A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So a while back me and my friend had sex a couple of times. We actually live in a shared house with other people, although they don't know that anything happened between us. We had known each other for about a year before this happened, and had always gone to cinemas and restaurants together in a pair (both single). The bizarre (to most people) thing is that although we have always had a cheeky sense of humour, there has never been a spark whatsoever or any substantial attraction. However, on those two nights, we had come home a little drunk from nights out together, shared a bed, and one thing had lead to another.The first time we did it, I expected things to be super weird in the morning, but they weren't at all. We laughed it off, got dressed and carried on as normal. And it doesn't appear to have affected our feelings whatsoever. We are exactly the same as we were before this happened. The problem is, nobody believes me when I say that I don't have feelings for her and they keep trying to tell me that there must be 'something' there for it to have happened. But I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that this isn't the case at all. Is a 'friends with benefits' scenario very rare or more common than people think? For us, it worked, and I just can't see everybody's issue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017): I'm the female anon who wrote the first comment about females being automatically disadvantaged and males being advantaged by fwb situations. I stand by my comment totally as it refers to the individuals men and women in these situations , not any women not in fwb or any so called 'nice guys ' who feel the can't get the fwb women .
The reasons I said it benefits the men and disadvantages the women was because the bonding hormone surge in women is huge and makes them way more vulnerable to attachment . This is simply science and being a man or woman who can or cannot get a partner has nothing to do with it
We are talking about who is getting the better deal in a friends with benefits situations . My point was that women need to be aware that they are physiologically opening themselves to attaching to these men.
The men on the other hand are able to have the sex and walk away feeling nothing .
Hardly sounds like a fair deal
And to the bitter male anon , believe me when it comes to non politically correct stuff in the world ? There's a whole lot more that disadvantages women that men . Being a nice guy is something you should wear proudly , stop having a Hangup about it
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017): Ad Hominem much?
Whether or not I am bitter is beside the point. Perhaps my comment bothered you because it pointed out some politically incorrect truths.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017): To Male Anon:
Any man who fucks a woman who is vulnerable in some way - and she IS if she is settling for a FWB - IS BENEATH HER!!!!
Yeah, women are always victimized by men who always think with their dicks, at the expense of the woman's feelings.
A man can choose to do the RIGHT THING and WALK AWAY from this supposed "free sex" but NO WAY. No man in his right mind would do that, would he?
What kind of a man would he be then?
Not like the rest. Somebody who has respect for women, especially in a vulnerable state. One of the good guys. There aren't many left.
So he KNOWS she's in love with him and still continues using her for sex, telling her what she wants to hear?
I would say it's men who are in total control of their emotions - and most likely who have none - who are taking advantage of a woman in these situations. A woman who unlike them, has feelings and becomes attached to the guy after having sex with him. At this point, if the woman is too in love with him to leave him and keeps hanging onto hope, it would be up to the guy, to tell her he is not right for her. That using her for sex in her vulnerable state is wrong and he has a conscience NOT to do such a thing. And he should set her free. But don't think the next girl will come with no attachment. The same story repeats itself, just with different women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017): "The guy is now the villain. He was supposed read between the lines of her words, ignore modern feminist ideas that women can enjoy casual sex too, and turn down someone offering to meet one of his basic needs."
Wow, Male Anon, you've been burned. You don't come up with that hurt without feeling scolded by a woman who didn't stick to wanting sex only. You are a "nice guy" correct? Rejected when you were being "nice"?
Your view of women is harmful to your future relationships, but perhaps you'll stay bitter?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2017): In response to:
"Fwb situations automatically disadvantage women and advantage men."
FWBs (and casual sex in general) mainly advantages the most desirable men. Maybe 1 or 2 out of 10 get most of the women. The majority of men are only worse for it. FWBs help make it more socially acceptable for a few men to get all the women.
