A
female
age
51-59,
*la33
writes:I was recently talking to my husband about our joint life insurance which we took out over 4 years ago. we are over 5O and wanted to leave something for our 3 grown up children and if one of us dies before the other to have something to live on. we took out a policy for 25 years and my husband pays £25 a month into this. The payout is £1OOO.He told me that a couple of years ago he was going to change the life insurance so if he dies I would get just £1 but the children would get all the rest. He said he would wonder what my look would be when I realise I would only get £1. He said at the time I had really been going on at him and he was angry. he said now that he wouldn't of done it but it crossed his mind for a few seconds. he also said that I would only give the children £25 each and keep the rest. I could not believe what he had said and I was upset that he would even think of doing such a thing and to leave me with nothing and to think I would take all the money and not give our children any. he then turns around and says he was joking and he knows I would give them money. whenever we see our children I am the one who always says to buy them a little gift never him, Im not selfish or mean but anyone would think I was if they heard him. I told him to change the life insurance then so it shows where the money as to go and how much each, so each of us would get £25OOO each and then he will be certain the children get there money. he said it would be up to me what I do with it. I am really upset to think he would leave me with nothing at all and he says he loves me but how can someone do that to there other half when I have no family or friends to fall back on and support me and I only have myself and the children if he passes away. Im crying writing this and I want to know if you think I should take out a separate life insurance for myself and leave it all to the kids so he gets nothing just like he was going to do with me and do I get my name taken off the life insurance we have now so he can shove it and tell him I want nothing from him whatsoever. I don't work and have no savings so I will have nothing to live on but I don't want to feel I have to be nice to him incase he changes his mind again and might change the life insurance so I only get £1.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2020):
 I think you take things a little too literally !
I can't swear it, of course..but I would say that your husband was just joking. Just bantering. Just trying to get under your skin ( and he succeeded beautifully ! ) Sure this is not the best , wittiest brand of humour I have ever seen- but after 28 years together- it's not even the meanest ,most inappropriate. Some couples are like that , a bit bickerish. And from this post, and your previous ones too, I did not get the feeling that you two are particularly lovey - dovey to each other .
Then again, when he said " after I am gone you will be partying and dancing " - you shot back " I won't be partying a lot with just 25000 ", right ? ( very witty, good for you ! ) I mean, excellent retort- but snippy, wasn't it ? Apparently, he has not got the monopoly on barbed comments....
As for the amount and distribution of the insurance, obviously that's your money and you can, and will , do with it whatever you prefer , no matter what DC says and anybody says. Still, reality is reality, and to keep it real I feel compelled to say that, even if I understand and share the sentiment of wanting to leave something to your offspring,- you may literally not be in position to do it. It may not be a wise, nor realistic , choice. If you have no savings, no house, no survivor's pension- that insurance is all you can count to live on until you manage to get a job , or get new marketable skills, or start a little business, ... in short until you come up with some scheme or plan to supplement your income.
If you start distributing it to your children, ... they won't enjoy it for long time, chances are that pretty soon they will have to give you back that money, or spending on you and for you anyway !, if they want to keep you alive and well !
P.S. Your husband is still alive and you are only 50 ! Plenty of time to go back to school and / or to learn a trade.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): After all we've said here, and you're still upset with your husband; then there isn't much left to advise you.
These are your options. Hopes he's just joking, or get over it.
"Aggressive humor?!!" I don't think that's gender specific. I think people in-general these days take cheap shots at each-other; and mean-spirited commentary is exchanged equally by both genders. There's a name for everything; but sexist behavior isn't exclusive to men putting women down!
Your husband hurt your feelings; but that isn't really enough money for anyone to survive on. Let's hope you both raised your children in a way they'd love and care for you as you age, and you shouldn't have to worry. In any case, God will provide.
If you live by faith and believe in God, remember what He tells us:
[Matthew 6:25-27] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”
Your hubby can't take back what he has said; but you don't have to allow it worry you. I hope you both live long and prosperous lives. If he should pass first, may the good Lord keep and care for you, my dear! God never breaks His promises. If you don't believe in God, maybe this advice will help someone who does. It certainly has helped me!
