A
male
age
30-35,
*Fenix
writes:My Ex Gf and I have lived together for 18 months. We’ve supported ourselves this entire time, paying the electric bills, insurance, groceries, etc We broke up a month ago. For domestic reasons she has chosen to still live with me, despite the break up. She has limited options and a lack of maternal support (mother and grandmother) and has lived an unsettled life and faced much social disadvantage in her life. Her sister has endured the same difficult life and came to live with us too, initially when their mother’s drug taking was out of control.. My ex worries about her sister a lot. We have agreed to continue to live in the same home. We both work nearby and she also attends school nearby. When she does have maternal contact it invariably leaves her distressed. She does know I love her and I tell her this often. I don’t understand though that she seems to show more compassion for people who treat her like ^^^^t. Like her jealous backstabbing best (female) friend.The break up was very distressing for me, but she seemed unmoved by my reaction and she made it clear that her mind was made up. I told her I needed her and loved her. Arguments between us have escalated since the break-up, mainly about some of the guys she has been hanging out with. Her reason for the break up was she said she “wants different things out of life”. I want a long term committed relationship. She does not. She cares about her future. I do too, but that leaves her unmoved. She still wants to break up. She has never lived in one place for very long. Certainly not as long as 18 months.For a while after the break up I gave her some space and left to stay with her Uncle. He gave me advice to be nice to her, but ignore her and allow her time to come back, if she wants to.I also talked to her father, who she has had little to do with in the past, though he recently reunited with his daughter. He gave me the same advice as her Uncle. Both men told me to concentrate on me and my needs. During that time I got my Driver’s Licence. I know she has started to talk to her father every day, so it feels good getting advice from him.After coming home I did exactly what they both men told me to do. If she wanted to talk she had to come to me, and she did. Although I often denied my love by being non-committal. I did this to protect myself from more hurt. I did not want her to know how much I hurt inside over this break up. Nothing I did seemed to bring us closer.One day I decided to come here to DC and post a question out of curiosity. I got a lot of answers, and I liked one answer and sought additional advice from that poster who I will call DC. The DC gave me some advice which I thought was better because they gave advice that was different from everything I had been hearing, It was really good advice. The DC suggested I be honest with my ex. Accept my ex’s offers for a lift in her car, if she offered. My ex and I started talking more, and interacting to the point where my ex started asking awkward personal questions. Such as, “ did I think about the good times we have had together?”Another night I was flirting with my ex; I asked her if she missed me. Her reply was “I don’t want my answer to complicate things, it makes me nervous.” I was intrigued but I didn’t press for an answer. Then she left to see a film with her sister.I made dinner for us to have together, once she arrived back after the film.She said she does miss me and still loves me but it isn’t going to change her mind and she doesn’t want it to confuse me and complicate things, she also said she needs to go through the motions and the healing process. The DC’s advice was to write a heart-felt written letter, telling her all the things she means to me. I did, and I had it printed and personalized with “With all my love, (My name)” before she got home from being with her sister. I gave her the note and asked her to read it the next day when she had free time. She has since refused to read the note. The next day she came into my room to take one of my shirts and she has been wearing my shirt since then. Not sure what that means. Later, when she wanted to go to her father’s home, I carried out the luggage. The note was still there, unread, so I put the note on top of the luggage in the car. She got out the car and kissed me and hugged me. I don’t think my Gf (now ex) read the note. My question is, why is she pushing me away? Why is she seeking me out only to reject me again? I offer her love and stability. In the pasts she talked about a time when we might have children together, in the future. Until recently I thought she loved me. What advice would you give me?
