A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My son is 21 years old and gay (although this situation could apply to a straight person as well). He left home in the spring to move up to a resort about 2 hrs north of the city we live in. He decided mid-summer that he was going to take a year off university and remain at the resort so he could make enough money to pay his tuition for the next 2 years, as well as pay off debt he incurred while living with his boyfriend, who he broke up with after 6 months (they moved in together after knowing each other for 6 months...he cheated on his boyfriend at the time with this guy).Fast forward to now. At the end of August my son told me that a guy he had met on an online dating site in July had gotten a job at the resort with my son. 3 days after this guy moved out to the resort, my son contacted me and told me that he was smitten with this guy and they were living together in one of the staff cottages. He also told me that he was bringing his new boyfriend home to meet me last week. After spending a day with the 2 of them, I wondered to myself what my son was doing, moving in with someone he had known in person for 3 days, working together and when winter comes, they will be stuck in the cottage 24/7. This guy is not the type my son would usually go for. He smokes (cigs and weed) and has a criminal record for trafficking cocaine. Anyways, the day I spent with them, they were having little petty arguments throughout the day, mainly because of the smoking. I privately asked my son why he was with the guy if his habits were so bothersome. He said he was going to make him change. The next day, I drove them both back to the resort, and they seemed fine when I left them. 5 hrs later I got a text from my son saying he was looking for a job and coming home. I called him the next day to see what was wrong and he said things were fine, he had a bad day. He later posted on fb that he was quitting drinking and that he really cared for this new boyfriend. The next few days he posted pics about his beautiful new love and how happy he was. Incidentally, the common theme with each post is how attractive his new boyfriend is.A couple of days ago, he texted me and told me he was going loopy at the resort and that he would prob come home after Christmas. He also questioned his problems with relationships and why he fell so hard so fast all the time, and why he was always angry when he wanted someone to change and they wouldn't. He again told me he had a bad day (with the bf).Last night my son and his boyfriend came to the city as they are both off for the next couple of days. I was expecting to see an unhappy son, as his texts a couple of days earlier sounded like he was rethinking this relationship. I was so wrong...they were like 2 love sick puppies...then, they went out drinking, just a week after my son had publicly declared he was quitting for life. They got back to my place drunk.Today when I got home from work, they both told me they are in love and that they are so compatible. I don't understand this...they've known each other 2 weeks, my son has expressed concern with the relationship to me on 2 occasions, they argue frequently, and yet they are in love and compatible?? I honestly don't see how this relationship is going to work, it seems like a train-wreck waiting to happen, and in the end, I will be left helping my son pick up the pieces. This whole situation is eerily similar to his last relationship that ended due to physical abuse on both sides. I would like to know why my son is again doing this, and if there is anything I can say or do to help him see the mistake he is making. I haven't said much so far, and I don't see how I will be able to reason with him when they are on a current love high. I know he is an adult, and free to do what he likes, but if/when this relationship blows up, he will most likely have to quit his job and return home (as this is his habit) and that will be defeating the purpose of why he put university on hold in the first place....I am deeply concerned for him.
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, debt, drunk, money, moved in, moved out, smokes, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/people-think-were-crazydo-you-think-this-will.html
Similar?
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 I agree with Denise. I think your son is headstrong, chaotic in his choices and immature in his approach to relationships (but this isn't unusual for a lot of young people)
There is probably very little you can say to him, because any advice is going to be met with suspicion and defiance!
You know this relationship probably won't last but your son has not 'hit the wall' yet, he isn't ready to quit because he still has his rose tinted spectacles on...eventually they will slip off, but there is no time frame on it.
If you feel your sons irratic behaviour is creating a disruption in your life, you need to set some clear boundaries. Tell him it's not OK for him to keep running in and out of your life with chaotic stories and tales of woe. Tell him that you do not think this other guy is suitable for him and if it's going to be a car crash, you'd rather not look, because it upsets you and makes you worry.
You are within your rights to mark out your territory and say 'enough is enough' to someone elses silly games and it is sufficient to be there for your son, when all of this is over and done with.
He is being very selfish if he cannot see how stressful this is for you and he should keep his transient love life to himself until he has learned his lesson.
The school of hard knocks is what he is choosing, because he isn't mature and smart enough to figure out this relationship is bad for him.
You should ask him if he'd put up with the other guysproblems if the guy wasn't so good looking?, probably he wouldn't so it suggests he's a shallow person at heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Your concern about your son is perfectly understandable and justified!
Right off hand, it sounds to me as if your son so much wants to have someone special in his life, that he allows his desire to have a special companion/lover to completely override his commonsense and judgment in his choice of partner.
He clearly has a problem with control - he persists in thinking he can force a boyfriend to change and then when he cannot coerce his partner into making the changes he requires, he refuses to see that the problem is with HIM, not his partner, and because he won't acknowledge the "error of his attitude" he gets angry.
When someone is behaving in a way that upsets you or you find difficult to deal with, then what you do is you let them know the effect their behavior is having on you - IF POSSIBLE without throwing blame and accusations at them (this is by no means easy to do - when we're upset and disappointed its hard not to let emotions get the better of us!)and try to see "his" point of view.
The "danger" in doing this is that one's partner may well have a few gripes and criticisms about "YOU". His current partner (bad as he sounds, criminal record for trafficking cocaine, etc.) probably does, and if/when he comes back at your son with HIS grievances, I suspect your son will have a very difficult time "hearing" it. Both these young men sound quite immature, by the way.
Maybe your son will learn in the "school of hard knocks" to be more careful and to not let his controlling behavior and desire for a partner to get the better of him.
As you say, you'll be there to pick up the pieces. In the meantime, do you have a good friend or friends you can talk to about your concerns and anxiety for your son? You need something of a support system for yourself right now.
...............................
|