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A
female
reader, ela33 +, writes (11 November 2020):
ela33 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is ela33. The only reason I was talking about life insurance to my husband was because we have 3 grown up children and we are renting privately, so no home of our own and no savings whatsoever so they will at least have a little life insurance money if nothing else. they all work but it is nice to say that you can leave them something even thou £25.OOO each is not much nowadays and it is there for a bit of piece of mind if one of us goes first. Im not being morbid thinking when one of us goes but these things have to be discussed and after his prostrate being taken out the worry is at the back of my mind that I will be alone and no one there for me to rely on. mind you I could go before him who knows.
He does say when hes gone I will be partying and dancing on his grave which I always answer with, £25.OOO wont go far and that I wouldn't be doing that. I think he sees me running off into the sunset and being set for life which is totally wrong.
I should be independent I so agree with that and should never have relied upon him for anything. I stayed at home and looked after our kids but now I realise maybe I should of worked and let someone else look after them so I could of still earned but I didn't have kids to let someone else do that. I wanted to be there for them not a stranger.
he says husbands should look after there families and what if I could not work and I had to rely upon him but its no excuse, I should of been independent years ago.
Im still upset about him saying he would only leave me £1 and he thinks I have taken it all of proportion. I have been his wife for 24 years together 28 and still here after his prostrate taken out and to think even if it was a joke on his behalf that he would consider doing that to me.
what would anyone else think if there partner said that to them, laugh at it or get upset like me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): BTW, you can take-out a life policy on your husband. Then if he does passed-away unexpectedly, or leaves you nothing; you can cash-in your own policy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Maybe I'm missing something here, but you seem to be more concerned about your husband postmortem; than while he's living and breathing above ground.
It's not a new thing for husbands to make the morbid threat/joke of leaving their wives penniless when they kick the bucket; and it's mainly to get a rise out of you. He has succeeded. Then you seem to have even less faith in your own children; as to believe they wouldn't take care of their widowed mother.
The truth is, you should hope to have a long and prosperous life, while you're both alive; and deal with matters of inheritance when that time comes.
If he is a heartless-cad who would not provide for his wife when he passes on; he would probably be a nasty S.O.B. to her in the world of the living. A good-man wouldn't think of leaving his wife impoverished or struggling, if he has the financial means to do otherwise. It's how he treats you now that matters the most. You'll survive one-way or another. Make sure you yourself are preparing for retirement and stashing a little nest egg for yourself.
There is nothing we can say about your husband's comments or plans; except he is trying to goat and annoy you. If he is a jokester, you shouldn't take him seriously. If he's known to be cruel, and has been a mean-man throughout your marriage; then don't count on him to be any nicer when he has gone-on to become worm food. Lest he repents for his sins and begs forgiveness on his death-bed. That's when and where people want to make sure they've done right by others. Before that final-breath. If he would leave behind an act of cruelty before drawing his last breath; rest assured heaven isn't going to be his final-destination. Where you end-up afterlife is eternal...heaven or hell! If you're still alive when he passes-away; whatever he has left you or the kids is only temporary. It can rot, rust, be used-up, or burn in a fire. Hopefully, he will leave you love, fond memories, and those precious things you can keep in your hearts forever.
Clear your mind of worry. Assess your marriage for what it is worth. Is he a good-man or not? Has he been a bad husband all these years, while you chose to hold-on to him regardless of the fact? Then if he decides to leave all the proceeds of his life insurance to his kids; don't be surprised he is true to character to the end. Most married-people write their wills together; so they'll minimize any confusion, fights, or misunderstandings upon their death. Maybe you can urge him to do that.
People spend far too much time worrying about tomorrow, next year, and the future. We have no idea what the future holds; so live in the present. You don't know which of you will go first. What are you leaving him, should it be you? Well, he ain't dead yet!
