A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Ugh! I'm sick and tired of trying to deal with problems. I cannot begin to tell you the feeling I have of possibly knowing that I could be sharing my girlfriend...Why say that? Because I found out that whilst I was away in HK she had gone back to the dating site China Love Links. I told her to stop using that site before but she kept on using it.I found messages from her account to other men. One lives in the neighbouring city (which she just so conveniently travels to for her work every now and then). She replied to that man asking what happened to him and if he could come online to chat on msn - apparently they lost touch a long time ago (now it might be friends but the fact that he lives in the neighbouring city that my gf works in has me extremely suspicious). One lives in this city and was asking about meeting up for a coffee (she didn't reply to him).So all the signs point to her 'fishing around' for other men. I've asked her repeatedly to stop using the site but she goes and uses it behind my back. I have print-outs of the messages as proof not that it will make much difference I guess. Clearly she hasn't decided on me at all?That's my final impression - she hasn't decided to settle down with me or she simply thinks it's ok to be with other men (neither scenario fits my morals). The problem is that I'm very traditional. I believe in dating one person at a time and not 'sleeping around' or trying out others when I'm in a relationship. Strictly no hook-ups with other women - if I'm meeting someone, I'm upfront to my gf in advance and always keep it simple eg. a business meeting or a friend that will be introduced to my gf (and someone that I would not normally spend much time with). But I guess everyone has a different definition of what love is.Right now I'm furious - she won't be home until tonight so I have to wait until she finishes her work. She knew immediately what was wrong when I called her and said that we need to talk - she knew it was about the messages on CLL. I feel that I'm losing a lot of trust in her. She said she has to go very early in the morning to the neighbouring city and won't return until late at night - taking her tourists back and forth from airports all day.I let the phone switched off crap slide. When she said she was at a friend's house and that I didn't know the friend I let it go - just thought she was bored and visiting someone. She switched her phone off for an hour or so Thursday evening - claimed it was low battery (fair enough). Friday evening around the same time, she sends me a message to say she loves me then turns her phone off. I couldn't contact her all night (10pm+). She claims she was sleeping...I was thinking 'sleeping with another man'.My imagination might be running in overdrive and I'm overreacting but I've told her before to stop using the site and now she proves that she hasn't.If she's interested in other men, then she should come out and say it. I think she knows I won't stick around if that's the case. Anyway, tonight I will talk to her about it and make it clear I don't want her to use the site anymore.It sickens me that she has the number (and quite possibly the location) of some bloke in the neighbouring city. I cannot trust her anymore. Heh I want to see her skype and phone. This is not a good position to have to be put in. She wants to get on msn and talk to these men. Again, that's like cheating. I don't know what she's really doing behind my back.I just don't get it that some things check out - I've rung friends who confirmed her location while I was away. Yet now there's this crap to deal with. To think we were talking about being serious to each other. What a joke that's becoming.What's your opinions? Think it's worth trying to save this? Or should I interpret the sickening CLL messages as a sign of something more?Btw, I know that I cannot be possessive - I have no problems with her talking to her online male friends. And offline ones as well. But when messages start appearing about meeting up - I'm forced to wonder what's really going on. Using a dating site to 'make friends' is not normal. Usually it's the sign of a cheater. My aunt endured a similar thing from her now ex-husband. He would be on the dating sites behind her back. I don't want the same thing happening to me. Funny how some people can save 'i love you' and act all loving and affectionate, yet be looking around behind your back (I keep hoping that it's not the case here). Copy of the messages:Man 1: age 45, from poland, does business in the neighbouring city to where I live with my gf.21/3/10 Man 1: Still in xx? I am in yy now :) tel. xxxxxxxx Man 1.gf: yes, happy to hear from you and i thought u were lost. lol24/3/10 gf: i am on msn, are u online to chatNow that doesn't sound so bad - just seems like a friendship and nothing more.This one concerns me but she hasn't replied to him:Man 2: age 43, living in same city where I live with my gf.25/3/10 Man 2: Wow...I love your smile! Yes you are right.. you are a special girl! I am an English guy. I just moved to xx a week ago. Really I don't know many people here. It would be nice to make some new friends. I am also trying to study a little Chinese! Hahaa..maybe I am not a good student. I live in xxx in the xxx district. Do you know xxx (local mall)? Maybe we could meet some time and have a coffee at xx(local coffee shop)? That would be nice. kindest regards, Man 2.My gf will call me during her work if she can - she's always calling me to find out what I'm doing and calls me her 'future husband' and to hurry up and secure my next teaching contract so that we can stay together and visit many places around China. She's trying to show me lots of love. So perhaps this whole 'problem' is really just her way of trying to get attention from guys in a harmless way - maybe she gets a kick out of leading them on via the internet. Or maybe she gets an ego-boost out of them telling her how beautiful she is.Her job as a tour guide suits her because she is genuinely interested in other cultures (I am as well! That's the main reason I chose to travel, live and work in China). So it could quite possibly be that she is interested in making online friends to learn about other countries and their cultures. At the end of the day, she isn't very knowledgable about this topic. I've been able to tell her many things she didn't know (I used to read a lot about about travelling, watch travel shows and Western media exposes us more to travel).Anyway, I'll be sitting down to have a talk to her about it tonight and just figure out why and if she will take down her profile or suspend her account. I could've used her log in to delete the account but it's not my business to interfere like that.
