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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have a problem with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. They split up 2 years ago, and he and I have been dating for 2 years (and living together). The problem is that it really bothers me that she is still in the picture (after she dumped him 2 years ago). By this I mean that she still calls his mother, still goes to his sister's house to hang out with her kids, and even came (was invited) to several family gatherings!! It makes me really uncomfortable to see her there even though I know that my boyfriend has no feelings for her at all (so he says). I know that he is with me because he loves me and not with her because they didn't work out...but it drives me mad that she is there and I even get jealous. She is close with his family and I am not. I have tried getting to know his family better in hopes it would make me feel like I was more a part of the family, but whenever I am there, her name is always brought up.. like for example, his little sister says in front of everyone "I liked Erin (the ex) much better". Things like that make me mad and I end up crying and looking so foolish. My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage, and I just don't want to have her in my life forever because I know that she is friends with his family. I don't want to feel jealous like this, and I want to get over it...better yet, I want her to go away!! I do not need a constant reminder of my boyfriend's first real girlfriend and someone he had sex with around all the time.My boyfriend refuses to do anything about it and when he offered to write her an email telling her that it made us uncomfortable, I found out later, through him, that he never actually did! He just said he would so I would stop whining about it. I can't approach his parents because this would make me seem childish. Someone please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): im so sorry about your situation, i know exactly how you will feel, jealous and insecure...etc,My bf and i just got married and im 7 years younger than him. We still live with his parents and sister. He loves me very much,and we are the sweetest and happiest couple i know. but this is where the jealousy begins. Guess who his sisters best friend is? His ex.gf, the girl who he went to school since they were kids, the girl who lives just four houses away from ours, the girl whos parents are so much friends and known forever by his parents,the girl who was my husbands prom date,the girl who dated with my husband after he finished school,(they were going to have sex, but at the last minute he came up with an excuse and didnt do it-says him), the girl who became his sisters best friend and maid of honor,the girl who is his sisters sons godmother and my husband is the godfather.There is no escape for me, As i am from a foriegn country, now im living with my husband, i dont have any friends or family except his, my husband doesnt like her because she dumped him saying she is not ready for a relationship.and he doesnt talk to her as far as i know, but his sister non stop talks about his ex.first his family kept secret from me that she was his ex, but my husband told me about their affair after we got married. She visits our house and his sister likes her so much. its depressing and i get jealous. My husband also says she would be so jealous because she is a loser now and we are living so happily. When i told him that it makes me sad , he said he has nothing to do with her, its his sisters best friend and there is nothing he can do about it, which is true. I myself has a brother and i was kind of best friends with his girlfriend, but after they broke up, we peacefully stopped it for my brother. Its because i respect his new g.f and doesnt want her to feel jealous about it. I think its a bit selfish thing what his sister did without thinking and im sure his sister knows what she has done now, and she still doesnt think its the wrong thing... I hope know one would make a stupid mistake like his sister ,because your sis in law might not show from outside how she feels...but remember we are still women.
A
female
reader, kkms  +, writes (24 November 2008):
I'VE FOUND THE ANSWER!
I know it's been a while since the initial post, but i'd like to contribute, for those who are still suffering.
The answer is ACTION, ladies.
I just got over a situation like this. Boyfriend was with a girl for 6 years. We've been together for 2 years and are living together.
His ex still calls his parents and visits his sisters to this very day. Up until two months ago, he still had a photo album full of her.
We had many arguements and i cried many times, until i said, "Ok, how would you feel if i still had photos of my ex? How would you feel if my ex (of 3 years) still called my mum and he still messaged me?" Obviously he didn't like it one bit and got angry OVER THE MERE THOUGHT OF IT, he didn't want that happening.
I told him that if he didn't get rid of the photos and stopped messaging her, i would leave and did not want to talk to him or see him ever again, because it hurt me over and over again and he had shown me that he did not care, he was going to lose a perfect and working relationship over a broken one- he was reluctant to do anything about it.