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
I think he knows how much what he says will upset you. I think you should resign yourself to the fact the law is on your side as far as all his assets are yours; and even a will is contestable, if he decides not to provide for you as his wife when he parts this world. You have all the more reason to hope he lives for a very long time; so you won't know whether he's kidding or not.
I hope yours is a good and loving marriage; so you will have more faith in your husband. If it isn't, you can divorce him; and get all that's coming to you now. In any case, he has the right to leave his kids whatever he wants!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Hello, I am the husband involved. Please put my side of the story.I said all of the above as a joke, what’s wrong with being lighthearted after 28 years together.Many a time we joke about winning the lottery and keeping the money to ourselves, something we would NEVER do. I have also said as a joke many a time to my wife thy she would gladly see me dead and get the money and be happy.The point I want to make is that I would NEVER, EVER do that, I would make sure my wife was provided for if I did die. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer 4 years ago so it is at the back of my mind that I could have it come back and be dead within months.My wife thinks I am controlling her but I can’t see where. I don’t make her dress a certain way, do what I say, not go out or anything like that at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Your husband's behaviour is an example of what's called "aggressive humour". You can google this term and will find out more about it than I can say here.It's often used by men to put women down.We don't know much about the 'bigger picture' in your life except that you don't work and you don't have savings or a life insurance policy of your own. We also know that your husband's aggressive humour has really gotten to you, affecting you very deeply and made you feel defenceless and confused.How did you come to be in a situation where you don't work, have no savings and no life insurance? When did this situation of dependency on your husband start and why did it begin and continue in this way? I ask because it seems that you have no sense of independence and agency, for yourself, and so are at his mercy. When he makes "jokes" about financial things, he knows it goes far deeper than this and keeps you feeling powerless. Is there a pattern of him always being like this? You may want to think about ways to gain even a small feeling of independence from him, even if you can't gain financial independence. Things like taking regular exercise just for yourself, doing voluntary work (including online) can give a huge sense of independence. Taking care of yourself and your appearance because YOU want to, not to try to impress him. Getting out of the home for whatever reason, with some sort of task - visiting someone, exploring a country walk nearby, walking your own dog or a friend's dog - will all start to give you a sense of purpose.But as well as this, I would honestly suggest raising your awareness of your legal and financial rights, without telling him what you are doing. If he owns your home then you have legal rights over this as his wife. If you stopped work to raise his kids, you have legal rights because you basically channelled your working life into working to raise kids and a home, instead of doing a job for an employer. Importantly, look up "coercive control". This may well be what your husband is doing. Has he ever threatened violence or made you feel like he could be violent if you did not do what he was saying? There is a law against controlling and manipulating people by making them feel afraid of the consequences, even if he doesn't hit you. Most importantly, you need to keep a record of what he does on a daily basis that keeps you dependent on him and unable to be independent. Generally speaking, my advice is to do more research, including online, about your financial and legal rights in the situation you are in with him and, at the same time, start to take even small steps towards independence - making friends and ensuring you have a good emotional support network is always a good idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): Hipart of me feels sad for you and part of me finds a little strange humour in it all, because I just can't work out why a spouse would talk about leaving only one pound for his life long partner and mother to his children, but then why a spouse would be talking about what she will receive after his demise, which I would guess is in the hands of God. Have you wondered if he is just pig sick of his wife making financial plans about his death, so is playing you with the pound story.Is it possible for you to find financial independence and not worry about the future or live your life talking about death and money?Your children do they not have the ability to earn a good living for themselves and you say you don't work.Too much focus on death and money instead of the investment of living now and been happy. The future is never always stable and security can crumble, life changes direction and it's safe to be present NOW and live love and laugh more. I have lost family inheritances, even when written in stone in a will, stuff like this taints what is important 'the person'One thing in particular that strikes me the most is your final words ' I don't want to feel I have to be nice to him incase he changes his mind again and might change the life insurance so I only get £1.Why would you not want to be nice to your husband naturally, and fear him changing it? Funny how when we read the words they sometimes have two meanings.
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