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age
30-35,
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writes: This is a bit long because I feel like I should explain everything.I met this guy randomly on a night out. I was feeling a bit down cos my little sister had recently moved in with her boyfriend leaving me the only one in the family single (except for a few widows). So when this guy asked me for my number I gave him it cos I thought, what the hell. I'd never been in a relationship before and I thought a couple dates with this guy wouldn't hurt.But then I really liked him. He was a bit older than me, he told me he was 30 but it didn't bother me at all. We were just casual at that point. But then before I knew it I really started to fall for him and about three months into the relationship I gave him my virginity. Right after that he told me he had lied about his age - he wasn't 30 he was 33! I let it slide and I forgave him because by this point I had grown so attached to him. Then a month later I discovered that he was married. He turned up to pick me up for a date and was still wearing his wedding ring.I didn't speak to him at all for a whole week, only once straight after to drop him a message that that was the end of us. I was totally inconsolable. But I wanted some answers and he was suggesting all wasn't as it seemed so i spoke to him on the phone and he insisted that he never wanted to upset me or take advantage, it was just that he was in the middle of a break up and that he wanted to meet up and explain. I wasn't so sure about this but then around a week later i saw him to hear what he had to say.He said that he and his wife still lived together but had not actually been together for a year. He said they live completely different lives. He didn't even call her his wife. He said he married her too young and for the wrong reasons and that the only reason they were still living together was because of money, the divorce process was taking ages and was complicated and they were both fighting over their share of the house.I was very dubious as this sounds like some rubbish every married guy spouts to their mistress. My fiends that I told were all very harsh about it but at the same time were only trying to look out for me. I hadn't planned on ever seeing him again, we went out one time as friends and somehow we ended up seeing each other again. It was stupid and I know this is my fault.It's been around two months since this happened, and its all been extremely painful. My friends know he is married and they know we broke up over it but I never did tell them again that we had started seeing each other again. I guess I'm ashamed. The guy has redeeming aspects to his character and I am very attached to him - I wouldn't even consider this if those things weren't true. And I think that despite everything that he does care for me. I thought I could wait it out and see of the truth finally came out (either that his story was accurate or that he was indeed still in a relationship with the wife), but nothing has surfaced. I also feel as if things are getting suffocatingly serious. He tells me that he loves me and he keeps suggesting that we move in together at some point. He's eager to meet my family and get better acquainted with my friends and for me to meet his friends. He doesn't even seem to care as much about all the money he'll lose on the house he's currently living in as he keeps talking about moving into a little house in the centre or the west of the city. He keeps asking my opinion on houses and their locations and where i'd like to live as if I'm going to live there with him too. I've recently told a few friends and my family about him and that things are not quite over between us, and that is a weight off of my mind but this situation itself is driving me mad with grief, remorse, disappointment and heartache. I feel sick with anxiety when I think about it. Partly cos I'm so ashamed of myself and partly because I'm terrified of never seeing this man again but so hurt by what has happened. He may be lying to me about trying to get his own place - I can't rule that out concerning his history - but I do think he genuinely cares for me. He buys me random little presents and he stares deep and longingly into my eyes for the longest time, and when I'm sad he makes it his mission to cheer me up. And he never gets mad at me despite my frequent concerns about everything. He is definitely not perfect and I guess its totally illogical but I do love him and I'm afraid that I'll never find someone like him. If it werent for all this I'd move in with him in a heart beat. I'd marry him in a second. But right now am wracked with doubts. How long does it take for him to find somewhere else to live? And how long does it take for a divorce? What if I'm just sitting here wasting my time, going against my morals and the good opinion I once had of myself and that my friends once had of me for someone who's just going to toss me aside when he gets bored? He doesn't deserve my trust or my faith - I know that, but is love worth the gamble? And if yes how long do I wait before I decide I've lost?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 I understand that this must be a very painful situation for you yet I can't help noticing how, more often than not, the victim is willingly conniving with the hangman.
I mean, you thought acceptable or justifiable carrying on your relationship even after you found out he was married - because it was an unhappy marriage blah blah and " he was in the middle of breaking up ".
And ?....In the middle, at the beginning or at the end, he was still a married guy. Apparently in your morals and mindset there was not an authomatic protection device who'd go : BZZZ! BZZZZ ! Red alert ! Married man = abandon ship !
If you found excuses for taking up with a guy that, whichever way you turn it, is not free to love you until his divorce gets final, you put yourself in a grey area with unclear boundaries and plenty of space for lies , half truths manipulation and mistrust. As it punctually happened.
