an idea of the artist being some self-centred narcissist who craves attention - I am honestly not that person, if anything I'm more inclined to be the opposite and happy to work away without much attention from others at all - I've kind of had to be that way, to be able to manage work, bringing up a child alone and maintaining a connection to what I love. My family have always been this way, from early teenage hood. I think they could cope if I was famous and making very pretty paintings that sold for a lot of money - I'm not interested in making that kind of work, but my work is recognised by people I respect and admire, and I've been told by people teaching me on the PhD that they think I'm 'gifted'. Why does this then bother me? Why won't my remaining family ever acknowledge that I am an artist?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): There are artists and artists. I have spoken to people who claim they are artists because they use a canvas, brush and paint, yet they can never sell any of their work and the truth is that they are just dabbling in it as a hobby. If they were a "singer" they would be having to make do with singing for free at karaoke nights because nobody would seek them out or pay them. If you have managed to rise above all of that and become a paid artist your family ought to be very proud of you, it is a very difficult thing to do. And they know that. I think your family would be just as uninterested and dismissive of any achievements you make - simply because they are them and you are you. Years ago they were abusive to you, now they are abusive in this way instead.It could be jealousy, it could be that you are well educated and they are not, but when people who are cold and abusive find fault with you that really tells you a lot more about them than it does about you.Stop caring what they think. They are not normal. Only care about what nice normal people think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2020): People who abuse you want to know that you are down trodden, not capable, that they have held up your life and blighted it. The last thing they want to see is that despite what they did to you in the past you have managed to survive and flourish. It would be the same whether you were a terrific artist or were into baking beautiful cakes.None of this is caused by you.What I cannot understand is that you make a big deal of this yet embrace family who used to abuse you. Surely when a family have abused you you hate them or are cold towards them, you do not want to spend time with them or be in touch with them, you escape as soon as you can and then avoid them.Groucho Marx once said that he would never want to join a club that invited him to be a member. Why are you so bothered about what a horrible family think of you? It is not a compliment when a horrible family like you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2020): HiYou are an accomplished Artist, well done! not an easy task and sometimes fraught with the tortured soul syndrome, the key to some astounding works of art sometimes, and as you will know, the process of creating art is a great healer.Many famous old masters had to deal with rejection and negative criticism throughout their working life and were only acknowledged and appreciated after they passed over.Hope you are not trying to give yourself a certain identity as the impoverished starved of affection and love artist because this will bug family and friends no end.I have painted since childhood and dubbed the artist of the family among other dubbins, probably because I was no good at anything else but art came natural to me at 5 years old I was sketching my pet dog and mother in the kitchen, on the back of old a piece of wallpaper, sketchbooks were luxury. I just loved all creativity and expressive arts.Art is always met with very complex opinions about it and classed as a soft subject in the curriculum and some of the artwork produced is complete shite and bugs the hell out of me how they make millions. Some people class art as flimsy, wasted time, bad career choice, while others are moved by it or in an endless pursuit of capturing it. Whatever it is, it is a process rather than a product on a therapeutic side, product when you reach for the pounds, what is your expression of it to your family? My best works of art always came from deep sadness or boiling anger, not from happiness ( I would have thought it should be the other way round) process, not product sometimes, I have managed to sell a few over the years and pretty sure nothing will change with my art when I expire, no vincent legacy to leave behind.I have to say don't expect anyone to title you as an artist, look at ole Van Gough and the many old masters.The artist lives within.We connect with certain imagery or we don't connect. A bowl of oranges in still life won't do it for me, but an old frazzled lady looking at the bowl of oranges, would. I would be imagining her life story, I would question everything and read her story through imagery, my point is that maybe deep down you are really wanting your family to see and acknowledge your pain through your art and they don't want to or they just are not inclined that way.Offer to paint them as a family?
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 November 2020):
 A couple of things in your post make me wonder if your family have actually seen your art and are perhaps "uncomfortable" with it or don't know how to react to it?
You admit your art "fits into a long history of women's art that relates to issues like vulnerability, trauma". You also state "there was simply a repressive silence around what I do". I had a quick search of "modern women artists" as background research, just to get an idea of what modern art is out there these days. As with all art, it is down to individual taste and perception. However, I have to admit I found some of the paintings disturbing to say the least, and that was without personally knowing the artists.
Most artists paint "from the heart". Based on what you write in your post, I wonder if your art work is a bit "close to home" for your family? If they are uncomfortable with what you paint, they may prefer to ignore it than acknowledge their discomfort or face any home truths.
I have to ask if your need for your family to acknowledge your art work is linked to your difficult relationship with them and your way of trying to get them to acknowledge what you went through? If so, do you think talking to a therapist would help you come to terms with your past and enable you to enjoy your artwork without needing your family's acknowledgement?