Immediately he went and ripped up all of the photos in front of me, threw them out and told his parents and his sister to stop talking about her, he didn't need to know where she was or what she was doing. He finally said sorry continuously, and held me and kissed me while i cried all of my anger out.
This is how i knew that he loves me, truely.
SO girls, the answer is ACTION. If you do not tell them that it hurts so much that you will leave if it doesn't stop, then it won't stop - unless they don't care or love you.
The next step - THE FAMILY. Get close to them, talk to his dad about politics and world news, exchange recipes and spend gardening time with his mum and get gossipy with his sisters! It's the only way.
SHOW THEM that you're more intelligent, more beautiful and friendlier! SHOW THEM that you and their son are a perfect match.
SHOW THEM THE REASON WHY HE'S WITH YOU!
IF YOU DO NOT TREAT THEM LIKE YOUR OWN FAMILY, THEY WON'T TREAT YOU THE SAME WAY.
Not only is this good for his family, but it's great for him too - he'll finally realise how much better you are than the ex, why he fell in love with you and why he wants to marry you!
My boyfriend's ex was a bitch to his mates and she wasn't friendly to certain family members.
When he saw how open i was with all of them and how friendly and comfortable i was, it's like he fell in love with me all over again!
He told me how it was with his ex and he saw how happy i made his family... This was a very MAJOR ego boost for the both of us!
I honestly couldn't tell at first if his parents liked me or not. We'd all make conversation, but it was mutual... then one day, about 6 months after we met, they became caring and loving... i don't know what my boyfriend said to them!
I recently had an incident in hospital where i suffered a miscarriage. No one knew except us. When his mother called and my bf told her why i was in hospital, SHE WAS SO HAPPY to hear that we are planning for children!
AND she offered to fly (the parents live in a different state) over to take care of me for however long i needed (she also works full time)- this is how i knew that i've been accepted and am more important than the ex.
READ THE SIGNS AND LEARN FROM THEM!
DO NOT REBEL AND LET ANGER / JEALOUSY GET THE BETTER OF YOU!
REACT THE OPPOSITE THAN THEY'D EXPECT OF YOU!
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THE EX... SO SHOW IT!
Hope this helps! Good luck and don't forget to STAND YOUR GROUND!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I understand, if there are kids involved then fine the woman is always going to be around. fine. But for His Family to disregard his and your feelings, and for this Woman to be insensitive to your wishes as well, shows that they all want their cake and eat it too. I think it is VERY Selfish! there are plenty of people to be friends with. Loosing the happiness of the family of your loved one is what I am in the middle of right now, because his mother and the ex want to go drinking together with his sister...I am dumbfounded by the things they discuss about the He and I, it's absurd!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I understand, if there are kids involved then fine the woman is always going to be around. fine. But for His Family to disregard his and your feelings, and for this Woman to be insensitive to your wishes as well, shows that they all want their cake and eat it too. I think it is VERY Selfish! there are plenty of people to be friends with. Loosing the happiness of the family of your loved one is what I am in the middle of right now, because his mother and the ex want to go drinking together with his sister...I am dumbfounded by the things they discuss about the He and I, it's absurd!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Ok so I'm on the other side. I am the ex. Did you ever think that just maybe your bf does love only you and whatever he has now with his ex is purely platonic. My ex and I dated for 5yrs. Before we dated we were best friends. whether its 5 yrs or 2 yrs to build such a bond with someone and just call it quits with fear and dislike is asking a lot from a lot of ppl dont you think? My ex hurt me very very very badly. We broke up 2 yrs ago and only this Jan have we been able to talk and hang out as simply as friends. During the 5yrs I dated him I became part of his family... not only his immediate family but his extended family and even the families of his in-laws. I have never shown up uninvited to anything. And if its the one thing that keeps me around is that. My ex. his sister wrote me and told me "no matter what happens between you and my brother dont let that affect your relationship with this family you are part of us." And you know the thing is that ex of mine is my first for everything and he is my first love in so many ways. His family became my family. They love me and I love them just as much. I agree I still love him very much I pray all the time that one day we will get back together. But at the same time I know he has a gf and her feelings are just as valuable as mine and I respect her. I know she probably feels the same about me but at the same I always fall back on Im not hindering your life, I do have my own. your bf (my ex) is now simply a platonic friend. My own life includes his family. I'm just saying maybe she does realize your there and respects you.. How do you know her own family situation is perfect. What if she having issues with her family. never really has had one and thus his family really is hers as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Leave him.
