A
female
age
30-35,
*adeybaby
writes:My boyfriend of 9 months used to go on swinging/sex/dating websites (the type where basically all's you want is sex) I found this out the other week when on his laptop (I wasn't snooping it just popped up) so what should I do? He joined up to them over a year ago so it was before he was with me.I want to know why he hasn't removed himself from them websites (as there is about 10 different ones in total) and I'm scared in case he still uses them, as me and him are in a long distance relationship (he lives about 4-5 hours away from me by train)What should I do? I'm kinda scared and worried...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Hiya when he took you to the sites did he show you the last time they were...visited.... OR the date they were activated? You only activate an account when you first set it up as far as im aware. If the dates he last visited were before he met you, then hes telling the truth and obviously hasnt been using those sites since hes known you. Id be a bit sketchy about it being a friend that set them up tho. 10 is quite a lot of sites for someone to set up just for a laugh, one would have done it! He must have the user names and passwords for all those accounts which seems alot of info his `friend` had to pass to him! Id think he set them up himself. Also if they just pop up when the lap top is in use, you`d think he`d have deleted them along time ago. Given his age at the time, he probably set them up out of sexual curiosity but take care anyway. He was under the age of consent and illegally using sites not intended for 15 yr olds. He may have picked up some strange ideas regarding the average woman, whats normal sex and what isnt and commitment. So be careful and sadly id say dont trust him too much, always use condoms. Its good you both had a STD check but its not a vaccination! Its just a test that says on THAT day both of you were healthy. So take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): I think it is questionable, all that means is that the account has been active since before he met you. Surely he knows how to delete his account and remove himself from the site. I think you may be wanting to believe him, but do your really think that adds up? Why would a friend of his have the power to put him on a personal sex site without his permission, think about it. Why didn't he take it off, especially when you confronted him about it.
Your decision, but I think the fact that he is on there at all speaks a lot about his character whether he is a sex addict with std's or not, it isn't a good sign that he has the ability to make good judgements or that he values relationship over sex, or that he is at all selective in who he has sex with, he will have it with other promiscuous women any time he gets the opportunity, wouldn't you say?
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A
female
reader, jadeybaby +, writes (6 December 2009):
jadeybaby is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your responces, I deeply appreciate them...My boyfriend is only 16 years old (17 in January) he put a fake age on the websites.
I confronted him the other day, he told me that a so called 'friend' had put him on these websites before me and him had started going out, he showed me the days in which the accounts were last activated, and he told the truth it was before he was with me.
I'm really happy, and I do now believe that it wasn't him, and even if it was it was before he was with me, and we have both has STD checks together a few months ago.
So do you think he's telling the truth? Or am I just unbelievably gullable? x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): If he is into that sort of thing and lives far away from you, then you dont really have much idea what he gets up to when hes not with you. If you arent 100% in love with him and can move on easily, id suggest you do that and find someone nicer and closer to home.
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A
male
reader, mnman3487  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 rhythmandblues: that is exactly the kind of predetermined notion that I hate. You think everyone who uses personals websites are STD infested sex addicts? Forgive me if I fail to understand.
jadey: Whether the exception to the rule or not, EVERYONE deserves the chance to explain themselves. And in the explanation the truth will become clear (regardless of if he's telling the truth or not), so there's no need to simply shut him out. Remember, he doesn't know that you saw what you saw on his laptop, and he's probably really confused as to what's going on right now. He deserves the chance to be heard out, just as you or anyone else in a relationship does. If you do everything right you'll have absolutely no regrets, and I find I like it better that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Well, mnmman, there is always the exception, but usually most people that participate in this lifestyle do it because they are hooked on it...and she seems a bit young to be allowing herself to be with such a jaded person...because to me that is what he is....glad your life improved for you, but you are probably the exception rather than the rule.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 December 2009):
 I would be scared...scared of catching a nasty disease from someone with a nasty hobby. I am trying not to be a prude but you must realise that if he chooses that sort of lifestyle then you have to accept him for who he is, or find someone who is more suited to your requirements. Apart from the fact this will erode your self esteem, there is a real health risk associated with someone involved in that lifestyle choice (if they don't use protection and you cannot be sure!). If you are sexually active with him then you need to see a doctor as he may have given you an STD.
Obviously you are unhappy with his website use and you need to move on with your life. You don't say how old your boyfriend is but I am guessing older if he is into that lifestyle and participating in 18+ websites.
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A
male
reader, mnman3487 +, writes (3 December 2009):
All in all, what I'd say is be careful. It's so easy to jump to the wrong conclusion, and you could hurt him badly. My girlfriend and I have had a long distance (1300 miles) relationship for two years. Prior to our relationship, I had been a member of a few adult personals websites. I still occasionally get notices from these websites on my email, and my girlfriend noticed on one occasion. Only I didn't know she noticed until I was at work and got a text message reading "what the hell is with these websites you a**hole", which was very hurtful to me as I have been nothing but faithful to her throughout our entire relationship. So, upon arriving home I went to these websites and showed her that I had not been an active member since before she and I started dating.
My advice to you is this: sit down and have a conversation with him. Be calm and understanding, not accusatory. Express to him that it had not been your intention to snoop, but that it had come to your attention that he is a member of these "swinger" websites, and respectfully express that you hope he isn't still using them. You will know the truth based on his reaction then. If he's angry with you, and says things like "don't go through my stuff", or just defensive in any way shape or form then more than likely you're indeed just a booty call to him. But if he apologizes and tells you that he hasn't been using them and that he should've unsubscribed to stop receiving notices from these sites, then that is more than likely the truth.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
Rhythm has got it right. You're nothing more than a booty call to him. So dump him and find someone who will actually care about you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): What you should do is face reality. You are in a long distance relationship with a sex addict. You are in fact what men like him call a long distance booty call.
A man who uses these swinger type web sites has a character problem, he also is addicted to risky sexual behavior.
What is a young girl like you with so many other men to date closer to home, with so many more options in life, settling not only for a long distance relationship, but one with a low life like this guy. I get the idea that he is much older than you are, am I wrong about that?
That would also give me a clue that he is really just into you for the sex, your young nubile body is what he is after. He is a man that likes, no has to have sexual variety, meaning sex with a variety of women.
He is not boyfriend material, he is not worth it, face your fears, trust you instincts and move on.
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