A
male
age
41-50,
*r. Dutch
writes:hello there,i find myself getting a little frustrated/resentful these days and have gone to counselling and been very open about the matter with my fiance.now i understand this topic may sound offensive or degrading to some women/men on here and i assure you that is not my intent.so, i met my now fiance over two years ago and sex has never been a concern, we moved in together over nine months ago and things have surely changed.for the first 2 months we were very sexual and she would go down on me whenever i desired, she would give me blowjobs to completion and yes swallow too. For no apparent reason she stopped. the blowjobs were still there but she would refuse me cumming in her mouth 100% of the time. she only now says she hates it, can't stand the texture,taste. we have tried flavoured condoms, sorry it really is not as fullfilling for me, i have asked if i can cum and then she spits it out but she has a small mouth/gag reflex and says she be better off swallowing then.i understand respecting boundaries etc...however i had told her and its true that this is the single best feeling sexually for me. i have as said gone to counselling for this and it is a relationship dealbreaker. i think alot of women on here have written that its pretty shallow to leave someone or end the relationship because they won't swallow. it is my sex life too!anyways, she refuses to discuss it anymore, i am getting really depressed by this and she does not care. I love her, i will and have done anything for her. i mean save her from eviction, pay for pets vet bills, get her off of substance abuse, given her a steady secure lifestyle. not to mention i go down on her all the time and i "swallow", i do it when she is on her period as well. i always open doors for her, do dishes, cleanup the house, pay for everything and always do what she wants so she is happy. i am a giver.this really takes its toll as i feel like i am not worth the blowjob i desire, like she expects all from me even if its not my ideal, yet she won't put the effort in for me. it is not at all a degrading issue here. this simply is the best feeling for me in the bedroom and she knows this and now refuses. i am easily made to feel like a pig by her saying "oh if i dont swallow then all this(relationship) is not worth it to you?" well i have invested everything into this and she is not doing her part. we all do things we dont like or is not ideal for us to make our partner happy. she won't. what, how do i deal with this? do i leave her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): As a fellow swallower-lover, I can totally understand your love for this sex act. It is by far my favorite thing sexually. I would go so far as to say I will probably never again fall for someone who refuses to swallow. But you fell in love for this woman, and I sure hope itwas for more than swallowing. If you truly would dump someone you would marry over this, I would say you are not cut out to marry...period. You dont fall in love and marry because a woman will be subservient to her husband and do any act he commands. It's not about that at all. I suggest you try looking deeper. Maybe there IS some way she is willing to please you sexually that you havent considered or explored. Maybe it would be better than swallowing. Maybe you'll wind up finding it more pleasurable to cum in her ass or in her hair or something crazy. But unless you try, you wont know. Or, just give up and move on to the next swallower and hope she is a keeper.
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Leave her? I think she should leave you mate. You've had counceling because your partner won't swallow? Are you serious? That's the worst reason I've ever came across as to break up with someone. Self absorbed for sure..
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A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (31 July 2010):
The point is : she is entitled to refuse to carry on with a sexual practice she in truth does not enjoy; but on the other hand if the sexual practices she does enjoy are not sufficient to fulfil your sexual needs then you are entitled to amicably end the relationship on grounds of incompatibility and hope to find someone who suits you better.
The original question - is it a dealbreaker ? is something only you can answer as only you know how important the oral ( and anal ) sex is. Having enjoyed both I can understand why they would be important enough to break the deal : just don't agree with the posters who look for moral blameworthiness on either side - it's just an incompatibility issue.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 My friend I don't think I've read a mnore self-absorbed question on this site before. Look and keep in mind I'm a guy with the same fantasys all men have. If a girl doesn't want you to do something then DON'T DO IT! Get over your self and go jerk off in a corner. There's no sympathy here.