You can do much better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Hi. I really do sympathise with you as I am in a similar situation, and like you, I do not know the answer. My boyfriend (soon to be husband) is still friends with his ex although he doesnt contact her at all. She has texted him in the past and hug/kisses him when she sees him. She still thinks she is part of the family; she rings his mum, visits his gran, she turned up to his Dad's funeral wake and a friend's wedding (uninvited) and sat with us and his family! My boyfriend has put her on the guest list for our wedding (just because we are inviting her sister and her boyfriend who live near us. I dont want to make a big issue about it but I really do not want her there. She would probably just turn up even if we dont send her an invite. I know she will spoil the evening as she will sit with his family all evening. At a recent party, she turned up (again uninvited) and his family made a really big fuss of her - they dont do that with me ever so I feel really upset and rejected by them. I wish I could sort this out - I know my boyfriend will not go back with her, we are very happy and have a son together, but she is like a nagging pain and wont go away. She is still single - if she finds her own 'life' she might go away. I hope you find a way through your problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): Ahhh the ex..
I have one too apparently she and my b/friend talk "a lot " as he said - I questioned him and he got offended ???
Well I don't need to be on this site for the answer to that one.
It is a recipe for disaster - I am not saying to hate your ex I am saying get over them; move on and my favourite relationship word
RESPECT your current mate
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I feel so bad for you. talking from experience. On your first date you should know for sure if the Guy is the one. Personally, i dated this guy for some time. We are not together any more but i know for sure that although hes with another girl right now, when i get back on truck, he'll be mine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007): I wish i knew how to help you as it might then help me. I am in the same situation, my man has known his ex since they were younger, their parents live next door to each other to this day. He went out with his ex for a couple of years then they splict up, he got with someone else and they had a baby together, during this time he never contacted his ex until he split with is daughters mum. after that he went to stay at his dads and got back with his ex as he "felt guilty" for they way that he had treated her previously. After three years of her holding him to ransom over everything and trying to change everything about him she ran off with someone who had a better job and had more money. A year after this he met me, we didn't have a proper "courtship" start to our relationship as i am divorced and have three children (teenagers, i asked him to spend time with him but he would rather go out and be with his friends, but either way we tried to work through it as best we could, until i found out that he is in contact with her almost daily on the text or phone calls at all different times of the day and night. He told me that she wants him back, she asked him if she could go out on a weekend with him and his daughter instead of me. He denied at first that he was in contact with her,now he owns up to it, i mention to him that she wants him back and is trying to cause trouble, he said she might have wanted him back at first but she might not now and she wouldn't be able to live with him anyway, like that is supposed to make me feel better. what i don't understand is if there was no contact whilst he was with his daughters mum why is there contact now he is with me ? He says it is due to the fact that they are and have been friends for years. He won't choose between the two of us, he said he wants to be with me, but he wants to be friends with her and i am not to make him choose. I feel that if she is a good friend and he told her of the problems that it is causing, then she should step aside and let him get on with his life and relationship. All this plus the fact that he is off work with depression, he spends every penny he has on himself and i always end up paying for his car tax etc. he won't do any jobs around the house and he always comes up with an excuse not to spend time with me.
