A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My fiancee and I have been together for about a year and a half and became engaged three months ago. We planned to get married six months from now, in the fall and were getting excited about making a life together. One month ago, not long after we finally celebrated our engagement with family and friends, my fiance's father died suddenly, of a massive heart attack. It took at least half a day before the police found his rigid body. When my fiance arrive at his house, the body was still lying on the floor, covered with a sheet. This tragedy has, understandably, traumatized my love and plunged her into grief. She feels guilt at not having saved her father, especially because it appears that medical error played a role in his death. She is saddened that he died too soon (age 57) just months away from our wedding. And on top of that, my fiance has anger toward her father over the shambles he left his estate in. (And the fact that she is largely responsible, now, for figuring out how her mother and disabled brother will be provided for). Under the circumstances, I think my fiance is doing fairly well. She is taking practical steps to deal with the situation: handling estate issues and looking for counselling.I have been doing my best to be present for my love. I have taken off a month from my studies to stay with her in the USA . (We have been long distancing this year, between two continents). My priorities have become supporting her spiritually, learning about grief and doing whatever practical things I can to make her life easier. I know that if I were grieving, my love would do the same for me. This week we got to discuss the future. Several times my fiance explained that she loves me, cares about me deeply but wonders if we can ever get married. The woman I love implied that she feels this way because her life seems irreparably broken, now, and she feels totally screwed up.We decided not to get married in the fall and to wait and see how things evolve before we set a new date.This situation makes me panicky. We have been through so much together and finally got engaged. I love this woman so much. I want to be with her and support her. Our relationship has been a blessing for both of us. I have waited until my mid-30s to meet her and now I am worried that I am going to lose her forever.I understand 100% why my love wants to put off getting married. If I were in her situation I would do the same. But it's all extremely frustrating. I am allergic to uncertainty. After many years of pain and illness, I finally met a wonderful person. Our engagement gave me so much hope. Now it's on pause and I feel anxious. Why does life have to be so hard?All that my fiance can promise me, now, is that she wants things to work out between us. But she is not sure that they will. She promises that when we are living in the same city, beginning in the fall, we can go for couple's counselling and do our best to work things out. This is positive. But I wonder if we can work them out. Can anyone relate to this? Is the uncertainty over our relationship that my fiancee is going through a natural part of the grieving process? Do people ever get through this uncertainty and move on, carrying through with plans to get married?I should explain that our relationship has never been easy. We have lots of baggage to go through, separately and together. As it was, things were very challenging, albeit doable. Now I worry that with all the stress in the relationship, her underlying issues will dominate and our relationship will no longer work. When she was young, my fiance was abused by her mother. Her makeup includes sensitivity, generosity, positivity, spirituality as well as significant issues with depression, PTSD, anxiety, ego-centricity and a touch of asperger syndrome. I have a surprisingly similar makeup (although the trauma I suffered in my youth was not to do with abuse but with illness. It gives me hope that both of us own-up to our issues and are fairly good about getting professional and, when needed, psychiatric help. Couple's counselling helped us and the feedback we got from it gave us encouragement to move forward with getting engaged.What scares me is knowing that major psychological issue take a long time to resolve. In my experience someone in their mid-20s (she is 26) can have a much tougher time working through their issues than someone older would (because the 20-something may lack life-experience and self-awareness). I suffered from PTSD and depression in my 20s and it held me back, significantly. It was not until age 30 that I got my life back together, again.I wonder how long it will take my fiance to work through her grief. What will she will be like in a year? Will she be a stronger person or be more angry and broken? Could we end up in situation where she feels she cannot move forward despite the fact that we are meant for one another? (because she lacks confidence in her or our ability to work through our issues together)?I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. There are no certainties in life, as my love's father's untimely death demonstrates. We can only live one day at a time and be present to what happens. I just hope that when my fiance gets to the other side of the valley of the shadow of death our relationship will survive.On the plus side, the last month has made me stronger, in some ways. Until now I worried about my fiance's problems with anger and her controlling streak, which vie for attention with her generosity and self-awareness. Now, I see that I can deal with it. I have put up with her difficult behavior over the past month, while maintaining my boundaries. I have given her firm but loving support and we have had many meaningful healing conversations. This leaves me feeling reassured that if our relationship continues I can deal with whatever she dishes out and together, we can work through difficult issues together.Thank you for reading this and offering feedback. One more thing before I go. I realize that to some, my concerns may sound selfish. After all, my fiance has just lost her father and I am quibbling about myself! But, as my therapist points out, everyone has a right to their emotions. What matters is not what we emote but how we deal with it. I want to be present to my fiance's situation and do right by her. That is why I need to vent, once in a while, and get some feedback. (It's the alternative to getting emotionally bloated and, eventually, exploding). Blessings!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks very much for your feedback. What I cannot understand is why my fiance is even speaking about reviewing our engagement in therapy next year. we got engaged didn't we? We both feel we still love each other. We committed to each other and have affirmed that the committment remains. We still want things to work out. So,yes, her father's death is a major shock. But we got engaged didn't we? It's supposed to be for richer and for poorer, isn't it? So why is she doubting it? Can anyone who has been through the greiving process relate or respond? I am so confused. But I know my fiance is a good person and I am hopeful we will work this out.
A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (18 May 2012):
I think you sound like a loving partner, who is also legitimately worried for the future of his relationship, given the fact your wedding has also been postponed- not a selfish thing, in my book.
As you predicted, no one can really tell you how your girlfriend will be like in a few months, because everyone reacts to losses differently. You seem to think she's reacting actively to the situation, which gives you reason to hope for the future. You have to take into consideration that she may feel 'stuck', in a way, and not be really emotionally available either for a while- it's up to you whether you think you may take that or not.
My suggestion is to keep being supportive and be there for her and reassure her for as long as you can. This way, at least you won't have any regrets about 'what ifs', which are awful, especially when you care about someone this much.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 May 2012):
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