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male
reader, RBM +, writes (6 October 2009):
Okay, this goes WAY beyond "Just a Blow Job" ... don't think of the blow job as just a sexual action ... think of it as a prelude of many unjust issues to come ..I'll tell you what happened ... once she say how valuable you were to her, she wanted to "acquire" you and keep you, so she did everything you liked even if it killed her. Once she had you, she no longer needed to do the "sacrifices" people do for people they love.I hate to say this, but she doesn't seem to love you. She just loves what you do for her. So she won't let you go without a fight either. (you might confuse this for her loving you) I'm guessing she gets mad at you a lot and wants you to be someone you're not.When you love someone, the sacrifices you make, make you feel good because they please your lover. So in the end, they're not really sacrifices. Well, it's your choice ... if you do break up ... don't make it an issue of a blow job ... make it an issue of sacrifice and love ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): All things aside if my partner based the entire value of our relationship on wether or not i let him blow his load in my mouth id kick him out and find a man worthy of my time. Semen tastes disgusting there is no doubt about it maybe she got to the point where she "wrongly" thought you loved her enough that she didn't have to be subjected to that. Why dont you just break up with her and get a blow up doll and a tube ok KY
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female
reader, Swt Txn +, writes (15 August 2009):
Did you read what you wrote? Yes, she should do something sexually to make you happy even if she doesn't want to? To make her do something that she doesn't want to is ... rape... not saying that you are doing that..Would you really get pleasure by her doing something sexually for you if she didn't enjoy it?Find someone who desires and craves the things that you do.
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male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (10 August 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRenee okc,
What the hell?
Firstly, i never pressured her into anal. We tried it and she initiated that one after i told her i'd like to try and she said it wasn't her thing, however she wanted to try with me.
Again i haven't been pressuring her about the oral, i made it clear what i like, what it means to me and that in our sex life it is important to me. My expectation was that we both do what it takes to make the other happy, whether we enjoy it or not (and yes that involves all the things i have done for her). I did not barter or expect something after i did something, simply me putting the effort in so she could be happy, and she knows and acknowledges all those times it was a real strain for me. I don't apologize for what i want nor do i apologize for asking for what i want. I have no control issues believe me, everything in our relationship is geared towards her, when she wants, what she wants, how she wants, etc...the issue may be some control or as i feel give and take would make things better.
Freak nasty? thats your opinion, and thats your right.
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female
reader, Swt Txn +, writes (9 August 2009):
If someone doesn't make you happy & complete, leave. But please know, She is not obligated to do that for you. It is a desire. Perhaps it does make you feel like the tallest man on earth, does it matter to you if it makes her feel the smallest woman on earth? that it disgusts her? that she no longer wants to do it & feels it violates her?
I was about to say if the 2 of you can't come to an agreement, but then I remembered, she plainly told you her thoughts on the situation. If it is a deal breaker, then go. Each of you deserve to be in a relationship that compliments them and helps them prosper. If it doesn't, then it will only cause strife, bickering & betrayal of some sort..GL
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female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (8 August 2009):
I have read your reply's to our comments and I find it a little confusing. I think you are making a big deal out of a little issue because in the grand scheme of things this is all very petty. You want her to stay the same and keep doing the same things she was doing at first. Have you ever thought maybe you have worn her out mentally and physically and she is tired and just needs sometime off. It sounds like you can't get off unless you are doing something freak nasty and your making it a issue for her instead of it being your issue. I'am sorry but have you had someone fuck you in your ass Dude it Hurts like hell and is not a very pleasant feeling when first trying it so you can't blame her for being hesitant to try it again. You act like you have control issues and you just want a sex slave. You keep saying what you do for her, you want to do those things that is why you do them so please stop trying to compare the two. You need back off and apologize to her for the constant pressure about sex and if you do this she may warm back up again on her own.
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reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (8 August 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for the input.
I should apologize for not just coming out and giving all the details, its just i honestly could've written a several thousand word post about this relationship.
On the issue of escorting, i don't feel i should just be discussing it. I do realize its not fair to my fiance as it is her past and her business, however this is somewhat anonymous and is a part of why there are/may be issues.
I dont at all like to come off as arrogant or patting myself on the back, i realize i may sound like i am to a degree. I simply fell for a girl and would do whatever it takes to make her happy.