Reading this the answer does stare you in the face, but it is difficult when he is going through so much, but i still feel he is wrong in regards to his ex.
good luck to all you fellow sufferers !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): I am in the same situation my boyfriend broke up with this girl almost four years ago. Then dated another girl briefly and now has been with me for three years. We live together and have for most of our relationship. Currently building a new house though and his parents invited us to move into their home (its huge) so we didn't have two house payments. I was leary because of past situations between the mother and I. But they took my boyfriend and I out one night and told us they were going to make every effort to get along and his mom was over the issues. So we moved in. I am still in college and making the payments would have been pretty tough. However, it is such and uncomfortable situation. His mother is in LOVE with his ex. She has actually told me I am just a rebound girl and she can see how much my boyfriend doesn't trust me. (there were some trust issues in the beginning because I was abused when I was younger and well just issues) She made me tell the whole family about my past and now uses it against me she told my b/f's ex that I was a stripper and now she is spreading it all over. I did strip twice and never recieved a pay check. She invites the girl over. One year when I was cooking thanksgiving dinner because his mom was too tired she had the ex over and they sat at the kitchen table looking at old pictures of the two of them together and talking about how cute they were. WHILE I AM STANDING THERE COOKING FOR HER FAMILY! The mother and the father both talk about her constantly, telling me they love her like a daughter. So I got her email address and sent her a very polite email just saying hey it's cool that you still want to come around but if that is going to happen then we need to form some sort of a friendship...not like "oh let's go shopping" but something friendly becuase it is such an uncomfortable situation. She sent my b/f's mother a page long email telling her I was psyco for trying to become friends with my boyfriend's ex girlfriend and that I was a horrible person basically. What about her maintaining this relationship with my b/fs parents. When she does come by the house all she askes is where my boyfriend is and tries to go down to the shop where he works (his mom even admits this!). She claims to care about the family so much but two of his little brothers where in bad accidents this summer and she never called, sent a card, or stopped by and I know she knew about it. She talks badly about my b/f and the rest of the family. SHe follows me around the local health club and my b/f around the grocery store. She even followed his little brother around fagen's. My b/f's parents think she is perfect and don't see anything wrong with her. I live in fear of coming home and finding her there she is so mean and rude to me. I am not a fighting person but it hurts that I feel like they are chosing her over me and their son even. He has told his mother that she is no better than anyone else and that he doesn't want her around but she doesn't seem to care. It's pushing us both away and I don't want that at all. I don't know what to do. I want this girl to respect some boundaries and be repectful to me. Or I want her to go away. I find his parents behavior rude and disrespectful. They actually made me go away from them one day when I went out with them so they could talk to her! I was at a football game and didn't know anyone! I felt so humiliated. God there is so much to say but this situation is getting to be more than a mere annoyance. It doesn't help that in four years she hasn't dated anyone else. I feel like she is sitting there in the wings just waiting. I guess I don't understand this at all because I have ex's that I was very good friends with their families and I don't try to hang around them I respect the fact that we had a good time and now have moved on some relationships have to sacraficed for the sake of sanity and fairness to all. my b/f's little brother and his girlfriend and totally with me on this they tell me she constantly is asking about my b/f and that she shouldn't still be around. UGH what do I do?
