A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I seem to be having problems with my boyfriend and have no clue what to do. We have been dating for nearly a year now. Deep down, I know he's a good man, but for reasons I cannot understand, he prefers watching porn instead of doing anything sexual with me. I know nearly all men watch porn, and his watching it isn't the problem. It's the fact that he never seems interested in me ever! I always have to initiate anything sexual with him, and 99% of the time I do I am turned down. Any time we spend time together, he goes to get himself off while watching porn when I am RIGHT there willing to try ANYTHING with him. The only thing I won't do is a threesome, but that doesn't seem to be what he's interested in anyway. I don't understand. I've tried everything. I've tried talking to him about it and all he says is that 'all men do it.' If all men watch porn to this extent and completely ignore the girl they're with while they get off to someone else, then maybe I just never need to be in another relationship again.I'm seriously considering breaking up with him now. I love him so much and it hurts terribly to even think of it, but I honestly don't have a clue anymore. I hate feeling so rejected and unwanted. It has absolutely destroyed my self esteem. I've never felt so worthless in all my life.Does anyone have any idea what I should do? I don't know how to deal with this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Its not that your boyfriend is not interested in you. I been in a relation for a year now and I have the same problem as you do. He rather watch porn than be sexual attracted to me. I try everything. I gave up and said fuck it. when I first dated him I was mean our sex life was great, than when I dated him for a year now, he is never interested in sex with me anymore.The reason why is because I change my life style with him, I try to be nice, sweet because am always scared that I might lose him. But now, when I really relize he like me to take over on the bed and just be whom I'm. If your man doesn't appriciate that I would just go on honey. Don't let man take advantage of you, take advantage of him
A
male
reader, clutchcargo +, writes (2 July 2010):
 I must confess I have seen a porn clip or two. What surprises me is the "studs" seem to always have to finish themselves even though they have a real live woman picked for their looks and sexual compliancy right in front of them. Maybe your partner learned that behavior from them.
My thinking is in sync with most posters. He will not change until he feels a need to.
Do you want to wait for that possibility?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 it might hurt to think of breaking up but it may hurt worse if he trys out some of the things hes "learning on the net
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A
female
reader, maxxie +, writes (26 June 2010):
 ahhh another damaged relationship due to porn. leave the man to his hand and his computer... he has no interest in a real life vagina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): i haave the same problem with my man - exsept he often does want some from me but it feels like he just wants SUM and i just happen to be there - it wasnt always like this - and when i approch him i always get turned down, also, we watched porn together but i wont ever again with him, he made me feel like crap,he was so into the girls on the tv, didnt even pay me no mind, when he went down on me he got soft when b4 he would almost cum while going down on me, ive NEVER had anything like this happen ever, i dont know where 2 go or what to think -
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I'm glad you found a way to make yourself happy. Good luck, wishing you a more suitable partner in the future.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
"special relationship with porn?" ... First I ever heard of one... again, very strange..
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 June 2010):
mmmm... I think he has an addiction to pornography. He needs pornography every day, even when you are there. He avoids sex with you, but was sexually interested when his computer was broken.
He is in denial if he dosen't think he has a problem. He can get his dick hard and have an orgasm, but he can't relate to real people.
Speak to him, but if he can't see it's a problem to avoid his girlfriend and real life sex for a image of a woman on screen, then there is nothing you can do.
His behaviour is very abnormal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): Hi all OP again,
Me and my boyfriend have now gone our separate ways. He was unwilling to get help for it, so I did the only thing I could do. I broke up with him. I was so tired of feeling hurt and confused, and I couldn't take any more of it. It hurts now, but I believe I did the right thing.
Thank you for all your help and advice. Best wishes to you all.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (23 June 2010):
First, It isn't about you so know that right away. Second, men develop a "special" relationship with porn. Porn is not demanding(not that you are) it doesn't need love it just is there to get off on vicariously. There's no personal interaction to deal with. It's a funny thing but porn makes for a better O than the real thing sometimes simply because it's abstact and removed from reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): it doesnt sound like he's worth your pain... Alot of guys do watch porn and use it, but most dont pick it over their gf. My fiance and i have sex pretty much every day, along with alot of other stuff. He uses porn a few times a wk to get off also. But if im home he always picks me, and even if he does something himself before i get home he generally wants something from me. So if ur bf doesnt choose you, id say find another. But dont assume if they use porn that they'll choose it over you, chances are they might use it as well as you but so long as they still want you, it really doesnt matter. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Hi OP again,
You know, I've often wondered that because he's denied it without me ever having to ask him! He'll say stuff like 'I'm not gay or anything...' just completely out of the blue. And thinking back, there have been a lot of little things that just don't add up otherwise, so that would definitely make sense. Maybe he's just in denial about his sexuality?
I'm going to talk with him tomorrow and see if we can work something out, or at least get some answers!
