A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys.Could use your guidance please.Me and my ex split up about 3 months ago (he cheated on me).I still love him, but know the split was the right thing to do. I am upset about the split, but I do not hate him for it, nor am I angry at him.However, my ex is being really nasty, seems bitter, and has a unhealthy grudge against me, even though he is in a new relationship.I don't reply to his texts when he gets so angry. But I don't want to block his number.Just wondered if there is anyone who could suggest why he is being so angry and has a grudge against me, and if there is any way that I could try to let it go?
View related questions:
cheated on me, my ex, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): When I caught my ex cheating on me, I ended things. I'd been suspicious for a while and we'd had a couple of fights about her texting ex partners and sending pictures of herself to them. She swore she'd stop and proclaimed her love for me and her desire to have a baby with me. At the same time she was arranging a dirty weekend away with one of her exes.
When we broke up, I was amazed to find that I was the bad guy. My work colleagues and her family had been shown some of my texts. I'd written her a very personal letter and that had been shown to my boss! Everything was very selective and painted me in the worst light possible. She was very bitter and angry that I had dared to break up with her. She went on to cheat on her next two partners. In each case her response was the same.
I think cheaters have the idea that they are fantastic partners that anyone is lucky to be involved with. Their ego can't take it when they're dumped and then you have to be the bad guy.
There is nothing to be gained by keeping in touch with this toxic individual. Block his number/change yours. The only thing keeping is contact is doing is making you upset, so why bother? If he starts hanging around outside your house, report him to the police. You obviously still care for him and he's using that affection against you, don't let him.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 My curiosity for human behavior/psychology has got me into trouble and made me stay longer in relationships I shouldn't have. I believe the word you are looking for is narcissism. For narcissists, normal interaction and rules do not apply for them and they do not have empathy. They feel entitled to take and take. It does not appear to them that you have feelings and wants. He was just upset that he could not have the cake and eat it too. You were just an extension of him, or a tool to get what he wants.
You try to let it go by accepting that there are many unlovable people in the world. They are more like zombies and emotional vampires here to suck you dry.
...............................
A
female
reader, helpfulme +, writes (5 October 2013):
Oh dear.
I am sure the OP doesn't mean that she isn't grateful for the replies. I think what she was trying to say is that there is sometimes a nicer way of putting things, when someone is going through something painful?
Although, I do agree with the advice.
I think your ex, OP, is being horrible to you for his own reasons, but you just need to take a step back from him, and realise what he did to you was wrong, and he isn't going to change.
Maybe there was problems in the relationship that you were not aware of, to make him cheat in the first place, or maybe he is just too selfish to be in a relationship.
And maybe he is getting angry coz you aren't angry at him anymore. who knows what is going on in his head.
You just need to realise he is a waste of space, and not even worth your friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 If you want to be is friend it is STILL way to early for that. Neither of you are over each other.
Even if he "moved" on to another girl.
But by keeping in contact you BOTH prolong the animosity (from his side) and the hurt feelings (from your side).
And closure to some, is a unicorn. It just doesn't happen.
If you somehow hold on to the notion that you can "fix" him and how he talks to you, then go ahead, keep talking. I just don't see it changing.
And last but not least, he doesn't call to talk about the dog, that is just an excuse to get you "relaxed" and unaware that he is going to verbally barf on you some more.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2013):
 OP, you are kidding right ? Your question :" why is he being nasty at me ? " has been punctually and specifically ( i.e.: " because such and such... ") answered by : CMMP, peaches 123 , Starlights, Radner, Aunty Babbitt,llifton, Honeypie, and Aunty EM .( I maintain my opinion that's pointless, futile and self damaging even wasting neurons wondering why , so I deliberately choose to not focus on the why ). That makes 8 why/ because answers ! There are , I guess, about 200 more regulars on this site, - would you like to hear them all... in case they have an answer that you can accept ?
It sounds like you already have well in mind the answer you would like to hear, so, next time, just tell us what you want to be answered and we'll past and copy it back to you.
