A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so I'd like to ask what to do as I was told awhile ago my partner was taking people home after work, not work colleagues shes taking men back to there home after her shift and she works in a pub. The pubs closing time is 12am midnight but shes not been coming home till 2am, I have spoke to her about this but it always blows up into a big argument then she tells me she doesn't take anybody home anymore, so I did something I never wanted to do but did it, I placed an old phone under the car seat with the voice recorder running low and behold i hear another man in the car, so I have kept recording over the last week and shes still taking people home, i asked her again if she was taking ppl home after her shift and shes denying it and she swore on the kids lives and on her dads grave she wasnt taking people home, always says I have trust issues but I was told by a family friend she was doing this and I have these recordings of her and over men in the car, how can I trust her after this what do I do? should I confront her? shes lieing to me and I dont know why, been together 18years I still love her and she has told me she still wants me and loves me, is she using me?.Also like to mention my dad went through the same thing, my mum would go out every week while my dad would stay home to look after us kids he never got a chance to go out, my mum would also bring men back with her from the pub and take them to her mums house my dad saw this, and I feel like I'm living a similar live to my dad, I have spoke and told my partner this but she just says I should trust her. i dont know what to do next. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (28 January 2022):
 To start with where do you see this relationship going. Its been 18 years now, and nothing seems to have progressed, and she still has her own place.
I think if she was just taking drunks home, or a colleague she works with she would have been upfront and told the truth. The fact that she is having to lie about it say's that she is up to no good.
I don't agree with secretly recording people without them knowing, however you have done it, and i think what you have recorded never really told you anything. I think that maybe if you had of placed it in her house somewhere then more of what was going on might have been achieved.
I think that the trust has gone, trust is the most important factor that holds a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
You are going to forever have this mistrust for her now, always suspecting her, always thinking she is up to no good, and these feeling are unhealthy, and will eventually make you ill.
I think if it was me i would consider walking away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): I believe, if you're bold enough to spy on your partner; you should be bold enough to confront them and present your evidence.
It makes no sense to go so far as to go all PI on somebody, secretly recording them, interrogating them; and then cross-examining them, but withholding your evidence once you've confirmed they're lying to you. What's up with that?!! Put-up or shut-up! You're goading yourself into losing your temper, becoming uncontrollably aggressive, and going much further than you should!
If she realizes how much it upsets you, the question is, why would she continue to do this? Late at night, with men from the pub; and then not confessing that she's doing it. It kills all trust, and it heightens all suspicions that she's up to no-good. It's hard to prove and maintain our innocence, when we act secretively and dubiously. She can call them a Lyft, cab, or an Uber. That's what most bar managers or bartenders do. That's as far as their responsibility goes. Giving personal cab or limo service is going far beyond the call. You don't know what a intoxicated-man might try to do, when you're a woman and alone. Plus your boyfriend has made it abundantly clear to you that he doesn't like you doing it. Were the situation reversed, I doubt you'd be able to talk your way out of it. There's always the typical hypocrisy when the shoe is on the other foot. Because we men can't control our sexual-urges. That logic would strengthen your argument even more!
You've gone overboard to prove her a liar; so present your evidence. Once you have, what are you going to do about it??? It makes no sense to set somebody up, and keep cornering them into lying. What's the point? What's to be gained?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2022):
 The question you should be asking yourself is why you are putting up with this when you believe you have proof of her infidelity. Is it a "familiar" scenario, given that your mother used to do the same to your father? Sometimes people repeat their parents' mistakes, thinking they do not deserve better.
If I was to hazard a guess, I would say your partner is doing this because she can and because she knows there will be no serious consequences, like you dumping her.
You've been together 18 years. Why have you not got married? Why does she still have her own house? What future do you see in this relationship? All questions you should be asking yourself (in my opinion).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2022):
 Is she driving home people that are too drunk to drive themselves or is she going HOME with men to "knock boots"?
It could be both, it could be either.
You know she is doing it, as you have proof.
So asking WHY she is lying is pointless.
She is lying because she doesn't want to "rock the boat".
YOU have to decide if you are OK with this or not, and then let her know what you choose to do next.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (27 January 2022):
 So she lies to your face and emotionally manipulate you into trusting her. That’s kind of disgusting to be honest, not gonna lie. Even if she hasn’t done anything wrong with these men, the point is she’s lying about it. And that for me at least, automatically counts as a dealbreaker. If she had said yes, I’m taking them, but they’re my friends and I have no bad intentions, at least she would’ve been being honest. And she’s lying about this, what else might she be lying about? What else might she lie about? Do you really want to be living a life for you looking over your shoulder and you’re constantly in doubt? I think you should just come out and be honest and tell her you’ve got the recordings and that you obviously can’t trust her. You’ve given her too many chances already to tell the truth and she hasn’t. I would walk away to be honest
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