I do feel this is a one-sided relationship, i fell hard for her and tried my hardest to "get" her. Well i did and now we are together. I always just thought i was showing my dedication or love for her when i was as it seems just jumping through hoops for her. Travelling to her city, driving all over town with her things-moving her into place after place a total of 4 times. I had payed her storage locker and tried to take care of her. Essentially i have spent so much time to make sure she was happy (this includes her living with her hiv+ gay male roomate whom was her rock when she was escorting, and she wants to take care of him, also keeping her pet bunny-paying the vet bills and her roomate has over 25 aquariums for his fish collection/ small business-which doesnt make money)i merely stopped thinking of me, until these little shallow topics of my desires, etc....
Well i admit i moved too fast and maybe didn't realize what i was doing. It turns out that her gay roomate means so much to her and i am now feeling like the third wheel. He is actually real nice, she is just too clingy to him. I was lead to believe they were friends. Now its clear i am kinda the guy who desires her and makes her feel like a woman by wanting her intimately and ofcourse i am her/their provider. The gay roomate gets her in all the other ways that make up a relationship. This is really hurting and i do feel like i screwed up. Maybe that is why i placed a stronger value on our sex life. She had said to me she was going to take care of me that way.
Quickly regarding my original question here: I am not asking this of her at all out of disrespect for her. I cannot match any feeling sexually than this request. For me her blowjobs are wonderful, the pleasure is immense and it really rises to another level before orgasm and then it is at an ultimate sensation when i am ejaculating and she is still sucking me, to take my penis out of her mouth as my sensation builds and then take away the warm,wet,suction feeling of her mouth to stroke me until i cum on myself or her body is for me a let down. I hope i explained why this is important.
I just want to be happy. I cannot just leave as we will be having a baby. I will do what i have to in order to give her the best life i can give her. I know that means not being in a loveless marriage only for a child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): You know, if you really can't live without being swallowed, and your girlfriend just isn't willing any more, maybe this gay best friend of hers might be happy to stand in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): The point is: if you really feel unsatisfied with your sexual life with her maybe you need to find another partner.Some longtime couples break up because of sexual issues, basically one of them is not quite satisfied with sex or other things in the relationship.You have to ask yourself if you can live with her accepting that she does not like you to cum in her mouth or have anal sex. If the answer is "no" then tell her, talk about it and make a decision.It's great that you are open about this issue with her and even went to counseling.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Just to repeat it: "Npw if she does nothing for you, gives 0% to the relationship and doesn't seem like she loves you at all, then I can see how this would be the last straw and you should have a longer talk with her about more than just this. But if that's not the case, I suggest setting your priorities in line. "
And honey, if there are other details that we need to know, then they need to be stated initially. Surely you could have guessed that looking at what you wrote and knnowing nothing mre, we would say these type of things? I mean. reread and pretend you don't know ANYTHING besides what you said and see if it doesn't seem degrading? And then take the word "dealbreaker" and pretend it means "a reason to breakup with her" (because that's what it DOES mean) and think about what sort of advice you were really expecting.
There's obviously more to your issues than her not swallowing. Because if she was kind, patcient, loving, giving, considerate, etc., then i don't believe you would be here asking us about why she doesn't swallow me. It sounds to me, as i said earlier, that you took the last straw and it was the top thing on your mind so you had a little rant about it on an advice website, when in reality, there's much more to it.
Ok.. so she's not giving you much of anything you need, she's disrespecting you and having this .. um.. gay man around.. she's had a hrrible past and probably swallowed for more men than you'd like to imagine and now won't do it for you..
that's a completely different situation. You have to weight our what you love about her and what you don't.. and see which side outweighs the other. Sometimes, it's just not worth a fight. Maybe you'll get more feedback now that we have more details.
~Sy.
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male
reader, Mr. Dutch +, writes (7 August 2009):
Mr. Dutch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for taking the time to respond to my post.