As for you being hurting- we don't doubt it, otherwise you would not be writing to DC: And since this is an advice site, I don't think it's doing you a bad turn or overstepping any bounderies if we offer you in good faith suggestions about how to stop hurting sooner, and , most of all, how not to contribute actively to your own hurt.
But if you feel that clinging to the past and hanging on psychologically nails and teeth to someone who treated you so very poorly works best for you, by any means feel free.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (5 October 2013):
 I've only just received your last post.
OK, so you're hurting and you've asked for advice.
We've explained why we think he might be hurting you but you respond with anger and aggression to us for the opinions YOU asked for.
If you know what you want (and it seems you do), and that's clearly to be friends with him, then do it and don't come on here wasting our time.
You can try and remain friends with a man who doesn't care about you and only wants to hurt you but that's your choice.
You want to stop hurting, well we've tried to advise you how to achieve that but it's not what you want to hear.
You don't want real advice on your situation, you want us to massage your ego and tell you what you want to hear. Sorry I don't do that.
I'm done.
AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (5 October 2013):
He's still trying to control you.
He wants you to be thinking about him.
However, it's not because he still loves you but because he knows you still care about him and he wants to keep hurting you.
Block his number and delete his number. If he tries to contact you through another number do not respond.
Hang up if you answer the phone and find it's him.
Delete any text that he may send from any other phone.
He will soon get the massage that he cannot get to you and he'll give up.
You deserve to be free of him. I know he's hurt you and you can't help still having loving feelings for him but it's these feelings which are allowing him to continue hurting you.
Change your number or block him and move on my darling. You deserve better than this.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't reply to him when he gets nasty.
He texts to ask how Eddie and me are doing (Eddie is our pet dog), I reply to that, as Eddie is his dog too. Its then that he turns nasty.
I did ask why he had a problem with me, he didn't respond.
I haven't responded to him for the last 2 weeks, I thought he would be bored of it by now.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 October 2013):
 Ok why is he bitter? because he's a jerk who got caught out, or maybe he thinks he was wrongly accused or maybe he's just a complete nut bar!!
Just block him or change your number, it's easy enough to do. No point working him out, because it won't change anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2013):
Because you let him? Don't answer his texts - block him and he can't be nasty to you, can he?
For whatever reason he's figured out that you can be used as a verbal punching bag rather then him taking RESPONSIBILITY for the cheating.
So it really is up to you whether you will permit this or not. If you don't - block him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually yeh, I would care to why someone would want to hurt someone else like that.....its called closure, making sense of a bad experience.
I don't get how some people on here, are answering questions to people who are hurt, and asking for advice, that people just say 'move on' and 'why do you care if he feels like that'.
Surely a site like this wouldn't exist if that was the way life is, and people just stopped caring.
People post on here coz they are hurting and need advice, not forced opinions.
And yes, I do think ex's can be friends, as I have agree friends who are also my ex's.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 October 2013):
But why are you even answering ? If you say that you don't want him back? _It's over- accept it and act consequently, which includes not answering back to his texts, or even blocking him if he got nasty already.
Don't tell me taht you want to " stay friends " with a cheater who is also angry and nasty and blames you for his faults ? Some friend !
If you are serious about wanting to move on, you'd also better stop asking yourself why he does what he does. What do you care ? what his reasons ,if he has any, could possibly contribute to your healing happiness and wellbeing ?
Why are you even curious...?
If some guy mugged you, hit you with a brick on your head and made away your wallet, do you really CARE whether he did it to spend your money on drugs, or to donate to his favourite charity ? ..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut he texts me.....i just reply (not all the time) then he starts to get angry.
Where did I say that I contact him first? I didn't, I know its over, as I ended it. And just coz I have feelings fir him still doesn't mean I want him back for him to do it again, the trust has gone.
I finished with him, and I am certainly not clinging on to him. He texts me.
the question I asked was why is he getting so nasty when he cheated on me?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 October 2013):
OP it doesn't mean you have to stop caring for him but neither does it mean you have to cling on. If he is dating someone else, why keep contact? He obviously does not want to keep contact with you so just let him go? You dodged a bullet and did the right thing.
