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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I wrote a 3 page letter telling my ex how much I hate him. He had records of cheating and every time I forgave him and took him back. He's a liar and never changed. I'm so pissed and don't deserve after what I've done for him. So people said don't send it, but why? I don't see anything bad sending it to him. I hate him so much and I don't want him to be happy. He doesn't deserve it.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 My 12 year relationship ended just a month ago. It had been coming for some time, but I held on..knowing I should end it, but just not really wanting to deal with everything. I waited years and years for a man that I truly loved, thinking someday he would make me his wife, like he always said he would. It never happened...and one day he just ended things. He didn't even have the courage to come right out and tell me, I had to drag it out of him on the phone. AWFUL!!! I felt hurt, used and sick to my stomach. The situation wasn't the same as yours, but the point is...I let things go on, knowing I should have ended it a LONG time ago.
Don't write the letter. No matter how angry you are, how much you are hurting...DON'T DO IT! It will only feed his ego. Write a letter, write a hundred letters, but DO NOT SEND THEM!!! Keep them, read them later, and then rip them up!! Get a journal, write all of your thoughts in there...and then rip them up after you've read them. This is what I do, and it helps me immensely.
Right now you hurt and are angry, but I promise you that in time it won't hurt like it does right now. He didn't deserve you and you have to tell yourself that. Why make him feel better at your expense??
The best thing you can do is to be good to yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve some one loving, kind and faithful. You don't need to wish this man any bad luck..it will happen to him without you saying or doing a thing. People that cheat and lie and hurt others..it always catches up to them. Who care what happens to him?? You need to let go of the anger and the hate because it will just eat you up inside and that means that this guy still won. Is he worth it?? No, I think not. Let it go....and be good to yourself. Don't let a jerk rule your thoughts, feelings or your life. *HUGS*
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Been there, done that. Believe me, after you have moved on from this guy...the only thing you would ever regret is to have sent that letter.I have done this before and I just embarrassed myself. Having moved on from my ex, I realized I was such a desperate girl before like I was going to die without his attention. If I knew I would get to this day laughing at myself for being a fool (I can't believe myself I fell for a cheater like that and allowed myself to be a doormat). I would have not wasted any second.It's true what they say here, indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. The moment he sees that letter of yours, it will only confirm that you are weak.Whereas if you start moving on with your life now and he is not gonna hear from you ever again...that is POWER. It only means you don't care at all about him to even waste a time writing to him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2014):
 if you send it, it may please him to know you are hurting.
IF you give him the power to know how he hurt you he has power over you even if you never see him again, it's a mind game.
write all the letters you want but do not send them.
once you walk away from a hurtful relationship, letting it go is the key to healing.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Everything has been (well said). Each opinion below are very right and you'd better take these advices as they are good and will help you save the face.
If I had just two things to add, I would say DON'T send your letter as it will maybe be shown to his friends to make them laugh on you and underline how male he can be. Don'T WASTE you time, don't loose you face.
Second, if something wrong occurs to him - somebody scratches or pierce the tires of his car - you could be held as suspect upon this letter. That's a little risk, but who needs to run it when his life is already complicated enough ?
My two cents...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): i say don't send it. these are your strong emotions talking and you might say something you'll regret. the best revenge is to look great and do greater. he'll be expecting a bad reaction from you, don't give him the satisfaction. believe me i had a hate letter i was going to send my ex, i sat on it and im glad i never send it. nothing will compare to the look on his face when he runs into you looking amazing with a great guy on your arm.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 January 2014):
 the reason people say not to send it is simply because you're letting him know how much he got to you. it's like ultimately allowing him to win, so to speak. as well as the fact that what you're feeling now will not always be the way that you feel down the road.
i am an advocate of coaching people to behave and respond in healthy ways in situations like this. yes, of course you are pissed and hate his guts at the moment. he did you very wrong! but that's because you're scorned and angry RIGHT NOW. in a few months time, you will most likely look back and be a little embarrassed at your actions if you give this hate letter to him (or a lot).
