A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyoneI am about to be married in a month. My fiance is a very loving and caring girl who is very dedicated in love. That being said, I am noticing a sense of irritation in her in certain situations, irritation that has taken me a lot by surprise.To explain, I have to give you guys an example. The other day, we went out to buy furniture for the house we are going to be staying in.While driving there, she was a little irritated at how I didn't take a turn on time. Traffic is very hectic in India and I am a bit on the safer side when it comes to taking turns, preferring to wait it out until traffic eases.After this initial irritation, we parked the car and we had to cross the road. I once again took just a fraction of a second later than her to cross the road and she was a little irritated by that.After crossing, there were so many cars parked on the side of the street that I took a moment to pause and figure out where to cut across to the pavement. She let out a big sigh from the back.I didn't say anything then but as we were entering the store, I asked her why she was so tense. She said "You know I don't like slowness - It would have been better if you had just not asked me this"....I felt quite weird, as if I were talking to a complete stranger. I don't know what prompted her to say what she did. It isn't a big deal but if this happens a lot more, it will irritate me for sure and I am not sure what will happen.There was also another instance where I stubbed my toe in the dark and her reaction was "I didn't expect you to do thaaaat"....Very strange I thought.I do empathize with her because her father was very strict with her. He beat her when she was young and always wanted her to be a perfectionist. It is because of all these things that I don't argue when things like what I mentioned earlier happen. At the same time, if I don't address this, I am sure things will get worse, with her subconsciously expecting me to do things her way, even though she doesn't mean it.I don't know how to break it to her. Do you people have any suggestions?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 OP, if this is of any confort to you, I am the type that always always looks twice before crossing the street :) My point is , that you say : in your opinion. You are fast paced, or normal paced, in YOUR opinion. But, obviously, not in your gf's opinion, and since she is the one who's got to live with your speed and reflexes, if she does not like them, that's a problem, whether she is right or wrong.
Another problem is that you won't even consider that she MIGHT perhaps be right, and that, at times, occasionally , your behaviour MIGHT perhaps need some adjustment. In your opinion, you do just right, so, she must necessarily be the b...h. That too may create friction, whether you are actually right, or not.
It's all about compromise in a couple- sure, don't sweat the small stuff- but never assume that what's small for you must be also small for everybody else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): @CindyCares - You have exaggerated my slowness a lot! Pausing a moment to cross a road or to take a turn is very normal, in fact, quite prudent in my opinion!
I walk quickly and get out of the house quickly. I am pretty normal paced.
Anyways, I guess I will just have to argue this out with her to see where she stands.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 October 2013):
She gets irritated- and you get irritated that she gets irritated. There's not much mutual acceptance here- you do not make allowances for your respective , individual quirks and flaws. She wants you to be quick- and you want her to be patient. Neither one gets what they want, and both get irritated.
Unluckily, maybe you are just not compatible enough. Being in love is not enough , to last a lifetime- you need the ability, and natural disposition, to not be bothered by your partner's inevitable imperfections - nobody is perfect.
Nobody is perfect, but, alas, there are faults and flaws we can live with, adjust to, and tolerate- and there are others that will always feel like rubbing salt on a wound- intolerable.
You say that she gets mad over little things, but maybe for her they aren't so little. If she is a snappy , think-on-her-feet, adrenalinic type, she can't see you as easy going, prudent, calm, etc... as you see yourself ( or, as other women would see you ) - she'll see you just as a slowpoke , a hindrance or a dummy.
Then again, you notice that she dislikes some of your behaviours- and you take exception to that . You assume that these should be irrelevant little meaningless things, which everybody should be OK with. Sorry, but... not so. Slowness may be very annoying.
Everybody is different, and your laid back personality may be a bliss for some people- and a red rag waved under a bull's nose for other people.
I know this is not very comforting said at one month from the wedding- but you both need to stop and think if you love enough to develop mutual tolerance, mutual acceptance, and love each other enough to take each other's flaws with a shrug and an affectionate smile. Otherwise, one gets sick and tired and disgusted of recurring, never ceasing " little " things, same as of one time only huge things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): Those little things made her irritated because to her they are the symptom of a bigger problem she perceives in you ahoy she does have a major issue with. I think you should reconsider if you should marry her because this will get worse as the years pass. Certainly if you marry and have kids there are now a million more things she can find fault with in you. It will never be as good as now! If that is a scary thought then you should think again if you really should marry her.I think her irritation is because those little things you did are not isolated events to her. She perceives some major larger-picture general problen with you and those little things are signs of it or reminders of it. For example she may perceive you to be too passive, weak, not take-charge type of guy which in turn feels like to her that you will not be a good protector and provider like a traditional image of a husband. That is just my guess. If this is how she secretly feels about you then any small sign that seems to confirm this will upset her because it means she is facing the possible reality that she is making a mistake in her choice of husband.That is just my guess. Basically I think she got irritated because to her it is an example of some negative picture she already has on her mind.Another possibility is that she is very impatient person in general but only shows it to people she feels comfortable to show it to. She would not show it to a coworker or boss for example. Because she knows there are consequences. But with you she knows there are no consequences so she is free to express all her sour attitudes and moods. The test if this is the case is if she also does this to her family members that she feels are her equals. She would not do it to her father, for example. But what about her siblings?
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (16 October 2013):
Your fiancee reminds me a little bit of my old self. I used to think an ex-boyfriend was irritating because he took ages to get out of the house, and that would cause in wasting a nice day. Finally, I learned that I cannot change his behaviour, only my own attitude, and now I've become a more patient person. You cannot change her, only adapt your own behaviour, though please be true to yourself. Personally, I always pick safety over speed. So if you sincerely agree, stick to it. That being said, if you think there's any right to her feeling the way she does, explain to her that you did not have the same training as she did, so perhaps ask her to give you a little course in (what she would like to call) Time Management or Awareness. Get her to teach you! This might even lead to her realizing how ridiculous she is. Or it might make you super efficient!Bonne Chance
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A
female
reader, Miss.Cupid  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 welcome to the married life! kidding. But you are going to marry her in a month. Maybe its just the bridezilla in her. but to be honest all women are like that, complain for unnecessary things. Like i stated before it may be the nervousness because the wedding is near by or youre looking at the lifetime with her. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 October 2013):
You're describing my wife. A lifetime of strict parenting can't be undone by a few conversations. Even therapy may not work because she probably doesn't think she's the problem, you are.
You're going to have to make a choice. Do you love her enough to accept who she is, flaws and all? Or will it be the source of endless arguments that eventually cause the relationship to fail? Or, you could just leave now, telling her that you have recently realized you're not compatible?
For me, I chose the first option. I told her that the world won't fall apart if I'm a little slower or more careful then you when I do things, so try to remember that when your instinct is to get irritated with me.
When she's in a good mood it's usually okay, but when she's already in a bad mood I completely ignore the bitching and try my best not to take it personally.
A word of advice: it can be difficult because you may feel like less of a man sometimes. And truth be told, she probably wouldn't talk to you like that if she was afraid of you, like her father. But it's not really an option in my opinion, to act like the abuser to protect your manhood.
Additionally, she'll be like this with your kids. Hopefully a little more forgiving, but don't count on it. This is one area of our relationship we still struggle with. I will not tolerate my wife acting that way with the children and it causes a fight just about every time.
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