A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles. Would appreciate some advice here with my situation. I am currently in an LDR. My boyfriend lives in Peru, South America. For the last few weeks we have been having good discussions about our relationship and our future together. I have been trying to manage some relationship anxiety due to the distance between us. He was here in my country two summers ago visiting relatives who were neighbors and we hit it off. We spent that entire summer together. I was hoping it was more than a summer fling. It turned out to be more. We have kept in touch faithfully. He has since visited me again but with the pandemic he has stayed put back home.My concern is focused on not being together physically and being sexual. Knowing how important it is to keep the spark alive in long distance, I am often sexting, sending sexy and nude pics, and videos of me. Yesterday we did mutual masturbation on Snapchat. He and I had a talk about how important it was to keep the spark alive by sexting and video chatting, and by doing all the things we do. He seemed very into it yesterday. Yet today when we had our morning chat, he seemed to do a total turnaround. He told me it is too much to be sexting all the time. He does not want to always talk about our relationship and our love for each other and he does not want to be HARD all the time either. I know that we always had a very good sex life. He was into the masturbation yesterday. But today he seemed to tell me that it is too much and that we need to find other interests. To come together and talk about our day and we need to have more intellectual conversations. I do feel absolutely rejected now. And I am left feeling unwanted. I know it might sound whiny but it is tough with him being there and me being here. I don't know what he is doing there. I have relationship anxiety right now because I sensed a shift. And he denies it. And I am not sure how to handle this moving forward. I find LDR to be the most challenging relationship of all. I do not know if I am equipped to handle this for the long haul. Does anyone have experience in LDR's? Have you ever felt your boyfriend seemed less interested some days? Was that your insecurity or was your boyfriend not as invested as you? He seemed into the sex yesterday and today he turns around and says it can't be all we do or talk about. But he sure was enjoying it when we did it. And today it seems he wants no part of it. And he was very short in his responses to me when we spoke. He said he had nothing new to say. But our conversations were always fine, up til today. Is there anything wrong with trying to keep your sexual spark going in LDRs? That is what I am trying to do. I am hoping I can prevent him from seeking out a partner closer to home. It is important to stay sexually connected, do you agree or not agree? Am I trying too hard? I thought that when you are away from a person, you need to make more of an effort. That is what I am doing. He is now saying that I need to find moderation and that he does not want to talk about sex all the time. Are these valid concerns or is he losing interest and has someone at home for sex? Why has he been all in sexually and today he is short in his responses and is telling me to back off sexually? Am I reading this right?
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long distance, sex life, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2020): Your obsession with sex and your inability to provide sensible, interesting conversation and listen will destroy this. And any other relationship you have, unless you change.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): Your LDR boyfriend has told you how he feels about it. What have we to say about it? If he's the recipient, doesn't his feelings and opinions matter to you?
As for love and sex, there really is no substitute for the real-thing; and you don't have remote-control over your boyfriend's feelings and needs. I think he has clearly and fairly conveyed what he expects and needs from you. He seems totally capable of speaking for himself.
This has nothing to do with the opinions of DC, this is between you and your LDR boyfriend. He probably thinks you're shallow or unstable. Don't force things on him he doesn't want from you; or his option is to just ghost you altogether.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2020):
 You are certainly trying too hard. You may be a good sex partner but you are not being a good listener. He told you, fair and square : you are trying too hard, doing too much. As a matter of fact, what does it matter even if Dear Cupid or your friends or whoever thinks you are doing the right thing for keeping the spark alive ? It's not right °for him°, apparently you risk extinguishing the spark rather than keeping it alive. He told you : he does not want to talk about sex all the time, he does not want to be titillated and then have to masturbate all the time,he does not want only to talk about your relationship and your love - who can blame him. That must be so boring. I mean, there may be moments when talking about your relationship and mutual desire is appropriate ,even necessary -but all the time ?? Yawn. No wonder the poor guy craves some normal, mundane conversation about everyday stuff, and /
or some deeper, more intellectual conversation.
If he were here, would you too be in bed together 24/7, or would you also do / talk about non-sexual stuff ?. Act " normal " then. Morphing into a 24 / 7 sex -crazed cybervixen , only because he is far away, is, as you have seen, ...off putting.
Now, you say you have sensed a shift , and I never discount female intuition ( although, in your case, who knows if this is your intuition talking... or just your out of control anxiety ). We can't exclude , alas, that after all this time apart he got, let's say distracted by someone closer and more available. Maybe just at the level of thought, maybe turning the thought into action, who knows. BUT , even if : your method is clearly unsuccessful, and no wonder . If someone is inappetent and off his dinner ,- it's not by suffocating him with piles of food which you try shoving down his throat day in day out , which you will make him hungry ! The most cherished and seeked after things are those that are NOT over-abundant and easily reachable , or , even less, forced upon us.
You do need to back off. Good sex is not about being a Kamasutra expert in bed , is about being attuned to your partner's needs and moods. Tryng to give him sexually more than he wants and needs , just to quell your anxiety and insecurity, is not a loving act, it is a selfish thing to do. And , even in the lamentable case that this cooling down is actual and real, and due to some local distraction- as you have seen, surely the way to rekindle his sexual interest is not to try and overdose him with something he got a bit tired of in the first place !
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