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reader, Violet_Angel +, writes (5 March 2006):
Sweet Girl. I am currently in a similar situation. As spiritual, loving, caring, & open as I am, I can not get past the fact that the man I love and want to spend my life with, continues, even after many confrontations, agreements, etc...to converse via telephone & internet with his ex g-friend on an almost daily basis. I have provided the ultimatum, of which he stated clearly, it means nothing as it is me he is with. Yet, this still continues and has since the day I met him. However, my man has yet to verbally tell me he loves me, and tells her almost daily. Yes, I snooped, deceit is wrong, but I saw it more as who is deceiving whom. I am now to the point of which I will speak directly to her, compassionately, as she is 1/2 our age, yet, she will know. I am watching carefully as her b-day is coming up on the 12th, and they have declared the 20th some "special" day. Many Blessings to you on this venture, as I feel no one deserves this. Isn't this mental abuse???? Love you...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2006): My current boyfriend was in a 10-year relationship. It ended about 2 years ago. We have been together for 4 months and on the 3rd date he was telling me he loved me. He is an extremely intelligent, genuine person and he keeps in touch with all his ex-girlfriends, especially this one. He talks highly of her to me and assures me he loves me and will not get back together with her (she couldn't deal with his work/lifestyle). The problem is that he will not tell her that he has met someone (me). He is not from this country so has few other friends here.. but no one knows about me. He says I need to stop doubting his love for me. He does give me a lot of attention - but he sees her regularly as well. I don't know if I'm being insecure or if I'm crazy to think that the fact that his ex (who he calls his "conscience") doesn't know about me is a problem. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2006): I feel for you for so many reasons...my boyfriend is doing the exact same thing! and he still talks to a "best friend" from college that I recently found out told him she is in love with him. I FINALLY said "that's it!" it's either "them" or "me/us"... you choose because I'm tired of being the bad guy all the time.." I was very calm (which usually I've been in tears feeling insecure because he is in the military and I have no idea who he emails. I felt like "that girl" that wasn't confident, when I've always been confident...well it scared him. He saw I was really serious and my calmness made him realize it really was "them or me"... at that very moment...believe it or not...the ex text him! I couldn't believe it..I said well.... it's now or never. You either tell her you've moved on and out of respect for the woman I now love...we can't have anymore contact. Best of luck to you"..and he hung up! I drilled him and said he'd probably call her later and say I was there..he actually gave me his cell for a few days. Of course the exes were calling...I said hello and would take a message" it was always different when they deal with "me the girlfriend" it's like they think or thought they had all this territorial right over him.. I hated it. Well it's been almost 2 months. None of those "exes" or that "best friend from college turned "I love you"" has called either. I really really think you have a valid concern and don't ever ever let him make you feel inadequate or less of a woman for FEELING that way. You should talk to him. and soon. Tell him to stay friends IF you all can get together and do things. If instead of emailing her "private" you sit down with him and email her "together"... because there should be NO secrets in a loving relationship. Tell him if she is having problems to call a therapist...not him. Best of luck to you! I really mean that. Just keep remembering you are not wrong or insecure!!! And if it continues and he continues -- to be blunt -- to actually put the ex before you then I'd seriously walk until or unless he realized YOU deserve ALL of him and YOU deserve to ALWAYS come first! Best of luck to you!
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reader, mystify +, writes (3 February 2006):
 hi, i undertstand what you are going through in a way, when i started seeing my ex his nefews alwasy said "i like you much better than susan" and so on, although it is the other way round, it is an unwelcome comparison!
you feel like you are always living up to her right?!
when a person becomes involved with someone they can let go but the people around them might not see why .
you trust him because you know him and love him, you dont know or love her so dont trust her?! maybe.
if you are talking about marriage make sure that you want whats best for each other first.
as for the ex the family its up to them your boyfriend can only guide them, if he is willing.
let him know how you feel
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (2 February 2006):
 You have said it yourself *it would make me seem childish*
Well there you have it. Grow up and get over it you will do what you dread and drive your man away if you acrry on with this dreadful paranoia.
OH MY GOD!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): I felt the pain coming back while reading about your situation. I used to be in exactly same one. Plus one of his exes lived in an apartment above his. The other one ( one he was in relationship with for 6 years) was his best friend, and they even kissed each other on the lips in my presence (a hi and goodbye kiss kind of). I was trying to convince myself that it is OK, and that maybe I myself am not enough open-minded not having my exes for my friends and not accepting his as friends. I felt so angry with myself that I couldn't eliminate the pain I felt, that our relationship became the most hurting situation I ever experienced. I was with him because he was telling me he loved me, but the pain I felt took it's reflection in the relationship, and finally we had enough. Goodbyes are hardly ever pleasent-but the RELIEF I felt, along with the feeling of great loss, was really cleansing to my soul. I still cannot recover after this relationship, and haven't been in any relationship since than (it was over 04/04/2004), but I think it is only a self esteem issue- as maybe it was from the beggining probably. I wish you luck if you decide to continue this relationship. But please rethink it. Is it really worth it? Is it really a case of beeing openminded, or of your background, or maybe just needs of your female nature? I sincerely reccomend you, and your bf to read: "Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women", by Anne Moir and David Jessel. It may help you, if not accept things- make your boyfriend understand you, and wiselike. I am with you with all my heart. Good luck!
