| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend is 15 and I am 19. We are not sexually active. Everyone is telling me it is wrong, but I don't know why. The only answers I have received so far are:-She is in a different part of life and we should have nothing in common.-I have too much power over her because of my age.-I am too experienced for her and have sexual needs that some 15 year old girls will not fulfill.We have everything in common, but the person who told me this assumed I drank and party all the time because I am in college. Her and I have all the same hobbies and interests, and neither of us do drugs or drink or smoke. She is more experienced than me, which is still almost nothing for both of us. I refuse to push sex onto her, and she says she'll let me know when she is ready and I am ok if it takes a really long time because we are really close. We also act like equals and if anything, she has more power in the relationship.Can any of you give me a reason not to date her? I have found none and I can honestly see myself marrying her (obviously much further in my life, like when she is done with college). She is the greatest and since I am not a monster, I'd like to know why most everyone says it is so wrong?
View related questions:
drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Thanks for all of your responses, supportive or not. We've made our decision and we both looked at your advice.
The only thing I'd like to say is that some of you didn't read my question properly and regurgitated some of the same crap other people told me. I don't know how "challenging" college girls are supposed to be, but every single one where I go to school is super easy and slutty. I am not sure what that tadpole comment means either, but I bet it isn't accurate. Trust me, my girl is one of a kind.
A
female
reader, theatergirl  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 The age old question. Do you feel it's wrong? Do you love her? Is she worth it? If you answer yes to these questions then keep her in your life. You love her! The haters will have to live with it. It's your relationship, not theirs. I hope things work out :)
XOXO
JL
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I don't really have an opinion on your relationship or know whether it's good or bad, I just don't understand why you're interested in high school girls? I'm 24 now, but I remember as soon as I got to college I felt I had nothing in common with high school kids anymore. They're like tadpoles, which is fine for them, but don't you want to broaden your horizons a bit and try for someone more challenging? I think that's why some might think your interest in this girl seems predatory.
But my only REAL two cents is an experience of mine when I was 15. I remember sitting in health class and one of my classmates was telling me about her boyfriend who had already graduated and he was 19. I remember being completely blown away, like that was such an impossibly large age gap I just couldn't comprehend it. I remember also wondering if she was safe in this situation and if she came from a bad home to want to date someone so much older. This is how other 15 year olds are thinking about your girlfriend and her relationship with you (or maybe I was just exceptionally stupid). But it really is a large age gap to them, you should consider that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): People will see it as being wrong simply because she is a minor. The age difference between the pair of you will be nothing at all when she gets a bit older - When she's classed as a legal adult, basically. But as she is still classed as a minor and it's illegal for her to have sex then of course, it will look dodgy on other people.
When I was 16 I dated someone who was 21 who I'm still with. That was a huge issue to everyone also, but it didn't stop us from dating because of how happy and right we were for one another. I think what clicked a lot with us was because I was very mature for my age and he never had much experience in dating and he was a little immature at the time so we got on great. But of course, there was a lot of differences between us. The fact I wasn't even legal to drink alcohol or watch an 18+ movie, so it made our 'going out in public' life a little difficult. And he had a job and had to pay bills, something I wasn't too familiar with at the time. Until I turned 18 of course, everything was fine and no one really said anything at all.
I think it's fine you dating her to be honest, AS LONG as the pair of you aren't having a sexual relationship together. Then of course it really is illegal and you could get done for it.
Just make sure she's really who you want to be with and ask your self if she is worth all the hassle and receiving comments off people. If so, then go for it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): It's funny... 15 onwards is the accepted age for a person to have begun showing interest in sex. It is accepted that we shall explore this from this age onwards.
Lawfully the only thing that might pose a challenge is sex. As no law exists against dating anyone. Dating does not always mean sex. Not at any age.
The high and mighty need to shut up and let them live their lives. Will it work out? Maybe. Maybe not.
What right has ANYONE here to judge.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
female
reader, OneAndOnly14 +, writes (8 December 2010):
It's not wrong in anyway possible! The only thing you might not understand is that she is alot younger than you and there are still alot to come her way whether it be tomorrow, or 2 years from now. She could meet a new guy, move, or experience something different that might not leave yall together anymore. Keep that in mind. Talk to her about it. I've never had this problem, and i'm 14, but my CLOSEST friend had this happen to her. She is 16 now but when she was 14 she dated a guy that was 17 and realized she had more in life coming her way. I really hope this helps you!! 3
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Marry her one day if you love her. Make it work. You two can do it, bud. Don't let what others say keep you down. Good luck to the both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): There are all sorts of reasons why people could consider you dating her as wrong.
