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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Why do guys become 'the man', and girls become 'the slut' after sex too soon? i slept with a guy that chased me like crazy and yeah I know...I shouldnt have. if he stopped contact because he thought I was easy, then how is this not a double standard?pretty sure I wasnt having sex alone! and if he thinks I do that with all the guys, what does he do with other girls? this is an age old question that needs answers and honest insight. why do I become the easy one? he's just as guilty! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol thanks love2know, that IS all I wanted to know but apparently some people fancy themselves as shrinks
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): For god's sake all this girl wants to know is why some men run after sex!!! and when smartass remarks like getting free milk may seem fuuny, it actually just reconfirms the notion! and sweetheart, don't worry because that guy's cow will run out of milk sooner or later, be discarded to the pasture, and replaced with a younger one. and dont listen to that psycho babble crap about fertility cause it's crap. you just found a lemon among oranges is all. keep your head up, and ignore these others who want to lecture you about psychology!!!!!!!!! best of luck darling
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 July 2010):
I'm confused here (you'll have to excuse me, this is my first post on this question). This seems to be a big mess. Did this guy even call you a slut? All you say is that he cut contact. That doesn't mean you're a slut. That just means he used you, and has nothing to do with you being a slut or easy or anything. It just means that he chased you, and that was it. You seem to be sort of tagging yourself a bit here, for no reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo anti, because I'm angry and made the comment I wanted to kick someone's butt (which was just a comment as I would never hurt anyone), this categorizes me as 'bad news'? I don't think so, it's called emotion. everyone has it, and it passes. and there are ways to get your point across, as mud and puzzlesolver did, without being so nasty. most people shut down and will get defensive when someone doesn't want to 'fluffy bunny' it. it's called being tactful
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reader, 11muds11  +, writes (12 July 2010):
Please please stop listening to the hate, from both males and females. Try and see it from a guys point of veiw.
You said in your post you know you shouldn't have slept with him? Why? A massive majority of men if you make him work for it, will cherish you if they are mature enough. They'll continue to chase because you understand a man's sexuality.
You said he thought you were too easy. So the reader might imply that you slept with him quicky after you started going out or something happened on a night at a party spontaneously without being thought out. (that usually ends well and I'm sorry if it didn't)
And stop listening to the people who say you should wait till marriage. It doesn't work. That's the best way to lose a great guy. Or much worse: Find a guy who will cheat on you. How women don't see that last point, is a little puzzling to me. See below for the example. Let me stay in context.
If it's none of these than thank your lucky stars. This guy is a jerk, and still a boy, and not like most men. You can thank goodness that this did continue or it would have really ended in disaster.
Most men do not do this. I think the thing you should think about is to stop dating boys. Find a man. Pretty easy to spot them. There the ones who treat all others well - both males and females - and care about the people they're with. I'm sure you can find one. Good luck.
(Sorry but it's true. Ask a newlywed husband to not touch his wife for a couple of months and see what happens. He'll explode. Then ask a man newly in love man to wait for a year or 2! Yes, 100% for sure he'll cheat on you. I've seen it happen every time - even to the best of men. Unless he has an extremely low sex drive. Then expect your love life to be pretty terrible.
