A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 16 years. Sex has been a roller coaster. We have three beautiful children that are fantastic. "Susan", my wife, has been a nurse for 16 years. I've been in construction for about the same. My issue with "Susan" is that she almost never instigates sex. This makes me feel unwanted, not attractive, longing for her to caress and touch me,etc. I feel like I do all the "work".... she gets all the pleasure when we do have sex. She is very conventional and doesn't like to try much of anything new. I've talked to her about it. I take care of the children a little more than she does. The house gets cleaned only at my prompting. I do the vacuuming, trash, lawn, car care, house care, etc. In fairness to "Susan" she does the bills and usually cooks when we eat at home. We both are about 30 lbs overweight, so I don't think the weight is so much of a problem. So... sex is good when I instigate it and do all the pleasuring, but how do I get "Susan" to instigate sex and pleasure me? I think sex is becoming less and less because resentment is starting to mount. I have the attitude that I'm not going to instigate sex if "Susan" isn't and therefore there's not much going on in the sex department in our bedroom. Frustrated in Ga!
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male
reader, jkirk +, writes (13 September 2010):
Haven't you people read what he wrote. He does ALL the work, I'm in the same situation. I've talked to her, I gave her the massages, I always hold her hand and tell her she is beautiful etc... And yet I get NOTHING back other than some sexercise for me (meaning I do all the work and she gets all the pleasure) I no longer desire sex from her because it's more work than pleasure.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): I've read the original post and all the replies. I find myself agreeing with all of you. Women are definitely not like men, what I mean is this; a man will have sex almost any time of the day, no matter how he feels. The woman? Well that's a different story altogether. If it's not the right time, occasion, setting or she simply doesn't feel right, then forget it, you ain't getting anything!
I've got quite a high sex drive and I'd like to have some form of sex (foreplay or intercourse) at least 3-4 times a week. I've been married nearly 10 years (have 3 children also) and I've instigated our sex every time apart from maybe once or twice, when my wife has given me a hint to come upstairs. I've tried several things to spice up our sex life but still - after continuing to basically ask for it - I'm lucky to get any form of sex more than 1-2 times a fortnight. I sometimes wonder if she is having an affair.
But then I look at myself; I work hard all week but, to be honest, I don't do a great deal at home. I'm not someone who really cares about decor or the latest kitchen units, so our home isn't exactly a showhouse. But I'm good with the children - at least as a form of discipline for them - and I don't go out drinking or spending our money on rubbish. I've never cheated on her and I'm loving in my actions most weeks. I've always been the one to hug and/or kiss her, she has never hugged and/or kissed me.
I'm a Christian so I'm obedient to the word of God. Therefore I'm willing to continue to work on my marriage, but I do find myself feeling distant from my wife lately, I do feel like I'm being slowly pushed away within my own family. Almost like a lodger in my own home. I've talked to her about this, but she either doesn;t hear me or doesn't want to.
I know I could do this or that to help our relationship but I'm tired of it now. Like I said, I've been the one trying to build a strong loving bond between us since the beginning, I'm not getting any feedback. I feel lonely in my marriage, unwanted and unloved most of the time.
It's a shame that men have this image of not having any feelings. We hurt just like women do, we may not cry as often but we feel like it. I long to be kissed and cuddled when I get home from work. The last time I experienced that was when I lived at home with my mum and dad.
I pray that us men are seen for what we are, human beings who want to feel loved and needed.
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A
male
reader, Man Oh Man  +, writes (5 September 2010):
Oh and another quick thing. I've pulled my wife on it, telling her how it makes me feel, and for the next one or two times she will instigate it then it just goes back to normal! So she can obviously make the effort but it's like she has to be forced to, or made to feel guilty first! I'm actually laying here now having the exact feeling we're talkin about as once again she has fallen asleep!
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A
male
reader, Man Oh Man +, writes (5 September 2010):
I have the same problem and I have only been married 3years. I read a few people say to romance your wife etc. I have to say i'm fed up with it. I am sick and tired of having to watch her feelings and see what she wants! What about my feelings and what I want! Its nothing to do with weight etc! My wife is very sexy but she is the same! It's simple women are selfish! I feel like i'm a chore or being given sex just to shut me up. I always pleasure her like crazy and if I feel like i'm gonna ejaculate early, I wont let her touch me so I can still pleasure her before I do. She loves it wen we do it but i'm sick of instigating it. How nice would it be if I get in bed and she jumps on top of me and begs for it! We can all wish! No wonder men cheat, it makes them feel wanted again! Dont get me wrong i've never cheated and never would but you get my thinking. Men have feelings to, and I think women are supposed to be all caring and emotional, well how about you think about your husbands feelings for a change. It gets to the point where I wanna just scream whilst laying there. Surely i'm not that revulting that she doesn't wanna touch me any more! Us men are always expected to please our women and consider their feelings, but what about our feelings? I feel like crap every time we lay down at night! Surely the long term effects are going to be devastating? Maybe it's just me but all us men really want is a peaceful life and sex! Is that really too much to ask?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): All you women need to read this guys post. He already does everything he can, take care of the kids and clean etc..
