A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have two sons. John who is 39 years old and Rob who is 37 years old. I always thought that my sons were close. Rob is gay and has been officially together for 12 years (dating for five years, married for 7 years). But they have been friends since middle school. Rob's husband is Joe. When John was in his twenties, he started dating a girl who he ended up marrying a few years ago. When they started dating, John wasn't that good with money. This is when both of my sons still lived at home. On a few occasions, John would go into Rob's bedroom and take money. John always hope to pay it back before Rob realize the money was missing but Rob always noticed the money was missing. The last time that this happened was about ten years ago. Rob lost his temper and yelled at John for stealing from him. John got defensive and said some things he shouldn't have said (homophobe type of stuff). The next day, while my husband, my brother and John was at work, Rob and Joe took the day off and moved all of Rob's stuff into Joe's house. John and Rob have not talked since. John have tried to talked things out but Rob refuses to even talk to John. John invited both Rob and Joe to his wedding and the invitation was returned with the note saying "We will not be attending your wedding". When Rob and Joe got married, John and his wife was not invited. Is there anything that my husband and I can do to help our sons repair their relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): It sounds like Rob has a very happy and content life without his brother. I understand it may hurt you that they don't speak but you need to think of their happiness. John may miss his brother etc but he only has himself to blame. From what you have described, John doesn't seem able to acknowledge that his stealing and homophobic language crossed the line.
I have to ask, was he ever 'punished' for this so to speak? Did you and your husband ever tell him that the stealing was wrong and that his language was that of a narrow minded bigot?
If not then I suspect that hasn't helped Rob to feel any better about it all.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2022):
 As a parent I can easily how much this situation between your sons hurts you. You just want them to make up and be brothers again. Sadly ad they are adults you can not force them to kiss and make up. Both of them behaved badly in different ways and both have to live with their decisions. I have only one sibling,a sister,and she has done some pretty crappy things to me but I love her and want her in my life so I have always forgiven and turned the other cheek. sometimes people just wont forgive.
I would recommend that you and your husband stay out of it. I truly think you could make thi gs worse trying to help. If you are spiritual then pray for them that they make ammends before its too late. Love them both and hope that they come to their senses. My ex husbands father and uncle did not speak for over 10 years ovef owning a business together. The brother stole money from it and lied about it. I am not sure how but thry did reconcile and not long after the brother found out he had lung cancer and died within 6 momths. My ex father in law could necver forgive himself for all the years wasted not making up but at least they did make up before it wad too late.
I pray your sons will find a way back to each other. I can imagine how much this hurts you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2022):
As a parent I can easily how much this situation between your sons hurts you. You just want them to make up and be brothers again. Sadly ad they are adults you can not force them to kiss and make up. Both of them behaved badly in different ways and both have to live with their decisions. I have only one sibling,a sister,and she has done some pretty crappy things to me but I love her and want her in my life so I have always forgiven and turned the other cheek. sometimes people just wont forgive.
I would recommend that you and your husband stay out of it. I truly think you could make thi gs worse trying to help. If you are spiritual then pray for them that they make ammends before its too late. Love them both and hope that they come to their senses. My ex husbands father and uncle did not speak for over 10 years ovef owning a business together. The brother stole money from it and lied about it. I am not sure how but thry did reconcile and not long after the brother found out he had lung cancer and died within 6 momths. My ex father in law could necver forgive himself for all the years wasted not making up but at least they did make up before it wad too late.
I pray your sons will find a way back to each other. I can imagine how much this hurts you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 January 2022):
As a parent I can easily how much this situation between your sons hurts you. You just want them to make up and be brothers again. Sadly ad they are adults you can not force them to kiss and make up. Both of them behaved badly in different ways and both have to live with their decisions. I have only one sibling,a sister,and she has done some pretty crappy things to me but I love her and want her in my life so I have always forgiven and turned the other cheek. sometimes people just wont forgive.
I would recommend that you and your husband stay out of it. I truly think you could make thi gs worse trying to help. If you are spiritual then pray for them that they make ammends before its too late. Love them both and hope that they come to their senses. My ex husbands father and uncle did not speak for over 10 years ovef owning a business together. The brother stole money from it and lied about it. I am not sure how but thry did reconcile and not long after the brother found out he had lung cancer and died within 6 momths. My ex father in law could necver forgive himself for all the years wasted not making up but at least they did make up before it wad too late.
I pray your sons will find a way back to each other. I can imagine how much this hurts you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): This has to be hashed-out between brothers. Pray for their reconciliation. There has to be consequences for our actions; and you can push people to their breaking-point. Enough is enough. Deep-down inside, you know they still love each-other; but this is unfortunately a matter of principle. It was forgiven before; but respect was discarded, feelings were hurt, and boundaries were crossed.
The Bible says the tongue has the power of life and death. What flies out of the mouth in anger cannot be taken back once it hits the target's ears. No matter how sorry you are, the damage is done. It may be a lot more seriously hurtful than you thought it would be. Vicious things said by someone you love can be a stab to the heart. You may forgive, but it still may leave a deep scar. The Lord commands we forgive, but we can sometimes do more harm than good when we try to force people to forgive before they're ready.
Back-off! The more you interfere, the more they'll dig-in their heels. It's their issue to resolve. They are two grown-men. If you pray, leave it to God to divinely intervene; event's can change at any moment to correct the matter. God is sovereign, and works in His own time. Not ours! You and your husband can only attempt to make peace; but when all attempts fail, that's an indication you should leave it entirely in God's hands.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 January 2022):
 I can understand how painful it must be for you and your husband that your two sons do not speak. However, they are both adults and Rob has more than one good reason not to want to speak to his brother. Not only did John steal from him but he also verbally abused him over his sexuality.
Your sons are both adults and entitled to make their choices in life. You may not always agree with them but they are their choices to make and you may have to accept that they may never speak again.
Perhaps you could speak to Rob's husband and ask him if there is anything which would persuade Rob to speak to his brother again. If not, then you need to step back and accept that shit happens and sometimes we can't fix it, much as we might want to.
I am sorry. It must be difficult for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2022):
 We all have our limits.
I think you and your husband should stay out of it. Rob has set some rather firm boundaries and CHOSEN to go no contact with his brother. IF he at some point CHOOSES to talk to him again, then THAT is his choice.
John not only stole from him (doesn't matter that he had "planned" to put the money back before Rob noticed) If he needed a LOAN he could have used his words and ASKED - either Rob or you. He made the CHOICE to steal.
And when he got caught he verbally abused his brother with derogatory language.
John showed his true colors. And Rob decided to believe what John had said and then CUT him out. My guess is that you tried in the past to minimize John's actions to Rob so Rob decided to not have anything to do with his brother. If you did you also minimized Rob's feelings. And you want Rob to just rug sweep it?
I can totally understand that it HURTS your heart to see your "kids" not get along anymore. But I think Rob had/had good reason to not want John in his life.
I think the ball is 100% in Rob's court. And that you have to accept that he might NEVER pick it up.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 January 2022):
 Sounds a lot like making and enforcing healthy boundaries. We encourage people to do that.
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