1. She is a 15 yr old child and you are a 19 year old legal adult, there is a huge difference in age when you are that young,no matter how mature you two are.
2. It's illegal (where I am at least) for someone over 18 to even date someone who is under 16 (the age of consent here) and here you can be prosecuted for that. You don't even have to have sex.
3. Do her parents know? If not I'm pretty sure they won't like knowing that a college student is dating their just freshly into highschool daughter.
If you don't think it's wrong, then it's not as long as you two aren't having sex until she is of legal age and you aren't pushing her to have sex (which you said you aren't). I don't know why you even asked this question if you don't think it's wrong. Tell everyone who told you that, that it's none of their business what you do with your personal life. You're a big boy and you can make your own choices (right?) so make it. If you are going to be with this girl then be with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (8 December 2010):
 HI. So Im 17 now, but when I was 15 i dated a guy who was 18 and turned 19. I really liked him. We had tons of stuff in common and we always got along. He didnt push me into having sex. I decided when I was ready. After a while we ended up breaking it off because my parents found out. I thought i would go crazy without him. Now two years later I realize it was a mistake. And this is nothing she will realize anytime soon. But when you are 15 you are supposed to be focusing on other things, things she isnt missing out on right now, but will later. I cant really explain it. I know I had feelings for him, but I still feel that even though i knew what i wanted I lost things, and he took advantage of me. At 15 you arent ready to know fully what you want. I always thought it was dumb to have the no sex til 18 thing. But honestly at 15 or 16 no matter how much you think you know what you want and are feeling, you change alot between those years. And you arent ready. You seem like a nice enough guy. And dont take me wrong Im not bashing you. From my experience and my friends what you want at 15 will change. A girl changes a ton between 15-17 and so on. If you want to date then thats fine. But even if she wants to have sex, Id hold off til at least 17. Even if she says she is ready, her feelings could change in a couple of years. If you love her then wait. See if you two are still together in 2 years. GOOD LUCK :)
...............................
A
male
reader, NeoOnix +, writes (8 December 2010):
I have to be up front and super honest with you -- YOU'RE BOTH TOO YOUNG TO GET SERIOUS. Sure you don't have everything in common, legally she's still a minor. In two years when you turn 21 and she's 17, you can't take her out for a drink or to a club.
As a 15 yr old, the last thing on her mind should be sex, especially when she's got to finish high school. Heaven forbid you and her did get serious and she winds up pregnant with your child, as the father, how much can you financially contribute to the household as a 19 / 20 yr old father fresh ot of high school? Kiss college good bye because you wont hve time to go to school when you'll be working to save money and pay bills, not to mention taking care of two babies; your 15 / 16 yr hold wife and new born child. Most young men I know, would have children at a young ange and wind up leaving the mother because of money problems which is one thing that I know and hope you and your young lady NEVER go though.
Bottom line: if you love her that much, you'll wait until she's done with college, you're done with college and working, and she's able to make intelligent decision on her own.
Best of luck to you. -- Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, loveistheanswer +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Personally, I don't think dating her is wrong. Please do remember however that it is considered illegal for you to have sexual relations with her until she is 18 or whatever is the age of consent for the state you are in.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 It is wrong because she's still a child and you're close to being an adult. When people are telling you that you are at two different areas in your lives, they're not referring to the fact that you want to party and she doesn't. Believe me, fifteen-year olds can party if they so choose. I know a ton that do. What they mean when they say this is that you are going to be more out of this relationship that she's ready for. You're still changing, and so it she, and as you do, you will start to require different things out of any relationship, not just the one with her.
You say that you could see marrying her, and while that's what every fifteen-year old wants to think about, none of them are actually ready for it. Since she's barely just gotten into highschool, she's still going to learn and experience a lot that, unfortunately, you can't give her. She's not ready to settle down, and even though you say you're wanting to wait until after she gets out of school to marry her, that's going to require her to be monogamous for about seven to eight years. That's a newborn to an eight-year old child. She's still got a lot of growing up to do.