I feel your pain
I have talked to my wife about this SAME issue countless times, every time i get the same thing "i cant do anything right for you"... There is nothing good that comes from it.
I realize now that my wife and I had some great sex adventures in the early years and looking back they all had alcohol with them. So now I have to pour a big glass of wine or 2, to not feel like Im begging. and when we do its over too quick, once shes in the mood she wants it done quickly. I feel like Im a chore.
Women I dont even know say more sexual things to me then my wife does. I am flirted with all the time. and when I ask if shes ever in the mood she says "Ya i just never doing anything about it". Im starting to think thats BS.
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A
male
reader, mfries22 +, writes (7 February 2010):
I feel for you. My girlfriend is the same way and she is 40. I'm 31. I'm getting pretty disgusted about hearing people say to do more for your woman. Look people, can youread? If men are asking how to get their woman to instigate sex it is usually because we are ALREADY doing this for our woman! Which means, being attentive, loving, caring, and overall fulfilling our relationships. Are women so blind to just think of themselves and their own looks? Do they just think that guys are tools? Did they forget they fell in love with their man because they felt that he loved her back and not that he was an "instigator of sex"??!!! Well, if that is the case then you've married a whore? I hope not! Times are and HAVE changed. It is not the world of 50 years ago where the man made the bucks and the woman raised the kids anymore. Which means women seem to need to start acting more responsible in the bed instead of floundering on their back like their grandma! Honestly, what do you think a woman would say if she wanted to have sex and a guy said, "well I feel fat, I don't feel like it?" Yeah right, she's gonna tell you to run around the block? If health is an issue then work on it together! Isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be? Teamwork??Goodluck buddy. If all else fails there is always porn, although little consolation. I feel your pain.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I would confront her about it since it isn't your job to romance her all the time like others have suggested. If she is too stupid to realize it is a 50/50 thing then dump her and find someone who is more appreciative. I really don't understand why some wives feel it is ok to act like this but it defenately isn't fair. Guys aren't her to do all the work and unfortunately a lot think otherwise and as a result the marriage suffers. My bro went 8 years with nothing with his wife and she wonders why he has a drinking problem. Duh!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Try look up your local marriage enrichment courses. These are couples' classes that take place maybe 2 evenings a week for 6 weeks; often churches offer these for free but you can inquire about secular courses that you pay a small fee for. During these classes, you get homework including sex experiments etc. Maybe look that up and see what's available. It sounds like resentment is building in you, but it won't do much good for you and your marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Ok i feel the problem is simply that your wife just isnt sexually minded.
You are both in a bit of a rut and thats what needs to change. Tell me what do you do on valentines day?, how bout aneversary?
Buy her some laungeree and put some scented candles in the bedroom, in other words learn to be romantic. Sex is mostly mental with women and thus if you stimulate her with nice scented candles and sft music, the rest will follow along.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): I would imagine that Susan is tired. She may well not like being 30lbs overweight and that may give her body issues and lead to insecurity and not wanting sex. There could also be a hormone imbalance or she could be pre menopausal. If she is tired after work or is undergoing a lot of stress this will also put her off.
When I was in my early 40's I felt the same. It was all too much effort and I would have preferred to sleep or read. I was teribly stressed at work. It looks like it has turned into a battle ground between you.
I would back off for now and spoil and cherish her a bit. Get a takeaway, do the food , tell her her body is beautiful and leave her alone totally for a while. If you can rekindle the romantic love and she feels good about herself then the sex will come back. I would also book a night away in a hotel if you can as that normally works well as all the daily pressures are removed.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
If she's had 3 kids, she might be truly worried about her body, she might be insecure, she might just not be in the mood. Go back to basics and start dating again if you can. Take her out for a meal, spoil her but don't expect the sex. Give her massages. You feel unwanted. Maybe she does too, you don't know. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but sometimes couples can become distant and just need to start over. So just get talking to her, tell her you want to have more 'couple' time when neither of you have to worry, and just get to know her all over again.
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