A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Good evening everyone. As a young woman, I am intelligent enough to understand that there are different people in this world who do not feel the same as the majority. Some people have no desire for intimacy or romantic relationships. It seems that society categorize asexuals as being closeted lesbians or homosexuals. If its not that, we are either scared, have been violated horrifically at some point in our lives or we are broken human beings. Example: I am an asexual 22 years old female. Since I was a small child, I have always known that I didn't feel whatever everyone else felt when it came to physical closeness or romantic love. I've never had a boyfriend, a first kiss or been remotely sexually attracted to some one. Not that I'm saying about that or those reasons are whats "keeping me from living life" as others put it, I simply have no desire for that type relationship. Although I've never had sex, I feel revulsion for it cuddling, intimacy and anything else that has to do with physical closeness annoys me. I don't need anyone (physically, mentally ,emotionally) because I do everything for myself and I manage just fine. Being alone suits me just fine, I like my solitude. I would hope to fall in love with my career, not a person. Do I get attracted to the opposite sex, sure. However, I am very, peculiarly picky and lose interest really quickly. Although some females have been attracted to me, I feel no attraction to them at all, cant fault them for how they feel however. I am not a" closet lesbian" as some might suggest. If anything, I value platonic friendships, intelligent conversations and the ability to understand differences among others. As some people might gets aroused by sexual desire, those three things mentioned above are what stimulate me. I believe in toleration, nothing romantic. My family has asked (in whispers among themselves, not to me) was I lesbian since I haven't brought anyone around the family. I guess because all of my other cousins have shown their significant others to everyone, you know boasted, bragged, made it official and I'm the lonely ranger. My issue with this is, first off, I am still pursuing my education, working hard to get my degree, even if I was "anatomically programmed correctly", I'd wait until I had my own life situated before I chose companionship. Second, why is everyone worried about my business anyway? What I do and what I chose is my business, not my 7th cousin and 8th cousin once removed place to know. My mom is even questioning me about why I am choosing to go down the path I'm going on. To her, I'm an immature little girl who is stuck in selfishness and denying the human feelings to take place. The only reason I take her opinion with a grain of salt is because she and I do not have any sort of relationship. Strangers who if ask, I do express what I feel call me selfish for my not wanting kids biologically (I plan to adopt), say I'm just young and naiive and attribute who I am to being genetically miss placed. To them, its like some weird disease that can be cured with a kiss or I just have to find the "right person" and if I choose to stay alone for life, "not opening myself up to love", I'll grow old and bitter about my decision. Why are people who feel and understand what I do judged so harshly and told we are not correctly formed human beings? The only reason it bothers me is because I feel as if I cannot express myself the way I would like without being asked a million questions about why am not with someone by now. Thanks for answering!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 Just to inform you that I went to a psychologist that "diagnosed" me as having been schizoid as a child/teenager. So I know quite lot about how they think and act, and I recognize that in you, hence why I went ahead and said it. Not to make you feel attacked, or tell you you have a disorder. In Norwegian it's not called disorder, come to think of it, it translates to personality disturbance.
Like my psychologist explain it, it means you're on the outer rim of the circle that is classed as "normal". Everyone can and will at one point in life, or constantly to a smaller degree, feel the same and have the same mannerism as a schizoid, but it is classified as a personality disorder when you lean heavily to one side of the spectrum, so much that you lack other sides of the spectrum.
They don't diagnose children, as children often outgrow it, on the few cases they have been observed with it. So I can't say I was/am schizoid. But I was living on that one side of the spectrum my entire childhood and early teenage years, and passing from this "numb" state of being and into having emotions and being attached to people and feel something is missing when they are not with me.. Not to mention learning social skills! Well, I surely know well how different the "normal" life is compared to the schizoid one. Ironically I am now a very emotional, passionate and empathic person. The exact opposite of this emotional numbness of my childhood.
The thing my psychologist latched on to when I first came to see her, was that I described myself as having been a lone wolf. And I emphasized that this was by choice, I preferred my solitude.