The women are eager participants in this up until they decide they were being victimized by it. Then "men" get the blame as if all men had been equally benefiting from it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2017): I don't know about younger people's scepticism but as a more mature person and parent I have an understanding of the biochemistry of sex and this is why . Sexual inter course causes certain chemicals to be released in a female that cause her to bond to the male caused oxytocins. These chemicals cause her to feel closer and want to be with the man even if he is not necessarily a good choice for her or bonded with her . In days of cavemen these may have been useful but not today . This same thing does not happen go men
Fwb situations automatically disadvantage women and advantage men . Men are frequently comfortable having multiple women in these scenarios on the go at once with no feelings for any of the women
If you want to put yourself in a position of bonding to a male who isn't a good choice and doesn't feel the same it may be considered very foolish by some or that you are kidding yourself
Young women often think feminism is about being like men . It's not , it's about being equal , having equal rights and being rkpowered whilst embracing out differences and women and demanding respect
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 July 2017):
 FWBs rarely work short-term, let alone long-term. They are based on selfishness without emotional commitment. Most FWBs end badly, usually hurting someone in the process. They have a bad reputation for good reason.
It's totally okay to be in one, but the above reasons explain why it's rarely praised as a smart idea or remotely beneficial for the majority of people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2017): Here is what happens too much of the time with FWBs:
A girl wants a guy who is out of her league. She dishonestly tries to lure him into falling for her by offering her body without commitment. (Sort of like how the evil Nice Guys are being 'dishonest' or "manipulative' when they try to lure a girl into falling for them with nice friendly treatment.)
The guy probably suspects what the girl's real intentions are. But he goes along with it anyway because it's free sex.
Her little trick backfires as she gets more attached and he does not. Pretty soon it has to be broken off. She is heartbroken.
The guy is now the villain. He was supposed read between the lines of her words, ignore modern feminist ideas that women can enjoy casual sex too, and turn down someone offering to meet one of his basic needs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 July 2017):
 What does SHE think about it? Men are (usually) far better at separating sex and emotions than women are, so SHE would be the one I would worry about, not you.
The term "arrangement" doesn't really seem appropriate in your case. That word would imply that you make plans. Your random "encounters" seem to be a direct result of alcohol. It seems alcohol either gives you courage, lowers your inhibitions, lowers your standards or just makes you randy enough to reach for someone you are comfortable with.
If both of you are on the same page and neither of you is wanting anything else from this arrangement, then there is probably no harm in it (for now at least). However, I do wonder why you feel the need to discuss it with other people, especially as you say nobody else in the house knows. Are you perhaps trying to talk yourself into not having feelings for her?
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (5 July 2017):
On my part, 'skepticism' about the F.W.B thing is that I might as well be looking for a pink unicorn.I'm not sure what people who make it happen know that I don't, but a girl literally put herself stark naked in front of me, and 'things' still went wrong, without anyone "catching feelings".She was prepared to give some sex and pretend that she cared and that we were friends, but her true feelings was that she only cared about herself and probably used sex all over the place for as long as she could order that someone around, - when she needed someone to send her kid to boys scouts,- drop a bag at her sister's, come help her carry some heavy bag from the bus stop, - arrange with the guy to drop by her place in half an hour and somehow manage to have already left 'urgently' without taking her phone along by the time he came over.Bottom line: a narcissistic emotional abuser. When I confronted her about my perception of her as an adept at emotional abuse, instead of the mature discussion I had banked on, considering she's (how ironic!) a socialworker/counsellor of some kind, I got a very negative, hostile, even belittling response. I'm sure there's some memo about whether anything is worth anything these days that everyone got except me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 July 2017):
 I agree with Anonymous123 here.
I also want to point out something you said near the end of your post:
"The problem is, nobody believes me when I say that I don't have feelings for her and they keep trying to tell me that there must be 'something' there for it to have happened."
That's the problem with FWB's. They are selfish constructs right down to the core. YOU may not have feelings for her, but did you stop to consider HER feelings for you?? That's the problem with FWB in a nutshell. It may start well enough, but most of the time, one of the people develop feelings and hope that the closeness of the sex is conducive to feelings developing. And the other person is just using their friend for convenience sake, and becomes aware that their FWB has feelings for them.
Then is where the true dark side of FWB's happen, because all too often, the person who doesn't have feelings uses the person who DOES have the feelings because they want to continue the convenient sexual access, and they can fall back on the "no strings attached" aspect if the person WITH feelings presses the issue or makes a relationship request or demand such as monogamy or exclusivity.
Nothing STAYS FWB. Ideally, what happens is that proximity makes sexual trysts convenient, and when one of the parties becomes actually emotionally interested in a third party, the FWB ends with zero fuss.