Sorry, not sure if there is anything helpful there at all. Your post triggered memories of a friend's daughter who suffered mental health issues throughout her childhood and expressed a lot of her anger/hurt/frustration/fear through her art, which was always rather "dark" and disturbing to her family. Looking back, it seems (to me, but I'm no expert) that this was the only way she could communicate her feelings but her family always tried to suppress the more extreme artwork and encourage what they say as more "normal" creations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): P.S.
You didn't mention in what ways you and your sister were abused; or if and how any alleged abuse was addressed?
If you sought protection, and/or exposed this abuse to anyone (such as law-enforcement, outsiders, or a child-protection agency); obviously, your family wishes to cut all ties. It is likely they will never bury the hatchet. It's retaliatory, and their passive-aggressive way of letting you know; they can always keep you cutoff and at a distance. Then you must resign yourself to forgive them, press on, and move forward. They are too old to change; and you can't live in the past.
Be thankful for the fact your sister is coming-around. A small blessing, is still a blessing. Only this kind of blessing has the capacity to grow and expand. Be optimistic, contain your expectations, and don't be discouraged by the reality of things. There is always a silver-lining; and it isn't always revealed exactly as you might want it, or it might be better than expected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): Some people just don't appreciate art, or have the cultured-inclinations to see being an artist as a significant or marketable-vocation; unless you get rich and famous from the sale of your work. Once you've established a name and fame; that's often when family and others truly see you as accomplished in your chosen profession.
This is a matter of perception and acceptance. You are trying to force your family to be cultured; and to see pass your long history of dysfunction. Expecting them to suddenly or miraculously change their ways. Unfortunately, they have proven to you they are who they are; and they don't intend to change. Just because you extend an olive branch doesn't mean they will accept it. You get an A for effort, although it isn't adequate to satisfy your need for their acknowledgement and love. It may be there, but they won't openly express it. Perhaps someday they will. It will be on their terms, and when they decide to. Obviously, not by your urging; or by any coercive-means. You know what the truth is, you can't shove it down their throats. They probably think you believe you're better than they are. To say or do anything to confirm it outloud, or in any cognitive way; just isn't going to happen.
They can't change how they relate to you; because they are the way they are. It seems your attempts at trying to change them is a frustrating and futile endeavor; that you'll have to come to terms with. They aren't appreciative of you, or don't recognize you as an artist; but that doesn't change the fact that you are. It doesn't make you an artist by their recognition of the fact; you are confirmed and affirmed by the fact you have become one through the practice and realization of your talents. Further established by your pursuit of the specific training and education you've received to become one. That in itself is authenticated, plainly revealed, and well-established by the facts. Nothing we can do about people in-denial. The truth is the truth, and the facts are the facts; that's what makes things real and indisputable. Although people have invented some asinine theory you can have "your own truth." There is no such thing! The truth is universal, in heaven and on earth. Nobody gets to personalize it to suit their own purposes, win an argument, or an election!
I suggest that you not further frustrate yourself trying to force recognition or acknowledgement from people who have eyes, ears, and a brain to see without saying. It is what it is! You are in fact, and undoubtedly, an artist; whether they choose to acknowledge it, or not! Can they not see what the world can see? Who you are and what you do is not based on the opinions of others; it is confirmed by your own knowledge, the visual-evidence, the credentials, and character you have to support it.
You and your sister are establishing a reconnection and reconciliation. I think you should continue nurturing and working towards that. Let the others come of their own volition. You can't force love out of people, and sometimes you can't make them openly acknowledge the obvious. Jealousy, feelings of shame, and sometimes guilt will keep people silent of any verbal-acknowledgement; or will restrain them from expressing any kind of encouraging affirmations. They'd rather not revisit the past; or explore deep emotional-ties they know they don't have the capacity to feel. They know they're not able to fulfill the expectations that you have; because they cannot reciprocate their feelings on the level you need them to; or display the attributes you wish upon them, that they don't really have.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2020):
 I wouldn't take it so personally.
The real question is the first one :" Why does this bother me ?", although it's quite conceivable, from what you say about your upbringing and early life, that the acknowledgement you yearn from your family is not just an acknowledgement of your talent or artistic bend, but much more. A different kind of acknowledgement , of which your acknowledgement as an artist is just a symbol . What you want is the acknowledgement as an unique individual, who has the right to be loved, cherished and appreciated as she is, no matter what. People can, growing up, distance themselves from awful, toxic parents or siblings, - they can decide to fight them, to ignore them, to hate them- or, au contraire , to forgive them and have civil, if not warm, relationships as between mature , responsible adults- but , lo and behold, it does not take Freud or C.G.Jung to find out that nobody really wants the black sheep, and everybody deep down would want to be daddy's little princess, or mommy's golden child, °unconditionally° ;everybody would want to be tought of as the fairest of them all by their parents, ... and not obtaining this is hard for some people, harder than for others, it's a wound that one learns to live with but
was never totally healed.... Although, we can't be suckled at 50 with the breast milk we did not get as babies,... yet we must find other forms of healthy nourishment to feed us and comfort us... but that would be a long discussion... so, just throwing around a little food for thought, maybe.