Yes you can still care about him but let the focus be on you. If you arnt communicating with him, he cannot be nasty to you can he?
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (5 October 2013):
 @CMMP
I never said communication ALONE solves issues, I said "communication solves issues."
Whatever FORM that communication takes will help the poster of this question with her choice to walk away from this relationship which is clearly hurting or to choose to stay and find out why he is so bitter and angry (more likely at himself) in order to move on with her life. She has rights to her answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2013):
I agree with Auntie Babbit and wanted to add..
YOU took him of the pedestal and you showed him HE wasn't worth the hassle. Nobody likes that. My guess is, he ALSO blames you for him cheating - it was all your fault somehow.. and last but not least, he is making you out to be the "psycho" to his new GF.
BLOCK his cheating ass, you have NOTHING to gain by keeping in contact. Nothing. PUT him in the past, let him go. STOP trying to talk to him or reason with him. Stop wasting your time on him, focus on YOU and YOUR future.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 October 2013):
 What aunty babbit said exactly. she's spot on. You dumped him. He lost control over you. He can't stand it, so he's lashing out. Simple as that.
Now, this man only has as much control over you as you allow. If he's constantly being nasty to you, stop responding to him and tell him why. or do actually block him. Eventually he will get the point.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
@Starlights:
Communication is essential, but it doesn't always solve issues. Some problems are fundamental and just can't be talked through.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (4 October 2013):
He cheated on you, but got caught out and lost you!
I think he's angry at himself (not for the act but for getting caught) but projecting it onto you because you ended the relationship and he lost his control over you.
Your ex is blaming you for the split not himself for causing it. His failure to accept responsibility for his failure as your boyfriend shows what an immature, self centred person he is.
My concern is why the hell should you still care how he feels? Did he care about how you would feel when he had sex with someone else?
You say that he's in a relationship, well it didn't take him long to move on did it? He clearly has total disregard for your feelings and you say you still have feelings for him!
Well, he's not trying to win you back, my darling, he's venting his nasty, controlling temper at you and you're letting him.
Delete and block his number. Better still change yours. Stop taking his calls. Remind yourself how appallingly he's treated you and let that love go.
Live your life, go out and have some fun and in time you will meet a man who will not betray you and be worthy of your love.
I wish you well.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am being honest....i ended it coz he had cheated, not coz I stopped loving him. Yes I have replied to afew of his messages, but then he turns nasty.
At the end of the day HE cheated on me, and yet I seem to be treated as im in the wrong.
I cannot go back to him knowing he cheated on me, but it doesn't mean I have stopped caring for him. So yeah, him being nasty to me does hurt.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): It's some weird personality disorder thing. Cheaters...at least guys who have cheated on me, always get angry and make their spouse/girlfriend pay for their bad behavior.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): I think it is an unhealthy defense mechanism where instead of excepting blame for his actions, he projects the fault onto you, though I do not know the whole story.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 October 2013):
Be honest...are you contacting him at all? either by text, e-mail on FB or other social networking site?
I know you said you don't reply to his angry texts, but what about other times? Do you contact him first?
Him having an unhealthy grudge and being nasty to you...well he'd only be able to do that if you were in contact with him and really there is no reason for him to be in contact unless you are calling him or messaging him first?
The fact that you are still so in love with him and willing to forgive his cheating might mean you are still bugging him in the hopes he will rekindle with you...but he's moved on, hasn't he?...so why would he waste time and energy getting all angry at you...unless you are stirring the pot.
Accept the relationship is over, cut the contact and move on. The more you cling, the angrier he will get...
So are you contacting him?
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
Because he has the emotional maturity of a baby, that's why.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut I didn't do anything wrong....he was the one who cheated.
I have tried to talk to him but he gets angry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (4 October 2013):
He's cheated on you for a reason and his anger issues stem from that! If he's being nasty and bitter it means he hasnt forgiven you for your part in the relationship.
Why dont you ask him what his issue is? Communication solves issues.
If not and it continues maybe you should reevaluate if you want some nasty, cheating, bitter and unhealthy man in your life to pull you down.
Goodluck!
...............................
|
