A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months over 2 months ago. He was never going to be the one for me and I knew this at the time. I relly liked spending time with him though and we got pretty close. Im having a hard time dealing with being apart from him though.When I see and text him im completely ok about everything. I know we cant and shouldnt be together and I realise hes not the one for me. However our contact is random (his choice not mine) and when I dont hear anything from him for a while my head (or is it heart?) completely changes things. I feel like ive lost the love of my life and cant think about anything other than him.I get so upset im always crying.But when i see him again I realise Im being silly. Its becoming a ridiculous cycle but no matter how much I distract myself or tell myself not to be silly it DOESNT HELP!! The only way I can see to get over him is to have regular contact so that im always ok with things - but he's often distant for weeks at a time.I dont want to be a stalker so what can I do? And why wont my heart listen to my head!!!
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female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 How long did you try the no communication thing for? I gather by the fact you've only broken up for two months and the contact is pretty few and far between when you are talking, that it couldn't have been for an exceptionally long period of time.
You have to stick with it. It will be hardest at first, it'll get easier and then suddenly there will be moments when you're hit with how difficult it is again out of nowhere. But eventually you will get there.
I think you should force yourself to focus on other men. Not to jump into a new relationship, but to remind yourself what's out there instead of focusing all your attention on him. He still occupies that place in your mind even though he doesn't deserve to, so if you can find a guy that you perve on, or that you admire for qualities your boyfriend lacked, focus on that.
Block off all avenues that might force you to think of your boyfriend (facebook, myspace).
To paraphrase a quote I find very helpful, if we knew what lay ahead of us we wouldn't cling so tightly to what we have now.
You know this guy isn't right, instead of pining over him, use the very powerful lesson you have learnt about what IS right for you to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Thanks for all your advice - it really does help! Ive tried the no contact thing, explained that I didnt want to hear from him for a while but it just made things worse and i was literally counting the days! Thats what i mean...the longer i go without him the worse and worse I feel and it makes no sense. I should feel better but maybe its because no matter how hard i try im secretly hoping to hear from him all the time. Ive tried keeping busy but i cant do that 24hrs a day. And as far as finding another man is concerned, well I dont even notice them let alone fancy them! And unfortunately i didnt keep a diary because thats a great idea.Yes communication is platonic, just small talk really. But even just that seems to calm me. Its like im a different person afterwards. The stress just evaporates. Weird.
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (4 August 2009):
I think the regular contact is what is keeping you hanging on. Even though you realise he is not the one when you see and hear from him - the contact reaffirms his interest in you and that interest seems to become necessary to your sense of self worth.I think you need to seize control of the situation. Instead of communicating randomly when he desires to (also - is the communication platonic?) I think you should end it entirely. For now.If you kept a diary while you were with him I really recommend going back and reading it. Being reminded of exactly how you felt when this or that happened and what the relationship was REALLY like rather than how your memory has blurred it can be amazingly helpful in moving on.
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A
female
reader, Jewlz +, writes (4 August 2009):
Unfortunately it usually takes time to go from being in a relationship with someone to just being friends. As difficult as it is, and as much as you don't want to, I think it would be best for you to avoid all contact for several months until you feel you can be friends with this guy and nothing more. It sounds to me as though you are infatuated with this person, rather than being in love, and some time apart should help you get past your feelings and move on with your life. Even though you feel that speaking to him makes you feel better, really you are just prolonging the agony of the break-up by speaking to him every few weeks or so. It would be best to let him go, don't answer his texts or calls, and try to do something for yourself to take your mind off things. It will get easier to do with time. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (4 August 2009):
Its easy to tell yourself something, but so much harder to act on it when your heart and emotions are involved. It will take time but you just have to deal with it one day at a time. Get out, meet others, have fun. You never know what's around the corner. I wish you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): You were in, what seems to be, a rather serious relationship with this guy. Which is naturally going to make it hard to give him up. My advice is to find someone else to entertain your thoughts. This is just a time process. You can't expect to heal fast. I'm going to assume that the reason you get so down about losing him is because you get lonely. I did the same thing after breaking up with my ex and ended up getting back with him, which was a HUGE mistake because i knew he wasn't for me. You've just got to stay strong and reason through these things. and try to keep busy!!
good luck!
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