A
male
age
51-59,
*hingfish
writes:My girlfriend recently dumped me but I can't seem to understand why. Her reason was that when she was with me she was happy but when she was not she was really down. This seems really strange and sounds like she is not giving me an honest reason why she said she won't be dating anyone now for a good while because of how upset she is over the break up and misses me but won't get back together but will stay friends. Can anyone have any thoughts on this?
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female
reader, VictoriaAnnalise  +, writes (20 November 2010):
I do not agree that she was messing with your feelings or playing with you. I have been in that position and it is awful! I can only tell you from experience that she may not like being that dependent on another person for her happiness. It could also be that she feels as though she wants you to be there -for ALL time and was testing to see where you were in the relationship. I am divorced and I am still happy. A lot of women, especially younger women, are finding themselves and dont know how to react to feelings of despair when they miss you. Women are as prideful as men, just not as quiet about it!
V
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I am sorry but her reason makes perfect sense to me. I myself am in a relationship with a guy. When I am with him everything is perfect and beautiful, but when I am away, i feel so depressed and empty. It is like he is taking over my life and I am not sure that I can handle it. Maybe she has other things in her life that she feels are losing focus or she want to be with you but feels like she is going to get hurt if she stays in it too long. I don't know. I am a girl but even I think that girls are weird.
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A
male
reader, gregory6 +, writes (26 July 2010):
This girl is playing with your feelings. To say she loved your company and then say she was depressed when not seeing you as a reason for dumping you is a manipulative and self contradictory statement clearly designed to produce exactly what you are suffering - confusion.
I think your friend is being unkind and selfish. She sounds at best confused herself and at worst dishonest. Try to get rid of her from your thoughts. She will only damage you more if you let her.
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A
male
reader, Dear Kevin  +, writes (29 June 2010):
This is a tough one, because I don't know you guys, but if I was to guess, I would think she is over you and doesn't know how to tell you. Give her some time, see how it plays out, and once again if I were to guess she will be calling in a month trying to get back together, this would tell me her other plan did not work out. Girls sometimes meet guys at school work what ever, and think there may be something there. Let her go.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Really sorry to hear this, not all women are like her, she is obviously self centred, and really very nasty, to not have the decency to put your mind at rest.
Good riddance to her, Your seem a good man, who is obviously intelligent and sensitive to others, dont let her make you bitter. x
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A
male
reader, thingfish +, writes (24 June 2010):
thingfish is verified as being by the original poster of the question well she refuses to discuss and quite frankly the fact that she would not discuss it with me before doing the dumping makes me feel she is obviously too immature for me, thanks for all your input I will just carry on as I did before I met her
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Staying friends with an ex that you still hold feelings for can often make it far more difficult to move on in the short term. Simply having her continued presence in your life encourages you to continue to think about her and about the relations between you. It takes a great deal of strength to remain steadfast in your efforts to move on from someone whilst they remain a continuous influence in your everyday life.
This isn't to say that it isn't worth it though- especially in the long term. But be kind to yourself and make this as easy as possible -Break ups can really knock you for six! Perhaps you might at least considering taking the time and space away from her to build up your strength before you begin relations on a different basis.
You DO deserve to understand her reasons though, and if you think she'd be receptive to talking about this with you- stressing to her that this would be without any pressure to reverse her decision and without laying any guilt on her; then contact her and just explain that you’d like her help to understand.
I'd actually do this sooner rather than later. First get the closure to help you to accept and understand; and then take any time apart you need to give you the space and emotional strength to move on.
I've often found that being newly single can push you to question what you want in life and your new found freedom can spur you to go all out to achieve what you want.
However, provided that it doesn’t lead you to cling to false hopes, it might really be worth your while staying friends with her in the long term. If you both find new wings in your increased independence, maybe your ex will soon come to realise that it was not the relationship that was preventing her from being satisfied with any bigger life picture, but merely her own lack of impetus through being content to rest easy in a secure and settled relationship.
