A
female
age
30-35,
*yiDai
writes:I am an insecure teenage girl. Sounds like the typical teenager but even my friends think my insecurities are weird. The thing is, lately my boyfriend of 7months has been asking to by ZOO magazines [a 'car mag' with spreadsheets and pages upon pages of half-naked girls with fake boobs], and watching movies like Zombie Strippers and Lesbian Vampire Slayers. He claims he doesn't like 'fake girls' with big boobs barely covered by the sliver of clothing they so insistently call a bikini [I hardly call a scarf-like cloth draped across your boobs a bikini top, seriously]. And says that he watches the movies just for the horror element of them. Like I would believe that, right?? Especially after oggling a half-dead stripping zombie because she was Goth [his weakness] and was naked, rubbing herself on a stripper pole. Its frustrating me that my friends are telling me things like 'atleast he can't go into the magazine/television and touch them. He's just looking'. I dont care! It hurts!! It hurts like I cried last time he mentioned he was watching lesbians trotting skimpily after vampires. And the thing that pisses me off is that I don't check out guys, I'm not interested in anyone else and I wouldn't be caught dead buying/renting/borrowing/whatever these types of items. Because I love him so much that no one else matters. But he is like me.. Being the hypocritical pig he is, he gets jealous when I hug my best friend of 7 years just because he is a guy [fully clothes, mind you]. He's stopped me from talking to friends because we are 'too close'. If he caught me checking out a guy like he does or renting out a post horror porno [face it, thats what it is] he would literally 'smack me upside the head'. I dont know. I guess my question is - Am I being too insecure? Should I let him watch/read/look at other girls and these types of things?? Is it normal for me to be this jealous?? Does looking at these things make him think about other women and does he still care about me?? How do I let him know that it upsets me without him talking me out of it??
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best friend, boobs, goth, insecure, jealous, lesbian, porn, stripper Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Aside entirely from the porn issue, which is basically his business, the salient fact here is that if you're describing him as a 'hypocritical pig' and (more disturbingly) you claim he would 'smack me upside the head' for checking out other guys, this relationship is toxic for both of you and should be ended as soon as possible, to enable both of you to look for people you like instead of hating.
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (19 October 2009):
 (bloody thing went all funny) :)
Where was I PFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
you say you dont look and I really believe you as when I was younger I was just like you...But as you get older your veiws change and if you get stronger and get all that self confidence back you will not need to be worried about what he is up to sweetheart as a strong self confident young woman attracts alot of attention..He may not like it but these are the facts stay insecure and he has got you stuck in a rut get confident and you are in control of how you feel about you and that will be STRONG!!!!!!!Dont let any man threaten you no matter what, Ive been there and its not nice so Im telling you at your age stop that from happening right now HE HAS NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!Get strong forget these pictures and dont worry about the vampires hunny at the end of that film there is a gay werewolf that is just so bloody funny...My sons g/f told me she was in stiches...See the funny side of life and you will start to feel so much better TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXX If you need a chat message me anytime xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (19 October 2009):
Hi sweetheart
First please dont allow this to make you feel you are second best and do not allow this to make you feel even the slightest bit insecure (hard I no) These are just visuals and he is young and will brag about looking and this will make you feel hurt, He will not understand your hurt as you feel it..He will see it as jealousy and know without a shadow of a doubt you are always there for him no matter what...
This will make him feel secure in your relationship while you are pulling your hair out trying to explain something that he really does not understand..He really does not understand how hurt this makes you feel..
You need to get strong and get secure in yourself sweetheart, Who gives a flying f**k about fake boobs and sexy vampires its all a money making market love and as long as the people that make these things get there money they dont care...They no what to sell a man and they do it very well..
You need to look above all this as you are so much stronger than this, You need to be able to just be you and enjoy who you are and love being who you are..4get all that stuff it means jack shit trust me. Self confidence is so important and at your age staring to loose it is not good sweetheart Im sending you a link to help.....
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
This link will take you to all sorts of helpful tips love, If you really think about it he is getting all this stuff showing it off to you so who is the insecure one here...Or who was??? Please dont think you are worth less than you truely are EVER! And never be put down by other people in film or magazines, It is just a visual thing love and its been happening for so many years now, You say you love him so much you dont look and
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A
female
reader, Sammycake +, writes (19 October 2009):
 It's perfectly normal for you to feel like this - Guys are complicated creatures and they think that just looking at attractive women and sometimes feeling aroused is fine, but girls see it in a totally different light.
I imagine that one of the questions you're asking yourself is 'Am I inadequate?/Does he not find me as attractive?' Simply put, why would he be with you if he wasn't attracted to you?
