A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband gets angry at me for stupid things. He wants me to be the traditional 50's wife, to cook, to clean, to do laundry and all that. I'm okay with most of that to a point; I would be more than willing to do it every day if I didn't work. My husband said the month before our wedding that he would call it off if I didn't get a job. I looked for something I would enjoy, but he insisted that I take the highest paying job available even though it's in a field I absolutely loathe. Now, I'm beginning to regret not just letting him call the wedding off. It's been 2 years now and I always seem to be on the receiving end of endless nagging, or worse, explosive anger. If there's dishes in the sink for more than a few hours, if I haven't gotten around to doing laundry, if lunch isn't cooked right, I get nagged at. Then, if he's annoyed because of his job, the nagging turns into anger and he raises his voice for something as trivial as washing his dry-clean-only pants even though he told me to wash them, blaming me for not automatically knowing that they were dry clean.The resentment has been building within me for the past few months. I'm tired when I get home from work, too. He gets to relax on the couch while I wind up doing all the house work. He withholds sex, whines to his friends whenever we fight, he is no longer affectionate and I feel like both his mother and a slave. I've begun to think about getting a divorce, even though I still love him.What can I do to get him to stop treating me like a personal servant, and to rekindle the romance we had at the beginning of our marriage?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 October 2016):
 OP thank you so much for the update! Congrats on getting out of that mess!
I will say my hubby and I have a similar marriage in that I do the bulk of the housework. But I have a maid for the heavy lifting and when he whined about how I did his laundry I told him he had two choices, one was to do it himself the other was to accept it the way I did it and STFU. He STFU and I do it the way I want.
again CONGRATS on getting out.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 "Rekindle" WHAT? he's an idiot that has zero respect for you if he treats you the way you present in the question. If this were the 1800's you'd understand what it was like for thousands of women trapped into what can only be described as slavery. I suggest you leave this clown and find a man that respects women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been almost 3 years now....but I came back around and found this and thought I would post an update, should anyone care to know.You all were right. He is a total arse. I attempted to leave him back then but turns out he was financially abusive, too, taking all of my money and keeping it away from me. If I ever protested, he would call me a selfish child and I would see that explosive anger of his again.I left once and got tricked by his promises to change, so I wasted another 2 years with him. Luckily I never got pregnant.His abuse became physical last year and after that I began to squirrel away every penny I could and finally rented my own apartment this May. I moved out one day when he wasn't home and never turned back. I completely cut him out of my life and I am so happy I did. I am stronger and more emotionally stable now than I have ever been. Thriving, even. I am about to start the divorce proceedings and you bet I'm going to throw myself a party when I get the finalization.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 I am not sure that there's anything you can do to rekindle the romance. It is very easy to keep romance alive when you don't live together and have no mutual obbligations, no challenges to face in your common life, no extra work ( or extra expenses ) added by the relationship. Of course it's all romantic in these ideal conditions- and if there's no mutual understanding, support ,compassion in your daily life , and adjustments to the changes brought on by your wedding life, romance dies, and the only way to rekindle that atmosphere would be to terminate the marriage, go live separately and ...go back to just dating.
I think you should just pack your suitcases and leave.
At first, I was tempted to say : be practical. Just pitch in to hire a cleaning lady once or twice a week, ( dual income , no kids, should not be unthinkable spending that money on something that would help you more than a marriage counseloir ! ) . Save on something else, make your life easier, and your marriage less stress ridden.
But, going on with the post,... yeah, it's not that.
I can understand ( not condone ) the 50's mentality, coming from a country where it is still, if not widespread, at least more present than it would be desirable. I could even make allowances for the nagging, some things and mindsets are hard to change, and if all in all he's a good husband...
But he is NOT a good husband ! Explosive anger ?! Are you kidding ?.. Like in raising his voice, yelling or becoming verbally aggressive, making scenes ... because you did not do HIS laundry properly ?.... that's insane, no private or hotel maid would put up with this treatment, the unions would hit the offending employer like a ton of bricks in no time. Why should a wife put up with such crap ?....
" because you love him ". Yeah... sigh. And I bet that when you got married, you loved him more than you KNEW him...Ah well, what is done is done. Only, probably now you have no other choice than undoing it. Love is great, but is not enough for LIVING with a person. For that, it needs to be there also compatibility, SHARED efforts and MUTUAL respect. Which you aren't getting it and have close to zero chances to get in future. So just cut your losses, and , at your next relationship, please mind the red flags.