Especially in this day and age with all the sexual images a man sees. It's just impossible. It could have happened many years ago, but not now. Waiting till marriage is a terrible way to begin a relationship. Find a good man.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): After chasing you like crazy, he knows you're not easy. You were seeing each other for months, so there was most definitely a reason for both of you to return. Just because he dropped you cold after such a time doesn't mean it was for that reason. He may never have thought anything about using you and losing you. The fact that he left you so abruptly is rude, ignorant and unusual, but it doesn't mean he was in it for just one thing. In fact, he may have felt something else was missing, or got suddenly tempted into believing some other girl he just met was the one to be with, and didn't want to cheat on you. It's not right, the way he went about leaving you so suddenly, but don't read into it, because if he didn't have the decency to explain why he left, he's not worth wondering what his reasoning was. To read into it because of the hurt, telling yourself he must have had 10 times the partners you've been with, or that he did it for a notch in his belt, will only make you bitter. The truth is, he may not be either of those things, but just a very terrible, possibly cowardly, communicator. Yes, I agree with you that he should have done a better job at breaking up with you, than just no word at all and disappearing. Have you spotted him around at all, or heard anything about him since he left? If not, something bad could have also happened to him, being another possible reason for his sudden walk. It's difficult after being hurt by someone, not to compare them to other jerks, as to exactly what their motives or intentions were. There are so many variables, and it's much more complex than just being able to chop it up to a simple double standard. I'm sorry he made you feel this horrible, but you'll have to pick yourself up and hold your head up.. go out and not be afraid to run into the same type of person. Don't let it make you bitter toward someone else who may chase you for deeper reasons..they may really be worth it, and with you on all levels, in the future. This was a worst case scenario, and you're going to have to move on and not judge people you see in the future, based on how you feel now. Have patience and be gentle with people, and grow stronger like that, rather than let it pull you down and lower you. You can gain strength from times like this, and turn it into something motivating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess you missed the part where I said a couple of months dr lance, as you responded in that typical 'I'm a man and I'm above you' attitude.......it wasnt a one night stand and I'm sure your attitude is a repellant towards women. I'd be disgusted too. I only wanted answers, not rudeness. if no one can act like a decent human being, then don't reply to this. lets act our ages here
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I am the guy who said "why buy the cow..."I am in a loving relationship with my partner of twelve years, so no, I am not lonely. And I am 37 and only slept with three women in my life. You made an assumption, just as WE made an assumption, but we based ours on what you told us to begin with. YOU did not tell US that this was a RELATIONSHIP that had been lasting several months. Your original post suggested this guy had chased you, that you'd given in and slept with him - nothing to suggest you were actually seeing this guy for such a period of time.It does help to be clear from the outset, then you might get better responses!
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reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (12 July 2010):
 If you don't like the answer honey - don't ask the question.
Don't forget, at the end of the day it was you who said "Yes". Force was not used. Be angry with yourself for not having the maturity to see through that guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): People can try to brush off the biological reproduction factors in this topic all they want. But those factors are not going away. Men do not just prefer women with fertile body shapes only when they want to concieve a child. Women are not just attracted to sexy wealthy powerful men only when they want to get married or get pregnant. People prefer what nature tells them to prefer at all times and all ages. It is pointless to blame religion, or culture, or one of the genders, for what biology does to us. Pointless. We can blame men for being players. But only if we admit that half the men out there become players because they are tired of trying to treat women well and losing out to other players. Men won't ever want to be nice guys as long as women keep choosing them last. Womem, if you want to stop the cycle then you have to stop sleeping with the players. Sleeping with them first and then complaining about them afterwards doesn't help anything. Men will stop doing this stuff as soon as it stops working. Men, if you want to stop the cycle then stop looking the other way when men are slutty. Stop clapping them on the back. Start openly saying negative things about that behavior.
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reader, Serpico  +, writes (12 July 2010):
Has absolutely nothing to do with the "media" or anything like that. It is simply because we are a product of our evolution. Its all based on the drive to procreate. Nothing more, nothing less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, whoever said 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' is most likely a man whore himself, destined to be alone because he has no idea how to treat a girl. Secondly, this was a guy I've been seeing for months. And now that I read 'answers' from the guys, I'm really beginning not to care anymore. some men will tell lies and do anything to get a girl in bed, no matter if he hurts her in the process
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reader, 11muds11 +, writes (12 July 2010):
It's not at all a double standard. It's just the way guys are programmed.As a guy you want to chase. If you get the girl right away, even if you've liked her for a long time, it's a total high for you and the chasing mechanism is gone. If the girl doesn't give in right away, and makes him earn it, then he'll want to chase again. It's just natural.Sometimes you sleep with a woman and a good relationship ensues. But that has more to do with timing - a good time in the man's life - than anything.It's also a great secret to a happy marriage. Good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 There is undoubtedly a double standard for tons of social and cultural reasons, but I doubt it's directly affecting you in your case,
You say he disappeared because now he thinks you are easy... how do you know that ? Did he tell you so ?..