Just like you, isn't it?
I found relief in knowing that it had a name, my state of being. It put things in place for me, gave it meaning, made it possible to explain not only to those closest to me (I almost don't talk to anyone about this though) but made it possible to explain it to myself. Made me more sure of how things were, a knob to hang it on. Just the knowledge of me being something with a name to it, rather than some undefinable blur that no one could make sense of.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 November 2013):
Look, most people are just ignorant, there's not much you can do about that.
But, in a way you are "broken" but so are a ton of other people in many different ways. The good thing about you is that you're not hurting anyone and you're perfectly happy. So there's nothing that needs changing.
It's when people have issues that are hurting them or other people that there's a real problem.
By the way, you might not make a great parent. Kids need genuine love and closeness that you don't seem able to provide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): Hi,I wasn't going to answer this post at first because I didn't really know how to bring up the word "personality disorder" but Chigirl has opened the door. My impression was also that you may have a schizoid personality.I avoid the term "disorder" because being like this doesn't seem to bother YOU - everyone else's reactions to how you prefer to live your life is more of the problem. (I usually save the term "disorder" for when people's thoughts and belief systems are causing major problems all all aspects of their lives)Please don't confuse the term "schizoid" with schizophrenic - the two conditions are totally unrelated. In this situiation the term "schizo" means "split" (from the Greek) because schizoid people prefer to live their lives split from other people.As Chigirl says, getting a diagnosis may mean that your family stop being quite so pushy and judgemental about the whole thing.As for nosy strangers and acquaintances asking questions about your desires and plans for partnerships, motherhood etc- you don't really have much control there except in the way you interpret their questions and your replies to them. I must admit that I too get very irritated by questions like this and sometimes I do have to grit my teeth and remind myself of certain things....(including the following)Asking people if they have a boyfriend or kids are just general "getting-to-know-you" questions which are not laden with judgements or meanings. Just answer them briefly and honestly and then change the subject by asking them a question? E.g "No. No boyfriend - I'm really very happy being single at the moment. - I like your coat, where did you get it?"People who want to chat about their children are not necessarily attempting to push their views on the virtues of motherhood onto others. They simply like talking about their childen - and they have every right to do that. Most people like talking about their favourite things and that thing might be their kids. I must admit that I get a bit bored with people I don't really know who harp on about child-rearing (in the same way that in get bored with stamp collectors) and I tend to switch off and then excuse myself to the bathroom. When I come back (if I have to come back) I'll try to change the subject.As for those really annoying people who give you knowing looks and say with smug confidence "oh, you'll change your mind" once you've explained that you don't want children of your own..... the only thing you can do is ignore them and pretend you haven't heard (before changing the subject!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): You may be different; but you remain a part of the human race. You have all the right in the world to set your ambitions and goals first. In fact; you are not unique in that aspect. That has nothing to do with sexuality. That is a matter of choice. You can setup all the mind-blocks you want. There are emotions that are inherent in all human-beings. People perform self-hypnosis all the time. The thing is, no matter how buried we think our feelings are; they manifest themselves in different ways. They will come to the surface.You can mask your feelings or emotions, and declare to the world you don't have any. The work comes in proving it.People will ask questions; because when you don't seem to do the things the majority around you are doing, you set yourself apart from the herd. People are naturally curious.As an individual; we are all unique. However; those of us who want to claim the lack of human attraction and feeling, will draw more than just curiosity. You will draw concern from those who love you. You will draw some disdain from those you snub your nose at. I read a lot of anger and resentment beneath your writing. Try as you may to come across as completely logical, mechanical, and super-intellectual.I still see HUMAN. A lot of words on a page that still say "I'm no different than anyone else. I just want to be left alone."You can reject the human race and claim yourself void of sexual feelings. So what? Celibacy is nothing new. It is widely accepted, and no one cares more than the people you happen to be related to. You are very young and can no more tell anyone what you may feel tomorrow or next year; than the remainder of the world-population. You only know what you think you feel now.Unfortunately, unless