A
female
age
41-50,
*azzle
writes:Im 34 years old and for the last 18months i have been having a casual relationship with my first love. I lost my virginity to him when i was 23 and we had regular sex for about 4 years. He is a bit of a commitment phobic. Maybe the reason for this is that 2 of his ex girlfriends took overdoses when the relationship ended. At the end of our relationship he started dating some other girl. I was heartbroken and took it really badly. I felt that he was my soulmate but everything i had wanted with him for 4 years he gave to another. Their relationship ended after 3 years. I was with another guy for 2 years who died of cancer. I picked myself up and gradually got to know my first love again through going out at the weekend. He made such an effort with me and said that he had changed and wanted relationship. For 18 months he has been there for me on phone but only saw him on a saturday night. He knew i had fallen for him again. We spent a lot of time with each other as he helped decorate my house. I ended it with him because i told him i didnt want to be a saturday nite thing but within a few days he rang me and took me out. We had a great time. He told me he didnt want to lose me. He also said that he loved me in his own way. I know he cares about me. I finished it with him again 2 weeks ago as things didnt change. I am heartbroken and find myself texting him all time as didnt want to end it. He wont come back to me. He said he didnt want to hurt me. He says hes there for me for chat or help with house. I love him and miss him so much but feel like im losing my mind. How could he hurt me again after what happened before? Why wont he come back to me. I didnt really want this to end.
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ex girlfriend, heartbroken, his ex, lost my virginity, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): This guy is clearly not able to offer you a proper relationship and in my opinion it seems he has been using you for his own needs on a saturday night with no thought for your feelngs.
You seem to really love this guy but this relationship is damaging to your emotions and self esteem.
Cut all ties with this guy honey and allow yourself the chance to meet someone that wants to share your life not just saturday nights!
Good luck xx
A
female
reader, mishyluv  +, writes (16 December 2011):
Please let him go. He only wants to waste you time. Every woman needs love and equal attention. You can't be on the giving side only. You should be a decisive lady and stand your ground. He is not ready for commitment and age is not on your side. Take your time, you will definitely find sweet love out there. Sorry about the heart break....
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I agree that as long as you keep giving him whatever makes him comfortable to continue along he will keep giving you more of the same. I don't think he is going to make a real future with you so I would pursue other possibilities and just keep him as a platonic friend if you can or just cut him out period.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (16 December 2011):
I think he has good reasons to be a commitment-phobe if all his previous relationships ended badly. But that means that he's going to be this way. It sounds like he's doing all he can to be less commitment-phobic, but he's out of his comfort zone once you ask for more than he's willing to freely offer.
I think this leaves you only with the choice of either accept what he can give, or move on. I don't think you can do anything to make him commit to you, at least not on your time frame. By accepting him and what he can give, you may keep the relationship and allow him to continue growing (albeit at a glacial pace, it seems) and maybe some day then he will commit to you once he feels comfortable enough for his own reasons. But no one can tell you that you should hold your life back for him in hopes he will change, and it's also not a good idea I think...because no one can guarantee that he will change, not even himself. I think you should only continue to wait for him if you really can be somewhat content and happy with the relationship as it is and are not spending most of the relationship "needing" more from him. If you can't do that then you simply have to move on, without looking over your shoulder. Put your focus on the future and away from him.
However before you move on, maybe it would be worth it to try to open the lines of communication more and see if it really is coming down to this? Perhaps he is pulling back because he has misunderstood you or because he has unexpressed fears that could be alleviated if there was more open communication? If you do try to communicate more with him, I would start by refraining from explaining your side and what you want and are looking for. Instead just seek to gain information on his thoughts and goals and fears. Ask him what he wants, and why, without then going into counter-offer mode or trying to persuade him otherwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): he's just the way he is - he has his baggage and his issues from his past relationships that are holding him back. He needs to go on his own personal journey as far as finding himself and what he wants and needs in life which only he can do. you can't force him to get on a path that he is not ready for. You did the right thing for yourself by ending the relationship because it's not working for you. So now you have to stick with that path and move on. Breaking up with him, only to then change your mind and try to get him back and then wonder why he won't come back, this is keeping you stuck. The relationship with him was painful the first time around 10 years ago. Now the second time around it's gain painful so you shouldn't wait around. Maybe some day he will develop into a 'normal' relationship-partner but it could take him years and a few more relationships under his belt to grow into that. You shouldn't hold yourself back waiting for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): One question: Why would he commit when he gets the goods for free? Simple OP he doesn't have to commit because you'll always go back to him and it's easier not to commit when you're going to get the sex anyway. Pretty sweet deal OP why would he change that?
It's like going into a shop and they let you take any item you want without paying but with the promise of paying later. If they never made you pay and said you could keep taking things as long as you promise to eventually pay, then why would you pay? That shop would then go bankrupt, just as you are quickly becoming emotionally bankrupt from being toyed with like this.
He's not relationship material OP, he is not nor will he ever be able to maintain a healthy loving relationship. It's not in him, he just can't. That's the way it is with some people, the whole idea of someone for everyone is not true. Some people just aren't able to do it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2011):
The problem is that you have loved him, but he has never loved you. Yes, he is your first love, and you lost your virginity to him. But you've never once been in a proper relationship with him, and he has never shown that he has feelings for you like you do for him.
First time around, all you two really did was have a casual relationship where you had sex.
You then moved on to another man, who sadly died - and I am sorry about that. I'm sure that came as a huge shock.
But, along came the commitment phobe again and again, all he did, was use you and treat you like a casual fling. Even when you put the ultimatum to him, he didn't suddenly change.
I really think you need to move on from him. No matter how hard you may think that is. Over ten years, he's never once proved that he loved you. And I don't think that will ever change. The ultimatum and the dumping prove it - he was willing to be dumped, rather than make any attempt to progress the relationship.
Please, for your own sake, cut this guy out and move on. It will never go anywhere, and life and far better guys will pass you by if you continue to chase this commitment phobe.
Believe me, if he loved you, he'd be with you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
He needs to work on himself first before he can commit to you, or anyone for that matter. I think he tried but found out he couldn't and is now trying to ease his way out. You need to let him go. If you haven't been making progress over the last 10 years, it's not going to work. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.
Tell him you don't want him for "chat or help with the house". Tell him you want what he said he wanted: a relationship. All of him, not just bits and pieces that come and go in your life when he pleases, like a passenger on a train. You deserve better than that and he knows it. If he cannot offer that, it's best to cut contact and go your separate ways.
This is not what you wanted to hear, I know. Sometimes doing the hardest things are the right things. You need to move forward, not get stuck somewhere with someone you cannot depend on.
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