A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*Dave is great. We’ve been together for two years, and we’ve had a pretty smooth ride so far. He’s my first guy, and I’m thankful for the relationship I have with him. I love him dearly, and definitely see more years by his side. What stumps me, however, is how careful his interactions with me are. I get a lot of compliments, and he rarely complains about anything I do. While this seems nice, I find this behavior unnatural for him. I know Dave to be particular. He can be very detailed and frank in his opinions outside of me. His last long term girlfriend dumped him out of the blue for another guy, and from what I can gather, he was very hurt by that. He keeps his emotions in check like no one I’ve ever seen, but boy, if his ex is mentioned, I can see his pain and bitterness come right to the surface. Dave is a nice guy with a traditional mindset; he’s fairly noble in his ambitions, and wants marriage and family one day. He’ll be entering his 30’s soon. He has strong character and a sense of confidence, but often comes off as meek, preferring the friendship of women to men, though he has male friends. So what do you think? Do you think Dave is afraid of conflict / losing me / upsetting the relationship if he says exactly what’s on his mind, or do you think him to be genuinely love struck, looking past all the little things because the relationship is healthy? Dave shouldn’t have to be afraid to speak up, as I don’t believe I’m over reactive. (Maybe I am?)What are your thoughts?
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ambition, confidence, his ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Can't it be both? Yes, he's being careful not to be rude or upset you. You say he's traditional, so maybe he's just a gentleman too and doesn't criticize girlfriends? And yes, he's also able to overlook the small things because the relationship's going well so he's not worried about little disagreements.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Why is it that when nothing is wrong people think it means something is wrong? Why make a problem where there doesn't need to be one?
I think he genuinely likes you. He doesn't want to lose you, and may have learned that he has been hypercritical of people in the past and it's negatively affected his relationships. That's how my brother is.
Just reassure him and tell him it's ok if he's honest with you. That you appreciate his effort, but you want him to relax too. You're concerned he's not being himself, and you don't want him to resent you for it. HOWEVER, if he says he is being honest and open, you need to drop it. If you don't, then it means you're not trusting him or his word. That will hurt him and have a negative impact on the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): He was obviously deeply affected by what happened with his ex girlfriend and i think those feelings are still there.
I don't mean he has feelings for her but the feelings he felt when it ended seem to still be there.
He may very well be afraid of opening up or voicing his feelings in case something happens e.g. you leave him.
It sounds like you care for him a lot so the best thing to do, i think, would be to sit him down and have a conversation about it.
Let him know that you want him to feel comfortable enough to express his feelings and that you aren't going to love him any less for doing so.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Perhaps this is just how "Dave" conducts himself and how he handles his emotions or perhaps from past relationship experiences he has learned to tread lightly in case of upsetting you and having you leave him.
Either way, you need to let him know that if something you do bothers him, he needs to let you know about it otherwise you will never know it bothers him, he will learn to resent you and you guys will break up.
A lot of my friends have this issue with their bf and it irritates them to no end. Constructive criticism and positive fighting is how you communicate in a relationship and if it's not there the relationship isn't strong.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 February 2011):
well no one here can know if you're over-reactive or not since we don't know you (you could ask your friends and family or your ex's if you're on good terms with them)....so assuming that you're not, it sounds like he's conflict-avoidant, or else he's emotionally repressed. it sounds like given his past experience with his ex, he's afraid of feeling strong emotions so maybe he never complains about anything because he's more comfortable with not confronting anything that might possibly lead to conflict and stir up emotions.
this isn't healthy though, because there's no way a relationship can never have any conflict or differences that need to be worked out. if he's not talking, he's not allowing differences to be worked out. This can lead to negative feelings building up inside gradually over the long run or manifest in behavior that is not to your liking.
You can't change someone, but you could try talking to him gently without pressuring him, just more like coaxing him to share more of his thoughts. And if he just doesn't want to talk, then let it go don't press the issue, but try again another time. It also helps if you start off by sharing what's on your mind first, rather than directly asking him to tell you what's on his mind (which tends to put people more on the defensive). But if he seems uncomfortable then stop and let it go and just try again another time.
but no, if he continues to be conflict avoidant and emotionally repressed or emotionally unavailable, this isn't a sign of a healthy relationship in the long run. It could also lead to him developing depression which isn't good for him as an individual let alone for the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I don't really see a problem here unless he suddenly goes in the other direction and becomes abusive or critical which could mean he is not really being himself right now. He may love you and respect you and he is being careful to take care of your feelings and thoughts.
If he is still deeply hurt by the last relationship he may be being overly cautious if he was more critical in that one. Or there could be other reasons for the feelings he has over that.
I frankly do not like to be constantly criticized by a mate. So I would say consider yourself lucky with this one.
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female
reader, lady85mal  +, writes (18 February 2011):
personally i think men get hit pretty hard if a girl just out and leaves them so i think he has not dealt with that properly not to say he doesn't love you he just needs to be in a place that you prove to him that he wont loose you without you mentioning how much hurt was brought to him in his prior relationship...make him learn that its ok to show how he feels in certain situations.. i am sure you guys will be just fine :))) all the best.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (18 February 2011):
 It's quite possible Dave doesn't share his feelings more, because he's avoiding potential conflict. Some men can't stand arguing, due to the fact they feel like things are always their fault.
I suppose only time will tell. If he's holding back, eventually he's going to snap and that's when he's going to realize it isn't healthy to closet feelings. To avoid him snapping maybe premarital counseling will help.
Wish you the best!
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