A little surprised by a few rather immature rude comments made but i guess thats what happens.
So firstly i am not treating my fiance as a whore! She began the relationship doing this act and it was made clear by me that it is the ultimate pleasure for me. As for me doing things so that justifies me expecting this. NOT AT ALL! For the record she had used this act in the past as barter ( if you help me buy this i will swallow). I took her aside that night and said " i want it and i want it if you are doing it to please me, or enjoying it, not so i will do something for her or get something for you".
I don't know why so many feel this is degrading!?! As said, i would like this as it is my ultimate sexual pleasure. Thats it.
She does not want anal sex either and i do, she has never done it fully with me and said its not her thing. She offered to try and we did and we may try again. End of it. Point is she swallowed my cum in the beginning of our relationship, she would look me in the eye during, after and at times with my cum drooling from her mouth saying she loves doing it for me, wants to make her man happy, wants her man to have a great start to the day, anything for my man, etc..... now she will not and it simply makes me feel like she has less interest and won't put the effort in anymore.
Sorry, i do have a life, so don't need to get one thanks.
Have my priorities straight thankyou, i look to fullfill my life and when i know what i want i will strive for it.
I will not leave someone over this, my comment regarding a "dealbreaker" is through talking with professsionals and realizing that its ok, NOT shallow, stupid, immature to want what you desire from a partner and weighing pros and cons in the relationship is fine. Would be pretty unsatisfied people out there if we just stopped wanting to explore, enjoy and fullfill ourselves.
In terms of the relationship, we have several issues and i am not appreciated or getting the effort in the relationship and further posts will show this.
I welcome help, suggestions and thank those who offer support and positive solutions and i am sorry some feel the need to call me a "baby", "needing a life" or a jerk about not respecting boundaries. Dealbreaker? she has to have her gay man bestfriend live with us to fullfill her daily life and thats bs! who puts up with that? i have so many sacrifices and compromises for just being with her. When i say i do it all, i do: im the only one who drives, i shop, make appointments, buy things for her and her gay mans hobby- fish, i do whatever she asks. did i mention i got her off of drugs, away from alcohol, got her on her meds, given her endless loving support- even when we lived in different cities and she had 2 other friends with benefits to pay her bills. Yeah thats right she was an escort and i got her out of that by providing a steady safe lifestyle. She has to have her gay man friend live with us (he is on disability)....ooops! major run-on sentences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): If she wanted to, she would. She isn't, therefore she doesn't want to. She's explained this to you. Says she hates the texture, the taste. (If she used to love it, it's likely that the real reason is something else - your attitude, possibly).
So there it is. She doesn't want to. Issue closed, unless she changes her mind. From your end, why would you want to cum in the mouth of someone who doesn't WANT your cum in her mouth and doesn't enjoy it? Where's the satisfaction in that?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Are you seriously telling me that you are considering leaving the entire woman/relationship/future life because she wont let you ejaculate on her, maybe just maybe she felt insecure at the start and wanted to please but now she is confident enough to say what she really wants.In either case get a bloody life and if you cant get over this she is better off on her own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I don't like my husband to cum in my mouth because I simply don't like the taste of sperm. However I try to please him and I find other ways so I don't have to swallow it. You can still cum in her mouth and she could then spit it out or something like that.
I think the pleasure you get is from cumming into her mouth but not from her swallowing it, that should not matter, you should still feel all the pleasure.
Please be open minded and try to find other ways to please each other.
Living her simply because you can't cum in her mouth is very shallow. It would make more sense if there were other reasons.
Don't assume you will find many girls out there that will like to swallow your cum.
Good luck and think hard about it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): It is a fact, that a taste of a sperm is influinced by the food you eat. Maybe previosly you ate a food, witch taste she liked and thus she swallowed, but as yyou, probably started to eat a food, witch taste she doesn't like, she disliked the taste of your sperm as well. So, you migh want to eat something, she likes before asking her to do a blow job.