You need to put these insecurities behind you. First step, just talk to him about it. Tell him exactly what bothers you and if he must continue to read these magazines/watch these films, then do it on his own time and *don't* discuss it with you. If he thinks you're being unreasonable, then I don't think it's worth sticking around for a guy who's not willing to change a few things to make you happier.
You need to remember though, he's a teenage boy, they're thronging with hormones. The phase may pass, or it might not. Wait and see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): 'Am I being too insecure?' Yes.
'Should I let him watch/read/look at other girls and these types of things??' Let him? You mean like only 'allow' him to read/watch/look at things that are pre-approved by you?That sounds like controlling behaviour to me and is bound to get his back up and he'll likely resent that.
'Is it normal for me to be this jealous??' What's normal for one person is abnormal for another. Jealousy is a very destructive emotion and has been the ruination of many relationships - and marriages for that matter.
'Does looking at these things make him think about other women and does he still care about me??' Quite simply - Yes. But he'll care less about you if you keep trying to control him.
'How do I let him know that it upsets me without him talking me out of it??' Tell him exactly what it is that upsets you and *ASK* him to do whatever it is he does when he's not in your company. If he ignores your *REQUEST* then move on and find a guy with less weird interests, especially as it would appear he's just as insecure as you are. Don't tell him what he can and cannot do - that will almost certainly lead to big confrontations and fireworks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Sorry Sweetie, but this guy sounds very immature and he certainly has double standards!!
It sounds like his behaviour has made you insecure, and surely that is not what a loving relationship is made of???
I think that you love him a lot more than he loves you and I suggest you tell him exactly how you feel and if he doesnt like it - tell him the relationship is over. He is treating you like he wants to because you are allowing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): Okay there are a few questions here.
Are you being insecure about him looking at other girls, possibly yes. Guys do this all the time even when they are happily married and devoted they will still look. It does not mean they actually want to be with that person in fact if you were to ask a guy a day or so after one of the se films a question about one of the characters I doubt they would know .
Is your boyfriend being fair. Hell NO!! Its 2009 and what is okay for him is okay for you, as for threatening to hit you well if he even threatens that you need to ask yourself why you are with him. I would hae no problem with agirl Im with buying playgirl or seeing the "torso of the week" because Im happy with who I am ( that sounds arrogant, its not) I know about my many flaws but at the end of the day if someone wants to be with me thats great, if they dont well, I will get over it.
Your BF needs to grow up. Id advise you to let him know that your friends were your friends before him and if he cant handle it, he should jog on.
I hope this helps,
Elpigaro
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A
female
reader, helpisathand +, writes (19 October 2009):
i do understand your insercurities and im not saying your not normal i have been there before. the only way you are going to help this situation is not to be with this guy. it seems to me he feeds your insecurties and you are not strong enough at the moment to rise about this...but why should you?? you shouldnt. you live once life is too short to let people like this make you feel this way about yourself. i am guessing the reason why he watches, looks at such material and would not let you do the same is down to his own insecurites and issues. if he physically hits you because of this my only advice is to walk away. it may be hard in the short term but turn to the people you know you can trust. in the long term you will be able to build your self esteem and meet someone who is more suitable for you. your young, have fun seriously i have been there and now i have never been happier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): The truth is you can't stop him from looking at those kinds of things, he's a boy and thats what they do. But he can't yell at you for doing that same thing, you should tell him that if he can look so can you (even if you don't want to). I used to get jealous when my boyfriend would do that too but I realized that its really not causing any harm, as long as he doesn't go any further then looking. He's with YOU for a reason, because he likes YOU. He needs to be able to trust you when you are around your friends, even if it is a guy, and if he can't then maybe he's not the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with. Trust is everything in a relationship, if you don't have it, it's only going to lead to more problems. Tell him how you feel, he needs to be aware of your feelings in order to be able to respect them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): It is perfectly 'normal' for you to be concerned and a little jealous of what your boyfriend is doing - particularly as he is kind of mocking you about it at times. However lots of men do look at this kind of thing. One thing that concerns me greatly is how fearful you seem to be of him and how much control he seems to have over you. Its like he calls all the shots - i.e. you are not allowed to not like his overt behaviour towards what he 'reads' and watches, and yet you cannot behave normally with male friends. You also mention he would 'smack you up' if you did so - has he been violent towards you? Are you a little bit scared of him? I urge you to be honest with yourself and consider whether the relationship is worth it because you seem to be falling into a trap a lot of people do when although they love someone they cannot see how unhealthy the relationship actually is. He sounds controlling and it is not right, however much you love him, to be feeling this uncomfortable. You may find he has the ability to really knock your confidence if this continues so..... whilst you are a little insecure (though again this is normal)his actions and your response are actually keeping you in that pattern of thought. Not every guy will treat you in this way.
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