for example, people say and do things in the heat of the moment they wish they could take back. it's a permanent response to a temporary, fleeting feeling/emotion. make sense?
i think writing a letter is always a great way of getting closure. a lot of others seem to disagree with me on this. however, for me, it helps. and so if it helps, why not? if writing helps give you closure, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't do it. however, when i say writing, i mean explaining your feelings in a rational, calm manner. getting it all off your chest in a way that explains your feelings. saying hateful things only lowers you to his level and you're better than that. and what will it change, anyway? nothing. he will most likely not even read it. or if he does, he will probably show his friends and laugh about it at your expense, because a guy who is crappy enough to cheat over and over doesn't respect you. don't give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt you.
good luck.
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female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (7 January 2014):
Still thinking of sending that letter?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 January 2014):
Because it makes you sound pathetic.
If you need to write, write it and save it for yourself only.
Never send it. Ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): If I was your ex and I treated you that badly I'd love it if you sent me that letter just so I can see how much power I still have over you.
I'd laugh my ass off and I'd send copies to my friends the ramblings of the completely powerless woman who still isn't over me.
Send it OP, stroke his ego. Make him feel powerful, strong and in control. Let him feel so irresistible that even after everything he did he knows you still care enough to write out a big long letter to him.
You see it wouldn't upset me, if I cared at all about you I wouldn't have used you that way. But I did, I enjoyed having that power and control and now you want to give me more? You want me to see how being without me is crushing you? bring it on, I could use a good laugh. Smudge some of the paper with your tears OP, just so I can see you were crying too. I want to see how bad your life is without me. I want to see your pain on that paper and read your pathetic attempts to make me feel bad.
Send that letter and show him who the real boss of your life is, him. Or you could not send it and not give the guy that kind of satisfaction.
How about you burn it and put everything he ever gave you into a box, grab a few bottles of wine and go with some friends and burn each and every item.
how about you finally take back the power and stop crawling back to him.
Why can't you just finally walk away for once, OP? You have a chance to finally erase him from your life and here you are trying to contact him again?
I bet every single time he hurt you, you cried and told him how hurt you are, well what's different this time? Nothing if you ask me. You're still not letting go, which is the best possible outcome for you. You still want him to know how you feel, and you still need to know he thinks about you.
OP woman up, stop being so weak for this guy that you need send him some kind of stupid letter that will only stroke his ego. Stand up and be counted for once and stop letting him have so much control over your emotions.
Guess how I feel about the woman who hurt me the most in my life? Nothing, I don't care if they're happy, sad, a millionaire, a junkie, nothing.
It's called moving on, OP and it's a hell of a lot more important than revenge. It's time you finally did that don't you think?
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 January 2014):
The other Aunts nailed this one-
because it will make you look silly and insecure, unable to move on, and because it won't affect him in the least.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Actually, you writing him a letter will stroke his ego and let him know, rightly, that you're not over him. And, you'll be humiliating yourself, because nothing shouts "psycho ex" than a long hate letter after a breakup.
The others are right too - you need to take responsibility for taking him back over and over again. Cheating is on him for sure, but you should have dropped him after you caught him the first time, or the second time if you bought his "I'll change" lies. After that, you were being masochistic.
You should be working towards the day when his happiness or unhappiness is irrelevant to you. That you don't hate him or wish he were unhappy, but you feel an icy indifference to whether or not he breathes. His future should be an annoyance to more important things to think about, and the knowledge that he's a cheating dog who becomes a knuckle dragger for any skirt crossing his path should give you a satisfaction that his weakness will leave him a hollow, empty shell long after you've forgotten his name.
In short, while it was therapeutic to write the letter, sending it would validate him and humiliate you for years to come. Best purge him from your thoughts and feelings in a positive way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2014):
 You can write it yo ucan send it. The thing is, IF he was such an asshole do you really think the letter will have ANY impact what so ever? He will USE that letter to show anyone and everyone what a crazy lady you was (not that you were/are crazy) but a guy who can SWEET talk you into forgiving cheating OVER AND OVER can paint you like a crazy lady in a heartbeat, to make himself look better and you.. look crazy.
