A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello my bf and I have been together for two years. He's had a close relationship with his ex during this time. Texting, emailing, calling, and seeing her. He's also very close to her daughters. He attends their games, buys them gifts and keeps in contact. I have children and he doesn't buy them anything and contact them. I've told him that it does in fact bother me that he wants to maintain such a strong relationship with her and her children when he's with me and I have children. I just don't feel it's fair.Also he will buy me gifts and if I get him mad he will return my gifts. If he buys me a card he won't sign it, or he will buy a gift take a pic of it, send it to me but not give the gift to me. I don't uunderstand why he does this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2016): texting and seeing his ex are big red flags to me. Buying gifts but not giving them to you? It sounds like a high school romance. time to fund someone worthy of you
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 It is a very rare occurrence that we hear two sides to the story here on Dear Cupid. How you managed to figure out this post was about you is strange. However i will give my two cents, I don't think this relationship is going to work out, if it is true and you are her partner, well then waiting around while she is still living with her husband for two years seems crazy to me, it almost sounds like you are the bit on the side, i can see why you would get a bond with your step children, a bond does not need to be biological. Taking a picture yes was cruel, but in my eyes there is no way this relationship will work, she is still married and she is wanting you to spoil her and treat her well, but what do you get in return? You both really need to sit and talk. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): I am the guy in question. The whole story hasn't been told. I have never met her kids. She is still married and living with her "husband" She says she is getting a divorce but has to live there because her "husband" won't pay for the house. I have never been to her place. She says her "husband" won't allow it. If they are only living together to pay the bills and not still a couple, then it she can have me over anytime she wants. If I was to meet her kids I would gladly buy them gifts.
Yes, it was childish for me to take a picture of the gift I bought her. It was for Valentine's Day and she cancelled again and didn't show up. She cancels a lot. She has told me she's not the type of woman that buys gifts for guys but she expects them in return as a sign of love and affection. I feel in a relationship it should be 50/50. I buy gifts, she buys gifts. If she doesn't then why should I??
As for my ex and her kids, my ex and I hardly talk as our sons are 19 & 21 and if anything is wrong they can tell me themselves. As for her daughters I do have a bond with them and I don't think a birthday & Christmas gift is too much. The oldest daughter I lived with for her first 2 years of her life. I only see them a few times a year when I pick up my sons if we are going out and I'm driving.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Doesn't matter if his ex's kids are his or not, he obviously bonded with them and care for them even if he is no longer dating their mom. NOTHING wrong in that.
My husband raised his ex's 2 daughter because their father was not in contact other than to send child-support. When hubby and her broke up, he STILL had contact with the girls and guess what? 20+ years later... he STILL has contact with them. They may not be "his" by blood and genes, but he bonded with them and that bond will last a life-time.
He may not have bonded with your kids, maybe on purpose, maybe not. Maybe he doesn't want to bond with yours because he knows how hard it is to "lose" kids (even if he still has contact with the ex's kids it's not the same as when they were together, logically).
So I don't really see the problem there.
BUT it is a HUGE HUGE red flag with the gifting thing. Him taking pictures then never giving them to you. What is wrong with him? I'm not saying he should buy you gifts all the time or even ever.... but telling you "I got you this" *insert picture* and then never give it to you, pulling a "Psych!!" I was just kidding... or whatever that is... It's sick, manipulative and almost a little sadistic.
Why are you with this man? You don't like that he has this bond with HER kids and he plays mind-games with you.
I don't think he cares very deeply for you. He makes no effort to get to know your kids, and he treats you with a level of contempt that is beyond me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 I sort of understand the first part of the story, i.e. he being close to his ex's kids. I also understand very well how it can bother you, but , at the end of the day, as Eddie mentions, your sons and daughters are a different thing from your partner's sons and daughters. Yes, I got it, these girls aren't his biological kids either- but, if he had a long , close, affectionate relationship with them before, if he lived with them or saw them grow up, if he came to consider them AS IF they were his kids,... he will see them and treat them differently than the kids of someone who's been dating for 2 years .
You can't do " politically correct " with heart's bonds. Maybe he deeply cares about these girls, and not as much about your children. You can't mandate feelings by Court order- maybe for him those are sort of his kids too, the kids he did not get to have yet.
What amazes me, is the second part of the story . He BUYS things for you.... then he sends you just the pic and not the real gift ???... What is he, insane ?? You don't understand it, and I don't understand it either , because there's no possible rational explanation for that, other than sheer meanness and mental cruelty. As for taking back his gifts after an argument- oh gosh. This is so petty and so tacky. Defitely a dumping offence, and a sign of a cheap, vulgar mind.
I hope he has got many redeeming qualities to compnsate these bad flaws- otherwise you are with the wrong man. Wrong for you and also wrong for any woman in general.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 June 2016):
 If her kids aren't his kids as well then things aren't looking good. I'd be looking for a way out. There should be no ex'es or their kids in the picture unless its for legal reasons, like an ex wife or paying maintenance to any kids that he's fathered.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): Ok. He takes pictures of gifts and text the pic to you but not the gift? How old is he? He's being cruel to you! Don't let anyone treat you like you are stupid - and he does.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Her kids, Not their Kids? Im not sure why he would do such a thing. It just seems manipulative and mean. Serves no purpose than getting his kicks from getting under your skin. Hardly what I would call a nice bf. Dick with me, that's one thing but shit on my kids for any reason, "don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya" and out the door he would go.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Speaking as a stepparent myself -- the bond between your non-biological kids is definitely not as strong as your flesh and blood ones. I am sure he could potentially say the same things about you and your reactions to his children as well.
Blended families are certainly a challenge and the non-biological parent certainly has challenges. Also, keep in mind that your boyfriend is NOT your husband (yet). He may be a long-term boyfriend but in my opinion, until you formally join together in a more permanent bond (i.e. marriage) your boyfriend is more or less a "good friend" or at best, an uncle to your kids.
It may be that your boyfriend is unable to warm up to children. Knowing this is the best it's going to be may not be what you are looking for in a mate. If this is a deal breaker for you, it is better you know now.
Keep in mind that if you have certain expectations, you may have to reciprocate and recognize his children as "your own" as well.
Again, being a step parent is very challenging and relationships with blended families tend to have a higher risk of breaking up. The key is open communication and honesty. Unfortunately, he may not be able to be the father figure that you seek in regards to your children.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): The way I see it he treats his ex as his ex wife with whom he has kids. Th eonly problem is that he's excluding you and your kids from the equation.
Anyway, the thing with gifts bothers me a lot. It seems that he's making a distance between you to. Obviously gift giving is a way of showing affection and he's playing games with you.
I wouldn't be surprised if you told us that there are some more issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Are his ex's kids his? If no you have a huge problem here. Why is he buying things for his ex and her kids?!! Shes an ex for a reason.
There are so many redflags here. All I can say is...he has to end that relationship or...you should end things. Hes crossing boundaries. Giving to other women and their kids means he still has feelings for her and probably is around hoping she takes him back. It doesnt seem good for you at all. Get smart, get out. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 He's being manipulative - why are you with him? That's a genuine question just because he's toying with you and his relationship with his ex seems inappropriate unless he practically raised her kids.
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