A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have one question for you guys... how is it that guys can move on so fast after a relationship ends? I mean, obviously after two years a relationship takes work since you are likely no longer in the honeymoon phase (esp. if you live together like we did). I was not the bad guy in this break up and I love people a lot and EVEN I don't want to rush back into anything because I know how much goes into a real relationship and I just don't have the energy. It's funny, this guy told me he loved me more than anything when he broke up with me and now he has a new girlfriend... it's just unbelievable to me. I feel like our whole 2 years living together was a lie now... and he's telling her all the things he told me to reel me in.. I was supposed to marry this guy! How can I move past this to feel like I want to date again?? I was always the one who was honest and had good intentions, so why is it that he has someone and is happy and I am still single and miserable? I'm so tired of being sad, but I don't know how to make it stop. I've been doing the normal things, going out with friends, exercising, shopping, etc... I pretend to be happy, but on the inside I am in utter turmoil.
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female
reader, apple89 +, writes (18 January 2011):
It made me so sad to read ur story as I'm going through a simila situation, except mine was a 2 year relation (thank god)... My x is 29 I'm 21 he lives in my home city and I go to another city for school,I just transfered to this scgool and he always offered to fly my home to go see him, he was always keeping in tptouch with me, he even said he's ready to get married and he would wait for me to graduate.. Then he strts distancing himself from me out of no where leading to many arguments and finally wiht a " I moved I don't wan this anymore bi no longer have feelings" and claiming I was too clingy, when it was HIM flying me it was him who always said I want you to be clingy when I tol him more than once that I felt like I didn't have the opportunity to meet anyone else bc he made me be with him anytime I had time of from school...
Seriously, all I know its THEM who have an issue, they are unstable human beings who try to find their stability in relationships and when it fails to maintain them stable they "move on"I'm glad I saw this now before I fell more in love with this guy... I look at myself in the mirror evryday and say that I love myself way too much to have feelings towards someone who can just drop you like that without you doing anything to them... Karma is a bitch n they won't ever find happyness unless they change that bc its THEM who have an issue not us, you and me are beyond that level.. I know it sucks to see that but trust me time is our best weapon an the less we hear or see our exs the stronger and better we will be and he clearly has an issue and just thank god it ended now and not 3 years later when you guys are married o have a child cause then it woulb be worse... Hope you feel better:)
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
 It will. With each bad experience we learn more about what to look out for. The warning signs. You'll never be free from hurt. Even in the best relationships fights happen and people hurt each other. But when you're with the right person you both want to get past it because you're the most important thing to each other. I hope to meet that person. It may never happen, but I'm not going to give up either.
Make sure you don't give up. You'll make someone very happy, and hopefully they do the same for you. Perhaps they've been there all along, and you just couldn't see it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, I just want to thank you all so much for your answers... this really means a lot to me. I go on here sometimes and give advice to others because I feel like I am in a position, with the experiences that I have had, to help others. I am really good at giving advice and I know in my head that you are all right... but when it's your heart that's broken, it's sometimes hard to take your own advice. I am normally a strong person & since I am unable to out-think my heart on this one, it makes me feel very weak. I have taken this break-up harder than any other... drank and smoked more cigarettes than I care to admit just trying to numb the pain (which I know does not make it better, but seem unable to stop myself from doing these self destructive behaviors and then feel twice as guilty).. started school and my school work has suffered.. then I feel guilty for that also. I'm not this person... ya know? I know the guy is an asshole and a far cry from what he represented himself to be & so I hate myself that there's a piece of my heart that still loves him very much (I guess I am still in love with the lie). I feel foolish that I woke up everyday happy as shit, thinking my life could get no better, only to realize it was all BS. I have never beat myself up so much in my entire life. And thanks Tisha-1... that really sucks to hear about your sister.. I feel terrible about that and my prayers go out to you and your sister... makes me feel guilty for being so upset over a break up when people suffer much worse.. and I KNOW this. I wish there were a magic pill for a broken-heart... Whomever invents this will become super rich :) And congrats to Dirtball on your first date after a year.. I can't wait until I get to that point.. I can only hope and pray that next time will be different because I don't think I can go thru this again.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
"if you love someone like he 'pretended' to love me, he wouldn't have been able to do it to me."
