A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for a year and 4 months now. I love him, he loves me. We tell each other this regularly and do little things to show we care (he folds my laundry, I cook him breakfast, etc.)But honestly, I feel like I do those things a bit more than he does. He often says lightheartedly that I spoil him, and I generally agree that I do: I rub his feet, I think about what groceries he needs and pick them up next time I'm at the store, I sometimes bring him lunch at work, I do romantic things for him - I once snuck a clever, sexy little note into his office mailbox; his coworker was there when he read it, and he was like, "Man, I wish I had a woman who did stuff like that for me!" (My bf says the guy has a bit of a crush on me now!)I guess, my question is: Why does it seem like HE doesn't see how lucky he's got it? If you were to ask him, he would openly tell you his girlfriend is the best and proceed to sing my praises... but he doesn't call me for days (and sometimes takes a day or so to return my call) and just generally doesn't think about how to make my life a little easier (something I am always thinking about for him).For example, he doesn't have a car (he's not very well off and he lives right next to work and nightlife anyway). I DO have a car. We live an hour apart. For the past year and 4 months, I have been driving nearly every weekend to see him - though I should mention I also have family and friends in that same town. About a year in, I realized there is a bus that costs about 30 bucks roundtrip between our two cities. The bus stop is 5 mins walk from his house. I gently mentioned this as an idea for when my work stuff started to get busy again in the fall. He agreed it was a good idea. Fast-forward three months later and I had to ask him to please come see me one weekend. You'd think after a year he'd be eager to prove he wasn't just out for a free ride!I feel like - he's not afraid of losing me. I could try to take myself out of the picture, but the thing is, he would let me. He wouldn't try to stop me. He's one of those guys who thinks "Well, if that's what she wants... If she's unhappy and I'm the cause of it... ok, then." Even though I know he'd be heartbroken if I left him, he would just let me do it.It doesn't sound terribly magnanimous of me to say (and I'd NEVER phrase it to him this way) but the thing is, plenty of people who don't know us well would wonder what the hell I'm doing with this guy from all the superficial standpoints (age, looks, money, social background, professional success/promise, etc.) All I want in return is someone whose as devoted to me as I am to him, someone who is actively enthusiastic about being with me. Is there something I can do/say that will get him to think more about me and what I want/need/feel... or should I consider that maybe I am in love with the wrong guy?
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Just talk to him! He's not a mind-reader, he doesn't know that what he's doing is inadequate for you, nor that you're keeping score in a tit-for-tat thoughtful gesture competition.
Why would he think something was wrong when you keep doing 3 tits regardless of his one tat. Wow... that sounds wrong, but I'm keeping it in as an homage to "total recall".
Its not fair to simply assume that he wouldn't chase you if you left him... I think if you are truly as out of his league as you imply, there's a damn good chance he'll cling onto you for dear life.
Just talk- don't rehearse it, just let it all out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 You are in love with the wrong guy.
You said it yourself : if you should take yourself out of the picture, he would be sad ,but would not try to stop you. He'd say : Ah that's life..next.
I take that, instead, if he should try to take himself out of the picture, you'd fight like a lioness to keep him in it.
Maybe you just have more feelings for him than viceversa, or maybe this is just is personality, the way he is.
In any case it shows a inbalance in the relationship and I am not sure you can fix it.
The problem is that a lot of people adores getting affection and attention and feeling like they are the center of somebody's universe- and why shouldn't they, it's a lovely sensation.
But as for reciprocating, and make their partner feel lavished upon with affection, attention etc.- well, that takes time , energy, thought, money. EFFORT, in a word.
They don't feel they can make the effort, or simply they don't want to do any effort.
See the bus episode.
It's very difficult to reproportion the give-and-take when it does not flow naturally or when it got out of hand.
I think that eiher you accept that there are things your bf is never gonna give you, or you look for another guy who can give you what you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): You're certainly keeping score here. You do four nice things, he does two, so you're ahead. If it's truly important that the score be even, you should talk to your boyfriend about it. Insist he come visit you via the bus; maybe he hasn't yet because he's worried about the cost.
Besides, if you dislike so much that you do so many nice things for him, cut back a little. Don't buy his groceries at every drop of the hat or drive all the way to his workplace (an hour drive!) to drop off his lunch. Maybe he'll catch on and start doing things for you, who knows!
He clearly appreciates you in his life; he shares how much he loves you with his coworkers and he expresses that you spoil him and you're the best. It sounds like he'd be devastated if he lost you.
Don't overthink and overanalyze. Sometimes guys just have different ways of expressing love than their significant others do. You do lots of favors, but maybe his way of expressing love is different, and he's actually reciprocating your care, but in a different way.
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