A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged currently and we had a date picked out already but now he is saying he needs time to think about getting married now. I can't be mad because he is being honest, but at the same time what do i do? I know that i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and thats why i said i would marry him. So does this mean he doesn't feel the same? He says that this doesn't mean we are not getting married this just means he needs time to think.What does this all mean cause its simple for me to just ask myself do i love this person and do i want to spend the rest of my life with this person in order to know my answer. What could he have been thinking of when he asked that made him change his mind now? He says nothing in our relationship has changed but something had to.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
When a woman gets a husband , her worries ends because she can depend on her husband for her every needs or livelihood or if she is out of work or sick.( A traditional thinking)
When a man gets a wife, he has to worry about taking care of her and the responsibility of a family.When he was a single, he was a happy go lucky guy and not a worry in the world.
When a man marries, he becomes domesticated and not free like those wild horses.
Just like a man going to the gallows, when he sees the hangman's rope, he will shed tears.
Before that , he cannot imagine the situation .
So is the man who suddenly realized what a marriage entails and he may feel or have apprehensions of supporting and the responsibilities of maintaining a family or going through with the marriage itself. It might cost a bomb!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Well you got to think long and hard about what has changed. Is the dynamic between you two the same? Do you two laugh as much as before? Do you guys enjoy yourselves without the pressure of marriage talk or commitment, just plain enjoy yourselves like a carefree couple? If you answered yes to all the above questions, then you have nothing to worry about. Don't freak out. Remember he loves you. And just keep loving him without pressure. He'll come around.But if you answered no to any of these questions, then maybe the dynamics of this relationship have changed. In that case, I would talk to him and be realistic in assessing what is wrong. Sometimes people want to get married so bad that they overlook the whole relationship and how its evolved. Don't forget that he is your number one priority, not this marriage thing. Maybe he feels that you are so concerned with setting a date that you haven't even noticed that you two don't even get along anymore. I don't know. It could be something to that extent. So if I were you I would put this wedding plan aside for now, and really try to fix this relationship, for what it is and not for what it could be. Live in the present.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Hi,
just wondering how you guys got engaged. Did he ask you to marry him or did you bring it up and he agreed. If you asked him the difference being he wouldnt want to be seen as a guy who won't commit, but now the day is getting closer he is beginning to think of all the things that will change in his life.
You can reassure him that its not going to be a case of him having to take a second job to support you while you start popping out babies, its just you are cementing your relationship - there is plenty of time to think about having babies in the future.
He'll come around - don't worry.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Couldn't put it better myself. Basschick - your reply is legendary :)
Made me laugh a lot too!
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A
female
reader, Robin Goode +, writes (27 February 2008):
why are you writing to this column? What did you ask him? You decided to get married and set a date. You should be wild with "I can't wait!" both of you; instead you hear, "Wait a minute". His telling you this up-front is commendable, you are correct. His not telling you what has changed from setting the date isn't. Sit him down now. Married or not, you are a couple. You love him. Say, "I love you and want to spend my life with you. I was excited that you wanted the same. I understand that we're delaying that I want to understand. We are a couple. We set a date as a couple and I want to delay that date as a couple. Let's do this together." It may help you to see this time, this working things out as a couple time, as special and a part of nearly every serious relationship (including lasting friendships, by the way). As you begin your talk, he may feel that your real goal is to get him to change his mind-- reassure him that you are in this together. You want a man who just can't waith to marry you and you're more than willing to work with him so that he can be that man. If he is the man for you, he will tell you honestly what he is feeling and why the "space". If he just says, leave me alone! You don't have much choice. HOwever, ask yourself if you want to spend your life wondering "what changed"? You don't. Fix this now, or walk. And know that the classic "soft dump" is "I need space". he may be telling you goodbye right now. Make this one effort, as a couple, and know that may be your last. If it makes you feel better, it's better that you don't marry a man who won't confide in you. He may be doing you a favor. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, missy love +, writes (27 February 2008):
marrage is a big step in somones life there are going to be lots of mind changes and thinking it never goes smoothly its just one of those things the best thing to do is to just sit down and talk about it he's probable just a bit nervious rhats al it will pass in time i hope this helps you
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I think the idea of marriage is scary for lots of men, like Basschick said. It's the loss of freedom, the giving up of options, the accountability, the pressure of being responsible for someone else's happiness. It's a lot to ask of anyone!
If I were you, I would give him the freedom to come to his own decision, even if it means making yourself a bit uncomfortable. You will be uncomfortable because you will have to back off a bit and let yourself acknowledge that even though you're 100% committed to this relationship, he may only be 99%, and the 1% is what is giving him pause.
If you're telling him things like 'I can't live without you,' or 'you're the only thing that makes me happy.' then you're putting a huge burden on him. YOU are responsible for your life. It sounds like he loves you and since he asked you to marry him, he DOES love you. That being said, marriage is such a huge commitment, it's not unreasonable to have some doubts about taking the final steps.
If you're really worried about this, then I would advise that you decide how long you can wait before his final answer. Be very truthful with yourself, then you can tell him what you've decided.
'A Fine Romance' by Judith Sills--great help to me in a similar situation. I don't know the author, or in anyway have any financial interest in her, but the book clarified my thoughts and I've been married to my once-doubting man for nearly 14 years... Sorry for the commercial plug.
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A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (27 February 2008):
While i would be a little suspicious, it is still well within the realms of normal behaviour. One may have no hesitiation when proposing/accepting, but as the big day gets closer, the realisation of the enormity of the committment what you stand to lose slowly trickles onto your brain. The only thing to do is make sure hes at least 90% sure when the big day arrives and if he's not, be prepared to cancel the wedding. These are worst case scenarios, most get married without a problem. Good luck and congratulations.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (27 February 2008):
 For many men, saying "I do" is more than just a love committment. It's saying that you have the means and the capability to take care of a woman, should the need arise. It means paying mortgages and saving up for a family, rather than blowing off the rent money for a ski trip with your buddies. It means changing diapers, and picking out good schools, and being in bed by 10:00 PM most nights. It's saying good-bye to the days when you drank milk right out of the carton, wandered around the house in the nude because you were too lazy to put on pants. It's never having to say where you've been, or when you'll be home because you're a free-bird. I think your man is smart to step back and really think this thing through and not just get swept up in the romance of getting married - but seeing this as the reality of staying married. Is he really ready? More than likely he is, but give him the time and space he needs to figure that out on his own with you pressuring him or demanding to know what's up and he will surely get back on track very soon.
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