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male
reader, thingfish +, writes (23 June 2010):
thingfish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell share bear that makes sense, however I do believe I deserve to know the truth, If she still wants to be friends I think thats for the best otherwise I won't move on fully and it will cause problems in the future
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A
male
reader, thingfish +, writes (23 June 2010):
thingfish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell commitment was definately not a problem, we are still friends, however in the past her friends have tried to split us up and nearly succeded by blowing something on my facebook page way out of proportion, I can't help but they might have had something to do with it but unless I can prove it I'm not going to bring that up and risk making things worse lol. I just hope she comes to her senses or maybe just needs time to sort her head out
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (23 June 2010):
Could she mean that although when you were together she enjoyed the moment and had fun with you; but that when she stood back and looked at the bigger picture, it just wasn't what she wanted long term/ or that she wasn't fulfilling what she really wanted in life?
You'd really have to ask her to clarify to get the understanding that you deserve here though.
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I agree with *brea//babby...she wants to be able to spend more time with you and keep that happy feeling all the time, but for whatever reason she can't. Instead of battling the ups and downs and being unhappy that she's not with you more, she'd just rather get hit with the low of a break up all at once and be done with the pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): actually yeah, i can completely understand.
sometimes it's really hard, especially if we become too attatched.
i just think you should leave her to it, she's obviously not bothered about trying to overcome her sadness
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (22 June 2010):
She has issues by the sound of it, I think she has realised that she is not ready for a relationship, so has broken it off so she can work on herself and her self esteem.
But that doesn't mean she dint like you, it just means she dont like herself whilst in a relationship, i went thru this in the relationship i had after i was cheated on. The new guy I trusted, but when apart from him, I felt like i was a raving lunatic, he was constantly on my mind, i was searching his name on computer, and even stalked his facebook, looking for some proof that he too was a cheating toerag, he wasn't, but i couldn't cope with it, and I had to do alot of soul searching, and having a boyfriend dint fit around the soul searching.
Hope this helps.
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female
reader, Spades +, writes (22 June 2010):
 No one here knows what shes thinking. But to be honest, she isn't obligated to proved a reason for breaking up with you. There could be something going on in her life that she doesn't want to talk about but feels she cannot continue the relationship.
All I can say is try not to worry about it too much, move on wiht your life. Maybe she will talk to you about it in the future.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Let me get this straight.... she dumped you because when you two are not together she's sad? And she's said that she is so incredibly upset and misses you, but doesn't want to get back together? And she DUMPED you?
Something sounds weird there. Either you are not getting the full story from her or she's got some mental issues. Is she looking for a commitment that you have openly been unable to give her? (Marriage, etc)
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male
reader, Gothic landscaper +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Hey, im not much of an expert but maybe this will help you with your question. The only reason i say it is because i us this myself. She says be saying shes really happy with you but shes depressed when your not there. What she might be saying is she is afraid of how you make her feel. She could be a very independent person and she found that she was relying on you more then she was ready to admit and this could have scared her into thinking shes not stonge enough to accept that commentment. Or shes like me and hates to think she cant handle the world on her own. reelying on people for some is a rather large weakness, she could just be afraid to open her heart that way. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, savixx  +, writes (22 June 2010):
It may sound odd, but if I was her and I was saying that honestly, it would be quite a difficult situation.
It sounds as though she was only really ''living'' when she was with you, and when she wasn't, it was as though she wasn't properly all there. This is a completely unhealthy feeling, and for her to have recognized it as a problem shows that she has a high level of self-understanding and esteem (thats a good thing for a person to have!)
Although it sounds like a backwards problem to you, she is helping herself here in a way that one can only do for themselves.
Yes, she is upset over the break-up; she loves you still, but knows she cannot live her life the way she was.
With you, she was only happy when she was litterally with you, so without you she will have to get used to being happy all the time- not depressed half of the time.
I hope that explained a little, and didn't make you even more confused. Women are complicated. :)
Good Luck!
xx
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A
female
reader, *brea//babbby. +, writes (22 June 2010):
 She probably is ready to settle down and feels like she should be with you all the time in order for her to be happy. Spend more time together and maybe she will realize she wants to be with you.
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