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reader, exnightmare +, writes (21 January 2006):
I m in the same situation as the response posted here on December 13. We have been together for 5 months now. His ex for 3 years broke up with him because his parents does not approve of her. His mom even told her that she will never be good enough for my boyfriend. The ex left and broke things off. Now, a year later after the breakup, she decides she wanted to be close friends with my boyfriend. Then I came into the picture. My boyfriend at first lie to me and said they don't really talk anymore. But I gradually found out that is not true. I told him it hurts my feelings and that he needs to stop. But it didn't stop. We fought several times in regard to the situation. He did deleted all her contacts infront of me at first during Xmas day. But then I found out he still contacts her behind my back. Since we have a long distance relationship, it is much tougher for me. Though we both felt we are great for each other and would possibly have a future together, but his relationship is so important to him that he rather loose me than her. I know his mom does approve of me since she didn't say anything to me when I pick up the phone when she called my boyfriend's house. Now we broke up because I don't want his ex in our lives and he doesn't want to give her up. I felt having an ex as a close friend around is like putting candy in front of a fat kid. You can say I trust him and put up with it. But are you really willing to put your relationship with a foot in the hold? I won't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006): My boyfriend and I met when he was still with his ex. The night we met he told me had an 'ex-girlfriend' that still lived with him, but when he rung the next day he told me the truth - that they were together although she was moving back to England soon. He was really good and we didn't see each other although he rung me a lot and told me that things weren't going so great with her and he'd like to see me. Eventually she moved away and he and I got together. The thing is, they hadn't broken up when she moved away and he only did it a month after we had got together. Three months on he hasn't told her about me and he says it because he doesn't want to hurt her. She rings from England every second day and it hurts so much. I know she thinks they onyl broke up because of the distance and I feel bad for her, because she is so obviously still in love with him. I trust him very much and I don't think they have a future - I would just like him to tell her he has met someone else so that the two of them truly are friends and not 'just broken up'. I get upset from time to time about it and hopefully he tells her soon, but does anyone think I'm being unjustified by asking him to tell her he met someone else? She doesn't need the details but if there were some distance between the two of them, then at least I'd feel no barriers between us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2006): I am in a similar situation as well. Except my bf is best friends with his ex of 5 years and all the other girls he went out with, including the girl he dated before me for over a year. It has taken me great willpower to not give up on him. I know that he loves me and we are looking for a house and planning to get married. However, I was sneaky and looked at his cell phone bill and found he was talking to his recent ex when he said he hadn't been. One call was for almost 1 hour! I was really hurt by this when I found out that he had lied to me. I love him dearly, but the fact that his exes are all still in the picture, unfortunately is not cool with me. I have been debating recently whether I am the right person for him and accept the fact that he will keep these women in his life or leave him and find someone that I won't have to worry about that. It is a very difficult decision. So, I know that it bothers you, but if you really truly, love him, you will accept his faults, even his stupid ex and still love him for it. Unfortunately as I can send advice easily, I myself cannot bring myself to do it. It takes a strong woman to be confident in herself and say hey, I know I'm better than her and never think about it again. I guess I'm not one of those, but as much as it pains me to see my man talking to all of these ladies, I love him and I'm not going to let some stupid ex, ruin my and his future. Don't let her ruin yours!
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female
reader, Lala +, writes (17 December 2005):
Don't listen to that one post that talks about "extra loving" - - how juvenile and presumptuous!
From your entry, it does not sound like your bf is interested in being with his ex. If he wants to marry you, rest assured that it's likely a solid thing!
As far as his ex being friends with his family, that is something neither you or even he can control. They are their own people, and if they choose to keep her around, and she chooses to keep being present, then that's that.
