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Why is my BF acting so mysteriously? he lied ,but then rushed back to see me. I don;t know where he was. Please help!!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2012) 18 Answers - (Newest, 19 May 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Please adive on my BF.Ok - so here it is.I've been dating this guy for 14 months, well I had a hunch last night.. actually, at 5 this morning, and I went round to see if his car was there. It wasn;t. I then called him at 5.45am. he did not answer. So I texted him and said' Can you call me back ASAP. it;s urgent'. He then called me back five mins later and said he was at home. Ok , So I said' I need to see you face to face, as I need to speak to you he then said' please tell me what it is now, as otherwise it will be playing on my mind all day' So I said no it can wait. So to trick him I texted half an hour later, and said' I will see you at 8am for the usual lift to work, and he said ok see you at 8. So then.. I walked round there and there you go, his car was all of a sudden parked right outside his house, so then I knew he was up to something, so when he opened the door I said' have you been out all night? ad he said no, So I said I came here at 6 this morning, your car was not there.. and he said. I had to go out, so I said where? at what time of the morning? and he said he went out about 5, so I said where would you be going at that time of the morning? and he said I had to go out. So I said 'well, I done a pregnancy test and it came up positive last night ( I didn;t- I will backtrack on it later _ I said it to catch him out) and he said' oh I new it was that, and I said I needed you and you were not there , where were you? And he just said again ' I had to go out, so I said that looks to me as if you have someone else? and he said he did not have someone else. So I got to work and he called and we had the same conversation again , and I said HAVE YOU GOT SOMEONE and he said ' no I haven;t I had to go out.. then he siad it was highly likely I wam pregnant, and to call him when I have finshed work, So I said I am going to the doctors for a second test and that it might be negative proably. He was all over me in the car this morning and when I put my hand near his ***, it got hard straight away, so he can;t have been doing anything?. I don;t get it.. Please help. .

View related questions: pregnancy test, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok guys. I got my answer today. He admitted today that he had gone to do a deal. He told me about it. I believed him. He said he did not like telling people. Ok. I did,nt want to hear it,but at least i know what.s happening. I.ve always had my doubts. He,s dodgy. I can do better. I.m glad my mind is at rest. He.s hinted at this stuff for ages. He told me when i met him tpgat he.d 'been a dealer all his life',how sad is that? Wtf? Good to have got the truth. Now i can make a descion at least based on the truth and facts hat i always suspected. X

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (19 May 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

If you STILL want to find out where he was and say he is fine about the false alarm/lie re pregnancy - then it sounds like you are still gonna stay in this toxic relationship. He may or may not go to jail one day. That is not the only way out of this situation. You CAN walk away, get professional help. But something tells me you won't.The irrational behaviour you display,checking up on him at 5am, is not how healthy relationships grow.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hi all. Thank you for taking the time to answer me. Yes, i am intending to get to the bottom of the issue,re. Where he was,and also going to try and fine a threapist,so i can get out of this once and for all. I told him the test came up negative,he was ok about it. I feel sorry i had to resort to such a lie,but my emotion got the better of me. Either way, i still need to know what happened the other night. Sometimes, i wish he would get arrested,and locked away. I have to find a way out of this. X

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A female reader, Duckyhelp United Kingdom +, writes (19 May 2012):

Duckyhelp agony auntTake yourself out of the situation its driving you crazy, literally. to go to his house at 5am and stuff it seems very controlling and possesive. Obviously if he doesnt tell you he doesnt respect you and if he doesnt respect you enough to tell you, then you dont deserve to be with him.

If you move on and make a life for yourself then it will be happier for the both of you and you can find someone who you trust. You dont wanna be stuck living life like this forever.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

If he is a dealer run a mile. You will never have a long term future together.You will never trust him nor should you.

If you cannot walk away then get help, see a counseller or therapist. Your on the road to nowhere if you stick around.

This is a destructive and toxic realtionship.For you and him.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntDear OP you said:

“I have got so addicted to this sick game”

And:

“I feel trapped,”

And sadly:

“. The sex is fantastic, the level of intimacy is somethig I have not experienced with anyone before,”

You are confusing intimacy and sex. You are not having INTIMATE relations with this man. Intimacy breeds trust and love. There is no trust and love here.

I strongly suggest some counseling. Also reading up on co-dependency might help.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

I like this list:

http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm

And here is the website for CODA which is like AA for co-dependents.

http://www.coda.org/

It sounds strongly to me like you are co-dependent (which means you want to be a caretaker so you look for a “sick” partner you can fix…. Read up a bit and see if any of it makes sense to you.