A man that FORCES you to get a job that you loathe, or else,- did not that tell you anything ?...Didn't it suggest you the shape of things to come ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): A traditional 50's wife (of middle and upper class that is) did not have a job outside the house. What your husband expects you to do is to be twice the man he is: earning money full time and doing all he work at home. Kick him out of the house. Tell him it is YOUR house not his since you do everything in the house and you make money to pay the bills too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): You my dear are giving a true life story of slavery. Why do you put up with this bull crap? Tell him to go to hell and that you have had enough. Why did you marry this jerk? It is time for your complete make-over and it does not include him, kick the jerk to the curb and check out of this concentration camp that he has you locked into. He does not deserve you and you need a new start without this nut job who runs his private concentration camp with you in it.
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A
female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (6 November 2013):
 What an arse. You deserve better than that, you are not his personal slave. Try to talk to him or a member of his family or yours. Explain how you are feeling and make sure if possible you have support around you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (5 November 2013):
the traditional 50's position was what you should have opted for. If that meant his lazy butt had to go out and(heaven forbid) be a traditional 50's husband that brought home the bacon. I think I would have stood my ground and told old couch boy where to go. OOps, there I go again getting all opionated and all, hang in there there are many-many options avail...I think you might ought to start investigating them. You can't be two things or people at the same time. best of luck and malama pono
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): Tell him to cop on! Refuse to do anything for him and see how he likes it! You are not his personal slave! If he has a problem with what you do for him tell himgo scratch! You deserve to be treated like a queen, all you do for him seriously! He should be ashamed! A relationship and is about caring for one another. Your husband only cares about himself! Get out while you can, he wont change unless you take action now!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 November 2013):
First things first, make sure you don't get pregnant! Then, write down everything you feel and what he does that makes you feel that way. Then give him the note and say you'd like to talk about it with no anger and no judgmental words.
Then tell him that you can't continue like this and you've decided that you guys need couples counseling. Tell him you love him but you're miserable, and you just want to have a healthy relationship with him, so this is critical.
If he says no or blows you off, it's best just to leave because he'll never ever change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): The way he treats you...I would be thinking about a divorce too.It appears he wants you to be a June Cleaver and cook and clean in a dress, yet be expected to be a modern woman and work.So, what doe he do around the house? Does he mow the lawn, fix things around the house or sit on his a$$ after work while you run yourself ragged?My late husband wanted me to cook in my work clothes which of course got stained from cooking. He said I would dress up for work, but not for him. Excuse me, but I don't want to cook in a dress and heels after working all day and then ruin my business suit. I couldn't do anything right anyway with him, from cooking to cleaning. Since he was so perfect, I slowing and gradually held back on my chores and let him cook, clean the dishes (I didn't clean the dishes good enough) and clean the house. He didn't see that coming at all! My master plan worked perfectly.My late husband told me too, when I was pregnant (I miscarried) that the child would be going into daycare and and that I would continue to work and that I would not be a "freeloader" in this marriage. Nice guy!! I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I was desperate and thought of opening a daycare so I could take care of our child during the day. The thought of handing over my infant to a stranger was too much for me even though I realize women have to given their financial situations.Your husbands explosive anger is what worries me the most. He has issues and how he views women and what their roles should be in his little world. I fear his anger will only escalate and turn physical if something in the house is out order.Personally, I would leave. BUT before you do, get help to leave when he isn't around. Get all of your affairs in order and do this secretly. Get a very good divorce lawyer. When a woman leaves a man that is always the most sensitive time that a man will harm a woman or kill her. You need a safe place to go and where he will never be able to track you down. Be ever so cautious and have a well executable plan to leave. Under any circumstances do not let him know what you are planning to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): I honestly would pack my bags and see how he likes taking care of himself. He seems to have mistaken marriage as a way for replacing his mother.
If you're for any reason afraid to stand up for yourself and tell him straight that there's no way your being an unpaid servant then there's not much future in this relationship.
Of course you're going to reminisce over how wonderful things were, but that was when he was trying to impress you. You deserve more than a lifetime enslaved to someone, I would escape before you spend even longer meeting his demands.
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