If you truly can't accept that, maybe you need to rethink your decision to be his wife. But, don't allow his ex to make you feel jealous or unworthy, she is getting an ego boost when she sees or hears of your irritation. Get to know your future in-laws, and when they're ready to come around, they will!!
I am in the same situation as you, minus the jealousy. My hubby's ex is still in touch with my MIL and SIL, and in the beginning, they were not very receptive to me, but after awhile, they saw how happy my hubby was with me, and finally accepted me. And while they still are friendly with his ex, they also have love for me, which is all that matters.
Above all though, no matter what is said, my hubby chose ME and married ME, just as your bf is choosing YOU!! Unless you also want to be "married" to his family as well, don't worry about what they think right now, just focus on you and your bf, and the rest will fall into place. Good luck - - and remember, it gets easier & better!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2005): Hi, I had a similar situation with my bf and if he's thinking of getting married to you....by all means he needs to CUT IT OFF...whatever, friends this, friends that--I told my bf, listen I come from a background where I'm not friends with my ex and I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T invite him over my house--an ex is an ex for a reason. We sat down and talked about how uncmfortable I was with his being friends with his exes (and he even spent the day with one of them on his b-day while we were in our early stages of going out)and I told him why do you need attention from your exes? I don't provide enough for you? And would you still continue to do soemthing even though it hurts me? And he said he didn't wnat to hurt their feelings, but then I told him whose feelings should you be more concerned about huring? Your PAST exes that DUMPED YOU or your current gf who likes you; expects you to respect her and WILL dump you if you don't stop this behavior? He saw my pit alos when I asked him how he would like it if I spent the day with my ex--done and done--he deleted their numbers from his phone right in front of me and I ahven't heard anything about them since--it's a matter of respect...his family I think will eventually warm up to you; but I'm sure it isn't fair that there alsmot seems to be a favoritism or compare contrast thing between certian members of the family, but think of it this way--they aren't YOUR family--you ahve a CHOICE whether you join it OR NOT--and bottom line: BEFORE you marry him he needs to STOP contact with her, but it's a red flag you should see when he refuses to stop doing something that hurts you..tell him this. OR you don't marry him; you don't have to live with this if he isn't willing to LET GO of this other girl who you are RIGHTFULLY threatened by--I mean he had sex with her, they spent time together--I felt the same way about my bf's exes--just imagining them with him or him loving them or saying "I love you" to them makes me sick..and having a constant reminder there--this isn't even just likt an old picture of her or a shirt she wore he doesn't wnat to let go of but the witch herself! She should have the sense to turn down his invititations and I agre with the other person that asked how lonely a person must be to still sniff around with her ex...MOVE ON! YOU are ith him NOW and you need to amke your presence known and put your foot down. You need to tell him point-blank this is what bothers me and soon you'll understand if he's the kind of man you wnat to marry by his answer...because I'm hoping he'll get rid of her...his family could keep on liking this girl all they wnat, but what you wnat to hear from him is all he wnats is you--he doesn't need attention from any other woman other than YOU...Really, best of luck and God bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): why would someone get rid of some extra lovin on the side...Wise up and use ur brain...if he's not cheating on u now with her...it will happen one day...Tell him to make a decision his old ex (obviously it didnt workout before) or You ( a relationship that is working now)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): Mare, she sounds like a complete pain in the hole. Girls like that should know their place. I pity her though she obviously has no one. Bit sad really, but honestly I don't think she'll buzz off. She may feel that she has a right to see his family etc... Blah blah blah. If she dumped him rest assured she doesn't want him now. He might get a small boost to his ego for having her still on the scene, they both need to grow up and cop on. If you are talking about marriage, then straighten this problem out now and you can be bloody sure that if the shoe was on the other foot and some girl was still sniffing around her boyfriend she would have NONE of it. Best of luck (I too have a similar situation)
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reader, beenthere +, writes (12 December 2005):
she obviously got close to his family and is now a family friend. maybe you should make a little more effort with his family. talk to them as well as him and remind them that he is with you now. especially with kids, it wouldn't be fair for you to ask the family to push someone out of their life completely
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