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broke up, ex girlfriend, flirt, grandmother, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (26 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to note that everything did go well, and i feel like it got to the point to where (I feel like, but not sure) we were flirting physically without really saying anything, like she would purposely bump me with her hip or elbow and at one point she was leaning on me, like I would be behind her and she would kinda fall back into me.At another point she told me I had a cute face and one time she had started laughing and when I asked her what was funny and she responded that she was about to pat my butt (something she used to do when we were going out)Ofcourse I take it as flirting but I dont know what she considers it or what exactly is going on right now.We got home at like 9:30 AM in the morning and she went to bed, but later around 2:00 pm she sent me a text from the other room asking if I was up, but I didnt respond cause I was still asleep. But for the rest of the day I felt like she didnt acknowledge me and ignored me a little, not that I purposely interacted with her, but whenever I walked into the a room where she was.I dont know if this is a girl tactic or whatever but maybe someone could show some insight.
A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Thats very positive all the very best hun!!
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (24 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldnt do that, Black Friday shopping is dangerous especially by yourself.
I'll go and I'll try to have fun.
But nothing too personal between me and her.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (24 November 2011):
Yeah overthinking! exactly.You are doin what comes naturally leave her with it and if she comes back well ok if she doesn,t you will have to move on. She isn,t worth getting upset over when she plays mind games with you.Its good you don,t want to take her shopping and maybe you should let her go on her own!
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (24 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont want to take her shopping, nor should I buy her anything.
Another thing I should probably avoid is her asking other relationship questions like she did before, Yeah?
I definetly wont be asking questions either if I want her to miss me enough to come back to me. What is it you mean trying to hard?
Overthinking?
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (23 November 2011):
If you want to take her shopping then go. Treat it for what it is just shopping!Its good when it doesn,t feel awkward. Don,t pressure her into saying anything she isn,t saying herself.You are trying to hard.
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (23 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow, we were supposed to go black friday shopping with my Mother now she has to do something else now its just me and my ex and o would hate to be rude and tell her i dont wanna go cause of her nor do i want her going out at 3am by herself. this is an awkward situation
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (23 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is I never know when its good, cause if anything she'll ask those awkward question like
"If I ever go to do something me and her have done before and then remember the times me and her have had"
It was only out of pressure that I got her to tell me she misses me and still loves me, otherwise she wont open up to me, but she will come and talk tome frequently about anything like school and work.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (23 November 2011):
I think you should not give her all the attention she seeks when it comes down to giving you mixed messages. She actually doesnot know what she wants but has found that she enjoys having you running after her when she gives you a bad vibe .Don,t do it. Only respond when the feelin is good!
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (22 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer father had told me was to, "Worry about myself, let her come to me if she wants to talk, go out do my own thing, be happy, dont mope around the house and show her im happy. And eventually she will come back to me."Now he doesnt tell me to ignore her, He thinks I acknowledge her, and before i started getting advice from "The DC advisor" she was coming to me and talking to me without me going to her.So do you think I should completly ignore her and kind of deflect her trying to make small talk without being rude about it or follow what her father said, and talk to he when she comes to me?
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (22 November 2011):
This is true NFENIX you cannot be her puppy dog you are much better than that.Teach her a lesson and let her go. She has lost a nice lad!
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (22 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe didnt take a shirt. she returned a shirt that I never knew she had taken and then told me she wore it when I was away cause she missed me
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (22 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the question mammaboo: your response is exactly what her uncle told me, he said"She knows that you still love her and that you are somewhat desperate for her love and attention. She holds all the chips. When she wants to be around you, she can. When she doesn't, she will constantly remind you that she needs to go through this process of a breakup"
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (22 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLucysFlowers, Her friend doesnt live near us, she lives almost an hour away, but when A got kicked out of her house she moved up to her Grandmothers house, which is how I met her. After me and A broke up I asked her best friend something in confidence. She didnt answer my question but went back to A and told her. I wouldnt say she wants to be like her mother either, but my current 'thing' is to answer why she is doing this.K_C100;A has only 3 friends, she hasn't been surrounded by people all her life and like I said she's constantly moved. Except for her jealous friend the other 2 live in different states. I feel if she missed the physical contact she wouldn't have gone back to her father and told him how much she missed me. Like I said, neither of us can move out, its not an option.