Bingo. Don't worry, he wasn't your last chance. I'm about the same age. It's been a little over a year since the break up I detailed below and I'm finally getting back out there. I took the time I needed to be ready to date again and have my first date in over a year on Saturday. I went through the hopeless feelings too, but they pass.
He still has a hold on you. Hopefully you can loosen that grip so you can find someone who is actually the man you desire, and you're the woman he can't live without.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 December 2010):
 You are totally in the process of grieving the breakup. It's the same process as dirtball said, that you go through when someone you love dies. All the promise and potential that you had with that person is gone, it's really tragic and hard to swallow. It sounds to me as though you are in the midst of the fresh grief for it.
If I were you, I'd be studying the process people go through when they grieve. There are distinct phases you may experience and you may take a couple steps forward just to be blasted back again by a random thing, like that FB picture you saw. It's not linear, it's not fun and it certainly isn't fair.
Living means that sometimes really crappy things you did NOTHING to deserve happen to you. It's like my sister getting cancer. She has two small children, she takes good care of herself, she didn't deserve to get cancer, and go through surgery (twice) AND chemo AND radation AND early menopause AND live with the fear of recurrence. It TOTALLY SUCKS.
So what happened to you, with this emotionally stunted, selfish and unbelievably insensitive individual, SUCKS. It ISN'T fair and it ISN'T nice and NO ONE should expect that you will spring back from this cheerful as a daisy overnight. NOT HAPPENING. There's not a lot you can do but do the things you know are right for you.
I actually would recommend the letter route already proposed. I think laying down ALL the feelings and insulting the shit out of this guy, laying bare ALL his flaws and his crappy behavior and getting it out, will be cathartic. I wouldn't advocate mailing it just yet. Just get it OUT there, you can refine and edit and add and just basically create your own closure document. One you can throw all those bad feelings you have into and have in a discrete place.
I think a mourning ritual would be good too. A good old, 'wash that man right out of my hair' evening with a couple of close friends, maybe take out pizza or cook up a storm, whatever makes you happy. Watch old sad breakup movies or ones like the 'First Wives Club' where you get to experience vicarious revenge. Gather all the remnants of your life together and BURN IT! Put it in the fireplace or have a bonfire somewhere and just TORCH it! Watching pictures of him curl and burn up will feel very good. Get all the negative stuff out of there and just do a mental and physical detox of the guy.
Of course you're upset he's with another girl, it's totally understandable and normal for you to feel crummy about it. What you don't recognize quite yet though is that he's still the same stunted arsewipe who treated you badly and he'll probably wind up doing something emotionally hurtful to the new one too. A year from now, you are going to be SO glad this guy is out of your life. It's going to be so refreshing and good to hang out with guys who aren't idiots. Just wait. You'll see. Bookmark this page and come back in a year. Or even 6 months. You'll be in a whole new place by then, because you will have done the work necessary to process and grieve and move on.