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male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (29 March 2010):
You are still there because you want to be. Is she 'Chinese' because if she is I feel that the situation is worse as the Chinese tend to be balanced and respectful!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): my man uses dating sites all the time, he would spend hours on end chatting to girls on the net and i would just get ignored.
I tried talking to him, but it seem to go on deaf ears he kept using them.
I got tried of being ignored so I went on some dating sites myself so he would know how it felt to be ignored, now all of a sudden he seems interested in me again and wants to spend lots of time with me.funny that!
maybe you could turn the tables on her and see how she feels about you using dating chat sites to chat with other women.
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 March 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter talking to her, she tried to 'reassure' me that she has never met any of the guys and never will. I don't fully believe the last part. She says it's all for fun and that she will tell me about each friend. What a joke. I asked her to stop using it but she seems reluctant.I will not sit around and be used until something better comes along. Either she proves to me she's not looking elsewhere or she learns that all her so-called plans for our future no longer mean anything. I will not stand by and let someone use me and then dump me when they find something better - or let them run off and cheat behind my back.I tried to explain to her that I watched my aunt go through a divorce after discovering her husband had been using net dating sites and had been meeting women on the side. That's a big reason why I don't like her browsing the sites. If she's not 100% into me, then why I am I still here? That's what I ask myself.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (28 March 2010):
 The below message is ridiculous . I get tons of messages like that...So what? Its probably that this guy sends the same message to every girl he meets in ur girl's area.
25/3/10 Man 2: Wow...I love your smile! Yes you are right.. you are a special girl! I am an English guy. I just moved to xx a week ago. Really I don't know many people here. It would be nice to make some new friends. I am also trying to study a little Chinese! Hahaa..maybe I am not a good student. I live in xxx in the xxx district. Do you know xxx (local mall)? Maybe we could meet some time and have a coffee at xx(local coffee shop)? That would be nice. kindest regards, Man 2.
Look at this:
Message:
How are you doing today. I find this match intresting, so i thought it would be nice if i get back to you...I read your profile again and i see its the best have read on here.. Am new on here , and am looking for the right woman... If you feel we are compartible enough, feel free to get back to me , here is my yahoo messenger id ****** add me so we can chat and talk better.
Happy weekend,
******
I mean,LOL.
What you should be focusing on here isnt what ur gf is doing...its ur behavior. Do u really need to come off as insecure and a controlling freak?
You need to handle this like a man. When she calls you from now on,dont always answer.let her wonder. She has taken you for granted,I am afraid.
Or better off.....pay her with the same coin,as we say in my country. Meaning? Find someone to be talking to as well,or pretend you are. She will probably beg you to cancel your account, as soon as ur new friend will be suddenly so intresting to you. Just imagine you cancel one of ur dates with her so ull talk to ur friend! she'll go mad.
Sometimes,all the nagging in the world won't bring us the results some simple acting will.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Brutus +, writes (28 March 2010):
Dude Really? tell her to stop using those sites or your gone, there are lots of sites that ARNT!! dating sites where you can meet people of other cultues to talk with. Simply sit her down and say "hey this isnt right by me so please stop" Ill provide a link to a website for cultural chats etc show the site to her and ask her to use it if she says no and keeps using the dating sites I say bail.
http://friends.freejapaneselessons.com/freejapaneselessons/en_US/home.jhtml
there is the link show the site to her and see what she does.
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A
male
reader, Brunel +, writes (28 March 2010):
Been here and my wife left me in the end and we had been together for 30 years. My son hacked into her account and your examples could have been my wifes.
All sorts of crap about us as well talking to them as if they were great friends like you I was very angry and I empathise and believe you have a right to feel so.
You know what the next step is she will meet someone if she hasn't already and !! The first guy my wife met she had sex with him straight off, with resoect at 50 years of age she will be much more hesitant than your young lady!
Wher to go then. It is finished it took me 6 months of pain, still here 9 months later. Bottom line your g/f has lied, is cheating and seeks someone else. Do not try to justify her actions as in your penultimate para, this is all lost finish it while you are in control!
This may not be the advice you wanted? I fear!
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