A
male
age
41-50,
*ind boggled
writes:So guys, I've been dating this girl for 5 months now, and she keeps telling me bits and pieces of her past, without me asking her to, so not too long ago we were having some alone time, and again she blurts more things out, and I ask her "why are you telling me this?" And she replies "I don't want you to think that I've been an angel"... So everytime she blurts, and blurts, and blurts, its something totally unexpected, this is a girl who had a 4.5 year relationship that was what I think on and off, they'll break up for 3 months and get back together, this happened twice (so she says). During those break ups she'll try to "move" on, so she claims, but when she told me all of this she reffered to it as "dirt" she had sex with one of the guys, but she says she didn't cheat, but she said a quote that went like this during a conversation we had about letting my gf go out to clubs in which I replied "yes I'll let my gf go clubbing because I wouldn't want her to forget what its like to be in such an aggressive atmosphere, because you never know if we have a huge fight she may go out and someone may make her feel good at the moment, and she'll do something out of anger" to which she said "I think that's what happened to me, I said "I've been with this guy for 4 years now, and he's bsing, f**k this", altho the guy I did that with I knew for a long time".. Now that sounds like a cheating quote to me, but she said she didn't cheat,mind you the "guy" that she did "that" with is the ONLY guy that she "allowed" to "date"other women because she said that at the moment she was still "conflicted" about her ex, mind you she ONLY had serious relationships prior to that, in my mind, I think she was cheating and "that" guy was her side piece, she described it as "someone I'll go out with and have a good time with, I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time" but then she blurted out that she quickly got back with her "supposed" ex and that she didn't think she was going to get back with him, then she again blurted out "that's when I learned how to "recycle" because I went back to the other guy again after my ex and I broke up, mind you that "supposed" break up happened just a month after "the guy", I HIGHLY doubt that she lost touch with him, she claims she bumped into him again, and then they dated again, and then again the ex came back just weeks after, and as far as I know "dirt" are things that are illegal, frowned upon, immoral, etc.. As she will speak to me, her voice and just the fact that she blurts out things without being asked, just sounds like she has a lot of guilt in her, and she just wanted to let it out.. But when I ran everything back to her, in a way that I think everything went down, she started to change things up.Can anyone that perhaps has done this before explain to me why this girl talks without being asked, and what's the definition of "dirt" to you, and also that quote that she used, do you think its a cheating quote as I look at it? Thanks in advance for your answers..
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male
reader, Mind boggled +, writes (31 March 2011):
Mind boggled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe finally told me something about the situation and she said "ok, if I told you that I "sort of" cheated there at the end, will you NOT want to see me anymore? Because you're more than welcome to move on" then I asked her if she cheated or not, and she said "if I did or not, why does it matter to you? I didn't do it to you (if I cheated) so what does it matter?" This is what she always does, if I ask her a question, and she thinks its a bad question, she always use the "what if?" "If I did, I didn't do it to you" type of answers.. Then later on I told her "hey, I just don't feel comfortable, I feel that if you think I'm cheating on you, you'll turn around and cheat on me, you'll probably stop sleeping with me until you cheat, then you'll resume sleeping with me as to say "ok, now we're even" (that's what happened with her ex, he cheated, so I'm almost sure she cheated out of revenge) and she answered "at my age, I'm not into that anymore, I'll just simply leave you, and I won't have to stop sleeping with you to do that, I'll just do what I have to do without you knowing, right?... But I'm too old for that now, and my mindframe is on another level" see what I mean guys? With what she said, what is you intake on it now? Is she a past cheater or not? And she's VERY manipulative. Yet she NEVER clearly wants to admit that she did indeed cheat... That what GREAT manipulators do...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): pal, this woman has past relationship issues that have gone unresolved and shes dragging them into your relationship, which def isnt fair to you. She needs to clear her head and can only do that with recovery and reflection. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Don't worry about her past actions as much as how she views them now. Cheating doesn't just "happen" to a person like she seems to view it. She made a decision and she is responsible for the consequences of it. I would be worried if she resists saying that it was entirely wrong of her to do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Many possible reasons.
However, it sounds like she has a lot buried and she wants someone who she can trust to listen to it. She's probably ready for a serious relationship and needs to know if you can handle her past, even the parts of it she chooses to share.
"Dirt" is anything that someone isn't proud of. Good relationships are all about being able to share this stuff and handle it, and not lose love and affection because of the past.
You gotta figure out if she is worth it, and she has to figure out if you are worth it.
My wife took nearly 20 years to tell me stuff that she was afraid that I would learn about her, and some of it was like "that's all" stuff, but she was still afraid that I'd find out and leave her over it.
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A
male
reader, garcypher  +, writes (29 March 2011):
I think very few people learn from their mistakes. Wisdom is a rare thing and not found in fools. Most people who are promiscuous tend to stay that way. Thats why today more marriages than ever before fail. If someone is a known cheat they don't change because they have learned it is wrong. They change the way they do it and learn from what got them found out the last time. If people were capable of learning from mistakes, the world would be a better place all round.
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A
male
reader, Mind boggled +, writes (29 March 2011):
Mind boggled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I think she was monkey branching, I don't know if your familiar with that? But its cheating.. Monkey branching is getting to know someone with a romantic interest all while still in a relationship, its how girls jump from bf to bf, something she's done her whole life,its emotional cheating at the least, now if any touching is involved, which I'm sure there was, then its full blown cheating.. Basically setting up the next bf before the current one is over, but I think it went bad, because the other never really left that's where the "conflicted" part comes about..
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A
male
reader, Manitobesk  +, writes (29 March 2011):
Mhmmm it's not very clear... Could it be that she started a relationship with this guy she "knew for a long time", but that it was not exclusive at first because she was "off" in her relationship, but not sure if it was gonna start again?Could dirt be "making out without sex"? Like little meaningless things?For the sentence "I think that's what happened to me", it might just be that she wasn't looking for sex, but this day she was so mad at her ex, that she decided to do it. Imo it doesn't have to be a cheating sentence.Side note: it is not important for your relationship if she cheated on her ex or not. If there is a wrong quote, it is "a cheater will eventually cheat", because most people learn from their mistakes.Side note 2: if she needs someone to help her to get rid of her guilt, I don't think that using you to dump it is a good idea, because it might screw up the picture you have of her. Moreover seeing how much you react to a detail like "did she cheat on her ex?", you are suffering from it. She should find a girlfriend to talk about it if she needs it...
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