Good luck. Congratulations on losing the loser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball: LMAO, "she never responded, but fuck her." I feel ya.. That is an awful thing that happened to you.. I don't get how people can do this. I don't have it in me to hurt someone like that... this is why I don't understand why I am so unlucky in love. The thing is, I met him when I was 30 and he was 29... now I'm 33 and I just feel so cheated.. I mean, he really had me thinking that he was "the one." And what is really also heartbreaking to me is that, on top of everything else, I'm afraid about not meeting anyone else and falling in love again before it's too late for me to have children. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I seriously thought I would be married and have a family by now... I thought he was it and that I had finally put my single days behind me...this guy said he wanted kids with me and everything.. I'm just so devastated because I felt like this might have been my last shot. I feel like I've been replaced with a newer younger model and that HURTS so bad. I never saw that in his character when he was with me... he's done a complete 180. I'm definitely not unattractive, but still, it's not easy finding a person who you are compatible with, it takes time for me because I don't jump into a new relationship just to get sex and have someone stroke my broken ego.. for me, it has to be someone I could see a future with. I'm just so worried, sad that I may never have a family now. And, FYI... I DID send him plenty of emails stating my case and yes, he did respond to some, but never with anything concrete... I did everything you aren't supposed to do, begged, pleaded, apologized for anything I could have done wrong.. he never apologized for anything.. Deep down I know I'm better off, but even so, why do I still miss him? I hate him and miss him at the same time... I have all these emotions & yet he has nothing for me & yet my heart will not let go even though I want it to :(
Dornraben: Thanks for your comments... Ouch... dumped via text... again, what is WRONG with people??! I know that everyone has been thru hard times and I feel for anyone who has suffered like this. It worries me about what I might come across next, because OBVIOUSLY there is something very wrong with my picker... That is what makes me feel there is something wrong with me... I fell for all his lies, I trusted him, so yes, this was the ultimate betrayal. Why tell someone you love them sooo much, want to marry them, have kids with them and none of it is true? I could never tell that to someone and not mean it... and if you love someone like he "pretended" to love me, he wouldn't have been able to do it to me.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 "I have cried so much and he never even shed a tear in my presence"
That's the stand out sentence in your post for me. Just cos he's been able to keep himself composed around you doesn't mean he hasn't grieved at all... for all you know he could have cried himself to sleep for months.
After all, us guys have a lot of practice at keeping intense emotions away from the public eye... we can get very good at it. Blame society.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
There you go, let it out. Have you had any support in getting through the grieving process? Losing a relationship like this is like losing someone because of death. It is death in a way. As such, we often go through the stages of grief. Denial,anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
I think you hit on something important in your follow up for why you're stuck. You haven't experienced any real closure. No answers to your questions. Unfortunately, you will likely never get them from him. What I would recommend is putting it all down on paper. All your questions, thoughts, and feelings. Then arrange it into a letter to him and send it. That letter will be like a huge weight off your chest. Even if you never have an answer, you will have said your piece to him.
A story. My last GF and I split for many reasons, but how it happened surprised me. One day she just stopped answering the phone when I called. She stopped returning texts. Nothing, no communication what so ever. I was actually worried that something had happened to her. I checked with her roommate to see if she was ok. Then, I had a friend tell me she changed her facebook status to single. Never a word to me (I wasn't on FB at the time). While I saw it coming, I found it incredibly juvanile to not even talk to me. It made me wonder what those 3 years were even worth. So I wrote it down in an email. I felt much better after it was sent. It allowed me to put the closure I needed on the relationship. She never responded but fuck her. I don't need someone in my life who isn't mature enough to talk a problem through.
It's a real shame he was such a jerk. Not all guys are like this. My feeling is that he was keeping his true feelings bottled up and had been lying for some time. You're right that it is a very cowardly thing to do. It's also unfair. He wasted 2 years of your life and led you to believe things that weren't true. Be thankful such a rotten person is out of your life. Right now he still has power over you. That's not a position you want to be in. Hopefully you can free yourself of this by grieving the relationship and giving yourself the closure you need. You're truely better off without someone like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Just read your addendum, after I posted my 2nd reply.
You seem to have the measure of him now. Another texter! It's not going to make you less sad, but will make it better in the long run, when you meet someone decent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Hello again. Yes, he's probably a coward. And emotionally selfish too. My ex behaved in a similar way. Three days after our last weekend together - during which she again mentioned our "future" as a couple - she dumped my. By text. With no real explanation. It's like a betrayal, and was the worst thing I've ever felt, so I know how you feel on that score.
