A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started to fall for my fwb, and when I told him, he said ok we should stop. I cried a bit and he said sorry but he just doesn't see us as anything more than friends. I have begrudgingly accepted this...it is very hard to get over him, because we were great goofy friends for a year before we hooked up, but sex changed our friendship, he stopped inviting me to lunch, calling, texting, we'd simply meet up after work and do the deed, than he'd leave. It would break my heart and so I had to tell him I was in love with him, because I thought what the heck, we were so cool before we got naked, right?? Wrong! He was nice and kind when he told me he didn't feel the same way, ugh. This was a month ago. I am not dating anyone and in no rush. Just hanging out with friends and traveling to visit family for holidays...going to work, and gym, figuring out ways to get him out of my mind. Today out of the blue, he called and asked if i'd be his workout buddy. WTF!!!! I was so happy to hear from him and he told me how he missed our easy friendship from before and would really like trying to get it back. No sex, but he missed me and just really needs a friend. I don't know what to do? I told him my feelings had not changed and he asked me to please think about our friendship. Why is sex so easy and emotionless for guys??
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I hate to say it, but when you agree to a FWB situation, don't expect it to evolve from there, because the intent and the boundaries are not anything other than a physical, sexual relationship. I see these as 2 adults, being friend, but what the hell, needing a little every now and again.
You allowed your emotions cross those boundaries. I won't say you're wrong to feel as you do, but to expect the same from him in this type of arrangement isn't necessarily wrong, but you can't be upset at him when it doesn't work the way you had hoped. You both treasure your friendship. It sounds like you are good friends. Who knows, down the road his emotions may change too. I find often when this happens, it's not that the other person doesn't care, it's that they are not necessarily ready for what they other one is looking for.
I'd say, be friend. You know, good friends are hard to find. Don't let this ruin what could be a wonderful friendship, then down the road???? Leave that open and face it if it comes time to.
A
male
reader, Hoodzie  +, writes (7 January 2011):
Women,never have sex with a male friend, to him it will be more less than masturbation especially if he has no feeling but the guy feels guilty so he wants the friendship back so give him a chance and try to put it in your mind that he doesnt love you it helps to ease the feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Well, more likely than not, he wants the sex back, but remember what you are getting back, its sex without commitment, and you can't read his mind...so don't assume anything.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 January 2011):
Hi there. In hindsight, it's a shame you went and spoiled your friendship by having sex. But never mind, that's history now, so can't be undone.
Unfortunately, often men can have straight out sex, but with no emotional ties. Because you were already good friends before that point, in his mind, you still were. The sex didn't transcend him to the love stage. It's not uncommon.
I realize that doesn't help you, but sometimes it does happen and it can be heartbreaking and frustrating for women, I know.
I realize you still like him (and in love with him), but try to put that aside, for the sake of regaining your friendship. It's nice that he asked you to join him at the gym. Obviously, he still thinks of you as the friend to him that you were previously. So that's a start.
But so you don't blow it this time, please DON'T jump into the sack with him again. Let your friendship grow a bit and see how things go from hereon in. You just never know.
If you do have sex with him again, you and him will just always be FWB, and nothing more. I know that you want more than that.
The unfortunate thing about FWB relationships, is they can go on for months or even years, just as long as the girl keeps on saying "yes" - it's just too easy for a guy, there's no challenge to him whatsoever.
Men like to have to work before they get paid (so to speak), like for instance taking a girl out to nice places - dinner, a show, the movies, picnics etc. - and to generally spend some money on the girl, as well as treat her very well and with respect.
With FWB's there's no spending of money by the guy at all, no going out - except maybe to his place perhaps - then he either takes you home, or you make your own way home. It's a pretty shallow, meaningless liaison really. Then after a short time, it just becomes a habit - you both meet up for sex, and that's all.
Then over time with the FWB's, there comes a time where the guy DOES want a real relationship with a woman, for keeps (marriage, mortgage, children the works), and before you know it, he's ended the FWB and met "Miss Right", so it's all over with you - just like that. It's shattering!
You don't want that for yourself, you deserve better.
So yes, take him up on the offer - but without any expectations - and be a friend to him, but also have your own life as well with your own friends and your own independence.
Also, sometimes if he asks you out or to see you, be unavailable (even if you are free), just to keep him on his toes a bit. Be a little unpredictable - men like that, it presents a bit of a challenge to them. You just don't want to always be free for him, as it can make a woman look desperate and needy - not a good look.
He needs to know that you are not sitting around at home just waiting for him to call you. You must not let him think that. He needs to know that you do have a life of your own, and that you are an interesting person who is very worthwhile getting to know more.
When you do see him again at the gym, please DON'T even mention being in love with him - keep that part to yourself. Even if he did ask you, don't go there at all - it will definitely spoil things for you.
And no matter how tempting it might be to want to have sex with him, just don't do it. Even if he asks you to, politely say "No", that it doesn't feel right to you now. Mention that you don't want to spoil your friendship.
If over several months, he did start to actually take you out on dates - nice restaurants, shows, picnics etc. - and treating you like a lady and with respect, then and only then, consider if you are ready to have sex with him. Then it will be a whole different ball game - once you both genuinely care about each other. It won't be FWB then, it will be a real life relationship. Something very positive indeed.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I don't think it is a good idea to continue your friendship with him while you still have feelings for him. You will feel weak when you will be with him again and if he ask you again for some sexual benefits you may give in for you have feelings, then again you will hurt yourself. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF.By the way, if he thinks of you as his friend and a great friend, why would he take you advantage of you? Know what is best for you. Don't settle for anything less. Men are different than women. For men, they can do sex without emotions...it is just what they are ( i feel so).
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A
male
reader, brainoftheg +, writes (7 January 2011):
i think you need to learn how to make this guy fall in love with you. dont give him sex anymore at all just friendship what he asked for... don't tell him you love him anymore... get a boyfriend and this will make him jealous and he will start wanting you. he will eventually say i lve you ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I think he was just using you for sex which is what fwb are really about for the most part.
Just tell him not to contact you anymore, he probably just wants more sex.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Well the most basic way to explain it is, they don't produce as much of the hormones during sex that makes us bond. And what of it that they do produce is canceled out by testosterone.
It's really just biology.
Biology sucks, I Know.
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