As for the second question, again, I would not take it so personally, although perhaps for you it's inevitable .
There are many answers, and all simple. Because they don't like art. They don't "feel "it, they don't "get " it. They don't value it. Because art does not interest them. Because they don't give to art the same importance and meaning that you do- same as you do not give the same important and meaning to making money- which is a very important thing and can be a creative endeavour as well ! There are a lot of people who just are not curious about art , are not moved by art , their eyes glaze over in front of anything even remotely artsy. And... you know what ? This is fine. Absolutely fine.( Said by a definitely " artsy " person like myself ). We are not all the same, we do not love and respect the same things in the same way, - we do not think of the same things as accomplishments.
A silly example, but fitting , I hope. I don't " do " sports , I just dance to keep reasonably fit and active.
TBH, to me time spent in a gym is wasted time that could be used doing so many things more fun and more interesting. Hey , now don't hit me ,sporty DearCupiders. I do not judge YOUR tastes or curtail your freedom to exercise as much as you want. I am just telling you about MY tastes.
Now , my favourite cousin , instead, is very much into sports: at 48 she has run ( pre-Covid ) all the big marathons , two years ago at the New York one she did an incredible time , worthy of a Kenyan runner. She also plays other sports, and unluckily just those which I find most inane, stupid and boring ( I won't mention which ones, in order to not get any DC "haters ", LOL ). Well, this cousin of mine- she is very proud of her athletic feats , she is not averse to brag a little when she wins something, and she is anyway very interested in sports and likely to buttonhole you on the subject if you ever give her the chance. Which, I don't.
I love this cousin to bits and we get along just fine, but , I can't bring myself to recognize her as an athlete, compliment her for her successes, or even just ask her when the next competition is. Not only it bores me to death, but , TBH, I think she is nuts to "steal" from her family so much time for her training, to keep cut super short her beautiful, thick, blond mane
" because it's easier for the sports " , to spend the amount of the travel money she spend for joining competitions all over Europe ( and sometimes USA ) ...without then having the time for a nice , long, culturally in-depth visit . In short, I like the woman, and if she is happy I am happy,of course - but that I have to enthuse about her doing things which I don't like, understand or respect- it just does not come natural to me , and I skip it.
It may be the same thing in your family. Since you have sort of a troubled history with them, I guess you suspect them of intentional malice, or of wanting to undermine you or something like that, but , IMO, very possibly this is not the case at all. It's just that art ( and loving art, and making art ) is a gift... but not everybody cares about the same gifts. Try to gift ME a tracking suit- and you'll see what happens !
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 November 2020):
 I think you need to figure out the answer to your own question "Why does this then bother me?" and you will have your answer.
Only you can really KNOW why their acknowledgement and approval is so important to you.
You can't CHANGE your family, and you CAN'T MAKE them give a single shit about things that are important TO you. As it might not be important AT ALL to them. And they may not "understand" your art at all. Art IS subjective. So is yours. Art doesn't have to be PRETTY to be enjoyed. It has to capture the "audience's attention".
There are plenty of famous artists that I am not a fan off. Not because their art isn't pretty, I just don't really care for it. I'm sure you are the same. And so is your family.
Let me give you an example. Edvard Munch's The Scream. I really don't like the picture. While it evokes a sense of foreboding and anxiety it's really not something "enjoyable" to watch. The color-scheme is meeh, the details are meeh and the subject kind of unpleasant. (THOSE are my personal opinions) It still is a powerful evocative painting! It has inspired SO many other artists, budding artist and viewers. So because it's not pretty, not one of my faves does it mean it's "bad art"? No! It just means that ART is absolutely subjective. Maybe I am not clever enough to enjoy it! Then take his painting The Sun, and I LOVE everything about it! Again, subjective.
Though IT would be lovely to have to support from family in your endeavors, I find it a little odd that you thought they would be supportive in this, when they haven't been with anything else. And yes, I DO think if you were tp become a famous artist they would perhaps start to suck up, hoping your fame would rub off on them somehow. Because that is how some people are!
I have several artist in my family, from painters, 1 potter, professional musicians, composer and opera singer. They aren't really treated any differently than the rest of the "clan". Though they ARE supported when having a showing or important concert/ performance. Plus EVERYONE in the family own some of their art, in the various forms.
Don't take it personal. I know that is hard but try not to. You DO NOT need their approval or acknowledgement to make art that SPEAKS to you. That expresses YOUR thoughts and feelings.
Shake it off.
Enjoy the process of creating. Enjoy your ART.
Screw people who can't be happy for you.
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