A
male
age
41-50,
*ritersdevil
writes:My girlfriend and I are coming up on our first year, and we began living together about eight months through. I'd have to say in all honesty that we are as opposite as night and day....I spend a lot of time in intellectual pursuits and (just to make it clear, this is my own observation, the fact that I may be getting it wrong is the reason for the post) she doesn't think about anything. Yet, my opinion is the absolute last one that she puts any faith in.I would totally be on board with her having an opinion that differed from mine....the thought of a "yeswoman" completely turns me off. The prospect of a realtionship with someone who acted that way has come up and I shot her down because I think it's just as disrespectful as the alternative. But sometimes she doesn't have an opinion at all. She takes on the opinion of someone she works with...or the flashing box on the side of an Internet site.The strangest part about all of it is that with such a confusion about her own opinion, or lack thereof, you would think that she would give mine even the slightest bit of consideration.Doesn't happen.I make it a point to be as polite as possible when it comes to letting her know there might be a better way. The question "Can I make a suggestion?" comes up a lot, and I thought that would be decent, and I usually say something along the lines of "I could be wrong about this, but I was under the impression that...(blank)", and say that in every instance where I don't know for an absolute fact. Everyone can be wrong, all the time. I'm no different. What I don't understand is that I will make a suggestion about her hair, or comment on what would be a good first step to going back to school, or literally anything, and she'll totally discount it unless she hears someone at work utter the same thing, or she sees it on the Internet.She works in a place that is populated by complete drama queens (professed even by her!) and, her words, ghetto b****es. Why am I rating less than these people in her eyes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): do you often give her unsolicited opinions? giving someone a lot of unsolicited advice and opinions comes off as trying to control them or make them change. maybe she is eager to hear her coworkers' opinions because she doesn't get a feeling from them of being asked to change. they probably don't care if she doesn't take their opinion on how she should wear her hair or go back to school so she feels more inclined to listen to them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): maybe she listens to everyone under the sun except you because you are *always* offering your opinion even when she doesn't want it so now she just has an automatic response of disinterest to whatever you say?
OK, look. How about if you do NOT offer your own opinions to her anymore unless she specifically asks you for it. It doesn't matter that you are trying to be polite in qualifying your opinions beforehand with statements like "I could be wrong, but..." if you're still imposing unsolicited opinions on her then that can be very annoying and if done repeatedly she may just be conditioned to reject everything that comes out of your mouth now as a defense reaction.
if you're always saying "Can I make a suggestion?" and proceed to give her your opinion, why not do something different and don't even do this. Don't even ask if you can make a suggestion, UNLESS she comes you first and specifically asks for your opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): Not entirely sure, but I'm wondering, does it matter? it seems like you have a shared/mutual disrespect for one another.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 January 2013):
It sounds like she doesn't have a lot of respect for you. I could be wrong but that's my guess.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 January 2013):
Hi there. Apart from your suggestion of how she could wear her hair, it really depends on what kinds of things she does ask your opinion on.
Is it something that could be life changing, for instance?
Does she ask your opinion on something only women would take an interest in?
Or, does she ask your opinion on something that is of general interest to both men and women?
It really depends on what it is.
And it also depends on whether you take an interest in it as well.
If she simply gets an opinion off the internet, and finds her answer there, well then maybe it's not really that important.
You don't have to agree on everything, just as long as you get along pretty well generally, and are happy in each other's company.
Opinions don't really matter too much, with the exception of really important things, like personal beliefs and lifestyles etc.
And things that would affect a relationship in a negative way, if there was a vast difference of opinion between you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 It may be that you don't even realize it but perhaps the question " Can I make a suggestion ? " comes up TOO often, no matter how politely. When people really want opinions, they'll go ask them. If they don't, the most helpful, polite suggestion may feel invasive.
Like, I am giving you my opinion because you wrote to Dear Cupid. But if we were social aquaintances , I would abstain from piping up " You know , John, I have noticed that Mary discounts your opinion and what I think you should do about it is... ": because you could , not unreasonably, tell me to back off.
Of course this is your gf and you are allowed to take an active interest in her life, but always with discretion and restraint. If ( IF ) you are the hands on type that HAS to have a say about anything going on in her life, it's normal that by now her reaction would be - rapid eye roll, - switch off the audio.
Another thing is that she probably operates by fields of competence, meaning I am sure she respects and appreciates your expertise in certain fields , but not so much in others. I spend much time in intellectual pursuits myself,- but if I have to decide about my hair, I'd value more the opinion of a ghetto b....h , who knows a lot about haircare and hairstyles, than that of a male fellow intellectual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): People are taught/trained to think independently in childhood. Sometimes people are not given this opportunity by parents who are controlling, insecure, abusive and thus put limitations on their childrens level of independent thinking. It has nothing to do with respect and everything to do with her being reared into not thinking. Then in adulthood, its easier to just continue this behavior - to follow like a sheep, to be passive or to simply be too lazy to create original though. What you've just hit is the realization that the two of you are truly not that compatible. As a thinker how will you ever be deeply stimulated by this woman? Can you imagine 60 years of companionship with such a person. I think you also moved in with her way too soon. You have some tough things to think about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): If my boyfriend said something and I didn't like it, I would be very fearful of uttering it.. for hurting his... you know what. But I have done it before.. mostly cos I was comfortable around him and I wanted to give him my honest opinion. But I have learned the hard way.. men can't handle criticism.the fact that she does it could be because1)she's immature, seeks the validation of peers and unaware2)she's comfortable around you and unaware3)she doesn't value your opinion cause she doesn't understand you and you are different personality types4)She likes you just for sex.. and whatever else you say is bogus.the last one is just a thought... anyways maybe you should tell her face to face about it and see how she reacts.If she is shocked then you can be sure she didn't know about it and it was unintentional.If she has something to say, you can talk about it.
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A
female
reader, TooMuchToThinkAbout +, writes (18 January 2013):
It seems that she bases her opinions on what everyone else thinks because logic isn't necessarily her goal. She cares more about what's trending and what's in. The fact that she works with drama queens, who usually care a lot about their appearance or what other people think of them, shows the kind of person she wants to be seen as whether she admits it or not. While you might have a good reason or intelligent opinion its not going to matter because it doesn't have the same appeal as the newest thing, the latest trend flashing in her face or it probably sounds more dramatic coming from her co workers. Not a very smart thing to do in my opinion.
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