A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so Im having a little bit of a problem here.Im over-weight, reason is medical but nonetheless I am. I have long red hair, my eyes change between blue, green and grey on a daily basis and Im only 5’1.My boyfriend is 6’1, slim, dark bleh.Anyhoos…through school I always got picked on for being the fat girl. At school I talked to everyone and got along with everyone because Im nice. I come from a good family, we don’t want for anything and I was always known as being one of the richer kids because we had more money than most others (not loaded though) But because I was fat it would make guys not be interested (I have no idea how many times I was told, overheard or a friend would inform me of something someone had said about how if I was thin I’d be perfect cuz Im already a pretty fat girl therefore making me thin would make me gorgeous and I have money in my family so ofcourse that’s a bonus) and younger guys who don’t know me at all would just take the piss ya know. So between being ‘ginger’ and fat I was picked on a good bit but I dont care about the hair because I like being a red head but the weight does bother me but Im sure some day my doctor will find something that gets my condition under wraps and then I can start really losing weight. In general these days (4 years on from school) I don’t really see much people I used to hang around with. I have around 5 close friends whom I see regularly and my boyfriend and with those people Im myself. Im nice, friendly, bubbly, incredibly lively and adventurous, full of energy but with new people Im more shy and reserved. However my boyfriend is always like the joker. Everyone loves him, he knows sooo many people compared to me and they all love him because he’s funny, and many question how I deal with him because he can be a huge pain in the ass to.Where I live most girls are size 8/10 and im a 22 therefore I look like a whale compared to most of them. Of course there are other bigger people but in general most are not big. What I want to know is how do I become confident with this environment Im in?On Saturday night my bf came home and he had been in a fight….why? because he was talking to this guy and this guys friend said to my bf oh your going out with ** and my bf goes yeah and he turned to him and said why you can do so much better than her. So my bf hit him and yeah fight broke out.Why do people have to be this mean? This guy doesn’t know me, he knows of me. And no-one can say anything bad about me because I haven’t done anything, Im nice all the time and helpful and those who know me well know Im like this energetic loonatic and they all love me for it because Im all happy, and glittery, tinkerbell and pinks my fav colour and Im random and love doing new things blah blah blah but those who don’t know me well or at all only know that Im quiet and FAT.Why is it because Im fat Im all of a sudden not good enough? If I was thin I’m perfect but fat I’m not good enough. This is a regular thing where people question why my bf is with me (if we go out with our town people don’t question it in the slightest but where we live they do)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2012): Never lose weight because someone (or many more than one) made you feel bad about it. That is a nasty ingredient in a recipe for developing an eating disorder. Lose weight because you want to be happy about yourself and proud of you body. Do it to gain confidence.
To lose weight, you need to fire your doctor, or eat healthier, consume less calories, and exercise more. If you eat healtier, consume even 100 or 200 calories less per day, and add some light exercise go your daily routine you can lose weight. If you can be a super-hyper tinkerbelle, you can exercise. I encourage you to cosider using your extra giddy energy to run around, strengthen your cardiovascular system, and lose weight.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (25 July 2012):
if people judge you because of your weight, it is their loss not yours Im afraid. Im a size 16, partially medical reasons and partial the fact that I have a sweet tooth, and I understand to some extent at least what you go through. I was heavier when I started secondary school and lost some of the weight before my health got worse, and it is very degrading for people to avoid you or sneer because you are ''fat''. I got into the habit of thinking ''it is them who have the problem with my weight therefore it is their weight problem'' because anyone who cares about you or is the kind of person who is worthy to be your friend will see you for who you are as a person and not for what dress size you are. it really is the shallow peoples loss as at the end of the day they are cutting themselves off from potential friends because of their own stereotyped opinions. you have a boyfriend who loves you for YOU, and that is the kind of person you need to mix with in social situations. good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (25 July 2012):
You have a small group of close friends and a boyfriend who obviously thinks the world of you. You’re not confident because you care too much about the opinions of ignorant people, the kind of people who either criticise your weight because they know that’s the thing you’re self-conscious about and that upsets you, or the people who’d find anything to criticise people who they don’t consider attractive about, whether it be their weight, hair colour or anything else. You should try to remember that although some people may appear to be more popular and have a huge circle of friends, they too probably only have a small group of close friends, and there’ll be something about their bodies that they feel bad about. You’re really not so different. Think about all your qualities, the ones that make you the good friend that they want in their lives, and the woman that is one man’s world.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Yes I know that there is a social stigma attached to fat people, that's the way we have been conditioned by the media, to believe that thin in beautiful. Look, who cares what people think? There will always be some aspect which is not good enough for people and you cant try and please everyone. As long as you have your family and friends, don't give a damn about what others say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2012): OP you know full well why people judge fat people, I do to a certain degree too because I was fat before and worked my ass to get rid of it. I would never be ignorant, mistreat or say any of the stupid crap that you've had to endure but nonetheless obesity is a huge problem in our societies and the majority of obese people can't use the "medical condition" excuse.
I'm not going to list the reasons why, you know the reasons why, obesity is a massive issue and it's getting worse and people aren't doing anything about it but complain that they're ugly, it's too hard, they need to comfort eat etc.
I never really had a problem with being fat for the most part until one day I decided it was no longer for me and then I worked my ass off got fit and healthy.