All this not to scold you or to imply that you have been bad , weak, silly etc. etc. We all make mistakes, we all make wrong choices , you won't be either the first or the last.
But to say,- we can't change other people, nor their feelings ,opinions and morals. We can change ours.
Don't waste time in guessing how long does it take for a divorce , or to find a place to live, or if he is sincere etc. Don't ask questions about him- ask questions about yourself .
How long would you be willing to wait for his divorce or his new apartment ? And, should you wait at all ? How comfortable do you feel with having a part time lover ? How important is total trust for you ? How do you feel about living with a man whose feelings you are not totally clear about - could you handle it ? SHOULD you handle it ? Do you think that " love " justifies ANY kind of behaviour, yours and his, or do you draw the line at something ? Where ?
These are all good questions, and all about YOU, not him.
Act- not just react. Live your life- not the one he wants for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Scared541 your follow is exactly the right thing to do and you know it too.
Part of me thinks you've felt this way before many times with this guy but fell for his sweet talk every time. Because put simply he says all the right things.
Here this might help: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
It's not about willpower Scared541 it's about cutting off all contact when you decide to end it. You know he's able to disarm you with words, you know he's able to use your inexperience and love for him against you so take that out of the equation by cutting all contact and he can't do that.
As for the marriage being over that's a crock, if it was over then he wouldn't still wear his ring and screw finances Scared541 that's a bullshit excuse for why he still lives with her, you better believe they still sleep in the same bed and that he is having regular sex with her too. Perhaps even the very day he took your virginity he had slept with her too. He is just feeding you lie after lie after lie and sweet talking his way back into your knickers every time.
Look you see this guy for the lying cheat he is, you know that from the very start he has lied, even about little things like his age yet the pain of leaving feels so intense for you that you yearn to believe what he says.
All I can say to you is this. If you think the pain of the break up is bad now, just wait another few months when you're more in love with him than ever, when he's still sleeping with his wife, when your friends have all but lost their respect for you and what you're doing, wait until then and see how bad it will be. You think it's bad now, you haven't even felt pain compared to what it will be.
Don't be ashamed though, you have no reason to be, letting go of a poisonous love is incredibly difficult even for someone with years of experience. We tend to ignore our better judgement just to feel that sweet feeling of being close to that person, just one more time. It's like a drug, but like a drug it is very harmful, put simply the longer you leave this the deeper you will get, the more you stand to lose and the more shame and regret you will have.
You have two options and only two options here. Either you completely cut him out of your life, block all contact and never let him talk to you again or you continue feeling this miserable and let it build up until he breaks you.
That's it, no other option than that. If you remain in contact in any way he'll just sweet talk his way into your knickers again, friends won't work with him, talking in any capacity defeats the purpose of breaking up.
I don't see you having any choice at all but to completely get rid of him and spend some time getting over him. Mentally it's very tough to do so but physically it's the easiest thing in the world, just do it OP. This is what breaking up is, it really sucks and it hurts but it's better than the alternative isn't it? Getting continued to be used by a married, lying, cheat is not something you should even consider. Your friends can;t hardly even look at you anymore it's that bad OP, I bet you can hardly look yourself in mirror while this is going on without feeling shame.
So stop all this, take back control of your love and your life, and regain the dignity and self respect that this guy is slowly taking away from you. In time you'll be able to look back on this as a life lesson, but it's one you have to learn, breaking up is tough but it's better than the alternative.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (29 March 2011):
 this is the thing, you are very very insightful as to what is going on here but this guy is trying to fool you, his wife probably has the same problem too where he glosses over any doubt that she expresses to him, makes her think it is all in her mind.
idoneitagain brings up an excellent point! ask him for PROOF of what he is doing to get out of the marriage. i bet he won't be able to show you anything.
i know you feel very tangled up and in love with him right now but believe me, in the future you will look back and wonder what the hell you were doing with him!