But you need to hold onto the knowledge that your ex WAS so selish and cowardly (not to mention running straight into someone else's arms!) and remember that it means there's something wrong with HIM, not YOU.
I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on the fact that you're better off without him. You will find someone who deserves you. Hopefully he will find someone whom he 'deserves' too...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh & I forgot to mention that he kept me hanging on for 5 months after the relationship ended (I guess until he made sure that this new one was going to work) before he finally just got mean & texted me that he never wants to see me again. I kept trying the no contact thing, but I was weak & he kept calling me.. so it's actually only been 1 month since I haven't talked to him at all... I went off on him because I found out he had a new girlfriend after he kept telling me that he had some issues from his past (childhood) he needed to work out on his own and he couldn't do that with a girlfriend... and that he wouldn't make a good husband right now. That's really all I got from him after two years of living together & a big fat slap in the face to find out he has someone else. Why me?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, but he's a coward if he already completed grieving before he ever broke it off.. I gave my heart and soul to this relationship and then some... I never cheated on him or anything like that so if he had issues with us, he should have told me so we could have worked them out together... why waste two years with someone and tell them you want to marry them and then you just give up quietly? I'm just so upset... it's so UNFAIR. I have cried so much and he never even shed a tear in my presence. I have had plenty of relationships, but never one so devastating as this because he never really gave me any true answers about why I wasn't enough for him. I am worried that I will never really get over this. I thought everything was fine with us, wonderful even. How am I supposed to trust anyone again?? He ruined me and now he gets to walk away scott free. Thanks for your answers, I appreciate it... I just want to feel like me again. I'm so depressed that people can be so cruel... esp. people I loved a lot and thought I knew well. How will I ever trust again??! This is so painful... And to answer your question, it's been 6 months.. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I should feel better by now, but last night I was on Facebook.. we have mutual friends & his picture came up on one of his friend's profile's and it was with him and his new girlfriend (she's like 8 years younger than I am)... I wasn't even TRYING to look at that and it popped up in my face... It felt like a million daggers went through my heart all at once. I haven't felt pain like that since my first love dumped me over 10 years ago. I never thought I would hurt like that again... thing is, I'm a good person, honest & loyal, so I just don't know what I did to deserve such a rotten thing to happen.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
You just need time to go through the grieving process. You'll heal, it will just take some time.
The reason he was able to move on so quickly is because he had made the decision to end things. Often, when someone decides to end things, they've already started or completed the grieving process for the relationship. That enables them to be better prepared for the step they planned on taking.
Another point is that this girl may be a rebound. It's entirely possible that he's having issues with her due to unresolved feelings about you and the break up. Many guys don't even realize they have a problem until much later.
For what it's worth, not all guys can move on instantly. It takes many of us time just like it does for women. Some men don't let themselves get emotionally invested in relationships, and therefore they are able to move on easier, but that's not all guys.
I promise it will get better with time. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll find that your pretend happiness turns into real happiness soon enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Sorry to hear of your break-up. How long since your relationship ended?
As for who moves on the fastest, it's more to do with who made the decision to end the relationship than their gender. Plenty of men have been dumped - only to discover that their girlfriend is with someone else almost immediately...
A breakup is invariably more painful for the dumpee than the dumper, as the dumper is the one who'd already emotionally 'checked out' of the relationship, and had time to prepare themself for it. Whereas it's a devastating bombshell for the person getting dumped.
It's possible that your ex already had this new woman lined up, or at least wanted to give it ago. Perhaps he's just the type who enjoys the chase. In which case, he wasn't as right for you as you may have thought.
Everyone needs to heal from a breakup at their own pace. It sounds as though you're making good progress, but don't expect the pain to go away overnight. As a recentish dumpee myself, I know how you feel. Wanting to just get on with your life, but still feeling that awful lead weight inside. Only time will make that weight more and more bearable.
Good luck!
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