A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if this is long winded. I not sure where to start. I'm really hurting.I had been seeing a guy for 4 months and he said he loves me. We have been friends for 4 years before that. He always would text me every day and phoned me most and told me to not stop texting him but last weekend I heard nothing from him and he ignored my two calls and my two texts - we were supposed to go for a drink on the Sunday and he ignored me so I panicked a bit and text him saying if there was something wrong he should do the decent thing and let me know, and if he thought anything of me he would just let me know if he wanted to finish it. I also said we should just be friends as I was hurting and said see you around. I feel bad for doing it by text but he wasn't answering his phone and I panicked, he's never ignored me before, that I know of. He has already split up with me once when he was drunk which is possibly why I panickd. I want to text him sorry and why I sent it but I haven't got his number now, but I could get it off his friend. Should I just leave it? Should I have sent the text? I don't know if I've done the right thing, can't get it out of my headPlus I thought we were supposed to meet for a drink on the Sunday but he wouldn't answer his phone. I feel bad for sending the text but if he was having problems at home he could have just sent me a quick text he'd call me in a couple of days?.. Rather than completely let me down. He also has another girlfriend who he says he doesn't love but she is pregnant so he wont leave her, but he used to take me out and stay over mine on a Saturday night. I feel really confused. I really miss him but it's driving me mad that I don't know what happend. How do I get over this. He lives by me so I'm worried about bumping into him, I still love him and if he ignores me it would really hurt me. He always said it would hurt him if I finished it but then he didn't either bother texting me back. is he confused?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Update
Thankyou for all the advice. I changed my number now, decided i is for the best. he said he was gonne leave he when his name come up on the housing list. He left his gilfriend before for another woman twice but she dumped him twice and he went back to his girlfriend, also when he rang me two/three days earlier he was fine on the phone with me. Which why i was confused. But he new i wasn't happy being the other woman. i think he wanted a fun girlfriend for weekends and in the week days. He doesn't like expectations being made of him. He is a jack the lad and drinks an awful lot at weekends. he's 55 i guess some men never grow up. Any tips on how to get over it? I'm feeling bit better now but it is v hard getting over it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Ah, so he has a pregnant girlfriend, has he? In that case, why is he "dating" you? As others have said, he's just having his cake and eating it too.Short of being in hospital or seriously ill (possible but pretty unlikely) he isn't contacting you because he doesn't want to. Hopefully, he's decided his priorities lie with his girlfriend and baby-to-be.No, don't contact him again. Just leave it and focus on enjoying your life. He's not worth your time; you deserve better than this!And if you should happen to run into him in the street, don't get into conversation - treat him as if he no longer "exists" in your world!
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A
male
reader, Wildlife dude  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Well I hope he didn't have to have emergency surgery...or was involved in a car accident. But more than likely he has met someone else, or things have developed between him and the pregnant g/f. Don't text him anymore. If he's not in the hospital, he's ignoring you on purpose. Do the graceful thing and let go. I'm sorry. You really do deserve more in a relationship than this.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Fab advice auntyEm. Spot on.
Words are cheap.
Couldnt of put it better myself.
Is upsetting when you know people are wasting their time on attatched people when it will only end in tears.
Cant believe there is so much of that happening on here alone.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Darling you are well shot of this RAT. He is nothing but a cheating philanderer,if he can cheat on his pregnant girlfriend he can cheat on you PURE AND SIMPLE. Do yourself a favour get out there and find yourself a REAL MAN, who is unattatched and will treat you like a princess not like a convenience. If you see him in the street, cross over the road have nothig to do with him . I know it will hurt you but darling you gotta have more self-respect and dignity for yourself. This guy is having his cake and eating it, he does'nt give a stuff about your feelings or his pregnant girlfriend's come to that. Sorry to be so harsh, but you are so much worth than being his plaything.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 August 2007):
 As long as I live I will never understand the real reason why people stay involved with someone when they know that person is involved with someone else. These kind of games, where there is mistrust and deceit and apparently in your case, a pregnant woman all rolled into the mix, is going to cause nothing but pain and misery. I am so sorry that you are suffering over this. You have obviously gotten really attached to this guy over a long period of time and he seems to be using you to boost his ego. Asking you to text him and going out for dates with you (when he can manage it)is not commiting to you fully. This is so horrible to face and so upsetting when you have to acknowledge in your heart of hearts that this guy is just stringing you along. He has told you he loves you, but words are cheap...has he SHOWN you he loves you by giving you what you really need?...a kind, loving and committed relationship?, making you feel completely valued as a person. from what you have written (and there could be more) I don't think he has. Another woman is pregnant with his child, that glaringly means that he is having sex with others besides you...this isn't a good sign is it?
I can really identify with your hurt and pain, we all make mistakes when there is someone we desire,especially someone who has shown us some attention. Your texting him that you 'just want to be friends' and 'see you around' is just a way of trying to prod him into some reaction as he is apparently ignoring you for some reason. Most men will not rise to this, they will avoid conflict because I believe most men genuinely don't set out to hurt, but they will use your attempts to gain their attention like this , as a way to bring about the end of the 'relationship'. Its a very clever move and gets them off the hook quite quickly.
Trying to second guess what he is thinking or why he is doing this, will just drive you mad. There is no way for you to know other than by going on his actions. He is ignoring you and not making contact because he simply doesn't want to (unless something bad happened and he physically cannot contact you). Of course he may change his mind later and then it's up to you if you decide to go back with him. I think the best thing for you to do is to focus on yourself and try to put thoughts of him , out of your head. Don't text him or phone him again, leave a little mystery there on your own side...make him wonder what you're doing. Give him time to think.
I know this is really painful and crappy but by distancing yourself from the situation, you will be able to see it for what it really is. You have tried to initiate contact and failed to get a reponse and now it's his decision to come to you.
Try to give yourself time to recover and then get back out there and meet new people...ones who will give you what you really need.
Don't settle for second best!!!
Big hug for you x
Aunty Em x
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A
female
reader, anon28 +, writes (3 August 2007):
 He probably is confused. You need to be the strong one here and don't bother with him any more. I think he's not had the balls to say to you, that he knows it's not going to work out with you two. He's going to be a daddy, that comes first. If it doesn't work out for them further down the line, then maybe you could pick up where you left off. But face it, he has a girlfriend. How would you feel if you were expecting your mans baby and he was off with someone else. I know from experience that it's not pleasant, in fact it ripped my heart out and ended my marraige. I still have problems with trusting anyone now. Leave them to get on with it, and if it doesn't work out, you're not to blame. He could cheat on you the same way. He's already told you he's not leaving her. MOVE ON. All the best
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 August 2007):
She most probably found out about you & gave him an ultimatum. Im afraid from this side, it looks like he was enjoying having that cake & eating it & things have changed suddenly.
Getting with an attatched guy, 90% of the time, possibly more, will end in tears.
OR something has happened to him. Seems weird hes just not said anything. Do you get delivery reports on your phone? Maybe she flushed the phone down the loo or something and he cant contact you anyway and hasnt recieved your txt?
That is just one of the downsides to seeing attatched people. Its always a rollercoaster & you will never be their first thought im afraid. How long can you keep having those gut churning moments when you dont know whats going on?
As for the forgetting about him, easier said than done i know, but yes. I would try & do just that!
Hope it goes ok for you.
Take care
C xxxxxx
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