A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:i just recently found out that my wife is having an affair. this is a guy she worked with 10 years ago. he now lives in las vegas. i over heard her tell him that she loves him. we live in va. they were together last weekend when she was supposed to be with her mom. We have an 11 year old daughter. my wife has told me she wants to be single. she will be 40 in august. i am 47. ifeel like my whole life is going to hell. i cant eat, sleep and its hard to even breathe. i cant get it out of my head how she told him she loves him. she confessed to me only after she was caught. she is a stay at home mom and is not happy with any part of her life. she has told me that i cant help her be happy. she is going to start schooling through a govt, grant. she wants to stay until she gets a job and can afford to get her own place nearby. i dont know how she can tell this guy she loves him when they have only been together 1 time? i know they have been talking for a year. when i tell her i love her she either says i know or i love you too. i realize she is here with me and not with him. she has no way to move out and could never support our daughter and herself. she is looking to go to school for a year and then find a job. this guy lives with his wife and they are seperated. i know that she is not planning on moving in with him, because he has a home already. she acts like we're husband and wife except we sleep in seperate rooms. i figure if she is going to be here for at least a year, i can try and work on anything i can to win her back. she said she ran out crying after sex with this guy saying it made her feel cheap and dirty. she also told me details because i asked. she said she started the whole thing and that it wasnt his idea. she told him we were seperated and we are not. i still want to go find this man and tell him in person that I LOVE MY WIFE DEARLY. finally my question is how do i win my wife back and keep our little family together and should i keep giving her money for my daughters sake? PLEASE HELP .
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, curious0hot +, writes (2 February 2010):
 She doesn't want to be with you. You need to let her go. Get a divorce, and visitation/child support or custody of your daughter.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 The only way to win her back is if she wants her marriage to work out. Otherwise it's a lost cause. But given what you've told us, tell her the same, and suggest marital counseling. She may go, just to talk to someone neutral about her feelings and what's going on in her head. She may later decide to work on the marriage but it's hard to say right now. She may truly love this guy; emotional bonds can be formed through verbal communications, such as emails, phone calls even in the absense of sex, people can develop strong attachments. Your wife went searching and found what she was looking for. But is it really what she wants or is she just confused by the newness of this other guy? What you need to know is why. What was missing in the marriage that caused her to be vulnerable or start searching for someone else. Affairs don't just happen, there are usually reasons. You can attempt to work on her but don't make her feel pressured if possible. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): I am your wife (not really) but going through the same issues in my marriage-- I had an affair but my husband has not found out. What is going on in your wife's mind- here is a little insight: The affair is a great distraction and escape from torments in a marriage--for me it is alcholism and verbal abuse resulting from drinking-- lack of trust because of drinking and an emotional roller coaster ride for the last 6 years. I have 2 children-- never, ever put myself or my needs first.. when this friendship turned into an affair.. i realized for the first time in a 13 yr. marriage, i was doing what i wanted just for the sake of being able to feel alive once again. I think I developed feelings for this other man, too--but because I need to think of my children, I have stayed in my marriage. But I don't love my husband-I care about him. Everyday I think about this other guy. I just want you to understand that if your wife stays it could be out of obligation--but you do not want to make her feel like a prisoner in a loveless marriage--set her free and see what happens. I can't love my husband right now because I can't get over the "other" --maybe if I could, my relationship with husband could reform.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (1 February 2010):
This is an ideal time to go for couples' counseling. Surely you can convince her to at least agree to this. Maybe she has been feeling unloved and taken for granted for years.. So marriage counseling might be a way for her to come out and say everything that has been troubling her for years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Hey man i will like u 2 call ur wife & both of u should sit down opposite each other and put into heart 2 heart discussion. Ask her question like, why dis sudden change in our relationship?
Why hav u no love 4 this family anymore?
What have i dont 2 u ?
Dont u know the danger u putting our child.
And tell her that if u have done anything wrong 2 her she should 4give u & unite wit u and ur child ones more.
And please dont be harsh on her when asking the questions. Use a soft voice.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Plead on behalf of your daughters. At this stage, there is little you can do if she has her heart set on it. But this is the moment for you to get on your knees and tell her for the sake of your daughters to at least give it one last shot, and that you'll do whatever it takes. You're going to have to listen though, because if she;s feeling this bad and is so unhappy, then things are going to come out that you won't like. She doesn't love this other guy, he just represented an escape for her. Plead on behalf of your girls and say whatever it takes you will do.
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