Thanks for the reply!
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I'm normally not a porn-basher. But your case is really extreme. As a couple of people here have said, porn is sometimes used by men in addition to their normal sex life, usually simply becuase they have a higher sex drive.
In your case however the guy seems to be purposefully neglectful and mean. If you can, you should walk out on this one. I'm sure you deserve a lot better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Hello, Original poster again,
First off, thanks to all the replies! It's good to get other's opinion on this matter. And to answer the questions that have been asked...
In the beginning of our relationship, we always had sex about every other day. Back then, he could barely keep his hands to himself. I never refused him, because I have always had a high sex drive too and enjoyed it very much. At that time he didn't have a computer because his old one was broken. But then a few months into our relationship, he bought a new computer, and after that, our sex life quickly diminished. Now we never have sex at all.
He does use porn to masturbate. I don't know how often he does this in a day.(And quite frankly, I don't think I would want to know!)But most days I'm with him, he has to do it once while I'm there, so it's anyone's guess.
I think the best thing I can do now, is to give him the ultimatum. I really would like to help him through this, but if he doesn't want things to change then I have no choice but to leave. I just wish things could go back to the way they once were.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I agree with just about all of the answers... So far.
I'd just like to add... U back yet!!?
You should leave him. Hard to hear.. I know, bt sex is important. Too important to be having that many problems so eairly in the relationship.
Let's say you gave him a blow-job while he watches porn. Then he gets you off some how. Then what..! Are u going to settle for that every time! Soon enough you'll get over that. And you'll be right back where you started. When you hv a partner that is compatible with your sexual Styal/drive it makes all the difference.
I wish you the best in finding that person.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 June 2010):
Pornography is a problem when it intefers with social life to such a degree that the user is no longer able to have sexual intercourse in the normal way.
Your partner does seem to have a problem with excessive pornography and intimacy with a real woman.
The fact that he doesn't see this is even more worrying. How often do you and your partner have sex?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I have always said that I have no problem with either women or men watching porn, except in cases like you are in. He has a porn addiction. Porn is fine, but when it interferes with a relationship or general life then it is an addiction. He needs professional help with his problem. If he refuses to get it and work on his problem then I think you have to strongly consider leaving this relationship.
I have watched porn for over 40 years, but I have never used it when I have a willing partner. I have used it for entertainment and to supplement my higher than my wife sex drive. My wife has no problem with this and sometimes watches it with me. I think that most men act who have a willing partner, especially one who does not object to porn. To repeat, any man who uses porn when he can have sex with a real women has a porn addiction.
The only reasons that I can think of that would make a man do something like this are:
- He has trouble having an erection and masturbation is the only way that he can easily orgasm, therefore porn for excitement. Not likely if he is in your age range.
- He doesn't find you or perhaps any women sexually attractive or exciting.
- He is angry with you. That will do it, but not for as long as it has been going on. Both men and women might withhold sex for a couple of days if they are angry with their partner or hurt about something.
I have read some posts on a forum about one of the popular masturbation sleeves (artificial vagina). I remember a couple of guys saying that they would rather use one of the sleeves than have sex with a women because it feels better (tighter, better stimulation), so I guess there are men who would rather wank off than have sex.
By the way, does he masturbate to the porn or just watch it? And, NO, not all guys are like this. My wife has had a fair number of sexual partners years ago and never had one who would rather watch porn than have sex.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Porn can be very addicting, and it sounds like he has an addiction. You can't make him see that there's something wrong, he has to see it for himself. In this case you may have to give him an ultimatum, you or the porn. Then follow through on it if he won't stop with the porn. Let me say though this is NOT a reflection on you. Brain studies show that people addicted to porn have a similar response to porn that people addicted to cocaine show when given cocaine. This has nothing to do with you, you could be the most beautiful woman in the world who could bend herself into a pretzel and he would still look. It's that addictive. I think unless he realizes there is a problem and agrees to work on it, you need to leave and find someone who isn't so addicted. Don't worry, not all men look. Your boyfriend only thinks so because he's so engrossed in his cyber world that he can't imagine a man who doesn't enjoy porn. Around 25% don't watch at all though, and most who do watch aren't going to show this kind of addiction.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Since there seems to be no way to resolve this problem, I think you have to decide if its worth it to continue when this man's behavior causes you this kind of distress.......what other choice do you have?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): Hi, original poster here,
Thanks for the quick reply! We have talked about it again and again. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing. In fact, he bluntly tells me all about it when he's finished, even though I have asked him repeatedly not to. I wonder sometimes if he's just trying to make me miserable on purpose? I don't understand why. I've been nothing but kind to him, have never cheated or even flirted with anyone since we've been together.
I do agree with you, though. This has been going on for quite a while now and I don't see it changing either when he refuses to see it as a problem.
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