to get over someone i think a good thing is to get all your thoughts organised, maybe in the form of a list of all the bad things - the doubts he gives you - the ways he has let you down - the little stories that just don't add up. i would imagine that this man has ways of making you feel very confused about things does he? the longer he can keep you in this confused state the more sex and attention he can get out of you. write that list. keep it close. read it whenever you feel like you are missing him or whenever he calls you to tell you this 'relationship' is worth fighting for. read it whenever you start thinking 'oh, he's really not THAT bad'
don't let yourself to be reduced to the status of a toy that is getting used to spice up someones faulty marriage. you are worth more than that! i really hope you can break free from him and go and get the life you deserve
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ angelDlite.....yeah I know you're right and to be honest I did want someone to tell me like it is. I haven't really told my friends much cos they don't really want to know lately and I know what they think of it all, and I know what they would think of me. I know I need to get rid of him, it's just coming up with the willpower to do it. I'm only just realising lately that his actions are quite manipulative - it always takes a while for someone to realise they are being manipulated right? Whenever things get seriously rocky, which they do whenever I haven't seen him for more than a few days and he hasn't flooded my brain, I know I should dump him and I become totally detached from him. But then its like he senses it and tells me all this stuff about 'fighting,' for the relationship and makes me think that I'm just not trying. I'm also having a lot of time away from him, so that will make it easier. He said his wife knows about me, but of course I can't trust what he says. You're right about the saying and not doing. I know his address and I can get a hold of his home number, but I'm not sure if I should tell her. I'm sure she's plenty aware of something, as am I, and if she chooses to stay with him as am sure she has done the past 7+ years despite his behaviour its not really my business to spell out all the horrible details to her. Although I suppose if I saw her it would make things more real to me to see that she's an innocent person suffering at my hands.I guess I should start thinking of it that he really doesn't care about me at all. If he did surely he wouldn't put me in this position? I feel like an idiot and I know what I am but I know this isn't going to go on for much longer even if it is hard for me to break away.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (29 March 2011):
In your case, you don't need to gamble. Ask to see his divorce papers. See what he has submitted, ask him to show you some emails he has sent to a divorce lawyer, anything which will show that he is being honest, and taking his divorce seriously. If he comes up with any kind of excuse or drags his feet, you can be pretty sure you are being taken advantage of. This relationship didn't exactly start on a trustworthy note, it is up to him to go out of his way to prove his sincerity and earn your trust. It is also your responsibility to yourself not to be taken advantage of. It won't help you to learn a few years down the line, if he decides to stay with his wife and you come to know he was just using you, unintentionally or not. He might not be 100% sure about how he feels about things, and might not be 100% honest with you, let him prove it, or go out of his way to earn your trust. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, garcypher +, writes (29 March 2011):
Love is always a gamble even in the best circumstances. Look at Paul Mcartney.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 March 2011):
hi i really feel for you! what a horrible situation to be in. you KNOW what you SHOULD don't you? this guy has lied to you, firstly about his age (not a big deal really) but about his being married! if i were you i wouldn't believe a word he says now, about his marriage being 'over', about wanting to move out, wanting to live with you, wanting to get involved more with each others friends, nothing.and do you know why i say this? its because (apart from already showing you that he can lie) these things are all 'talk' - he isn't actually DOING anything to put these plans into place. he is sweet talking you and probably (correct me if i am wrong) you may find he says these nice things to you more when you ask him uncomfortable questions about his marriage situation?buying you gifts and gazing into your eyes and promising you a future together are not enough to prove he loves you, believe me! and as for him not showing his annoyance at you for questioning his lies - why should he be annoyed? he is getting away with it and managing to fool a young woman into falling for his BS and giving him sex and adoration. why on earth would he want to rock this boat??you seem to be very aware of what is going on here but you are ignoring your sensible side and not telling your friends because you know that they will advise you against him. if you are here on dear cupid asking for nice advice that tells you all will be fine, then i am sorry, but i don't think you are gonna get it.i know how it feels to be in love with the wrong man so i do understand how you feel. the best thing you can do for yourself now is to cut him off completely. even remaining friends with someone like him is not a good idea (last time you tried this you ended up back together) it will hurt, of course it will but you WILL get over it. while you stay with him you will never heal the pain you are feeling now.i'm guessing his wife doesn't know about you? if he is honest about the marriage being over and them living together just because of finances and nothing else, he should have no problem with you calling at his home, or meeting his friends and family now. if he refuses for these things to happen; i think it is safe to assume that his wife is not aware that the marriage is over.getting together for a heart to heart about this with him is not a good idea, it will give him the opportunity to convince you he is true, he seems to be quite good at this. you are very young, you should not be worried about never meeting anyone else coz you will - but not while you are wasting your time and your feelings on this guy. when you met him you were feeling low and like you would be left on the shelf coz of your kid sister moving in with her BF, this man of yours has capitalised on your loneliness. it is said that guys 'like him' can smell desperation a mile away and this is partly why they choose you. they take advantage of your low self esteem.i wish you all the best with this situationxx
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