ACCEPT that YOU dated this asshole.
ACCEPT that YOU forgave cheating not once, but SEVERAL times.
ACCEPT that you TRIED your out most to see GOOD in a man that didn't held an ounce of integrity or morals.
ACCEPT that this man has ZERO respect for you.
ACCEPT that YOU ARE in charge of how people treat you. By ALLOWING (or forgiving transgressions OVER and OVER) you ar enabling him to disrespect you.
Take some RESPONSIBILITY for YOUR actions too. YOU forgave a guy because you WANTED to. YOU WANTED him to be this GOOD GUY for you. Well, he wasn't.
Honestly, just writing the letter is a good way to let it all out. But sending it? He isn't going to read it and comprehend how he hurt you. He isn't going to change. He isn't going to GIVE a flying fart.
All you do (by sending it) is providing him with AMMO against you.
With all this HATE you are HOLDING yourself back, NOT HIM. YOU are becoming a BITTER woman. HE is UNAFFECTED by his actions, because he doesn't CARE. YOU care, you cared. And by holding onto all that negativity and hate, YOU will be the one unhappy, not him.
But you are a grown woman, so you have to do what's feel right for you. Even if that is shooting yourself in the foot. (and I mean that metaphorically).
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 When a person takes to "hating" someone/something... then whatever it is that he/she "hates" now has free rent in his/her head.... THAT is why it's not useful to make a "hate" letter to an ex-.
What such a letter REALLY sez is: "I've still got you on my mind. And, yes, you DO (still) have some control over my life... and I'm not strong - or, smart - enough to purge you, entirely..."
Remember, the opposite of "love" is NOT "hate"... it is "indifference".... which one can display by ignoring that which they no longer "love."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2014):
 I wonder if a lot of your anger comes from the fact that for some reason you continued taking him back despite knowing he was a liar and cheat? You won't move on from this by embarrassing yourself in a hate letter (and yes, that's all it will be, embarrassing to you). You can only move on by learning to stop being so mad at yourself for taking him back, we all make silly mistakes and love makes us blind. A hate letter to him will not hurt him at all. There is nothing you can say that will hurt him, but you can bet you are going to feel embarrassed by it after you send it, and it might come back to bite you in the butt. Write the letter, read it, and shred it. Then move on.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 January 2014):
 30-35?
If your ex wasn't concerned about earning your respect he isn't likely to be concerned about earning your contempt.
Sending him a hate letter gives him the satisfaction of knowing he had a greater impact on your life than you had on his. It makes you look weak, foolish and a bit like a psycho.
But whatever floats your boat.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Why, do you think that your letter will make him unhappy ? Do you think it will pierce him to the core, and spoil his whole life ?
Think again. Probably, it won't even spoil his mood for the day. In fact, it may puff up his ego, he will be flattered to know that you are still so hung up on him after all he's done to you. Must be a nice sensation of power, knowing that you can ( metaphorically ) kick a woman around and she, rather than saying " what a loser, I am glad he's gone " is still harboring such strong feelings like hatred for him.
Or, it will make him laugh . Or, most probably, it will make him YAWN - " what now ,- oh it's she again . What a drag ". Why ?
Because he could not care less if you hate him . Since he apparently did not care that much about you. If he had cared, he would not have been a serial cheater to begin with, right ? And he would not have put you through the misery of feeling every time jealous, humiliated, disrespected.
Then again- mind you, I am not defending him, I am sure he is as much of a liar and a pig as you descibe him, but, it always takes two to tango. He cheats on you , you take him back- fine. Then he does it again- and again- ( since you say " every time " I assume it was more than just once or twice ) - and you keep taking him back.. so you contributed to create your unhappiness, and to be fair you should hate 50% the guy, and 50 % yourself.
What if, instead, you do not hate anybody because it pointless , and your hatred won't make him feel any worse or you any better, and start moving on. Deciding firmly that in future you are going to make better choices in terms of men, and you are not going to put up with any crap should they show , regardless of your thorough screening, inclinations to act crappy to you ?
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