A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:why does my husband want sex from me if we have been separated 3 years now and says he wants a divorce? we have 4 beautiful children together and he says he wants a divorce because i cheated on him. i take full responsability for what i've done. we have been married for almost 12 years now. during this separation he met someone but claims that they are done. what i don't understand is if he moved on so quikly why does he tell me that he still loves me? he's 34 years old shouldn't a man that age know what he wants? i'm so confused. he also says he can't forgive me. theres days when we are getting along just fine and theres days when we just can't stand each other. then i think ok maybe this is it. but not even a week later he comes to me. what is up with that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): I am having a similar situation. In fact, I googled "sex with separation" and found your site/questions.My husband has an apartment. He/we tell the kids he is working overnight, as he travels a great deal. He only stays there 1 or 2 x a week...then comes home..and yes, we have sex. It's been 9 months and he will not give up the apartment because he says he feels as if he has a "self" there. Today, I told him that this relationship of him coming and going has to stop. It is heart wrenching. Something has to give. All I feel like is a friend with Benefits relationship, since he won't commit to making it work, he has separate financial accounts and he comes and goes as he pleases. I feel your pain.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Just because you're any age does not mean that you are a fully realized human being who has been able to overcome all his weaknesses and is now filled with wisdom about his own motivations and those of his relationships.
My take on your narrative is that he still sees you as his partner and ideally would wish that you had never cheated on him so that he could be with you as he loves you very much except that he is conflicted about his lack of trust in you because of you having cuckolded him.
I think he is throwing the divorce option to push your buttons. He wants to see how you react to that. Perhaps, he is secretly expecting you to say that you are still in love with him, that you are sorry for the affair and that you want to get back together. For some reason he does not want to show weakness and ask you back after what you put him through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to thank everybody who took the time to read answer my questions. if it werent for websites like this id be calling him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): To answer the question "why", the answer is simply: "Because he can".
We could analyze what motivates him and the full board of explanations for his behavior all day, but ultimately you deserve for your needs to be met.
It is all too common for separated and divorcing/divorced couples to continue sexual and other intimate connections. While it may be convenient, the lustre of periodic affection wears off because it screams of the big hole the break up left in your life and it also disallows you to fully free your soul up for a healthy life.
Sounds to me another case of being so entrenched in it, that it's nearly impossible to see it for what it is:insanity.
You may benefit from deciding you are a beautiful, honest, good, wonderful person whom is in full control of her happiness. Choose to accept that you, all alone, are a great person, and there is nothing you nor anyone can do to change that. Being an inherently good person, you deserve to be treated good by yourself and others, period.
In that choice, natural lists of things you do and things you do NOT do will take shape. Amongst your choices you'll see yourself deny invitations to sell yourself short to anyone you're attracted to, including an ex.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Forgiving someone for cheating is alot easier then forgetting they did it! I know from experience the confusion from being cheated on is likely to strike paranoia into the hearts of the most stable of people! it downright turned my loony! I wanted to be with her, then Id get angry she cheated on me, then id love her again, then id be angry, all I can say is your not going to do anything to stop that from happening, if you like having sex with him, then have sex with him, if not, dont!
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A
male
reader, Shashi  +, writes (10 March 2010):
I have read the replies before me and I feel that Angzw's advice is the best to follow. As she says, you must talk to your husband directly and gauge his feelings directly. You are not his sex-slave, someone he can take for granted. Like Angzw says, if he wants to have sex with you it should be for the long haul which means that HE HAS TO FORGIVE YOU...if he says that he cannot then you'd better move on. He is just using you to fulfill his urges. Provided you still love him and your husband is willing to let bygones be bygones, you must try to work on rebuilding the relationship. If he does not agree, do not dally with the divorce (if there are no other factors against it like children against your divorcing each other, etc.); divorce him and move on. You are still in your early 30s, you cannot live in the past, you have to build your life and lead a quality life.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 March 2010):
Ofcourse maybe he does still love you and is still attracted to you sexually. Just because you cheated it doesn't mean that his feelings for you stopped. The relationship with the other woman could have been to try get over you. But if you don't want to sleep with him then I suggest you tell him that you will only sleep with him when he has forgiven you. Either he's in or he's out. Since you had a marriage before, you can issue an ultimatum like this. If he leaves then you are back where you've been for 3 years. If he's in then you can start to repair the damage together.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Sex and love are two different things to a man. He can have sex without love . Sex satisfies hie premedieval urges, his base instincts or his animal urges. He may not love you but he will not decline sex from you if you still appeal to him in a sexual way.
He has an unstable nature or a split personality character like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (10 March 2010):
 He has lost his personality, sort of indeterminate state. If you are sure of your wanting, then do not waste time on loss relationship. There is no point in having sex, with the person, who has no heart for feeling.
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A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Hes using you and wants to control you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 March 2010):
So he can keep you there on a leash and control you. If he really loved you and wanted things to work out he would at least try to forgive you. As it is, I think he' just wanting you there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): This guy wants his cake and eat it,stop having sex with him and tell him he cant have it both ways
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