I've been here a LONG time, and very rarely have I seen an FWB end without hurt feelings on one side or the other. Even rarer still have I seen an FWB take the actual step into becoming a true relationship, which breaks my heart because had that not been an option, it would have been possible that a relationship that went to FWB might have become something far better than just a sexual opportunity.
What will you do if you don't have feelings for her and she approaches you and says that SHE does? Will you be a good enough friend to be honest with her about you not having them back and you'd end the FWB? If you can do that and not take advantage if she develops feelings, then go for it. However, YOU might be the one to develop the feelings. Could you handle it if you knew that the two of you would go out on dates to movies and dinner (always as a single, as you say), had sex when alcohol was involved, and then she informs you that she's going out on an actual date with another man?? That's why FWB are messy.
Not to mention that when one or both of you become serious with someone else in your family, that's not just naturally the end of your FWB situation, but it will most likely be the end of your friendship in its entirety. Would you want a girlfriend who was still close and hung out with a guy who she would casually have sex with?? Would a girl accept another female friend in your life with a history of you having sex with her multiple times?? I can answer both of those questions for you. NO. FWB ruins platonic friendships. Friendships cannot ever GO BACK to being platonic. Friendships can stop with sexuality, but that doesn't make them platonic. Platonic only means that there has NEVER been sexuality between them. Otherwise, you have a sexual friendship that isn't sexual presently.
One last thing -- people often forget the primary function of sexuality, and that is REPRODUCTION. Any malfunction with birth control, and are you ready to spend a lifetime joined with your friend with benefits because now one of the "benefits" is that you are both parents?? You're in your 20's, and that's the most responsible consideration of them all.
That's why the skepticism, and there is a lot of it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 July 2017):
 Why do you bother about what other people say and why the need to discuss your sex life with your friends? If it's working for you then it is and that's that. Enjoy it without thinking too much about it.
I must admit however that it seems you're going out of your way to declare that your FWB partner means nothing to you. Are you afraid of commitment? Or is it that you find her to be unattractive for a relationship and don't want to be associated with her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2017): Well, you are in the early stages.Easy to say you have no feelings NOW.Just you wait and see.It will change.Yes, FWB can work if neither person develops feelings and wants more.That is why they usually work out for a time. Until the feelings catch up and it all comes crashing down. And sometimes, believe it or not, both people develop feelings. They may even fall in love and deny it just to keep the relationship going. Although very complicated, there is obviously something there to keep a FWB thing going for years. Affairs can be very similar.But most often women start FWB because they already have feelings for the guy in hopes he will someday care about her the same way. And a lot of the time the woman will pretend she is ok with the arrangement while secretly hoping the guy will fall in love with her. She is giving him sex hoping he realizes what a great catch she is on every level, beyond just sex.It is easy in the beginning. You are riding the high. But once the feelings come in, complications start, and it eventually erodes the fun and games. One person resents the other, holds back, pulls away, eventually leaves... it just puts a huge damper on the light heartedness and fun escape that it's supposed to be. Beware, women rarely stay emotion free. The longer you are with her, the more attached she will become. I have yet to see any woman who has sex with a man long term who does not fall for him. So, if you want this, keep it brief. Have a good time. Do not sleep over. Do not cuddle. Do not do things together. Do not give her mixed messages. Do not tell her you care about her. And do not blur boundaries.Hope she can handle it.Only time will tell.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2017):
 I think "Freinds with benefits" works and CAN work JUST fine till someone catches feelings. And that will happen. Why? Because it's a pretty "natural" progression to WANT more.
Like LDR (long distance relationships) FWB's have an expiration date. Once things don't feel "easy breezy" those kind of relationship end. (JUST like any relationship or friendship - but with LDR's and FWB's it's MUCH easier to cut them off and let go).
I can't give you numbers but going by the MANY MANY posts we have had on DC about FWB's gone "wrong" due to ONE or the other catching feelings it DOES seem like that is what "usually" happens. THAT is (my guess) probably more the NORM then not. Which is why others around you are a bit skeptical.
The thing is, IF this "arrangement" work for the two of you, enjoy. Do what works for you two. Screw what others "think" should happen.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 July 2017):
 It's an odd question: "Is a 'friends with benefits' scenario very rare or more common than people think?"
What is the point of it. If you are both happy with the arrangement then just get on with it. You don't need to be concerned about the frequency of the occurrence.
The people who offer you answers here don't have any greater access to statistics than you.
Sorry not to be of more help.
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