you leave the planet; others will intrude on your isolation. Others may form feelings and attraction for you. What you are now, and what you claim to be; are only partially of your own design, as is the case for everyone else. We form our own personalities based on environment, what we're taught, and by nature's hidden design through our DNA. You are discovering yourself every day of your life. You are changing and evolving in ways you don't even know.No one can read your mind. What you describe yourself to be is purely anecdotal. Who you really are, is purely subjective. Like any other written-profile, it's only a list of your own opinions of yourself. You can claim to be anything you want, and rant for hours explaining how unfeeling and how "asexual" you are to other people. Again, so what? You can live as a hermit, but you still have no choice; but to interact with other people. Lest you encase yourself in a tomb in total darkness and silence. You reached out to this website to express your "feelings." What you know and learn is useless unless it is shared with other people. You don't have to connect sexually in the physical-sense; but you still connect "intimately;" because you need the understanding and empathy of others. Thus, you sent a very eloquent expression of who you are. This is an open invitation to others to care about your feelings.That is human interaction to vent your frustrations, state your case, and be heard by others. If it didn't matter, you would not have put so much passion into your speech. You are a self-made psychological wonder. The human mind does not lend itself easily to science. Theories are born everyday. Researchers debunk societies prejudices with facts. Too many mental disorders afflict people that make them "anti-social" and "asexual" for them to totally dismiss these traits as simply everyday behavior. Some mental anomalies are physiological, and mistaken for otherwise.You're free to be whomever you want. If it affects how you function and relate among other human beings; society may think you are latent homosexual, or may have genetic defects. Often, that is truly the case. Like it or not. I am gay, and often told it is a chosen lifestyle; and has nothing to do with my DNA. All sorts of reasons are given for causes and influences. The most acceptable for me, is that I was born this way. I may be totally incorrect.It's up for grabs. I don't care. I insist on sharing my life with humanity in every way possible. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You're totally correct that it's nobody's business. Step outside your door, and you become everyone's business.You'll always be of someone's interest. As long as anyone knows you exist. There are people who love you and will not rest knowing you aren't happy. If you have no feelings or attraction toward other people; how do you convince the people who do feel for you? How do you make them believe all the things as you explain in your post? Especially your mother?You are not quite as totally void of sexuality as you may wish to be. You have an assigned sexual identity by gender. Psychologically, you are still soft and pliable mentally; due to youth and inexperience. Life-experiences will mold and remold you; regardless of how you may feel at the present. Asexuality is just dormant sexual feelings. You can suppress sexual urges. Voluntarily or involuntarily.Sometimes it is a chemical/hormonal imbalance in the brain, and it can be treated. Your speech is just another argument that sexuality is a choice. Sexuality is literally chemistry. It can occur spontaneously. Libido can completely die with age. Eventually, we'll all become asexual to some degree. DNA decides when. Can those who claim asexuality control their dreams, that may include sexual fantasy? We have to take their word for whatever they say they can't feel or experience sexually. There are scientific tests that might expose many not to be what they claim.I err on the side of science; not unproven opinion, hearsay, and blogs by people who formed websites to convince the rest of humanity how different and superior they are. What you consider yourself, and what others observe about you; may be very different things. So you can't always convince others what you are, and what you aren't. They prefer to make their own judgements. That's just the way it is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 November 2013):
You do sound more like you have schizoid personality disorder, in my opinion. I recognize how you say you "tolerate" people. Thats what I did too, when I was younger. I didnt like or dislike people, I merely tolerated their existence. Schizoids are not asexual, but prefer solitude. They have a limited range of emotions, and no need for other humans around them. So logically, there is little desire for sex. Read about schizoid personality disorder and see if you recognise yourself. You will not get medicated, there is no medication. You will not need or be forced in therapy, it isnt going to change who you are either. But, getting a diagnosis could be a relief, as you will have an answer to give. Or at least, youd know youre not alone in being how you are, however rare.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 I am not an expert, but what you describe is only partly related to your asexuality . It sounds like there's something slightly different or slightly more going on.