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 For some guys a blow job is simply the best sexual experience ever. For those who don't understand just think of the very best sex possible for you something that really does turn you on and then for whatever realise find that you will never be able to experience that joy again, ever.The issue here has become emotionally clouded with people focussing on swallowing not swallowing leaving staying etc And yes I do understand her point of view but it would have been better if she made her feelings clear at the very beginning of the relationship which would have allowed both parties to work it out or leave when it was easier to do so. I don't know where it can go from here as I doubt that the relationship will have much of a chance of long term happiness with such an important and emotionally charged standoff. This situation also brings up the issue of why some men end up going to sex workers to have such deep seated desires fulfilled, its just an issue that won't go away and can't be ignored.
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reader, baddogbj  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 Gina, you say "and she does seem to be doing her fair bit for you too!" There is nothing whatsoever in the post as to what she may be doing for him - unless the situation in the west has reached the point where men should be grateful that any woman deigns to have sex with them at all. "Why would you expect her to do this?" Well, because she did it during the formative part of the relationship and didn't complain about it then so you can either see it as part of the implied relationship contract or it's misrepresentation
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Your pasting reminds me of the old joke:-Q. Why does the bride have such a radiant smile?A. Because she knows she has given her last blow job!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I don't see how not swallowing is a half-assed blowjob.. What does it matter what happens to the sperm? Good lord people, there are far more importnant things in life.
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female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (6 August 2009):
You are saying it is not about the blow job but you are ready to leave her just because she doesn't want to do it anymore. Have you thought that maybe all the pressure you are putting on her to perform she doesn't like doing it anymore and now finds it as a turn off. Hey if you want to throw your relationship away over a blow job then more power to you, but I must say that I think that would be stupid. I get what your saying but if you feel like that stop doing so much for her, you are trying to make it sound like she is using you but you are doing these things because you want too. She doesn't have a choice in this manner it is either your way or no way. Grow up and stop acting like a baby over some throat get a grip and find pleasure in other ways. Oh and cum does make you gag if you don't care for the way it taste. You need to stop being so critical I believe if you leave her over this you will be the one to suffer, you can find any man to pay your bills buddy so what will the deal breaker be for you.
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male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (6 August 2009):
 So this is a "deal breaker" huh? WOW! It's nice to see that you have your priorities in line.Perhaps you need some counseling in other areas of your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): she probably just dont like it and only done it in the first place to please you.Also, your attitude stinks, you seem to be treating her like a whore, you think because you pay for everything and do everything, she should perform sexual favors for you.how do you think this makes her feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): So she is doing absolutely nothign to make you happy? If you stopped opening doors for her, would she leave? Or stopped giving her oral on her period, would she leave? I highly doubt it. She has decided that she hates this, and swallowing for a girl is not like swallowing for a man. You can either look at it like: I'm not worth the swallowing or she can look at it like: I'm not worth it just because i'm not swallowing?
I assume this is how both of you are looking at it. Relationships ar about more than sawllowing your cum honey and i seriously don't think you should let this be a deal breaker. For me, a guy who lets this be a dealbreaker, is a dealbreaker. Try to understand how she feels and look at other ways that she makes you happy.
Npw if she does nothing for you, gives 0% to the relationship and doesn't seem like she loves you at all, then I can see how this would be the last straw and you should have a longer talk with her about more than just this. But if that's not the case, I suggest setting your priorities in line.
~Sy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): you say "we all do things we dont like or is not ideal for us to make our partner happy"but if YOU love HER , then why would you want her to do something that you know she hates?
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female
reader, MissesConfused +, writes (6 August 2009):
You're right, that does sound like a horrible reason to leave a person, but . . . If it's something you feel strongly about, you know, why not? Leave her. I mean, you've gone as far to seek help from counselors, and you're really sweet with her. But if truly love this woman, I really advice you to try and somehow look pass flaws in your sexual nature and remember what it is you love her in the first place. Maybe you two even need to break from oral sex for awhile. If love doesn't solve your problem, perhaps your better off leaving her. The only thing I really can say is please don't leave a person you love for sexual reasons.
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