OP most of us are conditioned to think fat is bad and it is, not in terms of looks or in personal terms, I have obese friends and their weight doesn't matter a damn in that respect, but in terms of health and quality of life it's a big issue. I honestly think childhood obesity is a form of abuse as severe as neglect because the health risks are just as severe and giving a child such a preventable disadvantage in life is the opposite of what a parent should be doing. I'd even go so far as to say I think parents should be fined for allowing their kids to get to a level of weight that puts their long term health at risk so you can see my views are very hard line and very intolerant of the idea that anyone would think it's okay to be obese or that it is an acceptable thing.
The difference for me is as I said it doesn't change how I treat people and I don't judge people as lazy and useless because of their weight but others aren't of the same opinion. It's very easy to pick on a fat person because it's quite an obvious "flaw" and people love to pick on the flaws of others as a way to make themselves feel superior.
How do you deal with it in the environment you're in? You accept it, you understand that's how things are and we live in a society completely obsessed by beauty and weight etc.
OP there's one rule I always follow in life and that's to accept the things I can't change and change the things that I can if they're a problem.
"who don’t know me well or at all only know that Im quiet and FAT."
OP you know that caring about what people think, people who have no bearing on your life at all is far worse a condition than obesity. Why do you care? I mean you can't change how people view fat people are you going to let it spoil your life because of that? You have nothing to prove to anyone and if a person judges you on your weight alone then screw them, you have that as an advantage in that you weed out the superficial dicks early.
"This is a regular thing where people question why my bf is with me"
People question why my girlfriend is with me too, short, fat and bald, three things that society in general deem to be "ugly" traits. You may even think to yourself "Oh I don't think I could be with a guy who is really short or bald, they're not my type" and that's fine. I'm also a good bit older than her, I earn less money than her, I was jobless and careerless when we started dating too. OP there are still some girls that can't believe my girlfriend is with me on the sole basis that I don't have a car, how crazy is that? haha. What those idiots just can't understand is that perhaps those things aren't all that important to my girlfriend. That perhaps there are more important things in life than owning a car, that perhaps my girlfriend of 7 years is attracted to and loves a guy that is a great partner to her. That regardless of what society tells her she should and should not find ugly my appearance is still something she adores.
Why don't I get upset when people say that kind of thing to her? Because neither of us care to be honest. A person who judges me solely on being bald is not a person that matters to me, their opinion is not one I can honestly take seriously nor care about. OP bald jokes are just going to be a part of my life from now own, even my friends tease me about it and I don't care in the slightest. I can't change it and I've never bought into anything that society says I should think or feel, I don't get jealous of celebs with big thick hair I don't wish I had lots of hair, I just simply don't care.
You care too much OP, time to find a way of not giving a damn and enjoying your life as is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 As teenagers you care only about what your peers think. Being fat, or dating a fat person, at this time and age is considered uncool by many. Hence, when listening to peer pressure, they will turn you down because of your weight. Peer pressure however is NOT the same as personal taste. And as people grow, they become more independent, and no longer need their peers approval for every single thing they do in life. Some mature slow and some fast, but by the age of 25 most young men and women have come to the stage where they can make up their own mind about things. And that is when you will see a change in how people approach you and how connections are made between people. Because this time connections will be made between people who get along, have things in common, and generally like each other. As teenagers, connections were made with people who your peers allowed you to talk to, people who were probably just a bad influence, or people who you really didn't like but were hanging out with anyway.
I just had to say this because you need to NOT compare teenage years to adult years. People connect in a very different manner as adult, and different things come in to play when you make adult decisions. As it seems with people in your area they haven't matured fully yet. But it'll happen.
Why "fat" is seen as a negative thing for your social status is really.. well, odd. It's more like a cultural phenomenon than anything personally related. In some cultures being fat means you are wealthy and is seen as something good (meaning you can afford to eat). There are many things, characteristics and circumstances that are seen as negative to some people, where others might not care. This doesn't happen just with "fat" people. Social stigmas are all around, for example with handicapped people. Or poor people who buy clothes from second hand stores. Being fat in the western culture, or in many cultures here, means you are unattractive, lazy, and have poor health. It's a social stigma. Just like a handicapped person could be seen as dumb, vegetable, waste of space etc.
Why are people judgmental in general? I can't answer that question for you. But rest assured, it isn't personal or about you alone. It's a vice the entire human race struggle with. As we mature we know better... unfortunately some never mature or develop. The way you should go about this is to learn not to care. People say these things because they don't know better, they aren't smart enough to know better, or they haven't matured enough. This reflects on them, not on you.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 I think you and your boyfriend need to be more particular about where you go and who you hangout with. People your age often have a very immature and superficial attitude when it comes to appearance. I am not sure where your boyfriend was when he got into the fight, but I wouldn't frequent the place.
I can't believe that every girl in your particular area is an 8 or a 10. I also can't believe that all of those people are mean and/or superifical. Apparently you are running with the wrong crowd and need to make some friends that appreciate you for who you are regardless of your size.
It sounds like you have a great boyfriend, so why are feeling so self-conscious? Stop allowing your weight and other peoples bigotry to get you down. People are always willing to find something wrong with other people, so even if you were slim and trim, you would be a "know it all" or a "bitch". I can speak from experience because I was also a size 22 when in college, now I am a size 12. I know how people can be, but luckily I had friends who didn't care and went to a university where I met a lot of wonderful people who didn't care about my weight.
Find a group of friends who are more mature...it will do wonders for you.
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