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A female reader, Eyespy17 United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

So, OP, it's possible he was out selling or buying drugs at 6am and NOT cheating on you?

I would suggest some kind of counseling for yourself. It seems like you're locked in something not very healthy for you at the moment.

Good luck. xoxo

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear So very confused. I don;t know why i can;t leave him... it;s horrible. When we are together, we have a lovely time and I love him to bits, and I know that realistcally, he IS a serious cannbis smoker, an ex or possibly currnett drug dealer, a liar , a control freak, a game player nad immature, but I have got so addicted to this sick game, and feel so jealous of him going off with anyone ese even though he has all these faults. he even moved down to be near me.. but it;s stil the same cack. I feel trapped, and know I wil bump inot him, and when I have tried to leave him , he goes nuts and rings me all the time until i go rvoer ., he talks me round and it all starts up again. The sex is fantastic, the level of intimacy is somethig I have not experienced with anyone before, and it;s like a no win situation . I have tried so very hard, but proaby not hard enogh to leave him. and he calls when he feels me detaching. I feel sick sometimes when I think about it. what to do? please help? I;'m desperate x

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntMore and more as you post things I think that there are serious trust issues between you and this guy....

he has a history of being shady

he has a history of lying

he has a history of drug use

tell me the good things.... why are you with him?

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A female reader, Eyespy17 United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

I would back of the pregnancy thing and demand he tell you right away where he was at 6am. If there is no logical excuse - then you have your answer.

Then I would break up with him. If it gets to the point that you are sneaking around at 5:45am, and lying that you are pregnant - it is NOT a healthy relationship.

You deserve better. And you don't deserve this heartache and angst.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012):

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Aunty bim Bim, I know it was stupid. i got panicky and had to find out what was going on, and to see what was happening and said that. and No it;s not the first time I have had that hunch, lsu he smokes tons of cannabis, and that doesn;t really help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Aunty bim Bim, I know it was stupid. i got panicky and had to find out what was going on, and to see what was happening and said that. and No it;s not the first time I have had that hunch, lsu he smokes tons of cannabis, and that doesn;t really help.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (18 May 2012):

Aunty BimBim agony auntFirstly, why on earth are you telling this man you may be pregnant, what are you hoping to achieve by telling lies like that?

Secondly I doubt if this morning was the first time your intuition tried to tell you something was up. I agree, his behaviour is very suspicious, and yes, I agree with the previous Aunt who says just because he got hard doesnt mean he wasnt having sex with somebody else.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012):

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Hi So very confused. thanks for your answer. The thing is he also does kind of dodgy deals as well, so I am not sure that that was the case lastnight. When I asked him this morning if he is stil doing dodgy deals a,d he asked me why? and I said are you still doing that ? and he asked me why? and I sai d because thats where i thought you may have been at that time of night and he just said' I had to go out' BUT, if he was with someone, he would have had the phone on silent and not returned my call wihin five minuites? anyway , yes good question. not sure he is worth the effort realy. he;s a bit of a dodgy guy..

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2012):

oldbag agony auntHya

yes he is acting mysteriously and you know it, you went and checked for his car at 5am, when most people are tucked up in bed, dreaming

so,you have serious trust issues with him and all your alarm bells must be ringing now. He was up to something he clearly doesn't want you to know about.He now knows you know he wasn't at home too.

But, you lied to him,told him you were pregnant. That means he can't trust you either. I know you needed an excuse for wanting to talk, but thats a serious lie.

You need to clear this up, get to the bottom of his vanishing act. You do not trust him at all though,which is understandable, so perhaps it's time to call it a day?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntToo much drama and intrigue here. You two are toxic to one-another and both of you will "win" when you go your separate ways.....

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (18 May 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOH dear so many problems here.

1. Just because a man gets hard when you touch his dick does not mean he isn’t doing anything…

2. You LIED to him

3. You don’t trust him (hence you’re need to catch him and check up on him)

My take on this relationship is that it’s all a pack of lies. He’s lying to you, you’re lying to him.

By evading the question of where he was, he’s lying by omission. If he wasn’t doing anything he didn’t want you to know about he would have told you. And clearly your hunch is based on past behavior.

Are you sure this man is worth all this emotional and mental hard work?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Guys and girls. I know it looks nuts the way I have approached it, and immature, but I was feeling really panicky, and came out with the first thing that came into my head. I know also it;s a but immatrue but it;s not the firt time this guy has acted mysteriously. I mean, if he was cheating, he would have at least made up some excuse as to where he had gone not' I had to go out'. ? what;s going on here? how to handle it?

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