You're not a monster. Of course you're not. But if I could tell you how much I've changed in just the past two years of my life (I'm 21), it would astound you. And I won't even go into how much I've changed since I was fifteen. My fiance's ex was fourteen or fifteen when he met her. She was heavy into drinking and partying and drugs and dropped out of school at age sixteen. He was about your age when he met her (eighteen or nineteen, a senior), and they dated on-and-off for about a year and a half. She claims he took her virginity, but then turned around and slept with other guys if ever they "broke up". She often used sex to manipulate him as well to try and get her way. After they broke up for good, she was sleeping with someone else not even two weeks later and became pregnant after three months. The father of her child has now left her and she still has no job and isn't going to school. But she still goes out and parties and smokes.
Believe me, this girl isn't ready to date someone your age. She might seem like she is, as girls mature quite faster than boys, but she has yet to experience a lot of life. She still has yet to find herself. And no offense, but it's just kinda creepy for a guy who's almost twenty to be dating a girl who can't even drive. She's still a baby to everyone who sees her. Go ahead and date her all you want, but that's what people are thinking.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Society says it is and any sexual contact between you two beyond kissing is illegal, you touch her breasts you're committing a crime.
Look no matter what you say, no matter the intricacies of your relationship you're an adult and she's not. It wasn't always seen this way, in fact age of consent laws have only been recently updated, women have been married off to men as soon as they became fertile and sometimes even before, throughout history.
The fact remains though as women have begun to become our equals in society they also begun exert influence on this kind of thing and rightly so. In most countries (not all unfortunately) women are no longer seen as property that can be traded, and women themselves have decided that girls (and boys) should be allowed to mature properly before they can legally have an adult relationship. Because while you say you're not influencing her or using your power over her, subconsciously you are to a certain degree, the very fact that you're in a relationship with her means you are, when society and the law says you're not allowed to.
It's not right because she's a kid and you're an adult, it doesn't matter who's in control, it doesn't matter who's the dominant one. She is still a child, just because she acts all grown up doesn't mean you're allowed to treat her like one.
Now besides all that legal and moral stuff, whatever long term thing you think you'll have with her most likely won't happen, she'll be a very different person from year to year, this is her period of the fastest growing maturity. If you really think she won't grow out of this relationship then you're in for a nasty surprise. I mean you remember when you were 15 right? Are you the same as you were back then? No, you were very immature compared to the person you are now. I've seen tonnes of age gap relationships and the younger one grew out of it.
Think about the 15 year old you and remember that's how old she is, no matter how she acts that's her maturity level. That's her age.
...............................
A
female
reader, Molly9945 +, writes (8 December 2010):
My sister is dating someone 7 years older then her, but she is 21. My mom married my dad with a 9 year difference, but she was 25. No, your age difference is not wrong. As long as you treat her like you do it is not wrong. As long as the relationship is without sex it is not wrong. But realize this. Her parents, even if you guys have not engaged in sex, can charge you for statutory rape. They can call you in as pedophile for dating and manipulating their underage daughter, even if you are not manipulating her. I personally think nothing is wrong with your relationship, but the law does and for good reason because some guys are major creeps only looking for sex.
Really I would just keep your relationship a close friendship, and then when she is of age then it can be a "official" relationship. Till then don't do anything more then hang out and talk, which is basically what you're doing anyway by the way you make it sound. There is nothing illegal about that. I have plenty of male friends that are 20, 30, even 40 and I don't want a relationship with them. So if anyone asks just say your good friends, even though you are more than that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): i don't think you should pay attention to those outside influences because they are just speculating about your relationship....if you like each other and respect her and her body...just do what makes both of you happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 They do not and cannot understand. Mostly because at that stage of your life, it may appear to be quite a large age difference, which is why they think it impossible that you would share the same interests but, nothing is really wrong as long as you are not doing anything sexual until she comes of age. For now, ignore them and carry on being happy with her.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 it is possible that as you are 19 and she is 15 you may actually have the same level of maturity (as girls are said be mature sooner than boys - although i think this depends entirely on the individual) as long as you treat each other nice and have nice times together and give each other care and respect i cannot see a reason why you shouldnt have a relationship. you do need to remember though that if you do start a sexual relationship with her, then in the eyes of the law she will not be recognised as having the capacity to have given you consent becuase she is not legally old enough to have made the choice. in this case you may be prosecuted as being a sex offender, (even if the sex is her idea rather than yours!) this will have big impact on your life and will effect your career in the future too, particularly if you ever want to work with children or be a carer, hospital worker etc. it is not worth the risk so dont do it! but a non-sexual relationship is fine and if anyone tells you otherwise tell them to worry about their own relationships instead of getting involved in yours! i wish you both a happy future together xx
...............................
|