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (22 November 2011):
Sounds like she loves for you to be chasing her. She is a bit of a drama queen. Ignore her for a while and see what comes of it. She is playing with your heart strings,don,t allow this. Tell her you need a break from all this up and down emotion!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 November 2011):
 What advice would I give you? Move out and move on. You cannot keep living with your ex, simple as that. It is only going to make everything more complicated and hurt both of you. I know exactly what this girl is doing, in fact I did the exact same to a couple of my ex's and it really isnt fair. She ended the relationship and she has stuck to her guns, so it is final - she has ended it and the time when she might have wanted you back has passed, it really is final, she doesnt want to be with you anymore. However she does miss the physical closeness a relationship brings, she misses the company....basically she is lonely and misses the relationship. But please be clear - she misses being in a relationship, not YOU. They are 2 very seperate things, a relationship can be with anyone and that is what she is missing, not you as a person.I know this might be harsh, and as I said before I have done this exact same thing to a couple of my ex's. It is a common behaviour of a young girl (i.e. around the age of 18-22) because they lack maturity and struggle being alone. The reason why girls often do this is because they havent figured out who they are as a person yet, and they are unable to cope very well with being alone as they havent figured themselves out. Us girls spend so many years as teeangers wanting boyfriends and purusing relationships that we dont allow ourselves to develop as an individual, so by the time you get to 18/19/20/21 you realise that you havent had any time alone, you dont know who you are and it hits you like a tonne of bricks that you have no idea what you want from life. So whichever unfortunate guy is with the girl at the time (in this case you) they get dumped because the girl has the realisation that a) she has never been alone before and wonders what else is out there b) she doesnt know what she wants from life but knows it isnt the guy she is with now. I'm sorry it had to be you that ended up being treated like this, you sound like a nice guy. What she 100% doesnt want right now is love and stability, she isnt able to offer you either of those things - she needs to spend time alone and figure herself out. I know its hard to imagine that when she is being so hot and cold with you, but as I said before she will miss the comfort of a relationship hence why she will be coming back to you every now and then for comfort - you are like her safety blanket, she knows you love her and she knows you will be there for her so she knows she can fall on you whenever she needs to. What you need to do is pull the blanket away from her and stop letting this behaviour continue, hence why one of you needs to move out - you will keep going round in circles unless you get out of there. I have lived with an ex once after the break up, that went on for nearly 6 months because of a rental contract and neither of us could really move on until we moved out, it made everything so much harder and I will admit, I kept going back to him every time I needed a bit of comfort but I had no intention of ever getting back with him. This is exactly what your ex-girlfriend is doing to you, so you need to stop this immediately otherwise it will drag out the pain. I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, LucysFlowers  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 If she has plenty of shirts, yet she borrowed your shirt and went around wearing it, that sounds like she wants to be close to you but she is conflicted. what about her jealous girlfreind? could she be encouraging your girlfriend to split up with you just to get herslef closer to you? because your girlfriend sounds lieke someone is advising her that she should dump you but she does not want to. She gets out the car to hug and kiss you. A girl does that when she is sad that she is going to miss you.Perhaps she is someone who thinks you are too good to be true when she has not met someone as nice as you befroe. If she drops you she is going to get a real shock and find that not all other boys out there are as responsible as you. Dont sit home getting sad but dont listen to any stupid guys who tell you to go and check out every girl you see. That would give her jealous bitchy friend ammunition to be able to say, "look he's a womaniser"But if her bitchy jealous friend comes on to you then you might have identified the snake in the grass who has been advising her to dump you. I think give her six months and your girlfriend may realise she made a wrong decision.But if your girlfriend is feeling the pull of wanting to be like her mother then I think you will have to distance yourself from you as it would destroy you to see your beloved girlfriend mess up her life like that.Keep youself fit while your girl friend is busy doing her thing so she is constantly reminded of your fit body every time she passes you in the hall. I am sure you can work out some ways to do some subtle flirting without touching. if she starts to come back to you don't push her away like she is pushing you away. She knows you are the one but something or someone is stopping her from facing the truth.
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