Asexuals, according to their own websites which they have to inform people about asexuality, do not feel physical attraction to any gender.
It does not say anywhere that they feel revulsion for intimacy, closeness and physical touch in general. In fact, it specifies they feel the above for SEXUAL, or erotically oriented contact.
They also CAN fall in love with people , and they do- ( although I am sure that this must create big trouble in their emotional life, but , falling in love it's not something they - or anybody else as for that- have total control over).
As for doing things on their own, enjoying solitude, don't needing anybody mentally and emotionally... what's this got to do with asexuality ? For most of asexuals, their social/ affective dimension is perfectly normal , average or above average. One can be asexual AND be a life -of-the-party people person. In that there's no difference between an asexual and a celibate ( someone who DOES feel physical attraction to other people but abstains from acting on it )who is also a sociable type. An asexual is not necessarily a more aloof or withdrawn or independnet person- he/she is that, just for what concerns his/her sexual sphere, not the affective/ emotional one.
Plus, you say that you DO feel physical attraction for your opposite gender ( asexuals don't ). Only , you sort of lose steam pretty fast , correct ?- so your initial spark dies down. But, there was an initial spark.
I am pretty sure that your DNA is not damaged and you are not homosexual and you have not been abused etc-, but I am not so sure you fit as well the " asexual " definition and behavioural description ,as you think you do.
Nothing wrong with that , I guess. There's never anything wrong in being who you are unless it causes personal or social damage- which you don't. Just saying that your different behaviour seems to come from you being your unique you, not from you being " asexual ".
Anyway- try not to take comments or questions so personally. There's no need for bitterness. What's different always attracts curiosity , it's inevitable, and it does not have to be a malevolent, judgemental curiosity.
Yesterday I saw a glimpse of a girl with a luxuriant aquamarine mane, and I turned my head and stole a good look. I have nothing against fashion statements, or hair dye; and if I had a daughter I'd prefer that she had blue hair, rather than just being the passive copycat of her friends ' hairstyles. Yet, difference does draw attention to itself - that's natural, and it does not necessarily implies disrespect.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 November 2013):
 http://www.youtube.com/user/ThosePeskyDames
Check out these guys on YOUTUBE. All young women talking about and discussing female/gender issues. You might find it interesting and they also accept guest vlogs, so if you feel like having a rant...give it a go.
One of them is my daughter who also does not identify wholly with her gender and she speaks in universities around the country (UK). Don't be put off by the feminist aspect because these guys cover a whole range of issues.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 November 2013):
The world's populations is chained to specific social constructs...mainly due to religion and control, therefore most people assume that only these constructs can be perceived as 'normal' and anything else that is NOT following these constructs is deviant.
The problem is that human beings are far more complex and the whole gamut has many many variations of types, likes, dislikes, norms, ideology...but we do not, as a general populace, acknowledge anything that falls outside of what we are 'programmed to see'
Modern religion (and I am talking christianity and all it's counterparts)and culture is very damning of anyone who chooses to live by how they feel inside, especially if it strays from the love/marriage/babies formula and when you think about it...it's pretty stupid to judge people negatively who do not radiate to all of those things.
There are a growing number of people who do not identify with their gender and the 'societal stereotypes' that are placed upon it...there is scope for all personal opinions (barring any that do harm).
We are also growing a whole generation of people who have seen marriage and relationships fail on a massive scale since the beginning of the last century and that is having an impact on their perception of binding relationships...so I do believe you are not on your own in this and I applaud anyone who lives by their inner conviction.
You are going to face dumb comments, probably all your life, but you will learn to deflect them because you are focussed in other areas and determined to succeed in what you do...who knows, perhaps you will have a chance to be a speaker and share your views with others...because when one voice speaks with conviction...it will find others.
Good luck in your studies xx
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