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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have a 17 year old daughter who has an very controlling, jealous boyfriend. He left for college and is still controlling her. He tells her where she can work, go, who she can hang out with and even what she can/can't wear sometimes. No one in our family is this way and I don't understand why she accepts this behavior. Please tell me how to get rid of this guy!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): It would do some good to bust them up and get her spending time with other people in theory.
But in practice, it won't do any good if you separate her from this loser before she herself has actually fallen out of infatuation with him. (Otherwise, you can look for a long string of similiar losers, and maybe even daydreaming about this one for years to come despite being with better guys . . . )
The best thing to happen here is for you to cause HER to decide she's through with him. If you make the BF a "forbidden fruit" then it will probably only make him even more of a perverse delight to her because of the rebellious-ness of it all. (Whether she will admit this to herself or not.)
SHE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT THIS GUY CAN ONLY MAKE HER FEEL SO GOOD OCCASIONALLY BECAUSE HE IS ALSO MAKING HER FEEL BAD THE REST OF THE TIME. HE IS NOT LIFTING HER UP, HE IS KNOCKING HER DOWN AND THEN LIFTING HER BACK TO WHERE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. The sooner she realizes this, the better off she'll be.
Sooner or later he'll probably ophysically beat her up if he isn't doing it already. Be wary of this. Being physically beaten up does not in any way even guarantee that she'll leave him either.
And the relationship-development effects of this situation will damage her for years, maybe even decades to come. That's another thing that she REALLY needs to intellectually hear & understand, even if she's not emotionally ready to acknowledge the truth of it and leave him for a while yet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): You daughter is involved with a man who is showing signing of being an abuser and she is the victim. What you are seeing is just the tip of the iceberg, hun. The reasons she is putting up with this is because there is a good chance her bf is not always this jealous and controlling with her. It's likely that when he is mistreating her, he shows remorse, promising her that he will change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad-times and in-between times. However, the longer this relationship continues, the less likely there will be any 'good' times at all. The first thing you should do is gather information about domestic viloence and abuse. Contact and and all Women's Aid Services in your area that assist abused women. You minister at church or your family doctor show have the contatc numbers you will need. It is there that you will be provided with advice, support and other needed services in helping your daughter.
Act quickly and get advisement from these people trained to help you understand and they will teach you what you need to say and do to get through to your daughter. Good luck, dear and I wish you strength and the best in helping her through this difficult time.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (18 October 2007):
 Im going to be very upfront right now and then I will be nice. Okay? Why are you putting up with this behavior from this BOY? This is your daughter. You pay for her food, insurance and etc, right? You have the final say in her life not someone outside your family. You intercept ALL phone calls, email and etc and you tell him to leave your girl alone. He is crossing boundaries he has NO BUSINESS crossing. A stern talking to and a baseball bat will make you the gate keeper. Don't put up with that mess.
You daughter may be believing that because this is the only guy interested in her that this is all she can get and quite frankly he is at the bottom of the barrel. Shut off all communication between them. Threated to call the police and do what you need to do to get this boy to understand that your daughter is not his property.
Then you sit your girl down and you explain to her what a real man is. She wasn't born to be a slave. She was born to have a life of purpose, to do all the desires in her heart and to use her talents as God gave them to her.
That young man's behavior is to no longer be tolerated. Even if your girl fusses about it, it is better that she be mad at you than slapped or violently abused by someone no one tried to stop. That boy has insecurity issues and is to have no power over YOUR child ever again. Get whatever men in your family to help on this and make sure that this relationship is broken for good.
* I thoroughly agree with lovejunkies advice too.
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female
reader, lovejunkie  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Instead of telling her how you feel about her b/f why not take her out to lunch sometime and talk to her woman to woman and simply ask her how she feels about her b/f? How does she feel when he gets jealous, or tells her what to do? Ask her if his behavior makes her feel valued, or smothered? And try to use a tone of voice you'd use if you were talking to one of your own girlfriend's. Once she feels relaxed around you, she may talk freely. You may discover that she enjoys it because it makes her feel loved. You may then be able to explain to her that love doesn't come in the form of control, and if he's like this now, it'll only get worse later. Perhaps you'll give her something to chew on. Then again, she may actually open up and tell you she hates it. If so, calmly mention that she might want to think about using this time to search out a new partner, since he's away at school, and thus release herself from his clutches. Just try to stay as neutral and loving as possible. She will need you for support later and if this conversation goes well between the two of you, she will be more likely to take your advice as time goes by, as long as she doesn't feel like your trying to hard to pull them apart. Good luck.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 October 2007):
 One of my daughters had a boyfriend I absolutely disliked. I knew better than to try and change her mind about dating him, so I just bit my lip and hoped for the best. One day she asked me what I thought about him and I answered her honestly but I DID NOT try to convince her to stop dating him. Eventually she figured out for herself what a creep he was and moved onto greener pastures. Since the control freak is away at school there is a good chance the romance may wither, I hope for your sake as well as your daughter's that happens. Good luck and keep us posted.
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female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Ive been in this situation everyone could see what my boyfriend was like but me, even when he changed my passowrds on the computer and called everyone on my phone to check who they were i wasnt even allowed male friends and everyone told me but i wouldnt believe them, she will figure it out for herself something will happen to make her think "this isnt right" but if you really want her to see sense sit down and have a chat with her just see what happens.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (17 October 2007):
It's not up to you to get rid of him. You might point out to her that controlling guys like him tend to get worse as time goes on. Eventually she will figure it out. Now she sees it as a sign of love.
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female
reader, samohir  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 at that age , I dont think you can do much. If you start to forbide her from seeing him, she would certainly grow angry and in a way hate you for that. So the best solution is to show her Love, tell her that You re supporting and Love her, and if any occassion will allow that, speak with her about her Bf, what she feels about him, how her attidute is etc... Than you could just tell Ur opinion, as mother and an adult with experiance, That you dont think he is Right man for her, That she deserves better, and let her to make decision on her own.
But tell her, and be careful not to presure her.
Hope this was helpful,
Good luck
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Unfortunately you can't get rid of him because if you try with your daughter being the age she is it would more than likely push her to him even more, you just have to voice your concerns to her as a worried mother and just hope that she will see where you are coming from.
It may take a while before she realises what he is like and decide that she is actually worth more than that but at least he is out of the way at the moment.
Take care.xx.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): either your daughter is scared or thinks shes in love. I've been in this situation and Im not that much older than your daughter.Do what my mom did scare her let her know that the next step is physical abuse she'll pretend not to care or say your insane but it will help. Tell her storys about girls who have been killed by obsessed boyfriends or girls that have almost been killed but have perm. scars or burn marks from these men. She'll listen life is way to precious to allow any man to take control of it...
hope it helps,
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