The reason might be, alas, much simpler, and the classic reason why in general men disappear . He was not that into you, to begin with. Or ( which amounts to the same ) he was just into the thrill of the chase per se, ended which, he had no interest for keeping the prey.
It happens - it happens often, and without having anything to do with a moral judgement about the woman . If a guy really likes you, he'll stick around, whether you are easy or ..difficult.
That's why normally is a good idea not to have sex right away. Not because the man will think you are easy , but because so you have the time to figure out if he is really into you and if there is any potential for a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): What sleeps around goes around...
Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free...
If women didn't put it out there, the men wouldn't be able to get it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I know a guy who sleeps around like mad - women fall for him and his charm immediately and they KNOW he's a bad boy and they still go with him, sleep with him, and get pissy that he doesn't want anything more.
Yet none of the rest of us guys thing he's THE MAN. We think he's a very sad individual who will end up very lonely and while he can be fantastic friend and very generous, we don't approve of his behaviour at all. And we tell him. We've been known to warn women off, but they still go with him.
We all think HE'S a slut. But it doesn't stop the fact that the women also happily behave like a slut with him knowing what he is like.
The answer is, of course, that too many people of both sexes have sex too early in the relationship than is wise. The 'third date' rule (which I've only recently heard about) is so patently stupid. How can you possibly know enough or respect someone enough after three dates - unless perhaps you knew them as friends for some time before - to want to be THAT intimate with them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've had way less than 10, and pretty sure he's had that x10, and I seriously doubt it's because he had some deep, subconscious, paternal desire to procreate. I've known (and I stress platonically known) several guys who slept around, only to have a slap on their back and a clink of their beer bottle from a buddy. and I'm not saying guys are worse than girls by any means. the main point I'm making is this guy made me fall pretty hard by persisting me really obviously......and now he's gone and I want to kick someone's @$$. and obviously he split because he now thinks I'm easy. the main difference between male/female....emotional and physical
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): I always find it's women who do the name calling to other women though, and then of course immature guys!! The world is just still a sexist place
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female
reader, meowmeagan +, writes (12 July 2010):
Sex is seen as a way for men to assert their manhood because society and media has dubbed male promiscuity as desirable. The more woman a man has slept with, the more admirable he is be because it seems like woman want him and as such becomes an idol to his male peers. I believe the reason woman aren't so lucky to get the same treatment is because of old habits that history has pressed on us that woman are intended to stay pure for only one man even though a man may take many lovers. It says so even in the bible. Men simply have placed themselves higher than woman based on a reason that has not socially existed for decades now. Anyone should be allowed to enjoy themselves and their bodies without persecution and regardless of their sex. You know you're not easy and that's all that matters. The only way to completely avoid being looked upon like that however is to choose a partner who is respectful to you and the things you do with each other. Until society moves forward with their acceptance of sex and its views we woman will always have to look over our shoulders.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): The reason there is a double standard is evolution, plain and simple. Men who sleep around reproduce a lot more often than men who don't. Women who sleep around do not reproduce any more than women in steady committed relationships, AND the men in town have no idea who is the father of the child so they don't wanna expend valuable resources supporting it. Nobody has to like the situation but that is what it is. Our biology shapes all our mental emotions and customs.
But I will say this, slutty men are a lot less approved-of than women always claim. And they are a lot less common than women claim.
The bottom line is that the average number of sexual partners for both men AND women is under 10. A few men are making a lot of social headlines by sleeping around but most men are not doing this. The truth is that most men do not really approve of it either. We "look the other way" more often and we even pretend to sorta approve about it sometimes. But our actions speak louder than our words and most of us are not trying to screw every woman in sight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd let me add how hard it is to Not send him a text explaining just how big of an a-hole he is.....
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (12 July 2010):
 Of course it's a double standard -- you're exactly right.
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