A
female
age
30-35,
*pendy
writes:Your Open Question: Why does my friend do this? am really upset:(? ? ? Am really upset, last week I went to a prayer meeting with the youth at my church and after the service my cousin's boyfriend gave me a lift home and in the car there were 3guys and me and my friend from church (girl) I had a vest top on and big jumper that shrugs. I had a little cleavage which I thought it didn't matter. When I got to my house and got out the car my friend shouted 'next time dress appropriate to church'. Infront of th guys, I felt so embarrassed, she made it sound like I was a **** trying to get attention. Anway today after church she always waits for me but today she didn't so I rang her and asked her why she didn't wait for me she said cos I always leave but I don't, I always wait to say hello to her and walks to my bus stop together. I asked her why she couldn't have called me aside and talk to me about my top, why she had to to do that infront of guys..no one is perfect she shouldn't judge and is not the first time, she's always embarrassing me:( she got really defensive, shouting and hung up on me. Am so hurt.. So upset. She's always embarrassing me. Thanks..x
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (15 May 2011):
 Either she did it to hurt you and make herself feel better, or she did it because she thought shame and embarassment would be more effective at changing your behavior than quietly pulling you aside. The fact that she wasn't there to pick you up later could be that she was annoyed at you, or could be an honest mistake that she tried to pretend she did on purpose.
In any event, compare this incident to the rest of your friendship. Is this sort of thing common? If so, she's a toxic friend and you need to get rid of her. If it's a one-time thing, I'd just let it go. Everyone has bad days, and everyone says or does something nasty once in a while.
The statement "she's always embarassing me" makes me think it could be the former case. Many women will stay best friends with someone who brings them down for years. Don't do it. Years from now, a person like this will be telling you to divorce your husband (while she lives alone with cats), or saying you spend too much time on your appearance (while she spends none on it), or anything else to bring you down to her level. Don't fall for it. If she's going to wallow in her own misery, don't join her in the muck.
A
female
reader, auntyR +, writes (15 May 2011):
she sounds like she may of been worried about you getting more attention then her. Jealousy can make people do crazy things. Maybe you should have a chat with her and just explain you don't need her to tell you how to dress appropriately. I would of gone spare if one of my friends had said that to me. So don't let her walk over you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (15 May 2011):
 The clevage incident could have been her own insecurities about the possibility of you getting male attention and her warping that into you looking trashy.
I don't think she's much of a friend, not because she didn't think to let you know about your top beforehand, but because when you pointed out how inconsiderate it was and hurt you were, she totally blocked you out.
I would put her in the 'acquaintance' box-where either you see her or you dont' at church, you don't expect to wait for her or vice versa, just casual. Don't put much effort into this relationship, have low expectations for her, and maybe she'll be able to fill that role.
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