A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i really hope some of you can help me.my boyfriend and i have been together for just over two years. he went through a rough patch late last year when he was having problems finding a job (and graduated college 6 months before that). we have been long distance since we have known each other. 5 hours at first, and we handled that for almost 2 years. we went through a lot together, including family member(s) not being too keen on our relationship. but he was persistent. through this rough patch last year he had so many issues going through his mind. i understand if i was pushing to get engaged (although it has been something we have ALWAYS talked about) but i guess he was freaking out about not even having a job yet and school loans coming due...etc. needless to say he told me he didn't know about getting married, didn't know if he's MEANT to get married, and was just confused. he wanted to go on a 2 month break (even though we were already long distance). we would normally see each other every two weeks. when all this went down i was so heartbroken, and he knew it at first but i tried to gather up my strength and give him his space. the break never happened because i left him alone, and within a weeks time he said he started to miss me "like before." since then things have been great. in november he found a great job and moved 3 hours from home, which is now 2 hours closer to me. fast forward five months. i was stuck here because of a full time job i had. the plan was eventually move in together, but i didn't want to move somewhere without any means of income. i was expecting to get laid off. now that has happened, and after 3 weeks i am still here. bf's job has been keeping him extremely busy to the point where he's not home very often at all. his schedule won't always be like this, but probably until the end of this coming month. at first he seemed excited about me moving down but now when i ask him he said he wants me to move down when i have a job. i have been looking since january with nothing promising happening. 100s of resumes sent out, and no phone calls. because of this, to me, it could be forever before i move down, and i thought all we wanted was to be together. bf says that if i move down now, he will never see me. part of that i get, but the other part of me is not understanding. i get he thinks i may be lonely, bored, no job, nothing to do, and miserable. but doesn't he want to be with me? it may be easier me to find work once i am down there.on top of this, his family life back home is sort of suffering. i got a little upset about not being able to spend the coming holiday with him but after he got mad at me and said i always "bitch" or "attack him" i tried to back off. i said i was sorry, i didn't mean anything by it and that i understand his problems at home are big an i don't want to get in the way of anything. (through text). he replied "thank u." the past three days he just seems so distant. i feel like he doesn't "know" about us anymore. i don't want his problems at home to make him start thinking that we may end up that way in the future. just last week we were talking about getting married and now i have that same feeling like i did last fall. i feel sick, i don't want to eat, all i can think of is this. and i feel like it all stems from the fact that i have no job now, so i have a lot more time on my hands and maybe i've said some things that started driving him crazy. i'm so sad, and i just want thinks back to the way they were. am i paranoid? imagining things? do you think this has ANYTHING to do with me? when he was having doubts about us before he told me it didn't have anything to do with me, when in reality it did. because of this, i now have problems believing him when i ask if i make him happy, and he says yes.please help. i feel like just a few days ago we were fine. i can't take what happened last fall all over again.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 I am really sorry to hear that you feel heartbroken . I can imagine it's tough for you and ,as you say, you don't know what to do.
Honestly, there's not much you can do right now. He says that he needs space and time apart from you- and you need to respect that, whether he's in good faith or not.
I guess the real point of your question is _ what's gonna happen now ? If I give him the time apart that he wants , and let him be for a while, then will he love me again and will everything go back to normal ?
I don't have an answer to that and ,since I am not a fortune teller, I don't feel like either reassuring you with a certainly yes or saddening you with a certainly not. I just would like to offer you a few considerations to muse over if you wish-
I am sure you are sort of in shock for what he's doing to you AGAIN. You felt you had a problem, it was over, and now you were never gonna go through it again. Unluckily, people tend to repeat an action or behaviour, if it works for them the first time. Last time he has blown hot and cold, made you feel insecure, broken your heart etc. etc.... then, as soon as he wanted you back, it was like nothing had ever happened, you were there for him, ready to begin again at his terms and conditions. I am not scolding you or criticizing you, of course- you did what you thought was for the best. But unluckily- you reinforced his behaviour. Now he knows he can be moody, whimsical, elusive whenever he wants- because there's no price to pay, or adjustment to make. So, after all, it's not so surprising he did it again- and he might do it again and again if you two get back together.
Another thing that's always a good guideline in matters of heart is - actions speak louder than words. He might, and in perfect good faith , have shown he cares about you, or have told you affectionate things, on the phone or by text- but the bottom line is : he does not want to live with you ( and the committment which comes from living together ). One thing is feeling attraction and affection for a girl you meet a couple of times a month, and another thing loving her enough to want to live with her in a committed exclusive relationship.
That's where I feel that you two guys were on different tracks and you maybe were going a bit faster than him, as the following developments seem to have shown.
I guess you know where I am aiming to- do you really want to wait around indefinitely hoping that he "comes around "- and knowing that he can turn against you again for reasons he won't explain to you, or for no reason at all ?
Only you have the answer because only you know exactly how much you value trust, stability, closeness- or how much you can sacrifice of these things in favour of, say, physical passion, romance,or the excitement that an elusive lover can provide. Whatever your choice is, I wish you lots of luck, and serenity in love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your reply. i found out this weekend there were some underlying issues, indeed. i thought it was just that he wanted me to wait to move down but i felt maybe there could be something more. i didn't think it had anything to do with the way he felt about me because he was still acting as if he loved me, acted concerned about me, enjoyed my company...nothing how he acted last fall.last night he tells me he thinks we need some time apart. i am completely heartbroken and just don't know what to do. i can't believe he's doing this to me all over again. i thought this was the past and looked back on that time so happy that we had moved past that. and here we are again, and i just don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 April 2010):
Yes, there's something rather off here.
First, never underestimate female intuition- most times ( even if not always ) when we have this little nagging voice which says "something is wrong "- something IS wrong after all.
Second , let's use logic : you need a job. You need a job in his town, Of course it's easier going job hunting once you are already there ! Looking for a job there when you are located 3 hours away sounds really challenging. He should understand that, shouldn't he ? Sure, he may be worried that you'll be alone, bored, lonely etc etc for most of the day- but then again, you are not a child, you are a woman, handling this problem is your choice and your responsibility, not his- and if you say you can, and you don't mind the sacrifices as long as you are together, he should trust you.
You really need to have him sit down ( figuratively speaking ) and talk seriously. Write to him, e-mail him,go visit him, whatever- but let him know that you need to make a decision. You need to know where you're gonna live and where you're gonna work- you can't keep your life on hold forever . If he still wants to live with you- now it's time to start- and if he does not want that anymore, he needs to let you know in no uncertain terms. Rejection may mean hartbreak , I know... but I donb't think that right now all this confusion and anxiety is a lot of fun for you, right ?
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