A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMy girlfriend has been demanding we exchange email passwords as a mutual good faith gesture of trust. Her ex let her have his and she says if I have nothing to hide I'd do the same.While I have nothing to hide, I am uncomfortable with the idea. I told her I don't like the idea of being snooped on, that some semblance of privacy is acceptable in a non-married relationship, and that its a false sense of security when her ex could've had a hundred email accounts she didn't know of. What say you?
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female
reader, Cool Cucumber  +, writes (7 February 2007):
 She has no right to ask you for your password...it's like asking you for your PIN's for your bank cards...
The issue here is not about whether you have anything to hide or not, the issue here is that she has issues she needs to deal with!! If she can't face up to her own insecurities in time she will suffocate you and the relationship, this is just the begginning, she will probably then want to know where you are ALL the time, who you are with etc. Can you live in a relationship like this? Sorry to sound harsh, I hope she can sort her problem with trusting out and that together you will make the relationship work.
Take care, all the best.
A
male
reader, Blue Rat +, writes (7 February 2007):
I'm sorry but giving each other your email passwords isn't a good faith gesture of trust at all. Quite the opposite in fact - it shows a lack of trust and a need to be able to keep an eye on you and what you might be up to. Spying, basically, so why stop at email? Perhaps she'd like to read your bank statements and open your post too? Screen your phone calls maybe?
And anyway,as you say, if you were the devious, deceitful type, you could give her the password to an email account and easily have other accounts that she knows nothing about, so it doesn't even serve the purpose she thinks.
Even within a close relationship, you're entitled to privacy, you know. And you're entitled to some trust or your relationship has no chance. As long as you return the same levels of trust, and are both worthy of it then you'll have a good foundation.
I think she must have some insecurities based on past experience, but she can't import those into your relationship and dump them on you when you say you've not done anything to earn her suspicions.
Tell her no.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): If you have nothing to hide, then give her your password. This will be the first step in earning her trust. She has obviously been hurt before due to infidelity or something similar, so it is up to you (if you love her and want to stay with her) to show you by your actions that she can trust you.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (7 February 2007):
 (more to my answer... i clicked the "enter" too soon! sorry!)
if she has no reason to be so insequre with you, then she obviously has some issues she hasn't worked on yet, and going to a counslor/theripist might be the only way for her to learn to handle life and relationships. Though it may seem silly, going to a relationship counslour together could help sort through this problem, and help prevent any future ones. I am sure you have tried telling and convencing her many times already that she has no reason to not trust you, so it seems like a relationship counslor might be the only way to sort through it all.
please ask her why she dosun't trust you, and keep asking untill you can get an answer. as said, perhaps its because you have female friends, or maybe you flirt with other girls?, or perhaps have a wandering eye.... i don't know... i hope that all it is is just that she had bad experiences in the past (even though that seems like a bad thing to say!) because otherwise i'm afraid that she might just have a very controlling personality and obviosuly nothing you could ever do would then help her insequrites (only she can work on that).
best wishes..... i hope it all turns out fine
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (7 February 2007):
I think your g/f is very insequre.... has she ever been cheated on in the past? or have her parents or people close to her been cheated on? If so, this may be why she seems so insistent. I agree with you that things like exchangeing passwords seems crazy, weither married or not privecy and trust are important. Have you given her any reason to be suspicious? This could just be from haveing female friends, even if you would never cheat or want to be with them instead of your g/f. She is also being very manipulitive (if you have nothing to hide..... etc, my last bf let me... etc) and controlling. If she is naturaly like this, this will deff. cause many future problems in your relationship (which she will undoubtably twist the situation around to blame you for). She could perhaps become possisive and extremly jeoulus, and not want you to go anywhere without her knowing where it is and who your're with, etc, or to not even hang out with your friends, etc. I don't know... i just have a bad feeling in my gutt about this... like your're about to enter an abusive relationship (perhaps only mentally, but this is still not good for yourself and esteem, etc). If she has reasons to doubt though, like being cheated on before and such, then i'd feel better giveing her some slack, but i don't think you should have to give into her demands, esspically since she's trying to guilt you into it, etc. If its going to cause a huge problem, it might be better to give her your password, but i hope it dousn't have to get to that. Deff. look out for any other signs of her being overly controling, manipulitive, or unreasonable about very strange or little things. If it continues and gets worse, please get out of this relationship before its too late..... i'm sorry if i'm seeming a bit extream, but like i said, i just don't feel good about this.
I would feel just as uncomfertable as you do if my b/f asked me too, and i certinitly have nothing to hide nor have ever cheated on anyone i was in a relationship with! Perhaps letting her see your e-mail once in a while to show you have nothing to hide would help? I don't know though, this just dousnt seem like a good start for a relationship. And even though you were trying to show her how it dosunt really matter if she has your e-mail password or not since soemone could have many diffrent e-mail accounts, this could deff. have made her more insequre.
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