A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I’m very puzzled about a certain man’s response to me. He’s a language tutor and he runs a mature class twice a week. I’ve been taught by him for nearly a year. I’m enjoying the experience of developing and speaking another language but anyway I don’t want to bore you so I’ll get straight to the point. I thought we had a good, friendly relationship so I can’t quite understand what I’m about to explain. The last lesson with him before our exam he was wishing everyone good luck individually which is nothing unusual. I had a banana peel, which I wanted to put in the bin desperately, on me when I was passing him. He leaned forward and said good luck but rather stupidly I didn’t bother with the pleasantries of saying how nervous I was or whatever like the others had. All I said was: ‘where’s the bin?’ I know, it sounded rude of me but I didn’t mean it in that way (I sometimes feel quite awkward around him). I’m guessing he is a sensitive man because 4 weeks later he had a little gibe at me about it. I excused myself to go to the loo and I was walking away he made this comment: ‘you can put your stuff in the bin over there’ (I had ate another banana by the way!) God, does he still remember that silly incident? I was surprised – it took me by surprise. I just said: ‘Oh, sorry, thanks.’ And went to pick it up to chuck it. The way he said it wasn’t in a helpful way, so I quite puzzled. I probably shouldn’t have sounded apologetic because I didn’t do anything wrong that day or since that day (except maybe not have greeted him or said bye to him when said bye or hello or whatever – I feel slightly embarrassed around him for some odd reason.) Oh well. He always makes me feel rather guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong. You probably think that this is rather trivial but I’d like to hear your response to his sudden change of behaviour. Why are some men so … odd? Why should he still remember something so pointless?Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 I don't think it's even affected him. Maybe just worth a chuckle on his part. He probably only remembered because you were holding a banana peel. It sounds like you have a crush on him, and when that happens it's way too easy to read way too much into every word and action.
Don't worry about it.
A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (24 June 2011):
 As you said, the banana peel moment was very trivial. For that reason, it would be very understandable for you to take a moment and pull him to the side. Explain that, as trivial as it may seem, you wanted him to know that you didn't mean to be rude. And if that has contributed in any way to him feeling that you were rude in general, you did not mean for it to be taken in that way.
Most likely he doesn't specifically remember the incident, although he may have been left with a brief impression of rudeness at the time.
Without a doubt, you are reading too much into his behavior. There could be any number of other reasons for why he has phrased things a certain way, or used a certain tone. In fact, there really doesn't have to even be a "reason".
Some people are very aware of their use of tone or how they word something. But there are also many who don't think about these things, or are clumsy in how they communicate. Until you know someone very well, it can be counter-productive to let this bother you too much.
A question that keeps popping into my head is why you see this as a "sudden change in behavior"? For me, a sudden change in behavior would have been for him to throw an eraser at you when you walked away. Or for him to show up at class one day dressed like a woman. THAT, is a sudden change in behavior.
This is a good example of how differently two people can interpret the same thing!
Unless there is more to the story, all that has happened is the occasional exchange of a few words during class. I would not let this upset you too much.
And lastly, it is my opinion that this also doesn't really have anything to do with how men behave in general. I could just as easily see the roles being reversed.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (24 June 2011):
Unless he's been doing other things on top of this and/or was raising his voice or glaring at you when he said it - you are reading way too much into this.
It could be he's not great socially and meant it to come across as a bit of a joke but failed. Everyone has those moments. Or he was causually just mentioning where the bin was seeing as you had rubbish (a banana skin) on you. If he was also tired/stressed it could of come differently to what he meant.
To me it sounds like you are the sensitive one, you may of felt a bit guilty about being a little short before the exam (which most tutors would understand it's because of nerves) and are now over-analysing everything he does and projecting your own feelings on to him.
If he really was offended by that and is in fact acting off with you, then he's a bit weird and it's probably best to have as little conversation with him as possible. So just ignore him and don't feel guilty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): I think when we are crushing on someone (like you are on him), it's very tempting to read into their words or behavior. He's just making small talk and he probably picks up on your nervousness around him.
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